do what makes you happy

[gnocchioli]

Imagine all the things I could do if I just did them.

[ohtalaga]

Kanta nalang nagpapakilig sakin

[ohtalaga]

February 14, 2026

As I am writing this, I am currently eating mani which I boiled for almost 30 mins. Facing my new laptop, that a new employer has provided for my new work. Iba din talaga mag-alaga ni Lord noh? He's always giving you the biggest challenges but at the same time at the end of the day, He is giving you enough time to breathe and recover. He's going to save you every time you decide to hold on and fight. It's like after a storm, he's giving you a reward for not giving up - but diba why give the storm in the first place? But however, I'm not here to question that cause I'm thankful.

My husband's currently sleeping. We went to bed at around 8pm - we look tired and exhausted that we fell asleep so fast. Past 1:30am, nagising ako, worried cause it's almost 6 hours that I didn't pee because of that deep sleep. So here I am, my brain decided to just do random stuffs instead of going back to bed.

I remember myself being a perfectionist. Whenever I do a task, it has to be perfect with minimal issues or errors. But today I realized, the more that I do that, the more I am holding out all the words that I could've said, all the things I could've did, all the moments I could've experienced - letting myself out. Let me tell you about this realization - It will burn the hell of you out if you live in closed doors.

Essentially, that's what explains why I am currently under the worst situations now - if I didn't do a thing properly, I immediately give up and accept defeat, never fight for it ever again. Meanwhile, I should not be thinking that way. Fear makes us lose.

But losing also means learning.

The cycle of life.

[ohtalaga]

[ohtalaga]

February 12, 2026

I feel like I want to start my daily blogs again for my sanity. So here I am, it's me again. I remember back around 2013-2015, relocated to study college at a university in Manila had greatly helped me process my emotions including homesickness. I realize na malaki pala yung natulong nito sakin sa pagtawid ko sa hirap ng kolehiyo noon. I eventually succeeded in life after that. So ngayon, I thought why not gawin ko ulit?

I'm currently sitting in a single couch in our little rented home here in Antipolo as I write this blog. I just finished sending my pre-employment requirements to the HR that arrange my contract with a US client. Those who didn't know, I am an accountant - and since 2024, I started working directly with companies in the US thus, working night shift. Things have become rocky ever since, and it's a long story. But it's fine. I'm going to be fine.

Did I mention as well that I am almost 29 weeks pregnant (7+ months)? I know few weeks left until my baby decides to come out, and guess.. I am not ready. Emotionally, I think I am. But financially not. I resigned from my most recent client when I was 4 months pregnant. My mind couldn't think straight during my first few months of pregnancy, and I needed the break. Didn't think of what's going to happen next, but I didn't care. If I didn't resign, it would have taken a toll on my physical and mental health, and who knows if my baby would survive the mental torture or stress that I was feeling? Everything's well.

I am not perfect. I know that I'm not. I struggled mentally and emotionally since I don't know when. Life's hard and I keep on thinking, why should it feel this hard? Why do we keep on failing, restarting, doing everything again like it's like a loop.. I remember they say, life is like a non-stop circle and remember to live it the first time. But what happens if you fail the first time that's making you afraid to move forward? What if I fail again? What if I couldn't make it this time?

With everything that happened to me at least within 10 years, was fun but chaotic - a girl who's been in a place first time so she decided to go in her freewill, not thinking about results, or consequences. She just went and never saw what's coming. Here's the truth, time may have passed - she may have failed, but today she's facing the day with courage and hope +1. Stronger because of the child who's inside me. Sorry if mommy is not the best, but I'm going to fight.

[ohtalaga]

Parang gusto ko na sumuko.

[ohtalaga]

sometimes you become used to feeling less, you forgot that you are MORE and capable than them. don't settle.

[ohtalaga]

girls, as soon as possible. ngayon na. stand firm at huwag magpapa-under sa kahit sinong lalaki. tangina nila

[ohtalaga]

mapapa fuck this shit ka nalang sa partner na di na naisip yung mga sakripisyo mo para sa kaniya. na para bang siya nalang lagi yung bida.

[ohtalaga]

Allergy or?

Already in my 3rd week dealing with a bad skin condition - that i don't know yet, but I suspect that this is an eczema. What's really making my feeling worse is that it's already spreading in my body. It started as red rashes in my face, which I thought was just a skin sensitivities to products, sweat, or the environment. I didn't think that it will continue 'flaring up' for days and even weeks, and I can't imagine to have to deal with this long-term. I have consulted with a doctor once, online, and said that this is an 'allergic contact dermatitis' and asked me a lot about the products that I was using, basically trying to find out which product contains chemicals that might triggered the allergy. We identified a cleaning spray that I was using on a daily basis, and from there, I stopped using the product. Even after few days and weeks of stopping the product, the rashes in my face grew up to my neck, arms and back.

Since it's all around my body now, I don't think it's even an allergy anymore. Rather than treating it with creams, I'm currently trying to treat it naturally - by cleansing and watching out the food that I eat. It's a work in progress, but hopefully helps me fight this battle.

[ohtalaga]

isang malaking teary eyes at buntong hininga

[ohtalaga]

I'm turning 28 soon. Sobrang dami kong kalokohan during my 20s, I don't even know if worthwhile yung mga nangyari. It was just like a wooosh hahaha like tangina ang bilis. Kakagraduate ko lang sa college nun, then I got my first job, then pandemic happened, then we had new normal, then now I'm married??? Parang I need a doctor to connect all the dots. :(

[ohtalaga]

need to clean my gut.

[ohtalaga]

Night shift pa more - magiging tubig ko na ang kape talaga.

[ohtalaga]

always.. consistently crashing out..

[ohtalaga]

RIP

Hindi mo talaga alam kung kelan ka mamamatay noh. So may kakilala akong ikakasal next week, her fiance got into an accident and died. I can't even imagine living through the pain of losing your partner, yung taong ready na humarap sa altar at pakasalan ka. Like God naman, why po?

[ohtalaga]

i read about a person post about if he ever made the right choices.

i remember watching random vlogs on YT, itong masasayang content creators na to, pare-pareho sila ng sinasabi. that if you only follow your heart, yung instinct mo, kung san ka masaya, for sure nasa tamang lugar ka. i felt it.