rip 02/18/15

sometimes to save your life, you have to kill your mind

[oknat]

these violent delights have violent ends

who? nat when? february 18th, 2015 where? nat’s bedroom what? nat reflects on the past few months and finally takes that final step notes: i need to stop using romeo and juliet quotes for things like this. check tags for tw’s. i also didn’t preread this bc i wanted to get it over with tbh

[oknat]

7:36

The letters were written and he was proud at himself for not blubbering all over them, as if a moment like this was anything to be proud of.

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[oknat]

im pretty sure that says tati lmao

[oknat]

CARLOS I FUCKING LOVE U /MY GOD

[laughing-trees]

Visit Original Link

[oknat]

guess i still have to explain this shit smh

what i did to nat was what i wanted to do for over a month and with me wanting to leave, now seemed like the perfect time.

when i asked to do this, i was originally given the go ahead so once i was, i wasn't going to not do it regardless of what i was going to be told after.

the next day i was told i couldn't go through with the suicide because of cassie and candice's death. yes, it was a shitty move to go ahead with my plan anyway, but i didn't feel it was fair to "wait another month or two" when i wanted to leave the rp in the first place. i wasn't going to wait around and have no muse when i could just leave now. and when i leave rp's, i do things with my characters to solidify my time in the rp, whether it be a death, they move away, etc. 

i considered other options, i really did, but the death seemed like the most realistic out of them all. i could've had him move away, but to me it didnt make sense. his families had solid jobs here and if he moved, he'd be in a shittier place than before. then there was rehab. yes, that could be possible, but again, he would've hated it and would've found a way to kill himself.

nat was in a place where no outcome seemed positive and all he believed was that death was the answer.

leaving was not an impulse decision. ask the people i've talked to, they know i've been wanting to do this for awhile. 

i'm not here to start drama, i'm here to defend myself and my decisions with my charries.

[oknat]

ooc

this will be posted on nat's blog and in the ooc

as you can see, nat is gone and with my lil bb's passing, i will also be leaving.

my time in this rp was enjoyable, at least it was when i started. and it was good, honestly it was, but up until january, i wasn't feeling it anymore. i lost muse for nat and i tried to find musings in new characters and we all saw how that went.

(not well)

i want to say that this was a hard decision, but i won't lie to you guys. i've wanted to leave for quite some time and with recent events IC, i felt like now was mine--and nat's--time. i have made great friendships here and i am lucky to have you people in my life as of late and for those i talked to, i am grateful to have your support on the decision i have made. love you all.

i will say that i am not only leaving because of my lack of muse, but because of some people in this rp. i won't list any names, i've never been good at calling people out. but i do want to bring up how obviously cliquey this rp is, ic and ooc, and i don't want to be apart of that. the same people have been replying to my starters for weeks and my threads with other people's charries drop within five replies. i don't know if it's because you guys don't like me or you don't like nat, but it's unfair to say the least. 

in no way shape or form am i trying to be selfish, that's the last thing i want. but mine and my charries disconnection with everyone in this group helped with my decision. nat feels like no one likes him, that no one cares and that he has no one, so he's gone. i'm quitting because 90% of the time i am ignored whether it be in the ooc or with nat's starters.

this is a side note because i found it absolutely ridiculous when it was brought up to my attention: i am NOT killing off nat because i don't know what to do with him. killing him off has been my intention for weeks, whether you agree with it or not. i know what i'm doing. nat is also NOT committing suicide because he wants attention, we all know that was the LAST thing he wanted. i would've explained it more in the self para, but it seemed unnecessary for having to bring up something completely irrelevant. 

i also find it incredibly rude to make group chats ooc and talk about drama within the rp (you know who you are) as well as posting ooc when it's clear who you are talking to. it's embarrassing and immature. if someone has a problem with something, talk to that person directly about it before posting shit about it.

and with that, i will be sending my unfollow request to the main, but i will keep nat's account up in case anyone wants to contact me or if anyone wants to send stuff to nat via submit, i will have it open and post whatever i receive.

i have kik (punkruckers), twitter (larrystagryles), tumblr ( punkruckers ), instagram (se.lennna) and snapchat (sellymissx)

but yeah, that's it. i'll check in periodically on nat to see how things are going response wise and if anyone wants to talk about anything, i'm here as well as on all social media listed above.

love you guys and good luck xx

[oknat]

these violent delights have violent ends

who? nat when? february 18th, 2015 where? nat’s bedroom what? nat reflects on the past few months and finally takes that final step notes: i need to stop using romeo and juliet quotes for things like this. check tags for tw's. i also didn't preread this bc i wanted to get it over with tbh

7:36

The letters were written and he was proud at himself for not blubbering all over them, as if a moment like this was anything to be proud of.

There were so many, surprisingly, but he had to let people know that none of this was their fault whether they were still with him or not. It was no one's fault but his own, is what he kept telling himself. There was one for Miles, one for Veronica and Andrew, for Indigo, Larissa and Chris and Benji. There was one for his mom and one for himself. There were letters he wrote prior to that night, ones he had written down whenever he got the chance to. He wrote one the day he got back from Miles' that one night, poured out his soul as to how confused he was and why wasn't he good enough to stick around in the morning. He had one from Chris after their kiss on New Year's, apologizing for everything that had happened that had led up to it, and he wrote another apologizing for everything that had led up to now.

The one for Benji was the hardest, he didn't know what was safe or not to put down on paper. The words were a jumbled mess as he spilled out his thoughts, trying to give reasons to the things that didn't need reasoning, and reasons for the reasons of things that needed them. He didn't know if anything made sense, none of it probably did. But he knew one thing, and that was that he needed Benji to know that none of this was his fault. It wasn't anyone's, but his own.

He left all the letters on his desk, knowing someone would find them sooner or later and hand them out to the people's whose names were scribbled on top. Hopefully.

7:44

Nat wiped at his cheeks out of habit as he pushed himself out of his desk chair and paced the room. He had to do it, had to do it soon before his mom came home. He still had time, plenty of time. Only a few more hours till he'd be found and it'll be over forever. Finally. He tugged his fingers through his hair, breathing hard before going into his mom's room.

"Where are they," he huffed, grumbling to himself as he dug through his mother's clothes, threw apart the dresser and screamed out in frustration when everything took too long. They had to be here somewhere, they just had to be. While searching in his mother's bathroom, his fingers curled around a small bottle and he breathed out in relief at the contents.

He was back in his room, clear orange bottle set on his desk next to the letters. Fuck it, he couldn't wait anymore. The teen took the bottle and twisted the cap open, fingers shaky as the pills poured out in the palm of his hand. They wouldn't kill him immediately, no. They'll give him a high for about an hour before slowing his system enough for him to flat line. And he made sure no one was going to save him this time.

As if anyone would. Miles was God knows where, Veronica left him to start a better life. Candice was dead, so was Cassie, he couldn't save them. Benji didn't want to talk to him, he fucked up their friendship too quick and too soon. Chris hadn't talked to him in weeks, so he doubted he even cared. Andrew was busy with his own life, with his own family and Indigo had disappeared. Louise didn't have a clue, neither did a bunch of other people. Larissa would probably take it the hardest considering their talk the other day.

The artwork sat in the corner of his room. He hadn't stopped crying since he got it.

All in all, a lot of people cared, but not enough.

7:51

Nat brought his hand up and took thirteen pills to start, reaching for his bottle of water to swallow down. Five more followed. Then six, seven more. Eventually the bottle was empty and all he had to do now was wait.

Things started to get blurry after a minute and Nat tore off the shirt he wore, replacing it with the one he stole from Miles the first night they spent together. It still smelled like him and Nat couldn't stop the tears from spilling down his cheeks. He laid down in bed, curled up on his side with his phone in his hands. He texted out a few things to some people, hoping to make it come across like it was any other day. He didn't want them to worry. One of them had the word 'goodbye'. If only they meant his goodbye's meant forever.

A giggle erupted from his lips at how pathetic he must seem, sending these useless texts that most were probably going to go unnoticed. 

8:12

Nat started to scratch at his arm, over his tattoo and scars till his skin was red and raw and his fingers weren't going to do the trick. The pressure was building, he could feel it, and he had to break free.

Frantically, he reached over the edge of his bed for his backpack and dug out the razor that was tucked inside one of the pockets. Sitting up, he brushed the tip of the razor against the skin, outlining his previous scars on his left wrist. He sucked in a breath and pressed harder, gasping softly when they metal broke skin and a dot of red rose to the surface.

Tears painted his cheeks, the room silent except for his labored breathing and the music playing from his laptop. Lines of deep red danced along his wrist, releasing the demons he had been holding inside. He felt good, it felt like relief.

He fell back on the bed once he lost feeling in his fingertips and he stared at the lights on the ceiling. The lights swirled in his vision, leaving him feeling fuzzy and free. Not long now, he told himself. Not long now.

8:37

Curled up under the covers, his breathing was shallow, slow, just like his heart. His eyelashes fluttered before closing, enveloping him in a darkness that he found comfort in. He welcomed it, if anything. It had been a long time coming, and his time was finally here.

But it couldn't come fast enough.

8:48

Final breath.

9:30

Doctor's wouldn't proclaim his time of death till they tried to revive him. Stupid doctors trying to save those who don't want to be saved. Wasting their time, they are, just like everyone does. Nat's mom is a blubbering mess, screaming that it was all her fault. It never was, selfish bitch.

People always say that nothing matters, or that certain actions aren't important. Or they tell you to forget something and they call you stupid for bringing it up the next day. But they don't realize that in the end, everything matters.

[oknat]

group text // candy cane & cassie the grouch

nat: see you angels soon xxx

[oknat]

text // miles

nat: im sorry i couldnt be strong enough for you

nat: goodbye, miles

[oknat]

text // veronica x

nat: i gave everything you gave me for christmas to chris

nat: im not going to need them anymore

[oknat]

text // larry

nat: my present is so beautiful thank you so much

nat: love you, larry

[oknat]

text // chris

nat: im sorry we havent talked in awhile

nat: youll be getting something soon to make up for it

[oknat]

text // andy

nat: i need to visit your family soon, i miss those little buggers

[oknat]

text // ethan

nat: thank you for making me feel special for a day, i hope you and thayer stay strong. you're both lucky x

[raymondmichaels]

Cool then. I know guess who’ll win the award for the worst boyfriend ever? This guy.

[oknat]

Oh, yeah. Definitely.

[louise-ray-deactivated20150219]

Well fine its not my fault but im sorry for trying to make you talk about something that you’re obviously not comfortable with.

[oknat]

It's okay.

[ernestonlyhaslovelythingstosay]