The new year arrived with a gust of wind and clear brisk day. The wind is relentless and has not ceased for almost 24 hrs. Random trees are down ,the ones that could no longer sustain themselves, dry rotted from the inside and thus their tragic demise after 50 to 80 years of life. I am afraid that with this global warming so many of my beloved apple trees at the park will soon die as well.And to think that they are not replaced by apple trees is tragic. The park people don't want to maintain them but Lord they haven't for the last twenty years. But those apples are so good for the eco system ,so many animals are fed ,so many dogs like mine love to chase them as they fall from the trees and simply looking at them is a gift from nature.
Why am I rambling? Could it be that I am trying to find some connection between this insane weather and the perpetual storms in our life? Probably. This cancer does not leave. In fact my husband is the only one I ever met who has a second cancer-not a metastases secondary cancer but an entirely self proclaimed cancer -colon cancer -size of an orange in the sigmoid colon. Could this have been prevented ? Sure ,if only he had a colonoscopy when first ordered years ago.
Am I past the anger ? I don't know because I am actually a little numb. What right do we have to ask for a cure when we were too arrogant to think that we may be impacted ? Isn't the test less intrusive then the treatment?
Am I dreading his surgery ? Yes,and yes and yes again. 15 months already getting him through bladder cancer and now this? But he wants the surgery regardless of how difficult it is .And he gives me mixed messages because I don't think that he is clear of what he wants. On one hand surgery is recommended because the tumor is potentially obstructive but it's not imminent -actually there is no time frame -it could potentially happen in months-tomorrow or longer. So if it provides Vince with more comfort-good-but I don't think so ,I don't think so.
And what if there are additional lymph nodes that the surgeon can't remove? I asked that question to Vincent and he clearly said that he would refuse further treatment ,ie,chemo.Do I believe him? No I don't .
I don't want him to die but mostly I don't want him to die from treatments that just rob him from living. I watched my father and Vincent 's mom die refusing treatment ,I guess because they were ready to go and felt that whatever time they had left was worth while living outside of a cancer clinic.
What I learned so far from these past 15 months is that treatment or no treatment is a prerogative that could only be truthfully dealt with not when cancer is at your doorstep but when it resides within your domain. The freedom to change the mind is an individual right as long as there is breath.
Dying is scary-the unknown.
romaincrisis