My liege, if you recall, the prophecy stated that you would fall by the hands of your first born son. Yes, I understand that twelve daughters is a very impressive feat, but mayhaps you should consider quitting while you’re ahead?
My liege, you mustn’t be so reckless. If you recall, your prophecy stated “you shall not die by any efforts of man or woman, nor of any material from this land”, and it feels rather pertinent to your most recent decision. Please consider the situation with your father and your brother, and to a lesser extent your 32 younger sisters, and know your prophecy is not one to be neglected. Your father tempted fate and look where that got him. Yes my liege, I do know it was a heart attack that he passed from, but the royal guard directly saw your baby brother reach out towards your father with his hands as he passed. Yes, I know the prophecy would be better stated to say “beside the hand” rather than “by the hand”, I didn’t write the prophecy. No my liege, I mean no disrespect. Yes, I agree, this was a very inappropriate time to discuss your father, and we should go back to the issue at hand. Yes, I do recall that no man or woman may slay you, however, if you think about the prophecy with the context of your newly imported elephant,
My liege, this is hardly the appropriate attire for a hunting trip, especially one to the woods you were forbade from entering. Yes your majesty, I know you are ruler of this kingdom, but if you recall your prophecy- you mock me. I take your safety and fate with the upmost sincerity, and you respond with “mi mi mi mimi”? Please recall your- yes I know what your prophecy states, “your reign shall last until nature itself regains your throne and crown”, I was about to recount it for you. Look my liege, I think this hunting trip is a terrible idea. You are far too clumsy and the forest floor is uneven with roots! If the stairs of the palace or your own feet are enough to cause you to trip, remaining upright may be difficult, and, to put it frankly, falling hitting your head on a rock would hardly a glorious engraving on your tombstone. Please don’t wear the crown on this hunting trip, they’ll know you’re the new queen because of how similar you look to your sister. It’s a prideful act that will only- oh the royal messenger is here. What news do you have? Oh this requires my immediate attention. I will return, my liege. Do not attend that hunting trip in your current attire, though you should consider not going at all.
Royal To-Do List
Schedule date of coronation
Organise a trip to the Royal Soothsayer with the new Queen
Search forest for the crown
Purchase a new throne, or locate the stolen one
Fix elephant-shaped hole in the throne room
Now, as a part of the induction protocols, all new employees are to be informed of a long-held family tradition. When each new ruler comes to power, they receive a letter a few days later from the old soothsayer. Yes, the one who lives in the woods, we paid for them to live there. Thought it would be a good way to avoid receiving more prophecies, as she wouldn’t receive notice of the coronation until afterwards, but now they just get sent in the mail. We used to add in 15 minutes leeway to the schedule for when the soothsayer interrupted the event, it was a nightmare to try and predict when they’d show up. If it were up to me, we’d stop the postal service going that far, but only the Queen can make that ruling. I’m getting sidetracked. As I recall, the Queen’s prophecy states “your heart will bleed when the man who could never love you distances himself, his aim not one intending to hurt you, yet he will be your demise”. In order to circumvent this, she is not allowed to take a hand in marriage, and any casual romances are monitored to ensure attraction is present from both parties. Furthermore, suitors are not informed of the Queen’s status as royalty, further preventing anyone attempting to woo her for wealth or political status. She’s also elected to take on many hobbies to fill her time, to focus less on any romantic endeavours. It’s a good system, if a little difficult to source new hobbies on short notice. Oh, yes, please voice your concerns. It’s always a good sign when new employees take the Queen’s prophecy seriously.
Well yes, this is why we hired you. She’s been interested in archery as a hobby recently, and we can’t exactly send somewhere accessible to the general public. What if she falls for someone outside of our control? No, it’s much safer to hire you as her private archery instructor. And I presume she’ll learn quickly, not every archery instructor considers himself an “arrow ace”.
My liege, I’ve been reviewing some of the royal funding and budgetary records, and a few things have come to my attention. Now, I understand that we have surplus funding in the royal vault as a result of your prophecy, which, if you recall, states that “you will die by a blade not intended for battle, but one that will find it’s way to you in a moment of joy”. I stand by it being a wise decision to keep you away from any activities such as woodworking or cooking, and that the money that would have gone into funding those activities was yours to allocate as you wished, but I suspect I’ve found some errors on the records. Firstly, we have two categories of payments going to the soothsayer; one for living expenses, and one, as I have just discovered, labeled “prophecies”. I suspect that- I beg your pardon my liege? We pay for the prophecies? Why on earth- We’re paying them to not deliver us prophecies, that’s why they live out on the far end of the woods. This doesn’t- Tradition? I understand it’s a tradition my liege, but if we are paying for it to be inconvenient to deliver prophecies, and then paying for the prophecies themselves- Is that why your sister wished to go to the soothsayer in person rather than wait for a letter? She was aware of this? And the rest of your sisters too? My liege, surely you see that it undermines our efforts in preventing prophecies to pay for them. At the very least, one of the payments should be discontinued to improve our financial status. You’re right my liege, this is a very complex discussion that requires more time to process, and I shall “shut up about the soothsayer” as you so eloquently put it. We will be discussing this later. The other issue I came to inquire about was that within the records for the entertainment budget, each performance is listed by name. I once again would like to reiterate that the extra funding for entertainment, while not aligning with my recommendations, is reasonable given the circumstances of your prophecy. However, once again with considerations to your prophecy, “Pablo the Knife-Juggler”,
My liege, I’m beginning to understand why you have called me to the castle rooftop. As your most trusted advisor, overseeing your actions and assisting with difficult choices is why I have been employed under your family for so long. However, one key aspect of my services that has remained fairly neglected by your sisters, and your father, is that of your prophecy. Often advice regarding your prophecies leads directly to the passing of the crown, and I believe this to be a critical moment in your rule. You had a much simpler prophecy than most of your sisters, but the vagueness that comes with that should really indicate where to place your trust in me, and the rooftop seems to be that very place. If you recall, your prophecy stated that “Pride shall be your downfall”, which- No my liege, I believe that you can do a kick-flip,
My liege, I am incredibly concerned about the prophecy you have received. Usually it takes a week or two to come in the mail, but not a day had passed since your coronation before the wax seal of the soothsayer arrived at the palace doors. I have spent the past few hours contemplating what should be implemented considering its slightly paradoxical nature. As you recall, your prophecy states that “in a time of unmatched uncertainty, the one you entrust the most shall betray you”. I have been the royal advisor for your family since your father’s rule, a well trusted and respected figure by many who came before you, and I shall do everything within my power to prevent a potential betrayal, regardless of how the prophecy speaks of me. As such, having worked for your father and under all of your sisters that ruled before you, I feel I have accumulated enough sick leave,
Thank you all for attending the all-staff meeting. We have several topics to discuss today, so we’ll begin post-haste. Firstly, I’d like to address the royal elephant in the room. We still have no idea where the royal elephant is, and may have to cut back on searching due to budget cuts, which leads us to our next point, the metaphorical elephant in the room. With our last Queen’s untimely death we’ve made significant progress on finding what was the cause of her death. Based on the fact she died at her one-year ruling anniversary banquet, and her prophecy, which if you all recall stated that “rended flesh for naught but greed shall end in rended flesh”, we believed that it likely something about the food killed her. We had checked for choking hazards and tested others for poison and had found no clues, so our thought process was that her body was unable to tolerate something resulting in her demise. This is where the budget cuts come into place.
We hired a mage.
Settle down. I understand this is a controversial decision, but the benefits have already begun to reveal themselves. While the mage is unable to detect ailments on a corpse, several of the princesses have all shared an ailment referred to as a “shellfish allergy”. While it is unclear what allergy means, it sounds detrimental, and the mage clarified that it is deadly if not handled. As lobster was served at that banquet, that is likely the culprit, and as such shall be removed from the palace’s future supply orders, preventing future queens from following her path. Staff members will be allowed access to the current stock until we run out, so I hope a nice lobster dinner will quell your fears.
Now, some of you have likely been worried about this decision in relation to the current Queen’s prophecy. We have made sure to screen this mage as thoroughly as possible, and have concluded that he is, in fact, a mage. Not a swindler nor soothsayer, not a wizard nor fae. We have determined his status as a mage. This is of great importance to us, as I would not like to be responsible for the passings of any more rulers. I will admit that taking a month off right at the start of a new reign was not my finest decision, but that’s not relevant at the moment. What is relevant is the new queen’s prophecy, which should be easy to recall given how short the letter was. As you should recall, the prophecy stated “Wizard’s curse”, but as this is not a Wizard, we have no cause for concern. Now, as a mage is very costly, the budgetary restrictions over the next month will be implemented across the following areas…
He lied on his resume
My liege, a letter has just arrived from the royal soothsayer. It is likely regarding your prophecy. I shall read it verbatim for you. *Ahem*. “You shall die underfoot of an animal trained for war.” Ah. It appears this letter was intended for your dearly departed sister. Had this letter arrived three days earlier, her rule may have lasted more than a week. It would have been very helpful in preventing her horse-riding accident. My apologies my liege, I know you were looking forward to hearing your prophecy, and I am truely sorry to disappoint. I shall alert you when it arrives. Thank you for your attention, you may return to caring for the royal hounds.
I would like to thank you all for attending this all staff meeting on such short notice. We are here to discuss the events regarding the passing of the most recent Queen. It appears I have neglected that horses are not the only animal trained for war, that animal related incidents may occur to more than one queen, and that the soothsayer is, in fact, a soothsayer. In related news, we have located the royal elephant.
My liege, please reconsider your stance on the soothsayer’s employment. They cannot be trusted and- my liege, I’m on your side. It’s been made very clear in the decade I’ve been working for your family that you find receiving accurate prophecies to be of the upmost importance. Even if none of you listen to me when- No my liege I didn’t mumble anything. The point is, if your family finds it important to reticence prophecies, it is my duty to ensure they are of the upmost accuracy. My liege, don’t you find it strange that the most recent prophecy was inaccurate? I ask that you recall your late sister’s prophecy. Yes the most recent one. It stated “you shall live far longer than the others in your family, only passing from a poison one cannot ingested. This poison will only affect you far into the future, once the sun itself is outshined”. As we know, she did not in fact live “far longer than the rest of her family”. In fact several of her sisters were older when they passed. And what if the poison? She was last spotted falling into a frozen river, from which she did not resurface. Despite us being yet to locate her body, it is unlikely that has been in hiding for the last month. To me, this suggests the soothsayer was… wrong. They are getting rather old, is it possible that the soothsayer is losing her skills? If she’s inconsistent, is it worth receiving her prophecies? Say, do you think she no longer offers a service we require? I knew that you would agree that something was amiss, you are far more reasonable than- a royal investigation? My liege, you cannot be serious. It is obvious what the correct course of action is here. I do not think this warrants a royal investigation, it would be a massive waste of- you know what, sure. We can have a royal investigation. Your prophecy said something about dying on the first full moon of your reign, you may as well get a royal investigation. You’ve only got a few days left if the prophecy’s correct, let’s get you that paperwork
My liege, I ask you to please recall your prophecy. Your death has been foretold, and I fear this is the moment it occurs. Your prophecy stated that “your rule will end in obvious mistake after obvious mistake”. I know what your heart is telling you, but please listen to my advice. This is life or death. I beg of you, you are so alike your father, as all your sisters are, but please be the one to heed my warning. I have advised all twelve sisters that have ruled before you, and- no I am certain it is twelve. Twelve queens, you being the thirteenth. Yes I know you were the fourteenth born, but not all of your sisters became queens, my liege. I have advised since your father’s rule, I would know if- my vacation? What of it? I was away for two weeks, and did not realise taking my holiday leave would be considered the betrayal foretold to her. When I returned, the kingdom was under the rule of Queen Acrea, who would later pass from a shellfish allergy. There’s no point where- A CORONATION WAS HELD WITHOUT ME? I was informed that Morgana deserted after the late Queen Rosalinde’s death and that no coronation was held. I thought she ran away to avoid the- SHE WAS LOST IN THE DESERT? I- I believe I have misunderstood, I don’t. I never checked the archive because I didn’t believe something so major would happen within two weeks, and if it had then someone would tell me, did they- I don’t- My apologies my liege this is a lot to take in. I have failed as a royal advisor. I have failed your father, I have failed, by my count, four of your sisters, I have failed the whole kingdom. This is most distressing. I’ll need to have a think about this after- YOUR PROPHECY. I’m sorry my liege, I had gotten sidetracked from the more pressing matter at hand. No, you may not “go and pet it”, it’s not a “cute fluffy puppy”. That is a bear.
My liege, I have good news and bad news. On one hand, we received a letter from the soothsayer, and as your coronation was two days ago, we believed it to be your prophecy. On the other hand, there was a lot of rain as the letter arrived, and there were a lot of puddles, and a couple of drops of water got on the letter, and some of the windows were open letting in strong wind, but to cut a long story short, I may have accidentally thrown your prophecy letter into a fireplace. I would like to apologise deeply for accidentally burning your letter, but at the very least- Oh someone’s knocking, I shall get that for you, my liege.
Another letter? The mailman missed one? Well it’s a good thing he came back, thank you for passing it on. Who is it from? The soothsayer? Did we just receive a letter from them? This is of great concern. What could the soothsayer be so desperate to inform the Queen of. I’ll read it now and dispose of it in a moment. We shouldn’t let the Queen see any of her prophecies. Yes, I’m opening it, don’t rush me, I know you want to know what it says just as much as the Queen. Fine, I’ll read it aloud to you. It says “You left the Queen’s fireplace lit” oh no
It’s not often we let members of the general public seek an audience with the royal family, however, you have made a mockery of yourself and of this entire meeting. You have wasted your only opportunity to speak within the palace walls, and I will ensure you are never allowed within the castle walls again. Consider yourself lucky that there is no queen to order your execution. This is absurd. Considering the late king’s… choices regarding child rearing, it may appear your claim to the throne is feasible from an outsiders perspective, but anyone well read on his history would know your claim is absurd and frankly a slight against his name. You claim he conceived you with one of his many lovers, and you were left to be raised alone by said lover? Ridiculous. The late king was a loyal man, and only had one lover. His wife. He did not engage in any affairs, and furthermore, had he engaged in one, he would have treated the child born out of wedlock like the rest of them. Two of his children were adopted, after all, and they have right to the throne when their times come. You, however, do not. The king made time for all his children, and while he did not make the best decisions regarding their conception, he treated each of them with the upmost care. He loved his children more than I’ve seen any other love their own. Every part of your story is inconsistent, and you have no claim to the throne. You have wasted your time, you have wasted my time, and you have- I’ll get back to you in a second, Miss. What’s happening, this is too important to be- a letter from the soothsayer? My my, Miss, it appears you may have some credibility. We have only ever received letters from the soothsayer regarding the deaths of queens. If one has arrived now, while there is no queen ruling, it may indicate the throne is your next. Let’s have a look, hmm? “The faker” hmm “shall receive a death met only by queens.” Well this is certainly interesting. It appears the soothsayer has foretold your arrival, and confirmed your status as a liar, though that was obvious, hmm? Begone. Leave the palace and never return.
Actually Miss, before you leave, I have some advice. Given you are not related to the ruling family, there’s a chance you may listen to it. Not that I really care, I feel I’ve made it abundantly clear my opinion of you. Either way, this information may be beneficial to your survival. Or maybe it won’t. Only one prophecy has been wrong so far, I’d say you don’t have luck on your side. But, you might be able to make that two incorrect prophecies. Given your prophecy, it is abundantly clear to me how you will die. If I were you, I’d keep an eye out for the royal elephant. Now leave.
My liege, your prophecy has arrived. I have grown accustom to warning your family of the dangers opening this letter may lead to, and- patience my liege, this is hardly a time for haste. Receiving the prophecy has been a defining moment in many of your sister's rules, but comes with a terrible responsibility. The burden of knowledge over your own death has on numerous occasion- your highness, you are the ruler of our kingdom, and it is not sightly to snatch. I'll read you your letter in a moment, my queen, I only request a moment of your time to ensure you are informed on what may occur upon the opening of the letter. Do not stamp your foot at me, it is unladylike. Where was I? Yes, the burden of knowledge. For many of your sisters, the perceived safety of knowing how you will die has resulted in an oversight resulting in their deaths. The became complacent, and STOP JUMPING FOR YOUR LETTER. My liege! You are acting! Like a… like a teenager. My apologies my liege, a raised voice is unprofessional of me. You are barely seventeen, much younger than any before you. I would much rather the heavy decisions be left to others until you are of age, however, the royal proceedings are clear. "The eldest living child of the previous ruler, regardless of age, shall bear the title of current monarch." My liege. I am worried for your safety. I do not wish to insult you, or imply you are not fit to rule. You are young. You have better things to do than be saddled with the responsibility of running a kingdom. You don't deserve to have such a heavy burden placed on you while you are still ill-equipped to handle such tasked. You've been forced to grow up too quickly, and it's not fair on- do not attempt to snatch the letter from me as I am monologuing! That's it. I'm confiscating your prophecy until you can learn to behave yourself appropriately
Good morning, princess. I hope to see you are well? That's good to hear. I know I have just arrived, but would you mind taking a seat? I have important news, and as it's a heavy topic, I- Um. Y-yes, you are correct. She's dead. At some point during the night, she made the decision to sneak out of her room through the window, re-enter through the window one floor below, and enter my office. She proceeded to search my office for a letter we had received a week ago, and upon finding it, attempted to re-enter her room through said window. This morning we found her laying outside, having fallen three stories onto her head. The coroner says that she passed quickly.
I know this is a sombre occasion, but there is some good news for you. You've expressed excitement over becoming queen, and while the circumstances that have brought about your rule are tragic, I feel you are adequately prepared for the horro- I mean the wonders of what lies beyond your coronation. Still, I would like to apologise. Had we known how her prophecy would have occurred, we would have taken the precautionary steps to avoid it. We should have done so. I feel directly responsible for this, and am working hard to ensure what happened does not occur again. Please, take your time with grieving. I ask that you recall the fond memories you had with her above all else. I'll handle organising everything until you're ready. A smooth transition into the life of a ruler is desired beyond all else.
Oh, what was in the letter? I feel now is not a good time to answer that question. You will… you'll be told when you're ready. If you have any more requests, I'm happy to take them now, but if not I'll leave. I'll be back to discuss details about your coronation, my liege.
My liege, what are you doing here? The coronation is currently occurring, you're needed on stage in less than a few minutes, hurry up and- wait, my apologies, princess. I did not immediately realise who you were. Have you seen your twin anywhere? She's supposed to make a public appearance, but I cannot find her. Yes princess, I do recall how she is often late to events, but that is not how you should talk about your twin. I know that she is currently the centre of attention, but that doesn't mean you'll be forgotten about. It's been several months since the previous coronation, and unfortunately it's been rare for a ruler to last such a proportionately long span of time. Look, I understand being a part of such a large family is difficult. It constantly feels like you're fighting for attention, constantly overshadowed by your sisters, or your brother, and I'm sure having a slightly older twin just exacerbates the issue. It's not fair. Your father was a lovely man and a great ruler, but his decision to have 34 kids is one that continued to baffle me. But I get it. Being ignored is hard. It makes you feel like you're unwanted, or that every scrap of attention you fight for is disproportionate to the effort you put in. It's not fun, it's unfulfilling, and you feel out of control. Am I right? I thought you would agree. It's hard, but you just have to keep going forward. You'll meet people who know you better than any other, make friends who'll see you as you, and not as your title or your number. You'll feel listened to, you just need to find the right people. There she is. Cutting it fine as always, but she made it to the stage before she needed to. That's good. You know, I'm not actually required to be on stage for this part of the coronation. I've got about 10 minutes before I'm needed again. Would you like to keep talking until- a letter? Oh, it's addressed to your sister. Well we can hand it to her when she's- that's the soothsayer's handwriting. Why are we- the letters always come after the coronation, not during, why has she- well that's mildly concerning. How about we open it together? Find out what it says before she does? Yeah I thought you'd like the sound of that. Let's see. "A three minute gap has defined another's life. Those three minutes shall define your death." That's ominous. I'm surprised the soothsayer- oh we missed her being crowned. That's a shame. She really getting into the role of being the queen. I know you're all trained from birth, but she'd doing a good job. You'd think she would have ruled for a long period of time, the way she's addressing the crowd. You'd hardly guess she was only crowed two minutes ago. Wait. One two three four five six seven… there's too many people on the stage.
Thank you for attending this all staff meeting. For those who do not know, it has been discovered that one of the princesses, the current next-in-line to become queen, has orchestrated the assassination of her twin sister during her coronation. This will be a long meeting as we have much to discuss, mostly regarding how our people view the royal family, and what we can do to improve our reputation among other nations. Having a queen be assassinated by our people is already an embarrassment on our flag, it coming from within the royal family is another, but from her own twin sister will be a significant smudge in the history books.
First we need to discuss the princesses' punishment. If you recall our kingdom's history, this is an unprecedented occurrence, and it is unclear what the punishment should be. A royals punishments are usually less severe than if others committed the crime, usually resulting in what is essentially glorified house arrest and occasionally community service. However, the punishment for treason is life in prison at best, or death. There is a significant amount of nuance, and a lengthy discussion should occur to ensure we make the correct decision.
One moment everyone, I am being given a message. A letter? I hardly think this is the correct time to- from the soothsayer? Well I'm not letting myself make that mistake again, pass it here and I'll read it aloud. "Public execution." Well that saves us a bit of time. Moving on,
My liege, I ask that you recall your eldest sister's prophecy, of how she was unable to die "by any effort of man or woman". I also ask you recall how, after hearing such, she made the decision to outlaw "being non-binary". It was a rather dramatic measure, and one we were completely unable to enforce. In fact, it made no significant change to the lives of anyone, so much so that we forgot it was an enforceable offence for the rule of several queens, in which time it was not actually used to penalise someone a single time. Probably for the best, but I digress. It was a rather drastic measure, yes, however, this seems significantly more drastic. Banning shoes? This is ineffective in addressing your concerns. Yes my liege, I do recall your prophecy. It stated that "following an unpopular decision, you shall be trampled underfoot by that which you command". This seems like said unpopular decision, and it is important to note that you can still be trampled by barefoot people. This is the stupide- I mean this is the most controversial decision I have heard since your father's rule. Like your eldest sister, this will likely not address your prophecy as you expect it to. Additionally, like your eldest sister, please consider THE ROYAL ELEPHANT!
Well, princess, your big day's coming up. We've been thinking of having your coronation occur the day after your 18th birthday, and would like to hear what you think? Scary? I haven't heard any of your sisters describe it as such, but I suppose that's fair. You're stepping up in the world. You're having several of your major milestones within a small span of time, and it can be intimidating. Oh it's just the coronation that's scaring you? Can you talk me through it? You haven't had issues with crowds or making public appearances in the past, what's got you troubled? Now that you mention it, I agree. It is kind of weird that none of the princesses have died before their coronation. You think the prophecy only targets the queens? I can see how you would come to that conclusion and honestly I'm inclined to agree. Well, you rather good at the sciences right? Perhaps we should conduct a bit of an experiment? What do you think will happen if we… continuously delay the coronation? I agree, I'm also inclined to believe we will not receive a prophecy. Let's go have a discussion with the other staff members.
Thank you for attending this all staff meeting, it'll be a quick one, I promise. As you're all aware, we recently tested to see if the late queen would receive her prophecy if we continued to delay her coronation. As it turns out, she did in fact receive a prophecy despite not having been coronated. The letter containing her death also had a section written to me, which read "And to the royal advisor. Delaying the coronation of any queen will hasten their deaths. The choice is yours." As such, we will ensure all coronations occur at the earliest possible convenience.
Furthermore, all experimentation regarding receiving the prophecies is to be ceased immediately. We're running out of princesses.
