please dont reblog @olilemon - Tumblr Blog

I hate being poor so much I just want to be able to afford the things I need like new clothes and chiropractor appointments and taking time off work more often I hate this and I hate myself for not just getting a second job in Seattle even though I've known I needed one for months and I'm rambling but fuck! I am doing so bad

#today was payday and I didn't make enough to cover my rent and next paycheck is gonna be even smaller because I'm taking so much time off #for camp #I can't afford to live on this #and somehow even with all my mom has stolen from my bank account I still owe her money

Sometimes I forget that I deserve to be making more? Like above a living wage enough to not have to check my bank account before buying ice cream

#I hate myself

I am So Queer for so many of my coworkers but also as far as I know I am the only one who is trans here so that's not ideal

#they're all so beautiful #okay like probably a quarter of them but there's like 100 employees and I'm SO GAY #wannafuck my coworkers Actual Captain America and Nacho #for context my manager is named Steven Rodgers and another coworker of mine is named ignacio and goes by Nacho as a nickname #I'm not just spouting shit #also like partially just wanna fuck an mostly just wanna have a polyamorous relationship with like 15 of my coworkers #that's probably definitely not gonna happen but like #this bit h queer

Lmao and here I was thinking I would never get over you but I only think of you anymore when I see your name

I know it was my fault I know it was my fault I know it was my fault I know it is my fault it's all my fault

I don't remember the feeling of being held by another person

If I am gone by the end of the month I promise you it is not your fault

#I'm not okay

I know I'm not enough stop reminding me I know I'm never going to be enough

No offense but why does my brain insist on having my trauma on repeat all day every day Like it's not even necessarily triggering anymore since it's been a constant for so many years but I'd like to change the channel please

#like if you read

my mom threatening me with impending homelessness is a recurring theme in my life and I wish I was dead :)

I feel so invalid doing self diagnosis even though I'm never going to tell a doctor the extent of all my problems I feel like I'm taking up space in a marginalized community of people who have it worse than me and faking my illnesses

#it doesn't matter if I fit the diagnosis perfectly

Every time I see someone I love being mistreated I can't help but wonder if I ever hurt them like that

It hurts so much that you always saw me as temporary but I'm healing now I'll be okay and I'm ready to find someone who won't see me as a stressor in their life

#passive aggressive much Jesus Christ self

I’m trying to keep my mind off the election but I’m so scared im scared for my life and in scared for the lives of my friends and I know suicide rates are going to spike if he wins fuck I hope it doesn’t include the ones I love

#like if you read pls

It's that time of night again gonna fill my bod with poison until I pass out

#guess who's probably gonna have a relapse on their drinking problem it's me

I wish I wasn't too scared of what comes after

#this is about suicide

I feel so unattractive and unwanted and I have nobody to blame but myself

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