there it is again , that red tint splaying on his cheeks , a betrayal to his self made cold bearings . all he could think about now was breaking his oath , facing the eternal consequences of this transgression against divine law . she would be worth it —— that he believed to be true . especially now , his mind jumping over each and every circumstance that this even ground restricted them from . to avoid punishment so soon , he chooses a silent response instead , in the form of a smile —— one that is hidden from her the second she retreats back into her room , welcoming him inside despite never deserving the acceptance . he follows almost immediately though , not wasting a second with her now that he had his chance . as she clumsily scrambles to tidy her bed and then herself , he pauses in his path , his first genuine smile since that night to her painting his lips . “ smooth , ” his comment is breathy , just above a whisper , it announces the doting part of him that exists for her eyes only .
he takes in the set up of her bedroom , not crossing the line to really grasp the details of it but gathering what he could between his journey between the door and her bed . this was his first time inside , despite how much he had frequented the home as a boy . it felt safe , like a place of solace for him , every piece of it a reminder of her —— it clogged his senses , grappled the beating organ in his chest , and it mindlessly guided him to sit beside her , his two feet oath completely abandoned with how their arms brushed together . “ my first time in your room and you didn’t even have the decency to make your bed beforehand , ” his head slowly follows a path along her wall , trying to keep the air around them simple , in light of their quarrels . “ i’ll remember that , ” he adds a moment later , taking his time in reaching her face close to his side .
then he was reminded that it was just the two of them , tucked away and safe within her four walls . nobody could get them there —— nobody could see the way he looked at her … like she was the one that held up the sky . “ should we talk about it ? ” he asks after some time , fingers finding themselves lifting from the fabric of his joggers and into the space between them , gentle as they rest on the blanket they were perched atop , hopeful in that tiny space , that a hand might find his too . “ for … real this time . i’m —— ” a pause , eyes dropping to his lap briefly and then back to the contents of her room , “ —— i heard you the last time we spoke . and truthfully , ” he pauses once more to breathe , eyes closing and counting up to three in his head , refusing to cower in front of her another time . blame it on her close proximity and his mind’s inability to stop playing the olive black feature on repeat in his already sensitive mind . “ there was a time when i could pretend i hated you , but i can’t do it anymore . not after —— ”
𝐣𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐩𝐫𝐞𝐬𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐡𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐛𝐞𝐝𝐫𝐨𝐨𝐦 𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐧𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐭𝐨 𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐩𝐚𝐜𝐞. what had one been big is now small, the vastness of her room suddenly an expanse fabricated solely for them, shifting & mending with their every move toward or away from each other. even as he’s yet to meet her in the middle, she can feel him beside her anyway, a shadow attached to her soul that mocks any escape attempt. they had once been two people who stood solidly on either side of a yawning canyon, squinting at the distance, taunting it. but she’s gone & jumped into the fracture mirrored on her heart, free falling into sure death. she still hasn’t found him in the dark of the crack, but with the obstinacy of an eternal wanderer searching for long lost treasure, she hasn’t stopped looking.
her tone mimics his, forged lightness clearing the airway of her throat. ❝ your first time in my room & you didn’t have the decency to tell me beforehand – to think, i could have gotten a red carpet out & everything. ❞ in the horrible, naked truth of it all, she doesn’t know what she’d do if this had been something they’d planned in advance. how would they have gone about it, if she would have been shy or if he would have assumed the same manner she’d seen so many times as an outsider, the ghost of lothario puppeteering his actions. would it have been a scene straight out of romeo & juliet, her fantastical imagination suggests. a slideshow of alternate realities click through her mind. but all that lies in wait for her is two people trying to shed scarred skin.
the weight of him beside her is a welcomed one, even as her chest beats with the tenacity of a battering hammer. there’s a contortion of mass in her ribcage, but that too is welcomed, not in disguised masochism but because of the way it dominates the emptiness of before, what was an empty ache masking as a heart. now, she can feel the wrench of her twisting insides, a sliver of hope blotting out the pain. this time, every word he says is another blow she can physically feel, his meaning – true meaning – anchoring her search. & as his voice stops itself, her hand connects with his, a magnet she was weak to resist, a confession of her own in the simple action. even simpler was to bare herself for him, thank him for his bravery by following suit, even as she wanted to whisper the profession into the safety of his neck, just as she did so little nights go. but she doesn’t. the tip of her finger finds his chin & maneuvers his face to line up with her own turned head, seeking out his eyes with a soft desperation. the warmth of him is tangible, soothing the rasp in her throat.
❝ then don’t – please. i can’t pretend to see you as anything but – but who i – ❞ she lets slip a frustrated huff of laugh, puffing from downturned lips. she dares to lean in close enough for their foreheads to touch, taking strength from the contact, eyes closed as she seeks the truth from herself. ❝ who i want to be with. ❞
jbbartram-illu
origamiaround
