You Hella Won't

Olivia Rogers. I work at the Apple Store, and I go to school at Stanford, but I live in San Fran.

[hardforandy-blog]

But we’re supposed to be buddies, pals.

[oliviahella]

Fine, fine. I'm sorry. Forgive me please.

[hardforandy-blog]

Olivia, that really hurts, why are you trying to hurt me.

[oliviahella]

I try and hurt everyone, it's my niche. 

[hardforandy-blog]

Not if you’re gonna pull that on me. I can tell the difference between vodka and water. I’m not that big of dumbass.

[oliviahella]

You are when you're inebriated. Doubt you could tell soda from Jack.

[hardforandy-blog]

Have you forgotten who you’re talking to? You know I never remember that bullshit.

[oliviahella]

You just need to go drinking with me. I'll give it to you pretending like it's vodka. 

[hardforandy-blog]

Don’t be like that, I can’t help the amount of alcohol I drink.

[oliviahella]

You could've prevented the hangover. Drink a hella ton of water while you drink. Minimal to no hangover. 

[hardforandy-blog]

Hey, I’m feeling very attacked right now.

[oliviahella]

Good, because that was about you, you dick. 

[oliviahella]

Hangovers are great. Not mine, but other people's. It's fucking fantastic to watch everyone come out with giant fucking sunglasses on and flinching every time they hear a loud noise. God, I love Halloween!

[hardforandy-blog]

I get fucking hammered often, this is just another day man.

[oliviahella]

Yes, we all do. But this is where like, everyone gets hella smashed. It's a party day. Enjoy it while you can. 

[hardforandy-blog]

I don’t mind paying, really. 

[oliviahella]

I was trying to show you the spirt of America through free booze, but oh well. Either way, we're going to get fucking hammered tonight.

[hardforandy-blog]

I have money, I can pay for myself.

[oliviahella]

Yeah, but I'm being nice. Besides, you probably payed for my liquor last time. 

[hardforandy-blog]

Well then why don’t we just go together? You get what you need I get what I need.

[oliviahella]

Okay, we go together, but I'm gonna pay for your stuff. 

[hardforandy-blog]

I just remembered neither of us can buy alcohol, what the hell’s with the drinking laws? You don’t have as much freedom as you thought here.

[oliviahella]

Andy, babe. It's cute how you think that my age matters. All I need to do is put on a skimpy as fuck bikini top and prance in there. Maybe take a strapping young gentlemen in with me, just incase the cashier's gay or a straight chick. America is hella easy to be illegal in. 

[hardforandy-blog]

Well yeah, that’s pretty good. But most of the shit is just gross. I’m planning on buying my own alcohol tonight.

[oliviahella]

I got you covered, babe. You just tell me what to get. Show you how real Americans act on the fourth.

[hardforandy-blog]

It doesn’t matter how long I’ve been here, I’m still gonna love my home country better. It might have macaroni but it also has weak ass beer that people actually get drunk off of.

[oliviahella]

Excuse, we have Tennessee Whiskey. That shit's strong. And fucking good. It's what I'll be drinking tonight when we go to that party Kennedy's boy toy is throwing. 

[hardforandy-blog]

I say Fuck off America. I’m always gonna like Ireland better.

[oliviahella]

Dude, how long have you been here? You should know by now that America's better. We have Mac n' Cheese here.

[leo-nerdo]

Fuck yeah, they do. I have nightmares about Mantis Shrimp, on occasion.

[oliviahella]

Mantis Shrimp are so fucking pretty! Did you know, they have a shit ton of rods in their eyes, and they can see like, a fuck ton more colors than us! Have you heard of the bioluminescent Vampyroteuthis Infernalis?

[leo-nerdo]

Yes, we can also thank Ireland for that. We can also thank Ireland for Titanic, may it rest in peace at the bottom of the ocean.

[oliviahella]

Yeah, that Niall's a cutie. I mean, the bottom of the ocean is pretty cool. Lots of rad creatures live there.