I'm going to write a yandere x oc fanfic. So it's a bit of a slowburn where they start off as friends. What i'm focusing on rn is the fact that while they're friends, my oc never 'felt' like she cared for him, or at least formed an emotional connection. She lacks empathy and feels guilty for it, but she does her best to fulfill her role as a proper friend out of obligation. She only starts truly caring for him 2 years into the relationship after he communicated that he did care for her.
Sooo I think that she has an avoidant attachment style? So that's basically what I'm asking about, please. Or any idea what other labels you think might apply to her? (They're gonna be co-defendant asf)
Writing Notes: Avoidant Attachment Style
Some signs of an avoidant attachment style can include:
Avoidance of emotional/physical intimacy
Strong sense of independence
Uncomfortable when expressing feelings
Often spends more time alone than with others
An unrealistically positive picture of their attachment figures
A failure to build long-term relationships due to the inability to engage physically and emotionally on a deeper level
In a romantic relationship, avoidant individuals may:
Appear distant or emotionally detached
Often avoid deep emotional connections and intimacy
Use distancing strategies (emotional or physical)
Prioritize independence and self-reliance above emotional intimacy
Need to get away or "explodes" during a disagreement
Not make his/her intentions clear
Struggle to express their feelings or offer support to their significant other during times of distress
Suppress emotions and maintain distance in their relationship to avoid vulnerability and potential harm
This can lead to feelings of neglect or emotional abandonment on either side of the relationship.
While they might do well in maintaining boundaries and independence, their hesitance to engage emotionally can undermine the development of deeper relationships.
If your character finds themselves struggling to express their feelings or show physical affection, they may identify with an avoidant attachment style.
On Deciphering Attachment Style:
Determine whether s/he seeks intimacy and closeness.
Assess how preoccupied s/he is with the relationship and how sensitive s/he is to rejection.
Don’t rely on one “symptom,” look for various signs.
Assess his/her reaction to effective communication.
Listen and look for what he or she is not saying or doing.
Common Avoidant Thoughts, Emotions, and Reactions
All-or-nothing thinking: I knew s/he wasn’t right for me, this proves it!
Overgeneralizing: I knew I wasn’t made to be in a close relationship.
Malicious intent: S/he’s really out to annoy me, it’s so obvious…
Fantasizing about having sex with other people.
"S/he’s taking over my life, I can’t take it!"
"Now I have to do everything his/her way; the price is too high."
"I need to get out of here, I feel suffocated."
"If s/he was “the one” this kind of thing wouldn’t happen."
"When I was with (phantom X) this wouldn’t have happened."
"S/he just wants to tie me down, this isn’t true love."
"I’ll be better off on my own."
"Ugh, s/he’s so needy! It’s pathetic."
Withdrawn ⚜ Frustrated ⚜ Angry ⚜ Pressured ⚜ Distrustful
Unappreciated ⚜ Misunderstood ⚜ Resentful ⚜ Hostile
Aloof ⚜ Empty ⚜ Deceived ⚜ Tense ⚜ Hate-filled ⚜ Restless
Self-righteous ⚜ Contemptuous ⚜ Despairing ⚜ Scornful
Act out ⚜ Get up and leave ⚜ Belittle their partner
Act hostile, look disdainful ⚜ Make critical remarks
Withdraw mentally or physically ⚜ Minimize physical contact
Keep emotional sharing to a minimum
Stop listening to partner. Ignoring him/her.
Primary caregivers were emotionally distant or dismissive of the person's needs in childhood. An avoidant individual often then learns to cope by suppressing their emotions and developing self-sufficiency.
Initially it was assumed that adult attachment styles were primarily a product of our upbringing. Thus, it was hypothesized that our current attachment style is determined by the way in which we were cared for as a baby (e.g., if parents/caregivers were distant, rigid, and unresponsive, the child should develop an avoidant attachment style).
Today, however, we know that attachment styles in adulthood are influenced by a variety of factors, one of which is the way our parents cared for us, but other factors also come into play, including our genes and life experiences.
Here are a few tips you can incorporate in your character's storyline to potentially change this style of attachment:
They start with communication (open communication is the foundation of a strong relationship)
Establish boundaries with their partner
Write down their own emotions and feelings throughout the day
Approach their relationship as a team and work together
Sources: 1 2 3 4 ⚜ More: On Attachment ⚜ Writing References
From what you described, avoidant attachment sounds about right. But as the writer, you know more about the character, like their backstory. Do you think they fit this attachment style? A good reminder when we use these psychological models: Attachment theorists assume that the relationship between early experiences and subsequent outcomes is probabilistic, NOT deterministic. Use these notes as one reference/guide as you develop your characters. Hope this helps with your writing!
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