8 year old me as an immigrant in a small town in a country that did not like anyone who looked or sounded different did not like when my parents spoke my native language aloud in public, i was ashamed.
16 year old me as an immigrant being one of 14 poc/immigrants out of 1,400 people in a school full of english white girls found it annoying when my mother asked for help with texts for work, never wanted my parents home when friends were over and let people joke and mock where i was from.
24 year old me as an immigrant now sobs in bed at 5 am because her mother broke down in front of her recently saying she felt worthless, useless and annoying for always relying on me or my brother for help with english. She no longer has the confidence to try even when she is so capable and good at it.
24 year old me as an immigrant now feels my chest tighten with pain every time my mother apologises for asking for help with a text. 24 year old me as an immigrant feels so much guilt just because a younger me tried to survive in a place that did not and still does not like her, does not welcome her, where she will never really belong but along the way this me was also a part of the reason my mother sobbed in my arms in shame for having an accent or occasionally mispronouncing a word.
