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Word Vomit Wednesday - Romanticizing Rejection

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts where I attempt to process thoughts and feelings around a specific topic or current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Recently, I’ve made some more deliberate efforts to create community and meet people now that I’m more settled and steady in Tucson. This need to venture out and start testing the waters led me to sign up for a three-month virtual community that was being beta-tested by my life-coach. The calls were scheduled to happen once a month for two hours with a max of up to 30 people. They began with an exercise to ground us and any anxieties we might be bringing into the call, a brief ice-breaker to get acquainted with one another, then a specific topic that the majority voted for would be presented, either by my life coach or a volunteer from the group that we would build a conversation around. On the last call that we had in November, the topic was about rejection. Mostly around intimate or romantic relationships, although we also got into the ways we’ve felt rejected by others in often small, subtle ways that resulted in big impacts on our lives. Other than discussing those smaller moments I admit, I was not interested in the topic. I couldn’t quite figure out what was so compelling about rejection.

Then, as I do, I started thinking about it. I read a Refinery29 article that talked about the man who invented “Rejection Therapy,” a game where the aim is to get rejected by others to build resilience to the fear of rejection, and watched a TedTalk where another man who took the game and challenged himself to vlog getting rejected for 100 days and how it changed his life for the better. As I thought, and read, and watched I came to an understanding that underneath the blanket of “rejection” seems to be where the issues actually lie. Fear of putting yourself out there. Not wanting to open yourself up to potentially painful situations. Anxious/avoidant/dysfunctional attachment issues. Asking for help or for something that you want or need. Tapping into your own creativity. Setting a boundary. The rejection itself doesn’t seem to be the actual issue. The underlying issue is showing up in the world fully as yourself and the reality that you may have to make some tough decisions regarding your relationships when certain people are not so accepting. Sometimes the fear of rejection is also about how a rejection is relayed. Humans are notorious for responding to others in a multitude of fucked up ways. Ghosting, public humiliation, abuse, torture, condescension/belittling/minimizing, interrupting, ignoring, attacking, defending, stonewalling, projecting/deflecting, lying… the list goes on and on. Given all of this, I feel like rejection and the ways it can be demonstrated is more telling of the source and is imperative information to have for our own health and well-being.

Pain, in and of itself, is important. Not in the bullshit “no pain no gain” way, but in that it is a part of the human condition in the same way that joy, sadness, excitement and other emotions and sensations are a part of the human condition. When feelings come up for us, they present us with data based on internal and external stimuli and it is our job to interpret that data as accurately as possible to then take any action that may be required of us. We can have a tendency to have difficulty when thinking about our feelings this way because in this society we are essentially conditioned to cut off communication between ourselves and our emotions and other physiological sensations our bodies use to relay important messages to us. It can make it very hard, scary even, to retrain ourselves to listen to ourselves. Instead we choose to ignore feelings when they come up, maybe become annoyed with ourselves when uncomfortable feelings arise, binge eat to try to physically shove discomfort down, shop compulsively because we think something external will quiet or “fix” the internal, and develop a variety of other coping mechanisms because we don’t know what to do with them and probably had never been given the space to safely explore what they could be trying to tell us. When pain gets activated either physically or emotionally, it usually means a major boundary has been crossed, or something is wrong and needs to be checked out right away. When we stub our toe walking into the couch going from one room to the next in our house, we learn to pay more attention to our surroundings and adapt. When we’ve been running around from errand to errand all day and our body begins to ache, we know we’ve reached our limit and need to take a break. And when we come down with some illness and are coughing so hard that it hurts to even breathe, we go to the doctor. Because we feel pain, we are able to take charge and make any number of possible necessary changes to our lives. It can become trickier to know what action to take when our feelings get hurt (because it’s both a physical and largely internal response), but really the same principles apply. When someone says or does something that hurts your feelings you figure out what nerve that hit and determine if this is a person you keep in your life and to what extent based on your particular boundaries and needs. Easier said than done, I know.

On the flip side of this, and as the title of this essay indicates, we are not only a society that teaches us to fear pain and any “negative” feelings but we are also one that is OBSESSED with suffering. Everything from our narratives about tragic “starving artists,” the 24-hour news cycle, the internet, the romanticization of drama in our relationships, violence permeates almost every aspect of our culture. There is a huge difference between pain and suffering though. Pain, like I said before, is there to relay a message to us that we then interpret, take action on, and release. Suffering, on the other hand, is something we do to ourselves. We replay old narratives on loops that keep us trapped in emotional purgatory and we take our issues out on others instead of tackling them head on and making difficult but necessary changes in our lives. And sometimes we even allow and cause the suffering of others because we benefit from the exploitation of others. So, it’s entirely possible that it may not even be pain from rejection we’re all trying to avoid, but all pain because we’re already so overloaded with so much pain AND suffering. We are so desensitized to pain in a variety of forms, no wonder our relationship with it is dysfunctional. We may honestly, be too tired to even think about engaging with it. Unfortunately, when we ignore it we allow injustice to flourish and we lose out on so much. Not only do we not see all the choices and opportunities laid out before us, or take risks in relationships, we are so used to fear that we end up rejecting ourselves. Our worlds become so small and we do this to ourselves. And this is the main difference between pain and suffering. Pain releases when we recognize it and take action, suffering is what we do to ourselves by choice even when there are so many other options available to us.

We will often choose to reject and betray ourselves before stepping into the unknown. I am no stranger to this myself. There have been so many times that I had an inkling to do that thing or talk to that person or allow myself to want something and I never would. I would make up some excuse or other and not give myself a chance. “Well, if they’re interested they’ll say something. I don’t want to bother them.” “That sounds like a really cool job, but I don’t think I’m qualified.” “I’m not going to submit this project for the competition, I probably don’t have a shot at winning.” This year I’ve been recognizing many of the ways in which I reject myself, often so subtly, that I barely even know I’m doing it. Because it’s typically modeled and learned behavior and unless we start doing healing work, rejecting ourselves just seems normal. It takes a lot of work just to hear the whispers: “Don’t go out tonight, everybody sucks so it’s not like you’d meet anyone decent anyway,” “Don’t speak your truth because everyone you care about will abandon you,” “You have to hustle or you’ll never be worthy of success or love.” There are probably millions of examples and they’ll show up differently for different people. Not only do we adopt these behaviors and narratives, we let them drive everything we do because we believe they are part of our identities. It’s a lie. The fact is, you get to decide who you want to be and how you want to show up in the world. It takes practice, work, and a lot of self-discovery. We also face many obstacles and various forms of systemic oppression that are so much larger than any one individual, which can also be another reason why showing up as yourself can feel dangerous. As difficult and scary as it may be, it’s also worth it even if you don’t initially know how you’re going to do it or where it’s going to take you.

There’s this game I really like to play on my phone called Flow. It’s kind of like a connect-the-dots puzzle. You have a shape with multiple pairs of dots inside that you have to connect without impeding the other paths of the other connecting dots. What I like most about this game is that once you get one path, the other ones start to become more clear. Flow is all about taking that first step on one path and connecting the dots as you go. The paths are not always linear and straightforward. Sometimes there are twists, sharp-corners and backtracking. But once you start toward something; an idea, goal, etc., worlds you never knew existed start to open up. Toward the end of my studies to get my certificate in audio engineering and production the faculty held a competition for the post-production projects we’d been working on. I hadn’t planned on submitting mine even though I loved it and was really proud of the work I did and how it turned out. The moment I was aware of the competition I heard a whisper that said, “It’s probably not as good as other people’s.” Flash forward: I won first place. After seeing my project, a friend in my class said I should submit it. For whatever reason, I decided to internalize his belief in me and my talent and I went for it. Had I not done that I would have missed out, not only on winning the top prize, but on being asked about my process and being celebrated for something really cool that I did and integrating more self-confidence and the message that I deserve to be in the running for the things I want into my psyche. What I learned from that and other experiences since, is that on the flip side of rejection is courage.

Katie Louchheim would like to wish everyone a very Merry Impeachmas!

Word Vomit Wednesday - I AM AN AMERICAN

Donald Trump is an Antisemite and has put all American Jews in danger. Today 45 signed an executive order that declares Jew as a nationality. He did this under the guise of curbing antisemitism on college campuses. Don’t be fooled. What he means by “antisemitism” is actually, critique of the Israeli government (represented by his dictator-wannabe buddy PM Netanyahu) and their continued human rights violations. Not only does this order not have anything to do with combating actual antisemitism, it is itself deeply and horrifyingly antisemitic. It perpetuates the idea that Jews have dual loyalty. It further feeds conspiracies that we are not trustworthy. It co-opts the language of social justice and uses “Jews” and “antisemitism” as pawns by making it look like we are behind these orders and reinforces the stereotype that Jews control everything. It lays the groundwork to change what it means to be a citizen of the United States of America, just as Hitler changed what it meant to be a German citizen in order to commit the atrocities that he did. 45 has a history of this, with his Muslim Ban and chants of “build the wall,” so this is another step in the direction that this country has taken to autocracy. I will do a much longer post on what antisemitism is and what it isn’t, and how it has been weaponized historically and these past few years (I’ve been keeping track of all of 45’s, his administration’s and his follower’s bullshit), as well as what it means to be a Jew, a member of an ethno-religious group of people (and I guess the difference between ethnicity and nationality because apparently people are so blinded by white supremacy they can’t tell which is which) in the near future. Because I don’t have the emotional capacity for that right now, below is a copy of the letter I wrote to all the electors in the Electoral College after the election in 2016. I felt it was my duty to not stay silent. The only responses I got were two or three automated messages, one with something along the lines of “Trump is making America great” and another that was practically a novel that condescendingly explained how everyone writing to him was an idiot. I am terrified and heartbroken. I am terrified for the future, for mine, my friend’s and my family’s future, and whether there is actually a future for any of us here in America anymore.

Dear Elector,

I am writing to you and to all of the other electors who are publicly listed in an effort to just be heard and considered. I’m not writing to you because I’m disappointed that I didn’t get my way. Even in the short eleven years I have been an eligible voter I have been disappointed my fair share of times. However, this election has not been like elections past. The current President-Elect has made no indication that he is interested in being a president for the people and, in fact, has been openly abusive and encouraging of abuses toward a majority of the inhabitants of this country. He has refused to discourage any of the hate crimes toward Muslims, Jews, women, people of color, the LGBTQ+ community, and children that have been so much more prevalent in the little over a week since the election.

I’m not saying that you changing your vote to be in alignment with the popular vote will fix all of these things and I’m certainly not trying to make you responsible for those who have been emboldened to be hateful. These issues were here before the election and it is the job of every single American to be responsible for healing the incredibly deep wounds of this country. On that same note, many of us feel powerless right now and are afraid in a very real way for our safety and in fear of our families being torn apart. With your vote on December 19th, you have the opportunity to not repeat history. It’s difficult for me and would be irresponsible of me, as a Jew, to ignore the blatant echoes of 1930s Germany that this election has brought up. Much of my family has been here for a very long time (7 generations since the 1800s), but there are specific family lineages that stop because they weren’t able to make it out before the Nazi’s got to them. I’ve known many survivors of the camps and their stories live inside me as a reminder to never allow what happened to them happen to anyone. To speak up to injustice and hate.

Our Founding Fathers wanted to set up a system that could help us achieve a more perfect union. Our union is still far from perfect and I am afraid that the President-Elect could care less of the state of it and I’m worried for what he will do with it when officially in his hands. My hope is that you read this and the many other letters and calls I’m sure you’ve been receiving and are able to sit with them. I am deeply appreciative of the role you serve in our electoral process. I’m not going to plead for you to change your vote, but in lieu of some very dark days ahead for many, I hope you will consider it.

Sincerely,

Katie J. Louchheim

Brooklyn, New York

Word Vomit Wednesday - Bitch

Bitch

Being a woman can feel like being a caged animal

You are muzzled for who you are, your natural needs and desires

Even if you become docile and more responsive to other’s needs, even if you forget your own, you still don’t get to leave the cage.

Sometimes you are allowed out for a bit because “equality.” You can get an education and you’ll probably have a few jobs. But in both of those places they still put restraints on you. You could be the top of your class and have amazing knowledge and insight to share, but being a know-it-all will get you punished. You’ll be expected to exceed expectations at work, but you’re not allowed to get paid more than Joe who doesn’t even pay attention, but if you bring that up they’ll, at worst, kennel you, at best, just tighten your leash. The latter hurts but at least you can still move around with some sense of freedom.

Even just walking down the street you’re shackled when there are so many men out there with no restraint, who really should have restraints, come barking at you and there’s not much you can do because of the restraints on you. It doesn’t seem fair. But you lick your wounds and move on because you’ve seen what happens when you don’t. Sometimes it’s better not to say anything, because often what happens is they’ll see you’ve been damaged and will just shoot you because it’s the easiest choice, and you probably did something to deserve it, and it’s “for your own good” to put you down.

You may meet some people in your life. You might think they love you. They let you out of the cage and off the leash and let you think you’re safe with them. But then you get too comfortable and let your true nature out. This is a mistake.

You know this because the person you thought you were safe with is now yelling at you and calling you names. You are so bad, in fact, that they have to lock you back in your cage and then they leave you.

This happens a few more times with other people. Sometimes lessons take a while to learn.

Maybe you finally meet someone who actually seems nicer because, instead of keeping you in the cage and on the leash you’re used to, he just moves you into a bigger one, possibly more luxurious and perhaps even leaves you in charge of it when he goes off to work and live his life. The leash may also be way more attractive now, the quality of the materials it’s made of are significantly better than the warn-down one you might be used to wearing. Sometimes now you even hold your own leash when you go out. He likes that! He thinks it’s really cute.

And you feel better about the cage. It’s different now because you may have some things that you want or like in there to give you comfort. It’s just enough to let things in the relationship go. Just enough to help keep your true nature at bay.

At the end of the day though, you’ve still never lived outside a cage.

Katie Louchheim is not a poet, but sometimes poetry about the cisheteropatriarchy pop into her head.

Word Vomit Wednesday - Oaxaca

If you follow me on Instagram you know that I spent much of the past week on a writing/artist retreat in Oaxaca, Mexico. In those roughly 5 days spent with 6 other women, I felt like I’d passed through a threshold that I’d been teetering on the edge of for the past couple of months. A mix of the city, the artists who welcomed us so generously into their homes and workshops, the photography walks and talks, the wild writing that burst us all open from the get-go, and the intimacy of our group that allowed each person to add their own special ingredients to the blend created an experience unlike any other. I want to talk a bit about the writing aspect of this retreat. I was floored by these women, their stories and the vulnerability it took to share them. I felt honored to be among them as they shed tears, recalled memories they hadn’t thought of in years, and brought whatever thoughts and feelings came to mind while allowing those of us listening to just hold them as they were read off the page and then to let it all go and hold that space in return.

In that circle in the hotel room we’d meet in every morning, some of us sitting in chairs while others of us snuggled on the bed, for the first time in my life I actually felt brave. My cheeks didn’t flush when I read aloud like they typically do, I wasn’t asked once to raise my voice when I spoke, and the armor I usually have on when meeting new people or sharing what’s on my mind melted off me. I’m not going to go into detail about the Wild Writing practice (if you’re interested, definitely sign up for a workshop or retreat with Laurie Wagner. You will not regret it, I will leave details below), but it essentially entailed not worrying about whether the writing was good so as to get to the heart of whatever was going on for you in that moment. To get past the ways in which we immediately edit and censor ourselves so that we can say what we mean and need to say. It was truly remarkable. The day I returned home from Oaxaca, still on a high from all that I’d experienced, I sat down and did some Wild Writing and this is what came to me:

“I brought home a heart from Oaxaca. One of the wooden corazón pieces Oaxaca is known for. If you would have asked me a decade ago, a few months ago, a week ago even, I would have told you I was not a “heart” girl. I was the girl who scoffed at everyone’s matching Tiffany heart-charmed bracelets from our Bat-Mitzvah year. Claimed anything heart-shaped was for little kids or certain types of girls. But not me. I’m not like those other girls. The girls with the hearts. I was the girl with the skulls. The girl with the safety pins. Not the girl with a heart. And here I am, back in Tucson, unwrapping my special touchstones from this past week in Oaxaca and what do I find? Underneath the bubble wrap and tissue paper is a heart. A heart with wings, no less. The color of the heart is black (my goth instincts are still strong within me) but it is open, free, not shy about what it is. That seems fitting for me now. The girl held together by fishnets and safety pins has joined the group of women she swore she’d never be like. Now a woman with a heart.”

Katie Louchheim wants you to not get it twisted, she’s still a skull girl too. Also, if interested in Wild Writing, look Laurie up at www.27powers.org and if you’re more into the photography side of things, check out our other incredible facilitator Andrea Scher at www.superherolife.com

Word Vomit Wednesday - Resurrection

It’s often said that the only constants in life are change and death. Our traditions, myths, stories, and scientific advancements all in some way have us trying to pull one over on our own mortality (in the approximately 200,000 years humans have existed, it hasn’t worked yet). Sometimes it’s not even adapting to change or coming face-to-face with death that’s most terrifying, it’s confronting and going through the process of loss and grief and coming to grips with a brand new reality. So many of us try to avoid it so much that there are even stories, both real ie: Barbra Streisand reportedly spending around $50,000 to clone her dead dog, as well as fantasy. Many of the latter have a character so consumed and uncomfortable in their grief that they’ll do anything to try to make the pain stop, even bringing back a loved one that they lost. In those stories there’s also typically a warning that states that, while bringing back the dead is not impossible whether by wishes granted by a genie or the use of dark magic, it is forbidden. And, from nearly every vampire and zombie story we know this to be true (unless you’re Barbra Streisand). The reason being that, whoever is brought back is not and will never be the same as you once knew them. To ignore that truth rather than feel the immense loss and move through the grief, is to wreak havoc on one’s psyche and world. But, what if some things come back to life after they’ve been buried? The tears have been shed, the tidal waves of grief have slowed to small swells, and you’ve moved on. And somehow, after a significant amount of time there’s a second chance. Do you take it? How do you navigate it now that you’re the one who’s changed?

People aren’t the only ones who die. Ideas, dreams, past selves and identities can also come to an end and the loss that’s felt in their wake needs to be honored just the same as if they were significant people in our lives. A reason why the loss of these things can feel as strongly as losing a person is because our brains don’t know the difference between reality and dreams, between the present and our memories, so when we shed something internally the pain of the loss is still physical and very real. The only way to move on and into the new is through feeling the loss.

I bring this all up because, unlike people in their corporeal bodies, opportunities can arise as we go about our lives that open the door to possibly making old dreams and goals a reality. How does one negotiate and begin to understand the reemergence of something once it’s already been let go? I suppose it really depends on if the thing itself was what needed to die or the context in which it was framed. The past few years, and this year in particular, have been incredibly intense and transformative for me. I went from living in NYC for over a decade, getting so close to fulfilling dreams that I’d had since I was a kid, to realizing those dreams (among other things) were contributing majorly to a decline in my health and the quality of my life. In my last two years of living in New York I came to the sobering conclusion that if I were to start living authentically and in alignment with myself I had to change my dreams and leave New York and all my projected future hopes, endeavors and life behind me. It took those two years for me to mourn, begin to realize and make space for other dreams and needs to enter my life and then I was able to actually commit to leaving The City. Two years of mourning a life path I had been on since the age of seven. As I reentered the world it was as an adult infant trying to figure out how to live in my body, my brain, my relationships and society in completely new ways. I was a wreck. During that period of grieving, I could barely listen to music because the sadness of no longer being on track to being the artist and producer I’d wanted to be for so long was too overwhelming. Thinking about all the time, all the years that I had dedicated to opening up doors and becoming a part of the music industry and community was acutely painful as I saw myself out. I stopped singing. My notes and books from conservatory and engineering school gathered dust. The only thing keeping me connected to music and audio at all were #tbt profiles on incredible producers, musicians, and artists I would write for Female Frequency.

I also found in that time that grieving is not all pain. A lot of the process also has to do with acknowledging and experiencing immense gratitude. My 29 and 30-year-old selves had to go back to 7-year-old Katie and thank her for being the dreamer, hard worker, and courageous human that she was. Because of her, I lived in one of the most famous and incredible cities in the world. I got to perform at historical establishments I never thought I would, like The Bitter End in The Village and The Apollo. I got to study and learn from Grammy-winning and multi-platinum selling engineers and producers at IAR. Even more importantly, I made some of my best friends there and have memories enough to last me many lifetimes. I got to have all of that because a seven year old wanted to submerge herself in song and create more music for the world. I will be forever in her debt because I would not be who I am without her guiding me in some integral way. It brought me comfort knowing that she’d probably be really stoked by everything I’ve done up until this point. Being grateful for her and the journey she took me on also made it easier to accept that it was ok that my needs at 30 are different than my needs at 7, and that the prioritization of those needs are more important than sticking to a particular path.

Back to now. This past year, as I’ve been focusing more on writing I have also been, reluctantly and with much hesitation, rebuilding a structure for myself to get back into engineering and producing. It almost feels like I’m being haunted by a ghost and I’m not sure if it’s a friendly, “I’m just stuck here until you figure out what’s still tethering me to this earthly plane so you can do something about it and set me free” ghost or an evil “I’m here to reinforce the capitalist, work-til-you’re dead, go big or go home, scarcity mindset that you are currently failing at because I’m a dick and most likely a Baby Boomer” ghost. I’m sure it’s a bit of both. What I’m coming to realize is that, even though I initially let go of the idea of working in music, I still have those skills and that training and can use them as a means to support myself financially. Almost three years ago I needed to completely let it go to allow myself to get to that place because at the time and for all of my life up until that point, my career was EVERYTHING. Literally was my world. Everything else came second. Now I’m in a place where career stuff has less of hold on me (though I still really struggle with falling back on old habits and ways of thinking) and I can engage in it with more discernment and detachment and, more importantly, look at the narratives that were underneath and driving the work initially so I can better understand and heal them. Because those are things that actually haunt us. Not the work itself, the people or places. But the stories we tell ourselves about them.

How will we go on without them? Life feels so dull and empty. I wish I told them how I felt. How do I fill this void? Will I ever be happy again? All valid questions and feelings and all with different answers for different people. For me, the answers have looked like reminding myself that I am whole and worthy just as I am. It’s not about what I do and achieve and being consumed by that that matters, but how I live. It matters how I speak to myself. It matters how I treat myself. Especially when I’m struggling and in all of my feelings. Living is hard, let’s not make it even harder on ourselves. Change and endings need to happen so we can stop holding ourselves back. Take your own hand, move through the pain, and let it go.

Katie Louchheim is happy that she’s finally been able to rebirth and resurrect this blog and in the spirit of that would like to wish all a Shana Tova, Happy Mabon, a balanced Autumn Equinox, The spoopiest of Spoopy Seasons, and Joyful first weeks of the Descent.

#hope #healing #vulnerable #music #self-care #new #exploration #women #thoughts #lessons #life stories #progress #story

Word Vomit Wednesday - Stop Kavanaugh

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts where I attempt to process thoughts and feelings, usually about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

CW: Sexual Assault

As with pretty much all the news about our current state of affairs, the Kavanaugh nomination and hearings for SCOTUS have been extremely triggering and stressful. Even before Professor Christine Blasey Ford came forward with her story of being sexually assaulted by Kavanaugh, this nomination indicated an even darker America to come, as if the one we’re in now isn’t dire enough for women, the LGBTQ+ community, and BIPOC. And, as with so much of the news we’ve been contending with since 2016, I’ve felt a need to pull back from watching it, reading tweets and articles almost ritualistically just so I can take care of myself physically, emotionally, and psychologically. Staying on top of everything going on takes a tremendous toll and I constantly find myself thinking about how the well-beings of marginalized people are constantly looked over and dismissed.

This came up for me again the other night when, after having a pretty relaxed evening watching The Emmy’s with my parents, my dad turned the news back on and that sense of simmering rage and hypervigilance that I’ve learned to just deal with existing as a woman in the world, came bubbling right to the surface. I had to leave almost immediately because that was not the way I wanted to end my day feeling. If I’m going to be active and helpful in any way, even in small ways like writing this blog, I need to be able to sleep at night. But one thing that came up in the few minutes of watching the Kavanaugh coverage that I have not been able to stop thinking about was a quote from someone in the nominee’s camp saying something along the lines of not even knowing the story or who the woman could possibly have been until Ford revealed herself. This narrative is offered over and over again as a way to dismiss women when they come forward in these situations. A narrative that continues to portray women and our experiences as insignificant.

That killed me. The fact that this woman not only went through a trauma where her personhood was never considered from the get-go, has been affected by it for decades, is risking her life for this country (she and her family have since had to leave their home due to death threats) to share her story and make her identity known, to again, be told by men she is not worthy of consideration is devastating. And that seems to be a major key in all of this. Women are not considered. At all. Kavanaugh probably didn’t recall the assault because he got what he wanted out of it. He never considered Ford or her feelings, needs, or wants. He couldn't have cared less. He still couldn’t care less. The GOP, who should care about putting an alleged rapist on the bench of the highest court in the land, but instead made a publicity stunt of having 65 women sign a document (all but two seemingly had no idea what they had signed) that stated they would vouch for Kavanaugh, definitely don’t see a problem if they’re willing to manipulate women to get their man through the confirmation process.

I saw a tweet the other day from @laurenthehough, who shared this sentiment: “You know what would be fucking weird to hear? ‘I did that. It was fucking terrible. I’m sorry. I did years of therapy and soul searching and work and I changed my behavior. I can’t change what I did. But I made damn sure I never did it again.’ Why is that never the statement?”

Why is that never the statement? I cannot tell you how healing it would be if those were the statements that we started hearing. Real accountability. Real apologies. Real work put into an individual’s growth and education. Would those statements start solving all of these problems? No, of course not. But they would at least indicate that these people recognize that the women they’ve hurt are people. And that they understand that they have caused harm, sometimes a lifetime’s worth, to another person. That would create a powerful shift. Because one of the reasons we don’t hear these statements is because these people don’t consider what they do to women to be of any significance. That unless you’re related to a woman by blood or marriage or if you find them attractive, they don’t matter. It’s probably inconceivable to Kavanaugh and his ilk that a situation that was so forgettable for him because “boys will be boys,” had been burned into Ford’s mind. She never mattered to him, he felt entitled to her and her body, and our culture allowed that.

As I’m writing this, I realize that I will be posting it on arguably the most important Jewish holiday of the year, Yom Kippur. Which couldn’t be more fitting for this topic. Yom Kippur translates to Day of Atonement. It comes ten days after Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year, wherein those ten days are meant to give us time to reflect on the past year. All the great and terrible experiences and the things we wish we did better or hadn’t done at all. What we are sorry about and who we need to apologize to and when Yom Kippur finally arrives we are supposed to take full accountability for ourselves. Now, one day to hold ourselves accountable for our actions (as well as inactions) and how they’ve caused harm and suffering to others and actively make amends is not enough. Especially if the damage we have caused has had a prolonged traumatizing effect on person’s life and livelihood. Going to shul once a year and reciting prayers are not going to fix things or provide the healing that’s actually necessary. But at least the holiday is there to jumpstart the conversation. To hopefully get us thinking outside of ourselves and give the apologies that we wished we’d been given when we’ve been wronged and make necessary and lasting changes.

I’m pretty sure Brett Kavanaugh is not Jewish, probably has no idea what Yom Kippur is, and, like most cis-het white males, doesn’t think he's done anything wrong and that he's entitled to whatever the fuck he wants. But for those men who do genuinely want to make amends and be better people and because we very rarely have a framework for how to get started with that, I’m going to offer a few suggestions (mostly for men to combat rape culture and inequality, though some of these skills definitely apply in many other areas and for most people) on some things to start focusing on that would be incredibly helpful. This is by no means a complete and comprehensive list, and there is no significance to the order, but a few things to get people started.

Listen to women and believe them. We know our own experiences, so please do not come at us with “what if she’s lying” bullshit. There’s a reason men are conditioned to believe that women are liars and that reason is to keep women oppressed. Learning how to listen, really listen, is one of the most valuable lessons anyone can learn. When you check your egos at the door, unlearn your social conditioning, and learn to center and hold space for someone else and their feelings, especially when they’re in need, it validates their humanity. We all need support and knowing someone is in our corner who’s not going to question our motives, interrupt us as we process whatever we’re going through in the moment, or lash out at us is basic common decency that we are rarely shown, but (as women) are expected to provide for others. It’s also invaluable for the listener because you will get to understand someone else’s world a little better and hopefully gain more perspective on the one you inhabit.

Start asking “What do you need” and “How can I help you.” Practice those questions so much until they become second nature. No one is asking you to bend over backwards for other people, only you know what your limits are and it’s your responsibility to be honest about what you can or cannot do, but this is another small gesture, just like listening, that goes a long way. On the flip side of that, asking for help when you’re struggling is an important skill as well. People will typically show up for you if you give them a chance, especially if you’ve shown up for them.

Hold other men exhibiting toxic behavior accountable. Show by example how a good man acts and let those who are extremely problematic know that you see them and what they're doing and are not here for it. Men listen to other men (bc toxic masculinity, but that’s a post for another day), so you pointing out that some behavior or thought-pattern is problematic or shameful is effective.

Vote for and support women. Not just the ones you’re related to or find attractive. If you can only make room for the former, you're only performing ally ship and you don’t actually support women.

Men built the glass ceiling, therefore it’s your job to dismantle it. Do not put the extra weight of men’s work on marginalized folx who are already carrying and navigating too much.

Go inward and start tackling your own internalized patriarchal proclivities. Do your due diligence to understand toxic masculinity, sexist/racist double standards, and your privilege and the ways in which you help perpetuate a system that gives you benefits at the expense and suffering of others. Ways to start doing that: go to therapy, get a group of your boys together and actually start talking about and identifying your feelings and asking each other questions, read books or watch films/tv by people who come from very different backgrounds than you. You’ll hopefully learn a lot about yourself and the world. And you’ll learn how to take responsibility for your own feelings in a healthier way, rather than putting and projecting that emotional labor on the women and other marginalized folx in your lives.

If you have realized that you have done something wrong or hurtful or it was brought to your attention that you have, you may want to get defensive. Acknowledge the feelings you're having to yourself, but to the appropriate parties try saying something like this: “I did that. It was fucking terrible. I’m sorry. I did years of therapy and soul searching and work and I changed my behavior. I can’t change what I did. But I made damn sure I never did it again.” If you haven’t done the work yet, don’t say you have unless you do actually plan on following through. And then follow through. These are also great growth opportunities for utilizing those new listening and offering assistance tools from #s 1 and 2.

*BONUS*: Do not, under any circumstances, attempt ANY of the above with ulterior motives. You do not get a gold star for being a “good guy.” This is just how people should be treated. Decently, respectfully, and without any expectation of owing you anything in return.

Obviously, this is a very simplified list but when you start opening the door to one of these items, more and more doors begin to appear. As hard as it may be at times, it is worthwhile work that benefits everyone. Also, if you’ve made it this far, please call your senators and tell them to not confirm Kavanaugh to SCOTUS. We, the people, deserve someone on the bench who considers all of us.

Katie Louchheim seriously doesn’t know how she functions on a daily basis with all this bullshit. CALL YOUR SENATORS TO #StopKavanaugh: 202-224-3121.

Word Vomit Wednesday - Flagged

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about random thoughts or a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Last week I was flagged on Facebook for “hate speech” much to my surprise and to the surprise of pretty much everyone I know. And, if I’m being honest here, I actually felt more inconvenienced than upset about it. I probably should have felt more upset about it because it’s indicative of an enormous and terrifying cultural trend: censoring critical thought and expression while protecting harassment, threats, and bigotry. I have no idea who reported me or what about me or something I posted (I only posted twice last week and I rarely engage with Facebook anymore except to post this blog and work for Female Frequency and maybe “like” some of my friend’s posts) was found to be problematic, which is part of the problem with reporting on social media platforms. No one has any idea what the fuck is going on and nothing is actually accomplished.

I talked to my friend (I’ll call her Viv for this piece) who co-founded and worked for an organization whose intention was to provide support for victims of online harassment. And what she found while working with Twitter and their global trust and safety departments was pretty abysmal. First of all, these are very small departments that employ very few people. Which makes discerning legitimate reportings and enforcing consequences for the hundreds of thousands of claims that come in weekly to be virtually impossible. And because these social media companies don’t want to shell out the money for more manpower on this issue we’re left at the whims of algorithms that end up doing more harm than good. By having bots that are programmed to find keywords and then trigger a ban based on those words removes any kind of discussion about First Amendment rights and protections.

Algorithms have no concept for context and nuance. You can’t define hate speech and symbols without also discussing context and you can’t pretend to care about the First Amendment if you can’t determine what speech is protected and what warrants consequences if there are no people having those discussions while working on cases. By setting up these algorithms you may be able pick up on that Neo-Nazi’s multiple profiles, but you’re probably also lumping people who educate about World War II in with the bigots as if they're in any way equitable. They’re obviously not even close. That's one way in which these social media platforms are doing a great disservice to it’s community members.

While Viv was working at her organization, she had the rare opportunity to personally and directly bring cases to global trust and safety which would expedite the process for her clients significantly. Even then, there were still many obstacles. No two social media platforms have a uniform way they deal with reports and they all require different types of “evidence” from the users filing complaints which users are either not aware of or have no idea how to obtain them. Not only that, but harassment is still just not taken seriously. According to Viv, even after personally bringing forward very serious cases involving death threats it still took 48 hours for any action.

The excuses for not doing more organizationally and even legislatively, is this bullshit idea that the Internet is too fast to even think about putting real protections for people around hate speech, threats of violence, threats to reputation, privacy and consent. Excuse me, but that’s just fucking lazy. So lazy and unwilling to do the work are these social media companies, that they opened up this country to major national security threats (hello, Russia Investigation). And it’s appalling that the people on the Internet who do cause harm and who express themselves with violence are only ever given a slap on the wrist. Why even have a reporting system if no one is going to be held accountable for their actions? Which brings me to my next point. Oftentimes reporting someone (as was in my case last week) is the harassment behavior.

Trolls employ reporting as a harassment tactic CONSTANTLY. My first personal experience with it was last week, but I have seen it happen over and over again to, in particular, to BIPOC (black, indigenous people of color) activists and advocates (mostly women) that I follow on various social media platforms. And it is enraging every time that these people who are either educating, observing, asking, or sharing are policed at virtually every turn. THAT’S FUCKED UP AND REALLY NOT NECESSARY. But because there is no real discussion or real people discerning the difference between hate speech and a truth that may make someone feel some discomfort, reporting is abused and used violently toward marginalized people. Much in the same way all our other institutions are set up to uphold those same white supremacist and patriarchal standards.

If our society is going to progress in any way, we need to get this mess sorted out. Free speech does not mean one is free from consequences. If someone is being abused they should feel like they’re going to be heard when they reach out. When someone has been flagged, they need to be given specific reasons why something they did or said was deemed inappropriate and be held accountable appropriately, not just given a link to the site’s guidelines. And if someone uses the reporting system in a violent way they should not only be appropriately held accountable for that but also have it communicated to them why what they were reporting was not considered hate speech, etc. Fostering discussion and education through healthy communication practices is something we definitely need in these spaces. If these platforms continue to rely on these algorithms instead of having qualified humans facilitate we are never going to have the resources or professional support that we deserve in these spaces.

Katie Louchheim suggests that if an opinion makes you uncomfortable, go see a therapist before projecting your bullshit inappropriately on others.

#resist #progress #feelings #content #life stories #justice #current events #1st Amendment #education #america #lessons #critique #exploration

WVW - AMERICA. Fuck... yeah?

Tonight I went to my parent’s house for dinner with some family friends, ate homemade pie, and watched some fireworks off in the distance while playing Tchaikovsky’s “1812 Overture.” Today is the 4th of July and in the good ol’ U.S. Of A, that means marking our independence as a country. It’s a holiday that I’ve never given much thought to, but just took as a day to hang out with people I love and eat a ton of food. The past couple years has had me, and many other people, starting to think a little more critically about the habits of our country and what it really means to be an American. To be completely honest, this seemingly benign holiday has become a difficult one to celebrate. In the words of one of my favorite people on Twitter, @OhNoSheTwitnt:

“Celebrating Independence Day feels weird now. Like when Facebook sends you a birthday reminder for one of your friends who’s dead.”

Yup. Let’s just take a look at some of the bullshit we’ve been dealing with since June:

At least 8 white supremacists, including admitted pedophile and rapist Nathan Larson are running for federal and state office.

45 called for Samantha Bee, a private citizen, to lose her job.

Scott Pruitt spent $1560 on twelve custom fountain pens.

The Pentagon reported that U.S. Military operations killed 499 civilians in 45’s first year in office.

The EU filed a WTO case in response to 45’s tariffs.

Manafort was sent to jail.

At least 2,300 children have been separated from their families at the border since the implementation of the DOJ’s “zero tolerance” policy.

Baby Concentration Camps

The 45 administration withdrew from the UN Human Rights Council.

45 went from calling the people crossing the border “rapists” to comparing them to vermin “infesting” the country.

A white male terrorist with a history of misogyny and white supremacy murdered five journalists in Maryland.

Surprise! Stephen Miller is America’s Goebbels. *Fun Fact: He’s a Jew! Wow, a Jew who becomes a Nazi. What a neat party trick!

ICE is the new SS

Space Force

More than 600 members of Jeff Session’s church filed a formal complaint accusing him of “child abuse,” “immorality,” and “racial discrimination.” Hey Jeff, you may want to rethink your interpretations of the Bible when your entire Bible study class kicks you out. Just sayin’.

45 rescinded an Obama-era rule meant to protect the Great Lakes and oceans bordering the U.S.

Melania is complicit. Duh.

Despite a signed executive order to keep migrant families together, there is no actual plan to reunite the nearly 2,300 already separated children with their families.

Reported abuse of the kids in the Baby Concentration Camps.

45 plans to meet with U.S. President Putin next month.

The “Unite the Right” organizer received approval to hold a “white civil rights” rally on August 12th on the National Mall.

The White House plans to merge the Education and Labor Departments.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders was kicked out of a restaurant because of her continued ride-or-die chick status with 45.

Naturalized U.S. Citizens are beginning to be targeted and stripped of their citizenship.

Sean Spicer has a new talk show. I’m not going to beat around the bush that he’s been hiding in, but fuck whichever network decided to give him a platform.

Federal debt is expected to exceed the size of the economy within a decade.

The United Nations estimates 18.25 million Americans are living in “extreme poverty.”

The DOJ is drafting a plan to overhaul the U.S. Asylum policy.

Rep. Maxine Waters had to cancel multiple events due to a very serious death threat.

SCOTUS Special Programming:

Fake clinics are allowed to lie to and manipulate women bc free speech and who gives a fuck about women they’re not really people just baby incubators. Thanks SCOTUS!

It’s totally cool to discriminate against LGBTQ+ people if you have a religiously-sanctioned heterosexual agenda.

45’s anti-Muslim rhetoric is being upheld in the form of the Muslim Ban 3.0.

Justice Kennedy announced his retirement from the Supreme Court. After the announcement, it came out that Kennedy’s son, Justin, worked at Deutsche Bank for more than a decade and loaned Trump more than $1 billion.

All of that was just ONE MONTH. I’m actually stunned with how we’ve been keeping up as much as we have. I have so many WVW’s that I started and then just wasn't sure if I should post because by the time a week or even a few days passed, whatever I had started writing about seemed almost irrelevant. On top of that, I’ve begun to emotional process the realization that whatever illusion of America I felt like I knew and was real has been completely shattered and I’ve been having a time coming to terms with and understanding what this country is and how it has always been and trying to reconcile how to function in a new, productive, and more informed way. It’s overwhelming as fuck, but our only choice right now is to remain hopeful and channel that hope into action and solutions that get us back on track to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness for all. This Fourth of July is a clear reminder that we are still not free. We need to fight for our freedom every single day in whatever ways we can.

Today is a complicated day. We’ll probably scorch our food on the grill to commemorate all the bridges we’ve burned to the ground, get drunk on ice-cold brewskis of freedom that do the double-duty of feeding our addiction to lies and illusions while numbing us from feeling the real weight of the dire situation we’re in or the discomfort of actually having to be accountable for the ways in which we’ve been complicit in getting here. We’ll bask in the glow of fireworks, like bombs over Baghdad and every other middle eastern culture we’ve had a hand in destroying while playing the “1812 Overture,” a composition celebrating Russia’s victory over the invasion of Napolean. A tradition that began when it was first played in a Quaker Oats commercial in 1965. Stealing someone else’s anthem via capitalism and claiming it as our own. There’s nothing more American than that.

Katie Louchheim has decided to identify as “tired.”

#history #america #resist #hope #lessons #change #civic duty #current events #justice #feelings #lgbtq+#immigrants #critique #content

Word Vomit Wednesday - 1 is Not the Loneliest Number

About three weeks ago my brother got married (woo!). This event also marked the 8th time I’ve been a bridesmaid. I am always honored when I’m asked to be a part of someone’s bridal party. It really means a lot to me to know how much our relationship matters to the soon-to-be-wed person that they would want me in that kind of a supportive and active role in a ceremony that has great significance for them. What it doesn’t mean though, is that I’m the 30-year-old spinster who can’t get my life together (ie: find a husband and “settle down”) who settles for being in a perpetual “always a bridesmaid, never a bride” scenario. This apparently confuses and concerns many people. Especially when I exhibit emotions at aforementioned weddings. I often become emotional at weddings and that’s usually because of two things: 1. Empathy and 2. Being present.

I am an extremely empathic person, sometimes disablingly so. I pick up other people’s vibes and feelings so often and often so unconsciously it can feel like I’m a human Dyson that hasn’t been turned off and has all this shit swirling around inside. Being an empath has made me a more compassionate person and critical thinker. It has also given me a lot of problems with really knowing myself when I so seamlessly internalize other’s thoughts, feelings and beliefs as they typically become so entangled with my own. Additionally, setting boundaries has been a major struggle for me. If I can’t figure out if my feelings are mine or not, how and where do I need to draw the line with myself and others? Fortunately, I’ve been doing a tremendous amount of work on that and that’s where being present comes in. Learning how to be present has been imperative to my emotional and psychological survival because it allows me the time and space to not only know that I have the ability to turn the empathy vacuum on or off, but to determine when, how much and with whom. When it comes to my experience as a bridesmaid I’ve been able to tap into those to things and allow the timbre of the occasion, the joy, and the heartfelt moments to affect me in a moving way. Also, if I see someone cry you can bet I will start tearing up.

Does all this make sense or are you still waiting for me to start sobbing about the sad state of ruin that is my love life? Hate to disappoint, but I’m really happy with where I’m at. Which is single. What really gets me, though, is people not hearing me when I say that and not believing me when I say that. Whether my expression of emotions is even registered for some people or not, they don’t believe me when I say I’m not interested in marriage. Frankly, it’s offensive. I understand that that may not be the other person’s intention, but impact matters more than intention. In fact, the only time intention is really worth consideration is when it is in alignment with impact. Otherwise, I highly suggest learning how to be accountable for your shit instead of putting it on the person you’re having a negative impact on. When people have pressed me about this topic and not taken themselves accountable, I’m left with so much emotional labor. I usually have to steer the conversation to some bullshit like, “maybe I just haven’t found the right person yet” just to get them off my fucking back because, for whatever reason, they can’t grasp the idea that marriage is not the end-all-be-all for some people.

When I was in second grade, I remember overhearing some of my classmates talking about their weddings and who they wanted to marry. All I remember thinking is, “What am I going to do with my life? How will I make an impact on the world?” There is nothing wrong with wanting to get married and have a family. There is nothing wrong with wanting to find your life’s purpose through work and career. There’s nothing wrong with being single and starting a family. There’s nothing wrong with being in a committed monogamous relationship and never getting married. The list goes on and on. There are so many valid and varied ways to live a fulfilling life… and yet. That first path I mentioned still seems to be deemed the only meaningful one. And that sucks. It sucks for someone like me who has really tried with this dating and romantic relationship thing and it all just feels wrong and like a nuisance. I have never not been miserable in a romantic relationship. It’s taken me a long time to realize that it’s not because there’s something wrong with me, though.

We’re conditioned to this very limiting hetero-normative narrative about what dating and romantic love and marriage is all supposed to be and mean to us. And none of it is particularly realistic and it hasn’t jived with me. So, why am I going to keep engaging in something that I know for a fact doesn’t make me feel good? Why would I spend so much time and energy on that when I can invest in myself and the things that make me feel joy? When I can put love and energy into relationships that already add so much to my life, like my friends, family, and mentors. Those relationships are just as valuable as romantic partnerships. We have to let go of the stereotypes and we have to stop jumping to conclusions about people when they’ve made deliberate life choices. We also really need to stop trying to be “right” about other people’s lives. Seriously, get a fucking hobby and let people be. And if you’re curious because you genuinely don’t understand, ASK THEM. If they agree to talk to you about it, something no one is required to do, LISTEN TO THEM. Don’t try to force your perspective on their experiences. You’re not gonna change their minds and it’s just rude. And if no one wants to talk to you about it, whether you’re rude or not nobody owes you anything, GOOGLE IT. People word vomit their life experiences on the internet all the time (hello and welcome to this very meta episode of WVW) and you’re likely to come across many stories of why people live the lives that they do. Newsflash: it’s not always an indication of being sad and lonely. People’s lives are interesting if you keep an open mind to them!

I could continue on and on about societal expectations on women (they’re fucked up and completely unrealistic so stop it) and talk about all the statistics of heterosexual-identifying people that state that single women are the happiest demographic just behind married men while single men and married women were reported as being most unhappy with married women being the unhappier demo. While this doesn’t represent every single person’s individual marriage, it does make it clear that marriage is an institution that generally only favors men. Because patriarchy. But, I’m not going to go into more of that because I’m not being paid to educate people and it's a great example of a topic you can practice your Google skills on. Try it out!

Anyway, I’m happy where I’m at in my life right now and I’m going to keep living my life based on my values and my intuition whether anybody else likes it or not.

Katie Louchheim hates vacuuming.

#resist #self-care #life stories #feelings #story #women #healing #progress #feminism #thoughts #lessons

Word Vomit Wednesday - Simulacrum

I’m sitting on my parent’s couch with a heating pad hugging my left shoulder blade because I apparently strained it while trying to see around the very tall woman seated in front of me at Centennial Hall. And while Finding Neverland was a very cute and harmless production, it was definitely not worth this misery and I think I’m feeling more sore about that than I am about the pain itself. Couchella 2018 is about as big of a bummer as every Coachella that doesn’t have Beyoncé performing. It’s also forcing me to literally sit and reflect on this past week in Tucson. This trip has neither been all fibro flare-ups nor without stress entirely, but what it has been is bizarre. I’m coming back to a place that I consciously ran away from partly because I didn’t feel like I could be myself there. Or even find out who that was. It was a place where I felt so trapped and afraid of and frustrated by everything. As the cosmic joke that life can be would have it, my healing journey indicated that it was time to go back and dig into the shit I thought I left behind. As I now know, no one ever leaves anything behind. Wherever you go, there you are and sometimes in order to move forward you need to take a few steps back.

Random Kanye West-style philosophical rambling aside, it is weird being back and knowing that I’m not just heading to New York for good at the end of the week. I’m here seeing my family, family friends, and even some friends I haven’t seen since high school and so much feels unnervingly unchanged. Except for me. Every day I have had a sense of anxiety and unease and it’s not about moving back for this sabbatical. It’s more this jarring out-of-body sensation of recognizing a schema, situation, or dynamic and just feeling slightly off within it. I’m taking that as a positive thing. Because while I am not totally at ease I’m also not totally off-kilter either. I feel more grounded in myself and less like I’m compromising my authenticity like I was when I left almost 11 years ago. It indicates growth and a realization that I have more power in situations. But, it’s also a very naked and vulnerable feeling. Feeling those feelings in these situations that recall seventeen years of previous experience in living here is incredibly confusing. Almost every day I’ve been texting friends telling them how anxious I am, how I can’t just sit still and relax, how I’m constantly looking over my shoulder when I’m out in public, how I’m having such trouble sleeping and I just don’t know why. You would think I was under Witness Protection or something.

No matter where I go I sense this essence of a Katie that no longer exists and it’s obstructing my view of the situation. Like the town is haunted by this emotionally wounded child that just doesn’t have the skills or knowledge to pass on. I don’t know if it’s just my memories coming into sharp focus and confusing the past for present reality, but every day there’s been a moment of haziness where the next thing to do, say, or go is either muddled or doesn’t exist at all. So, maybe that’s the job I’m supposed to do here. Picking up my life one place and putting in another is not the challenge. I’ve done that quite a few times already. And I don’t think exorcising or slaying the demons is what’s called for either because, as I am painfully aware of right now, that will probably just cause strain that cannot be helped by a few hours snuggled up with a heating pad. But maybe learning to face them and help them across the vale will help me actually move on too.

Katie Louchheim is looking into a career in supernatural diplomacy.

#self-care #hope #change #progress #health #life stories #healing #chronic pain #lessons #story #changes #exploration #thoughts #feelings #travel

Word Vomit Wednesday - Where is the Music Industry's #MeToo Moment?

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own (unless otherwise indicated); I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

If you're a human who exists and is somewhat aware of things happening around you, you've probably heard these two words a lot recently: me too. These words no longer hold the same meaning they once had. No longer are they bouncing with excitement when a common interest between new friends is revealed or jumping in to join brunch plans for the weekend. It turns out, those two tiny words in the English lexicon have been carrying an enormous weight and are now wielding their true power. Activist Tarana Burke started the #MeToo Movement nearly 10 years ago as a way to help victims and survivors of sexual assault and harassment feel supported and know they're not alone.

Fast forward to October 2017, both The New York Times and the New Yorker came out with harrowing stories from women who alleged harassment and assault, by now-disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein. Since then, stories highlighting everything from inappropriate and harmful behavior in the workplace to coercive and manipulative behaviors by men on casual dates have been starting long overdue conversations and taking powerful men down left and right, across all industries. All except one. The music industry. And because I am not an idiot and you are not an idiot, we know that it's not because the music industry is a beacon of light in the darkest corners of our culture, but one of it’s worst offenders. So, why is the music industry’s #MeToo moment so long overdue?

Art in itself aims to push the envelope and the boundaries of what is considered “decent” by whatever cultural standards are being upheld at the time. It’s also a way to underscore hypocrisies, build empathy, and look at our lives from different perspectives. Music, especially, is a gift in the ways it can get straight to the heart of feelings that cannot be expressed fully through verbal communication. In the mainstream, Rock ‘n’ Roll became the vehicle, the code of conduct and the badge of honor for, specifically, the men who became it’s stars. But the puritanical American environment it proclaimed to be railing against was just the flip side of the same coin. While it was claiming to subvert norms of the day, really what was it but another pulpit for white men to preach, set the narrative, and do whatever the fuck they wanted with almost zero consequence. Whether it was the men onstage or the men behind the scenes, exploitation (of women, black musicians, etc.) has always been the name of the game. In an industry that prides itself on being anti status-quo with the tagline of “Sex, Drugs, and Rock ‘n’ Roll”, it sure does everything in its power to maintain it. The counter-culture as a facade of just our shitty culture. Since it really only applies to men, it also makes the sentiment less rebellious and expressive and much more insidious.

Everything that we hear and know about going on in these other industries is and has been going on in the music industry. So why is it that, when we know someone can sing or play their ass off or produce some great records, we turn a blind eye. And it’s not like women haven’t tried to fight back. When they fight or attempt to take control of their careers and lives the smear campaigns are brutal. She was on drugs, she’s a diva, she’s a liar, she’s just a groupie looking for a payout, she’s having a mental breakdown, look what she wears onstage, she didn’t write those songs, how many people did she have to blow to get that famous and successful, didn’t she know what kind of business she was getting into, and on and on and on.

One of the only stories we’ve heard anything about in the past couple of years is Kesha’s battle with producer Lukasz “Dr. Luke” Gottwald. Her case went public as she began to fight him in court in hopes of being released from her contract, in which her record label Sony would only allow her to release music if it was with him. Though her collaborations with him on hit songs like “Tik Tok” catapulted her into the mainstream, it was at a steep emotional, psychological, and economic cost to her. It came to light that Dr. Luke put her through a wringer of alleged emotional and verbal abuse, manipulation, drug use and rape. (For a timeline of the case, click here). Who the fuck would want or even be able to muster the energy to try and work collaboratively with a predatory piece of shit like that. But Sony stood by their man and a contract that she signed with him when she was just a teenager. They couldn’t have cared less about her career let alone her well-being as a human. Her recent performance of new music at the Grammy’s was from the first album she was legally allowed to release in five years. And her legal entanglements with Dr. Luke and this nightmare is still far from over for her. It’s still unclear whether she was only allowed to release the music because he gave her permission to do so. Which, if true, means that he is continuing to profit off her and her pain which he has personally caused. This is sickening.

Her story, though, is not unusual. This industry has a habit of preying upon very young girls and women, turning them into objects of sexual desire for men, and dismissing them when they no longer want to play by those rules. A friend of mine who was in a band that used to go on Warped Tour in the summers, recalled to me that at seventeen-years-old she would be ushered into clubs by music industry men and touched inappropriately and in ways she was not comfortable with. And because she was so young she had no idea what to do about it and probably no one to report to. It’s not like this industry has a functioning HR department. This experience is one of the more tame ones that I could write about here. It’s a predicament that is familiar to a majority of women and it’s the same no matter what part of the industry you’re occupying: executive, A&R, production and engineering, artist. If you’re a woman or female/femme-identifying person you’re facing an uphill battle in a fortress that’s foundation is entirely made out of the objectified bodies and subsequent victimization of women. This excellent article here, highlights just how the industry is set up to fail women.

Another more well-known abuser that literally nothing has been done about is R. Kelly. Not only does he currently have multiple women trapped in various homes, completely cut off from their families and basically being used as sex slaves, HE’S. A. PEDOPHILE. Y’ALL. Remember when he married a then fifteen-year-old Aaliyah (RIP) when he was almost thirty? Yeeeeeaaaaahhh. But because of a combo of him having “talent,” being a punchline on a very memorable episode of South Park, and seeming to only abuse black women people just turn their heads the other way. You best believe though, if he had fucked a fifteen-year-old Taylor Swift when she was starting out there would be no more after parties in hotel lobbies and all of the women trapped in his closet could be set free because he’d finally be trapped behind bars. This industry, literally, let’s men get away with pretty much everything. Women could not matter any less.

Women don’t have time for this type of fuckery, so we’ve been making our own spaces to create music, polish our engineering and producing chops and pass on our knowledge to female, transgender, and gender non-conforming youth. AND YET. Without a beat there will be a yearly article wondering aloud where all the women producers and engineers are. It is BEYOND fucking frustrating. It is the laziest piece of journalism, if you can even call it that, ever written. There are groups and labels all over the world that exist to support and connect female music professionals. I can name six off the top of my head: Female Frequency, Soundgirls, Women in Music, Women’s Audio Mission, Beatz by Girls, Gender Amplified, Inc. I’ve worked with Female Frequency for the past three years and for about a year I’ve been in charge of their #tbt posts in which I highlight a woman and/or queer artist/producer/dj/engineer etc. and I find them with just a simple Google search if I’m not already thinking of someone specific. I swear to goddess I will strangle the author of the next “Where Are All the Female Blah-Dee Blahh Blahs” if they don’t start talking to actual female professionals in the industry and critically thinking about how the music industry has and continues to shut views out that don’t fit in a nice white cishet patriarchal narrative. Here's one of the only articles I have ever seen to not pull this bullshit.

A sliver of this ignorance was showcased recently in an interview that NARAS (the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences) president, Neil Portnow gave to Variety in which he said, in so many words, that if women wanted to be successful in this industry they needed to “step up.” Just so I don’t go through my intense feelings of anger as I write about this again, I’m going to leave a snippet of a piece I wrote that was one part response to his comments after the most recent Grammys and another part Female Frequency #tbt featuring the incredible Amanda Palmer and her response to his completely out of touch statement:

“...when an ignorant and brutally out of touch Neil Portnow got on that Grammy stage this past weekend and told women in the industry in the condescending patriarchal way that so many of us are accustomed to that they need to “step up” to be successful, I took a deep breath. He just spoke in front of an audience that included Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson, Janelle Monae, Pink, Lady Gaga and so many other of the most successful, innovative, and vocal women in our industry and told them that they are not doing enough. He stood on that stage that Kesha had just poured her pain and heart out in a song about her healing from sexual assault to an arena filled with people who were complicit in the system that allowed her to be assaulted and abused and even prohibited her from doing her job for four years and implied that those roadblocks were her fault. This kind of vile proclamation is not new to many of us. Palmer released a statement this week in response, “... I stepped up, dear industry dudes, I am making a really healthy salary every year and paying an entire team and hundreds of other musicians and artists and producers to collaborate with me in getting art out into the world. I am doing this all without the Grammys, without the major labels, without the completely corrupt radio stations, without the news media, without television, and without acknowledgement from any of the industry awards or contests, ever. So suck it, Neil Portnow. No woman in the industry needs to be told to ‘step up.’” She goes on to request the following action, “Women have been stepping the fuck up, and you have every opportunity - more than you ever did - to support them, now. When they step up, be the stairs” (you can find her full statement with this link). Be the stairs and lift up marginalized voices. That is the only way parity is going to happen and this is why Female Frequency exists. And Soundgirls and Beats by Girls and Women Beatmakers and WIM and WAM and the list goes on and on. We have stepped up and continue to step up in an industry that has made it clear that our points of view and experiences are not welcome, so we’ve made the space for them to have a voice. We are mastering our crafts and we are excellent at what we do. The #MeToo movement has yet to have the impact on the music industry that it desperately needs to, but I’m not worried about that. In the event of the reckoning about to hit, and it will most definitely hit, I have a suggestion for Portnow and his like-minded ilk: if you don’t want to get steamrolled I suggest, sirs, that it’s time for you to step aside.”

The backlash was swift and soon reports began coming out about the emergence of a “female advancement” music industry task force at NARAS with a statement from Portnow, “I understand the hurt that my poor choice of words following last Sunday’s GRAMMY telecast has caused… I also now realize that it’s about more than just my words. Because those words, while not reflective of my beliefs, echo the real experience of too many women. I’d like to help make that right.” First of all, a half-assed non-apology is not a great a start. We’re not doing that anymore. Because so many of these statements have a history of being empty and as excuses to save face in the court of public opinion, the idea of a task force whose goal is to “do more to overcome the explicit barriers and unconscious biases that impede female advancement in the music community” sounds like a whole lotta unspecific bullshit. Because this is the thing, if The Academy specifically, and the industry at large wanted to change they’d have to tear the whole thing down and start anew for that to happen, and that’s not going to happen unless it’s forced to. This industry is predicated on the objectification of women as a vehicle for cishet white male rage and desire. Until that view is obliterated, nothing of real value will change.

Word Vomit Wednesday - #WINNING

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Hey all, happy Wednesday and Valentine’s Day! I’m still working on my #MeToo/Music industry piece for you all so, expect that in the next few weeks. There’s just so much about it to work through and my head feels like it’s going to explode every time I sit down to write it and that’s why it’s taking SO LONG. In the meantime, I would like to share with you some good news that I received this morning: MY HEALTH INSURANCE IS COVERING MY BIRTH CONTROL!!!! You may be thinking, “Ummm, isn’t birth control supposed to be already covered by insurance, like, by law?” And to that I would respond, “Our White House is full of white supremacists, sexual predators, and dogmatic followers of Gilead and nothing mAkes SEnse or MaTTeRS ANYMORE. EVERYTHING IS CHAOS HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA?”

Before my maniacal cry laughter makes you completely back away from me, let me give you some background. I have had to be on birth control since I was about 12 years old because of period pain and symptoms that were reminiscent of being stabbed repeatedly in the uterus by a ghost (for those of you who already know this part of my story feel free to tune out). It turns out that I was not being physically assaulted by the paranormal once a month, but had a fun case ( and by fun case, I mean incurable disease) of Endometriosis. After going through maybe two or three types of birth control pills that were available at the time, it became apparent I was going to need stronger stuff.

For eight years I got a shot of Depo Provera in my hip every three months. Was this birth control that helped me be pain free and function like a normal human being (really teenager, so as normal as a teenager can be) covered by insurance? NO. DUH. Remember, as much as our health insurance sucks now it sucked WAAAAY more before the ACA passed. Anyway, my expectations of getting any medical help from anyone but my parents was extremely low. So, when I switched back to the pill (there were more options now) it was as seamless as it could be. I didn’t have to try a million things, my doctor gave me samples of Loestrin FE to try and I felt fine on them. Because this was still pre-ACA it wasn’t covered, but once the ACA passed…. IT STILL WASN’T COVERED.

Loestrin FE (which later became Minastrin and is now Taytulla) was not covered because it is not a generic medication so you have to prove that you can’t take any other meds before they’ll cover it, otherwise you will have to pay out of pocket for it ($130 - $224 a pack). For a while, if my pill got rejected my doctor had to file an emergency appeal stating that I needed it to manage my endo and later (when I did try the generic) that I couldn’t be on the alternatives because they threw me into depressive spirals. Usually this was all it took and then I’d be ok for another year. Wash, rinse, repeat for about 6 years. About a year and a half ago I decided to try a different pill and I felt fine on it for awhile. I later decided it wasn’t for me and to go back to the pill that I’d previously been on and I expected the process to be the same as it was before. Except this time, they didn’t care that my doctor had submitted my medical reasons for needing to be on this particular formula. They rejected it. Twice. And let me tell you, they came for the wrong bitch.

I took the stack of rejection papers they mailed to me, highlighted and made notes all over them and decided to fight them. It’s been close to a month of being on the phone with many CVS Caremark agents, playing phone tag with my nurse at my OB/GYN’s office (she suggested we should get our own separate hotline), requesting documents, sending documents and even reaching out to start finding legal representation if they continued to give us shit. And this morning, my nurse called me to tell me they caved and will be covering my birth control for the year. It was the best news I could receive and I’m dropping off a nice bottle of bubbly for my nurse at her office tomorrow. Seriously, get you some medical professionals that fight for you and support you. We all deserve that. Also, I need you to let this sink in for a bit: this ordeal was JUST about birth control. The victory aside, this experience screams to me how in trouble women’s health and reproductive rights are right now. Not that we’ve ever been in the clear, but that’s another Word Vomit for another Wednesday.

While, if push comes to shove I have the privilege to have the option to pay for this medication out of pocket, it was so important for me to be vigilant about my care. It was important to let them know that I know what I’m worth and what I need. It was important to me to not stay silent because that’s how they get away with treating people like a bottom line instead of a person. I don’t know why my insurance ultimately decided to approve my medication, but I have a feeling it was partly because they realized that they were dealing with someone who isn’t easily intimidated by a stack of papers, who knows that they have no grounds or basis for denying me care, and would fight them til the bitter end.

Katie Louchheim would like to give all the Valentines to all those medical professionals who have dedicated their lives to caring and supporting women and our health. You are invaluable and you make the world a better place for us all.

Word Vomit Wednesday - A New Year and A Breakup

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

CW: Rape/PTSD

Hey all! The first month of the new year is coming to a close and I ended up taking a much longer hiatus from the blog than originally intended (my bad) and that’s partly due to a mix of a lot of travel, some big changes happening in my life, as well as this month being a very tough one emotionally for me. More on that later. First, I want to tell you about some of these changes I’ve been making. The most significant change for me this year, after living in New York for nearly 11 years, is that I will be leaving and moving back to Tucson this summer. I don’t know how long I’ll be in Arizona for, all I know is that I am viewing my time there as a Sabbatical to help me work on things I am passionate about, be closer to my family, and figure out where I want to go next. This breakup with New York has been in process for the past year and a half, maybe even two years. At this time I finally feel ready to make the move and embrace what happens.

I first started seriously thinking about leaving when I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and PTSD and was looking at it purely through a health lens. My thinking went, if my nervous system is overstimulated and causing me to be in pain to the extent of not feeling capable of holding down a job or just living my life generally, living in an overstimulating environment might be a major contributor, right? While that is true and perfectly sound reasoning, I wasn’t entirely convinced that I was actually ready to make the change. My logical self and emotional self were not quite at odds, but were definitely in conflict. My health became priority #1, but I struggled to rectify the idea of leaving New York when I still hadn’t accomplished what I set out to accomplish by moving here in the first place. Big dreams like being the first woman to win a Producer of The Year Grammy or having a creative presence everywhere from stage to big screen, to goals that society tells us we need to be, like being a fully independent human with a house and well-paying job by age 25 hadn’t exactly panned out as planned. I had to come to terms with the fact that me being able to live and thrive is more important than killing myself over standards that were set by those who would never even consider my particular reality. I had come so far and so close to having the career I wanted that to admit to myself that over 20 years of studying, performing, working my ass off to establish myself that this path was not right for me anymore. I felt like I failed myself and I needed to process that too.

As I spent this last year feeling pretty lost, I realized that the reason I’m even here and have gotten to do and experience the things that I have is because a 7-year-old Katie realized singing was awesome, that music held a space for her that no one and nothing else was able to when she needed it, and decided to dedicate almost every waking moment to learning and mastering as much as possible. I’ve been living my life based on the dreams and aspirations of a 7-year-old kid which is pretty wild if you think about it and also entirely understandable why, at 30, I would now have different needs and visions for myself. I owe a great debt to that kid though. She had the imagination to dream big, the audacity to ignore those who felt she was weird and unrealistic, the undying belief in her own worth and potential, and the dedication to continually work hard at something she was so passionate about. That kid was pretty fucking awesome and I owe her a lot. I think she’d still be proud of me and unbelievably stoked by the things I’ve been able to do and the people I’ve met and been honored to work with even though I’m not the rock star she intended for me to be. Kid Katie, thank you.

Career and dream stuff aside, there’s NYC itself. For anyone who lives or has lived here, it’s really unlike being anywhere else. The city is so dynamic that it’s almost like another person in your life. That’s the main reason why I’m calling this move a breakup because it feels like the end of my longest, most serious relationship. In fact, it is my longest and most serious relationship. Once the thought of leaving popped into my head, I was all of a sudden being bombarded with memories at every turn. It was as if New York was bargaining with me saying, “But remember all those times?” Of course, I remember those times. Like any new mutually felt relationship it was the beginning of an exciting new world opening up. The newness, endless possibilities for adventure and success were intoxicating and even the challenges gave way to immense growth and opportunity. I was able to start fresh in a place where I barely knew anyone which gave me the freedom to shed old roles that I never felt were me and try on some new ones. There were really great times. And drunk times, times of being in sheer awe of where I was while walking through Central Park, the frustrating times of waiting for the MTA to get their shit together, great concerts, weekend trips, beginnings of some of my most valuable friendships, then end of some very toxic ones, and also some of the absolute worst times. Times that I thought would finally break me.

I’ve grown a tremendous amount as a person and have learned so much about myself as a result of living here. What I know about myself right now is, that at some point I went from living here out of excitement and possibility to living here out of fear of what a failure I’d be if I left. Not the best ingredients for a healthy relationship. I’m also at a point where I finally feel clear again about what I want to be focusing my time and energy on and the things that were once challenges here, are now obstacles getting in the way of that. So, this is what leaving New York will mean for me: I’ll be able to focus more and be more consistent with this blog, put up the accompanying podcast, and work on a book that I hope to turn into a graphic novel and have published. It’s been difficult to give what I want to give to these projects while living in a place where it takes so much time and energy to just take care of the bare essentials of survival. Now that I’m committed to these projects and have more clarity of a path, leaving for more open space and room to think and live is a no brainer. I’m feeling extremely grateful that I am no longer afraid to take that leap. Thank you New York for helping me arrive at this place.

Just as new years are opportunities for reflection and instituting change, we are who we are and we bring all of our parts of us with us into the new year. I’ve had some trouble posting this blog the past couple of weeks because my PTSD has been acting up. The continuation of stories and discussions from the #MeToo movement coupled with this month being the 4-year-anniversary of me being raped has been very emotionally and physically draining. As I write this, I feel like every muscle in my body has been lifting weights for 72 hours straight even though all I’ve done is read and watch The Shannara Chronicles on Netflix. Dealing with flashbacks, conscious and unconscious triggers, reemergence of uncomfortable feelings of shame, guilt, and rage has meant I’ve needed to be more loving and gentle with myself during this time. This part of myself and my experience is also still very hard for me to talk about.

Thankfully I’m getting better at healing. I know that these feelings will not last forever. Experience has taught me that I’m stronger than the shittiest moment that my brain puts on loop, and that gives me hope. As we enter 2018, I’m feeling extremely grateful, strong and excited. We all have a lot of work to do so, let’s make the changes we need at the pace we need. Let’s keep important conversations and actions going and discard anything that no longer serves us. Onward and upward!

Katie Louchheim just dumped a f*ck ton of word vomit on you so, as a palate cleanser go check out her cool new blue hair on her Instagram @ktjlouch. Happy New Year!

Recommended Listening: “(There’s) Always Something There to Remind Me - Dionne Warwick

Word Vomit Wednesday - Yearly Wrap-Up

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

This year has been a doozy. Where last year everything and everyone we loved seemed to drop dead every other day, this year has brought about us picking up the pieces and laying a foundation for the country and lives we want. It has not been easy. Between one natural disaster after another, being gaslighted by the president, white supremacists feeling emboldened, more mass shootings by white men with histories of domestic violence, to shitty politicians and policies (the repeal of Net Neutrality JUST happened. Fuck you Ajit Pai.), and tweets that could possibly set off a nuclear holocaust (and more!) this year has been stressful AF. We have had a constitutional crisis nearly every single day. And we're still fighting. Since the Women's March on Washington the day after 45's inauguration we have not stopped and because of that, real changes seem to be forming. We are in high-tide with no chance of slowing our roll in sight. Meeting, marching, voting, calling our representatives, and taking down the patriarchy has become a daily part of most of our lives and it's making an impact.

Tarana Burke's #metoo movement has begun to hold men accountable for their actions and complicity is in the oppression and subjugation of women while letting women and other victims/survivors of sexual harassment and assault know that they will finally be believed. Special Counsel Robert Mueller brought charges against high-ranking connections to the 45 Administration in his investigation of collusion with Russia. We voted in women, POC, and transgender folx into offices (firsts for many districts) that have traditionally been held by middle-aged white men. And, Alabama, voted in Doug Jones, a champion of civil rights, instead of an alleged pedophile and let the GOP and RNC know that they wont stand for their party over people bullshit.

There will continue to be highs and lows in the coming year and as we head into 2018 midterms, but if 2017 is any indication, we're going in stronger and more determined than ever.

On another note, I will be taking a few weeks off of posting WVW so I can focus on spending time with my family and resting over the holidays. I will be back in the new year with new posts and... the podcast! I'm really looking forward to getting that part of all of this going :) I want to thank everyone for their support and comments and DMs about the blog and I hope you all have a wonderful holiday season.

Katie Louchheim would really just like to be on vacation now.

#2017 #wrapup

Word Vomit Wednesday - Apology

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Thanksgiving was a little rough this year, which means that for a person living with chronic pain and illness, like myself, a huge amount of time to heal afterward was necessary. I was so stressed out this past holiday that the moment I got back to the safe space that is my apartment, my body turned into a brick and I was unable to get out of bed for a good 24 hours. The following days were spent being in intense physical pain topped off with an emotional state of hyper-vigilance and panic. It’s taken me over a week to “normalize” and feel like myself again. My days generally focus on checking in with myself constantly and making decisions based on what I’m feeling and how much energy I have. It makes it hard to commit to anything because my energy can (and does) change at the drop of a hat. And because there’s no known cause that medical institutions can point to for Fibromyalgia, I end up having to try a million things to see what feels helpful and what doesn’t.

My life is literally in my own hands. And it’s a full-time job. So, below I’d like to share an exercise that I have used off and on that has been really helpful for me on my healing journey with chronic pain (and other wounds) and maybe it can be a tool that you can have in your toolbox too. I’ve used this tool to write to younger versions of myself that needed soothing and understanding and to specific body parts that I’ve historically been angry with. Every time it’s hit an emotional nerve that has led to some form of catharsis and deeper understanding of myself. This week I wrote a letter to my fibro asking for forgiveness and extending an olive branch for moving forward together. I added a new component for myself by writing a response letter as my fibro. This second part was extremely powerful for me because I was able to give voice to a part of myself that had important things to say and needed to be heard.

Here are my letters:

Dear Fibromyalgia,

I have been feeling really tested this week. I spend all the time and energy I have working with you and around you. As much as I feel like we’re figuring things out sometimes weeks like the past couple hit and I find that I just don’t know what you want. I know you’re helping me to acknowledge areas of my life and feelings I need to work on, but why does it have to hurt so much? I know it’s out of trying to help me and protect me. I cannot express how eternally grateful I am for that. Especially since, you’re probably very used to being treated so ungratefully from me. I’ve minimized you, ignored you, blamed you for holding me back in life and equated you to weakness. So now that I’m trying to be open to conversation and to building a relationship it can feel like the levees breaking and I’m drowning. I’m trying not to view this that way anymore. Maybe this is more like me breaking out of the cocoon you’ve turned my body into so that I can eventually break free into the form I’m supposed to be. Becoming is not and has not been easy. Or glamorous. Or simple to explain. And it’s taking a really long time. I’m learning to trust the process and I’m learning to listen and take appropriate actions for myself. I’m sorry for not trusting you and for treating you like you didn’t matter. Because in doing that, it’s meant that that’s how I’ve felt about and treated myself. I hope you can forgive me and that we can continue to move forward in friendship, even in times of regression. I will keep in mind that, those times especially, are reminders to treat both of us gently.

Your friend,

Dear KT,

Thank you for this letter and your apology. I know how earth-shattering and difficult these past few years have been for you. This has been a learning process for me too. As you’re growing and learning, I’m having some trouble letting go. What can I say? Old habits die hard. I’ve sprung into action so immediately and for so long for you that it’s hard for me to find other ways to help you to manage what life throws at you. You’ve been through alot and I’m extremely proud of who you are and all the work you’ve been doing. I will always be here for you and I look forward to continuing moving forward together. Even if that moving forward sometimes looks like stepping backward. Like you said, becoming is not easy. And I know when you finally emerge from one form to the next you will realize and take ownership of the power you have and lead a life that is meaningful for you.

Love always,

Fibro

Katie Louchheim is here for the destigmatization of mental, chronic, and “invisible” illnesses and hopes you are too.

#health #healing #tools #vulnerable #letters #exploration #fibromyalgia #chronic illness #chronic pain #apology

Word Vomit Wednesday - 30 Things About Being 30

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

Hello lovely people! Today’s WVW will be a departure from the usual content because 1) it’s suuuuuper late (I meant to post last week and not this week) and 2) I turned 30 last week (hence why I did not post)! To commemorate this new decade and because we live in the Buzzfeed era, I’ve decided to do some personal reflection and make a list of 30 of some of the more important things I have learned up to this point. Some lessons took a very long time to sink in, some I had to learn quickly and unexpectedly, and some I’ve always had with me. In no particular order, here they are:

1. If you say you’re going to do something, do the best you can. You’re allowed to take your time. You’re allowed to change your mind. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad or flaky person if you’re not always able to follow through.

2. Manage your damage. You deserve healing and people in your life who recognize you as human instead of punish you for it. It is the hardest, least selfish, and most rewarding work you will ever do. Give yourself that gift.

3. You have a lot to offer. Don’t feel pressured to only give what people may want of you, but figure out how and what you want to contribute on terms that make sense for you.

4. The most important relationship you have is with yourself. As cliched and overly-simplistic as this statement is, it’s also true. No one is going to be with you as much or as long as you will be with yourself. Figuring out how to be the best you for you makes things feel a lot easier and can even help make approaching your other relationships more manageable.

5. It’s ok to be vulnerable and it’s imperative to be selective about who to be vulnerable to. Feeling vulnerable is all about feeling safe and can also very much be about context. Not everyone can or should be entrusted with your heart and your experiences, so paying close attention to picking up on who is safe and who isn’t is an important skill to develop. Which brings us to...

6. Listen to your body. For pain, red flags, pleasure. You may not understand exactly what your body is telling you in the moment, but it’s important. We get so many messages about how we should be and what we could be doing. While a lot of this messaging is meant to help us to be our “best selves” all it really ends up doing is making us distrustful of our own experiences, instincts, and intuition regarding what is actually best for us.

7. Trust yourself.

8. People will treat you like shit. Sometimes it’s systemic based on who you are and other times hurt people hurt people. Either way, dump those people and situations. They will only hold you back.

9. It’s ok to be angry and to show it. In some circumstances it’s absolutely necessary. Anger and rage are basic human emotions and are not indications of the kind of person one is, but who would know that based on how our relationship to anger is so fucked up in our society. Women aren’t allowed to express it and men are expected to express it frequently and violently neither of which are healthy for individuals or the community at large. Healthy relationships to our anger (and other emotions) can let us know when a boundary is crossed and can give us the energy necessary to assert ourselves.

10. Be curious. Ask anything and everything. The less mysterious the world is, the less fear is controlling the steering wheel in our lives.

11. If you can, travel as much as possible. You’ll learn things about the world and about yourself by getting out of your comfort zone. Sometimes, just going out in your own backyard can be enough of an inspiration or adventure.

12. Stop feeling bad for wanting and needing things. Toughing shit out just because that’s what we’re told to do is terrible advice. All you’re doing is suppressing important information about yourself.

13. Friends will come and go, and with them many gifts and insights into different moments from your life.

14. There is nothing wrong with you. Even if you’re suffering, it may not have anything to do with who you are or anything you have done.

15. There might be something wrong with you. Sometimes if you’re suffering there might be an underlying condition that warrants investigation.

16. Take your medical health into your own hands. Don’t settle for medical professionals who don’t actually help you find the answers and treatment you need and also make you feel like shit about it. Your health is more important than their God-complex.

17. Things that once held the most importance to you may change due to unexpected circumstances. Embrace the change and reevaluate your priorities by putting yourself first.

18. Mourn the person and dreams you thought you would be and have accomplished by this point. Just because things didn’t come to fruition the way you once imagined they would, doesn’t mean those dreams were stupid or a failure. Those parts of you and the space they occupied deserve to be honored.

19. Throw societal expectations out the window and learn about who you are instead. The world, and you, will benefit more from showing up as your authentic self than what you think the world wants you to be.

20. It’s none of your business what other people think of you.

21. Use your privilege to make space for other marginalized voices and allow others to make space for you to use yours. But, and depending on what space is being occupied, don’t wait to be invited to use your voice.

22. You will face very difficult and sometimes traumatic situations in your life. You may struggle with decisions in the moment or for years afterward, but there is no right solution. There is only what will be the healthiest for you, sometimes on a moment to moment basis.

23. Ask for help. As a being that is human, you have limits. It’s ok to know what those are and ask for assistance. No one expects you to be able to do everything yourself and if you find yourself surrounded by people who do, you may not be surrounded by the healthiest people and/or you’ve somehow infiltrated a robot army. So, back away s l o w l y.

24. Spend time with the people who are most important to you. This seems like a no-brainer but can often feel like a huge challenge. We come up with all kinds of excuses not to be together: too much work, not enough money, who will watch my cat, etc. Sometimes we really can’t get away, but a lot of times we just need to get off the grind.

25. VOTE AND CALL YOUR REPRESENTATIVES

26. You may have people you admire and works of art that you love for all kinds of reasons. Creativity can unite us, help us empathize with one another, and speak truth to power. Once a person wakes up to the power structures that affect and oppress us in daily life, they will also realize that no matter how much joy someone, a song, or a film can bring, it does not mean that it may not be problematic AF too.

27. Allow life to happen, but not too much. Be more proactive in your own life lest you get too swept away in other people’s decisions.

28. Figure out your boundaries and set them. If others don’t respect them, that’s a reflection of them not you. And take that as a cue to dump those people as fast as possible. You can’t change anyone so don’t continue to kowtow to people who think your feelings/needs are not as valid as theirs.

29. People will surprise you. Just as you are changing, so is everyone around you. Sometimes these surprises will hurt and other times they will move you to the happiest tears.

30. Allow yourself to acknowledge all the good things in your life, everything you’ve accomplished, and the love you get from others. It’s ok to accept and be recognized for your awesomeness without deflecting or self-deprecating. Because you’re great, no excuses needed!

Katie Louchheim could not be offered enough money to EVER want to relive her 20s. She has a feeling the best is yet to come.

#list #birthday #lessons #dirty30

Word Vomit Wednesday - Anniversary

Welcome to Word Vomit Wednesday! A series of blog posts about a specific topic from current events that I, and sometimes the rest of the Internet, ruminate obsessively about. All thoughts/opinions/experiences are my own; I don’t claim anything that I write to represent anyone other than myself.

This time last year I parted ways with my girlfriends, bleary-eyed and in a fog. We didn’t even finish watching the coverage because we knew where it was heading. This time last year my numbness from shock slowly morphed into dread as I cocooned myself in a shield of blankets as the realization of how much more danger my life and the lives of many began to sink in. I was mortified, humiliated, and utterly heartbroken. The eerie silence of the street outside my window as the sky cried echoed my state of mind and the minds of many that day. This time last year I didn’t know how we were going to make it through the next 24 hours let alone the next two years. Last night, a year later, I finally feel relief. Our fear fueled into action made an enormous impact. Look at what we accomplished:

Congratulations to Danica Roem. Roem made history by becoming Virginia’s first openly transgender elected official. Not only that, but she beat the legislator who authored the abhorrent and infamous Bathroom Bill. Let that sink in for a second. She will be joining Virginia’s House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Larry Krasner on becoming Philly’s new DA. As a civil rights lawyer, he has made a career of defending activists, standing up to and suing law enforcement.

Congratulations to Phil Murphy on his gubernatorial win in New Jersey.

Congratulations to Andrea Jenkins on becoming the first openly transgender woman of color elected to public office in the US to the Minneapolis City Council.

Congratulations to Ralph Northam on his gubernatorial win in Virginia.

Congratulations to Lee Carter on his win in Virginia’s House of Delegates in the 50th district.

Congratulations to Justin Fairfax on becoming Lieutenant Governor of Virginia and only the second African-American to win a statewide post in Virginia since Reconstruction.

Congratulations to Sheila Oliver on becoming Lieutenant Governor of New Jersey, and being the first African-American woman to hold that title.

Congratulations to Michelle De La Isla on becoming Mayor of Topeka, Kansas.

Congratulations to Ravi Bhalla on becoming the first Sikh American mayor in US history, of Hoboken, New Jersey.

Congratulations to Mazahir Salih, a Sudanese immigrant, on being elected to the City Council of Iowa City.

Congratulations to Vi Lyles on becoming the first African-American woman mayor of Charlotte, Virginia.

Congratulations to the state of Maine for putting your health first and expanding Medicaid.

Congratulations to community activist Justin Brannan on winning a City Council seat in Bay Ridge, Brooklyn.

Congratulations to Bill de Blasio on his second term mayoral win in NYC. (Please be better because you’ve kinda sucked these past few years. Good talk. Love, New Yorkers).

Congratulations to Chris Hurst on joining Virginia’s House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Attorney General Mark Herring on his re-election win in Virginia.

Congratulations to Joyce Craig on becoming the first woman to serve as Mayor of Manchester, New Hampshire.

Congratulations to Michael A. Soriano on becoming Mayor of Parsippany, New Jersey.

Congratulations to Manka Dhingra for her special election Senate seat win in Washington State.

Congratulations to Yvonne Spicer on becoming the first mayor of Framingham, Massachusetts.

Congratulations to Janet Diaz on becoming the first Latina member of the City Council in Lancaster, Pennsylvania.

Congratulations to Booker Gainor on becoming the first African-American mayor of Cairo, Georgia.

Congratulations to Laura Curran on becoming the first woman to hold the County Executive title in New York’s Nassau County.

Congratulations to Lisa Middleton on becoming the first openly transgender person to be elected to a non-judicial office in California, joining the City Council of Palm Springs.

Congratulations to Wilmot Collins on becoming mayor of Helena, Montana. He is a refugee from Liberia, and is the first black mayor in Montana’s history.

Congratulations to Elizabeth Guzman on becoming one of the first Latinas elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Hala Ayala on becoming one of the first Latinas elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Melvin Carter on becoming the first African-American mayor of St. Paul, Minnesota.

Congratulations to Lydia Edwards on being elected to District 1 of Boston’s City Council.

Congratulations to Kim Janey on being elected to District 7 of Boston’s City Council.

Congratulations to Jennifer Foy on being elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Wendy Gooditis on being elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Kathy Tran on being the first Asian-American woman elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Jennifer Boysko on being elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Kelly Fowler on being elected to the Virginia House of Delegates.

Congratulations to Tyler Titus on becoming the first openly transgender man elected to a seat on the Erie School Board in Pennsylvania.

Congratulations to Delaware County (Delco) on becoming Democrat-controlled for the first time since Pennsylvania became a state in 1787.

Congratulations to Jerry Shi on being elected to the Edison, New Jersey School Board.

Congratulations to Falguni Patel on being elected to the Edison, New Jersey School Board.

Congratulations to Jonathan McCollar on becoming the first African-American mayor of Statesboro, Georgia.

Congratulations to Brendan Barber on becoming the first African-American mayor of Georgetown, South Carolina.

Congratulations to Mary Parham Copelan on becoming the first African-American mayor of Milledgeville, Georgia.

Congratulations to Vernetta Alston, a queer death penalty attorney who has helped exonerate black men with DNA evidence, for being elected to the Durham City Council.

Congratulations to Jenny Durkan on becoming Seattle’s first woman mayor since the 1920s (the first was Bertha Knight Landes in 1926) and first lesbian mayor at that.

Congratulations to Phillipe Cunningham on becoming the second openly transgender person to be elected to the Minneapolis City Council.

A majority of these positions that once were red now bleed blue. And a fuck ton of old, white, cis-het, republican men were rightfully fired from their positions. Exclusion and discrimination are disqualifiers. We don’t need public servants who only serve a portion of the public. This time last year everything changed. More people were inspired to take action, run for office, and fight for the America that we want to be and not the America we’ve historically been. Our resistance is strong and yesterday was just the tip of the iceberg. History was made and we wholly deserve to celebrate this moment. Then we get back to work.

Katie Louchheim says “Onward and upward!”

#election #civic duty #history #firsts #progress #local elections

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