Divinity @ominous-siddique - Tumblr Blog

In love with the past and afraid of the future. Such is life huh

Love

It truly is a sensation unparalleled. How can something so beautiful be so poisonous? How does one coherently reflect on the nature of this chemical phenomena? Humans are complicated creatures, whose brains are suffused with endless thoughts and feelings. It is entirely possible for these thoughts and feelings to render one’s vision blurry and non-absolute. How can one narrate the concept of love if one cannot see its beauty in its entire defined form? Because the beauty of love lies in its lack of definition. Its endless potential for meaning, its inability to be transcended. Love is beautiful because it is a mystery, because it urges to be discovered and explored. It taunts the naive human mind with its fragrance and forces its own pursuit. Love is its own ungraspable mystery, and everything seems beautiful from a distance.

I myself know that I have experienced love in my young life, and I am grateful for it. In my relatively mature age, I reflect on the past, and while most of these memories inspire pain, I remind myself that it happened, and the fact that it did happen, should render me eternally grateful. I have experienced love. Despite its pain, I have experienced love.

The first time I was damaged by the intangible promises of love, I was left broken. It took me so long to recover and regain myself. It changed me, as I looked to transform my identity to become a better person. That’s the thing about love; it tears you down, but also teaches you how to rise again, with more ferocity. Yet I was in such a terrible point in my life. Heartbroken and hopeless. I was in genuine pain, my heart was aching, and I felt entirely unmotivated to live my life. But there was a rainbow after the rain. I was up again, and continuing on with life’s constant and remorseless rush.

The second time it happened caught me unexpectedly, entirely by surprise.

I loved this girl. I had so much care for her. I was always putting her first and I did not want much more than her prosperity. There was genuine love here. I felt it and I know she did too. It was two individuals that deeply cared for one another and embraced one another as a regularity in their day-to-day lives. It ended though, like most good things.

I am only upset because I lost that unparalleled sensation of love. I want to reiterate. The sensation of love is unparalleled. It is something all humans should pursue, despite its promise of heartbreak. It truly is beautiful.

Now I lost her, and with her, I lost the love I gave her. I have not felt the sensation of love in so long. How it must feel to have another person in your thoughts constantly and to know that that person feels the same towards you. How it must feel to engage in conversation with someone who you can so easily engage with and laugh along knowing that all the hurt you are experiencing right now in the world is nothing if you have their company. This is really how I felt. In the middle of last year, I was at a very low point in my life, with a depressing social life, and an even more depressing academic record. But I told myself that I am barely affected by any of that because I have her company, and with her everything seems like it’s alright. See love is a blanket, blinding you from the horrors of the real world and providing you the warmth you think will last forever.

I lost her and the promise of love turned to ash. Pain was much less profound this time than it was the last time; I realised that I found it easier to move on. Am I gradually going numb?

One day soon, I would like to feel love again. I do not want her back I suppose, I just want back the life we had. One day I’ll feel love again, and go through the heartbreak all over again. And maybe if I’m lucky, I’ll feel love with someone who I would eventually call my wife, and we would be too old, too tired to go through the heartbreak stage.

And maybe then, on a quiet day, I will reminisce with a cup of tea in my hand, look to my younger self, and say, “Be grateful. Be grateful that it happened.”

One more day..

I have longed to write for a very long time. I told myself that I shall start writing once my exams are completed but clearly cannot help myself. It’s just one post on Tumblr, just one small message that no one shall read.

One more day. One more day till my final exam in year 12. One more day till I can finally officially call this dreadful year to a close. 2019 has been undoubtedly, absolutely undoubtedly, the worst year of my life. It’s actually unbelievable how terrible this year has been. It really is. Not a single year in my long 18 years of being alive have I experienced a year so wildly filled with misery. The two formidable pillars that decorate this failure of a year are: 1. Losing my best friend who I had had an indescribable bond with, and 2. Being hit with failure after failure after failure, in my academic studies. Yet here I stand. In the face of a bottomless fall, I stand with moral conviction. Because there is only one more day. The year may not end, but a dreadfully gutting chapter of my life will finally be closed. Finally written and hopefully burnt in a memory at the back of my head I struggle to recall. One more day.

There are still 43 days left until the end of the year. Perhaps something magnificent will happen to me in this timeframe that will nullify my misery of 2019. I very much doubt it though. Nullifying a year worth of trouble is a naive predicament. Oh 2019. What did I ever do to you? Never mind that now. There is a song to be sung, a dove to be freed. I do not need to recall everything I have loathed in the past 10 months or so, I should only hope for a grand and fortuitous time after the one more day. I wish to take my leave from this terrible phase of my life. And I hope in the next 43 days I can create a torch that would burn away this year’s shortcomings and cast a light that declares that 2019 was not so bad after all. You know what they say, all is well that ends well.

Too used to it to value it

Don’t move on

Beautiful things aren’t things you’re suppose to move on from. Fight for them. The cliche ‘Move on’ only applies to more common life happenings. Believe that

Verge of Giving Up

I am on the verge of giving up. Actually I think I have given up. I am now just trying to convince myself that I still have so much to fight for, that these setbacks are nothing; you will only rise now. Lies I tell myself to keep going.

I am not suicidal by the way so you can stop reading now if that was the interest.

I just feel like putting in no effort these days whatsoever. I’m so tired, so tired of not being good enough, so tired of always failing. I’m exhausted. It’s not like I have not tried. Just nothing has worked. So here I stand, with nothing left to lose, why do I feel like there’s nothing left to gain? I want this year to end. I cannot wait. I’m just so tired of the setbacks. I need motivation. A drive to wake me up again. Something to reignite what I once was. Unstoppable. I shall rise.. eventually. But right now I want to sleep. One day I will look back and smile.

It's like we throw away the things in life that really matter just so we can make it to the top and wonder what we're even climbing after

Nathan

Life: Phase II

I am approaching the end of my school years. By the end of 2019, I will have graduated and started a brand new type of lifestyle.

I have very much longed for the end of year 12 to come. I cannot state how anxious I am for this atrocious year to end. I want to make so many improvements in my life come the end of Year 12. And because I am so determined and because I have waited so long, I know that I will achieve these goals. I have to. I don’t see the point in life if I am not working for the absolute best. Let us list the many things that I shall work on come November 25th, 2019. PLAN OF WELLBEING BETTERMENT ACT 1 2019 -Abolishing the consumption of Pepsi/Coca cola (Slow steps to abolishing fizzy drinks as a whole) -Cleanliness of room and self-organisation check weekly -Application of soap and moisturiser on face on a regular basis -Showering on a daily basis (Shampoo once every 2 days, Mask every week) -Brushing teeth (When waking up, after shower, before bed) -Fitness (Walks/Jog x Weights) One hour each day -Water consumption (Finish the bottle and refill each night) -Committing to prayer obligations (at all costs) -Limiting intimate habits to once a day (gradual inclination to absolute abolition) -Adequate sleeping routine (This is your most difficult goal but if you can achieve this, you can do anything) Remember the prize is within reach. You will not outwork me.

Endure Life

Life does not wait for you to get back up. No life keeps going. If you do not get back up yourself, you will be run over. Life will run all over you. You will be left vulnerable and there for the taking and life does not need a second invitation.

You must understand this. Understand that in life, the world will not stop for you to be ready, to stop moaning. No you are expected to always be ready, and to never stop going forward. Because if you do stop, you WILL be left behind. That isn’t a threat, it is life’s promise.

What do I advise? To pick yourself up, to brush yourself off, to adapt, to overcome, and then move on. No one is waiting for you. Survive.

Expectations.

Because I have these expectations of myself, I am prone to emotional pain when those expectations are not met. People expect me to be at a certain standard. I expect myself to be at a certain standard. When those expectations are not met, what am I to do? I find comfort in lying about myself when things go wrong, so people maintain the high standards they have set for me. Perhaps I care too much about what others think. But I have personally set expectations, and I struggle to live with myself when such expectations are not met. I struggle so much that I force myself to lie to people that trust me, I hide the contents of my life from people because I don’t want them to think that the angel they see is actually the devil in disguise.

I just wish I was better. I wish I was the version of myself I advertise. My guilty conscience grows

My Mind

I have utilised an aesthetic blogging website to vent my inner thoughts so I do not feel compelled to expressing them outwardly to people in my life in an attempt to avoid being judged and harshly criticised. Welcome to my humble abode.

I am Failure

This year 2019 has been host to an unending and consistent series of disappointments and setbacks. I have never felt so torn down before, never felt so disappointed in myself. My self-esteem is at an all time low and I feel nothing but dejection. Of course ever time i have been hit with failure, I have made a somewhat acceptable attempt to get back up. Never say die, never give up and all that. But this time, this failure has hit me hard and I can only pray now, that I escape this dejected mindset. I have been hit with one too many failures all too quickly to just wipe my face off and start again. I started the year with an optimistic approach and goals that, in hindsight, seem very farfetched. Of course I did not think they were set that farfetched as I felt I could accomplish given the adequate amount of hard work. It was nothing I couldn’t handle I thought, because I had been doing similarly for many years before. I thought I would rise to the occasion given the importance of the occasion and I thought I’d be able to overcome all my obstacles and reach my goals. I was optimistic and I wanted nothing but the best, and I felt like I was good enough to get it. I really did. My self esteem was high, my morale was high, I was inspired and I was ready to put in the work. No one could have foreseen my downfall. I set high expectations for myself so after my assignments are marked I expect to get a high grade because I worked at it. I thought I’d have it in the bag. I go into the mindset that I cannot get a grade lower than an A. I always have this year. And not just slightly below an A, my standards dropped at a scale that was unprecedented to me. I was always left extremely shocked with my grade and I’d drown in disappointment and agony. I couldn’t understand; I was never this poor and I never got such terrible marks. I still don’t understand how my efforts account for nothing. They say hard work pays off well it is not paying off this year. Understand that for 11 years of my school life, I have been a top achiever, an undisputed intellect. My grades always soared and I was always proud and confident with myself. Understand I have no confidence right now, I am drowning in despair and discontentment and my self esteem is all but dead. I don’t understand how this has come to be. If my grades on an annual basis were put on a bar graph Year 1 to Year 12, there would be an unforeseeable and devastating drop in Year 12. I do not understand. This year it started with the Blade Runner Essay, then the Maths Test, then the Economics Test, Then the Chemistry Test, then another Math Test and another and another. Then a Chemistry Test, then an Economics Test, then another English Essay. then a Critical Reading, and now the UCAT. This is a list of things that I expected to do well in because I felt I did it to a good standard only to receive the feedback and receive grades like Cs and Bs. That is not normal for me as I have always prospered in the A band. I don’t understand what has happened I really don’t. Each time I went into the assignment thinking I did well with a relatively high self esteem and each time, I left with a diminished self esteem and a drastically low grade. Do you understand what that does to a person? It makes you feel worthless.

Every time I was thrown to the ground, I convinced myself to get back up. I changed my ways, I gained new inspiration, and I tried harder to get better. I sought to learn from my mistakes, I reflected on my downfall and I started anew. And still, that made no difference as my improvements, if any, were miniscule. Clearly I was doing something wrong but I really don’t know what, and it really hurts wanting to improve and thinking that you’re learning from your mistakes only to receive feedback that says you are not, and that you’re still performing poorly and your efforts do not make a difference. I don’t even know where I am going wrong, I don’t understand anything. How can someone who used to perform at the highest level consistently experience such a massive drop. I don’t get it.

Today I did the UCAT (Medicine Aptitude Test). I had been practising for it for about 6 months, I had invested around 700 dollars into studying for the test, buying resources, studying with peers, acquiring tips and strategies. I had spent long nights studying for the UCAT, I spent hours on end weekly studying for the UCAT. I used to go the library which is 40 minutes way and stay there for hours just practising for the UCAT. After doing my test today, I received my grade half an hour later; I got a score of 2520 which is roughly in the 50th percentile. I am average. And here I was thinking I was going to hit the 90th percentile. I don’t think I need to discuss the level of dejection that overwhelmed me right after. I don’t think I can, I’m just left truly... saddened. It’s a different type of sadness when you work so hard for something, only to be consistently hit with setback after setback after setback, and then you try to learn from it so you do better than last time, but you just get hit with another setback. Hopeless. This year I have been prone to disappointment. I have received enough bad grades that reinforce the knowledge that I indeed am a poor student. My pride that once roared has vanished and I have found myself here writing about my failures to an audience that does not exist in a website I don’t even trust. What has happened to me..

A feeling of emptiness entraps me on the occasional night. Well. It is entrapping me now more so than ever. A phase, a temporary blockade. I have been here before, I know what it’s like. I remember describing it as painful but beautiful. It is beautiful to value someone so much but it is painful to realise that value is most likely wasted. I wouldn’t like to say it is wasted because I am most likely wrong. But I am not feeling deserving of the circumstances I have befallen in given the copious amounts of affection I have given her. There is not any reciprocation. None at all really. But that is her style, I have come to believe. Her attractiveness lies in her.. lack of attractiveness. Her attitude, her reservedness. We all want what we can never have.

Have I fallen again? I miss how it used to be. Familiar. I’m feeling empty. Familiar. I don’t feel valued by her anymore. Familiar.

I simply do not know what to do. I invested a lot of time and love in this character and to still feel like this feels so cruel. I have done this to myself though. I am the only one to blame. My naivety, my excessive dependance on another being. I shall learn to value myself and abolish dependancy. She isn’t someone I want to leave though. Something about her makes me want to stay, to keep trying to get a hold on. What can I even do in this situation?

I shall practise patience, I suppose. She hasn’t really ‘done’ anything to me. Given the slightest hint of proactive disassociation, and I shall have learnt my lesson and will cease this relationship once and for all.

I am, after all, remorseless.

books-n-quotes

You know, missing someone can sometimes be the best thing for a writer.

Lang Leav, Sad Girls (via books-n-quotes)

The only days I visit Tumblr to blog are the days I miss the one that got away

I miss your presence that used to linger in my everyday lifestyle quite profusely. I had momentarily ceased to think about you and your untimely departure from my life but this.. thought if you like, is ongoing, consistently entrapping me. It is like an untied rope, a loose end, unfinished business, a dissatisfied farewell. Whatever it may be, I miss our past profusely. Sometimes. At times like these that is; 1AM on a weekday in a stressful and lonely week. We were very good together but nowadays we are strangers. This sounds like a typical relationship circumstance but it really is not.

All the same, I miss it as I have expressed several times, just not to you. I do not have the confidence to tell you of my undying excruciating anxiety. Quite frankly I don’t think you’re at the point of caring. I must digress from this and continue on with my life. I hope this is just a rare infrequent episode. I will forever remember you but I hope you do not stain my mind for all that long. Thank you for your memories. I hope to see you soon. Always.

Once..

A feeling I miss indefinitely, even though I have somewhat moved on, I get flashbacks, memories, moments from this selective past that halt my daily life ongoings and I sit there contemplating what could have been and what eventually happened. I describe it as an unfavourable feeling but a pivotal sign that I have experienced beautiful moments in my life. That beauty is only amplified as time passes on. The past is just so alluring that we forget to live in the present. It is feelings like these when I am filled with so much emotion that I only wish to depict my expression in the form of writing. Perhaps these words will be read by blind eyes but it need not matter to me. I solemnly only wish to speak my heart because I am refreshed by the feeling within me. I am curious as to how I feel and I pursue writing about this interesting mindset.

I miss you Tay.

Don't be upset that it's over, cherish the fact that it happened

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