i'm writing this in what seems like a raw form of myself.
for the past year i've been entangled with another human being. i remember telling them that things weren't going to "work out" and that i came into their life as a lesson. i spoke those words into existence because that's truly how i saw things from my lens at the time.
they would come to pierce my heart many, many times. i think i became lost in the cyclone of them. i was so enthralled by the potential of what they could've been, and i was given breadcrumbs to hold onto each time i thought about letting go. i felt myself fading at the edges. each compromise, each forgiveness, each return left less of me standing where i once was. i became unfamiliar even to myself.
the selfish act of betrayal on their part consumed me, like night and day.
reflecting on everything, i realised that i was taken for granted. if there's anything i deserve, i want it to be love poured into me the way i pour into others. the undying compassion, patience, and forgiveness that i extend to those who wrong me.
to say this lightly would be an understatement, because suffering hasn't turned me cruel. somehow, each wound only taught me to extend more grace. the real tragedy is that while i was busy cradling the pain of others, i kept leaving myself behind.
i don't think you ever saw me for who i truly am. i can't be reached through the parts of yourself that don't sit well within me. there is so much depth beneath my surface. i wanted you to wander through the rooms of me, not stand in the doorway and call it knowing.
life can be simple, sure, but i'm too delicate to be treated with such little care and ambiguity. whoever walks beside me should do so with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand.
i don't think you know who i am, truly. perhaps you were never meant to.
our conversations often left me yearning. i searched for substance, for curiosity, for something that reached beyond the obvious. instead, i was met with an indifference that slowly dulled my desire to keep reaching.
i carry pain. i sit with it alone, too. i am strong enough to endure the grief i unfortunately experienced at your hands. i never doubted that part of myself.
to respond and say you're happy i'm doing what i want, and proud of the way i spoke with passion, feels absurd to me. it's as though you're seeing me for the first time. this is who i have always been. i never kept myself hidden.
you're complex in ways that i don't think i need to be curious about any longer.
i will always love, love. however, you as you are, are not the love for me. whether what you felt was authentic, only you can know that.
i think i just want to bury the version of you that took root in my heart. the one made of potential, hope, and unfinished promises. it was never truly yours to begin with.
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
andulkaphoto
vaporwave
2087
