phocnix:
Euphoria. Lily racked the dusty cobwebs of her brain for a blissful memory. Something. Anything. But all she could feel was the despair eating away at her core. How could she reminisce happier times when she would n e v e r be happy again?
Tears threatening to stream down her face, she started blinking rapidly to force them away. She would not show vulnerability, especially not here. Lily could remember the last time she cried. Age six: A flash of lightning and a crack of thunder as rain pitter-pattered against the windowsill, her brother pulled her closer and whispered in her ear. “You’re going to be okay, Fox. I’ll protect you.” He couldn’t protect her anymore. She had to protect herself.
You have to do this, she told herself. She was a soldier who needed to march on. Thinking of last Christmas when James gave her the earrings she was wearing, she choked out “Expecto Patronum.” Not even a single wisp. She tried again, focusing on the day she met Clara. “Expecto Patronum.” She could see a glimpse of silver. Once more. She remembered the first time she tasted flight, the feeling of the wind rushing past her ears, the hug her father engulfed her in the moment her feet brushed the grass. “You’re a natural.” he told her. “Expecto patronum!” she bellowed. A magnificent silver phoenix burst from the tip of her Cypress wand. A firebird for James and Anna. It was their tribute; her patronus had always matched theirs. Fighting back tears again, she pointed her wand at the creature and tried to speak her message without faltering. “We are outnumbered. We need more troops. Send help.” When she was done, the patronus circled her once and then flew away, off to deliver the message to the Order safehouses.
It was a GRAVE mistake -- Ginny not being there for her children -- her eldest -- the one time he needed her most. By no means was she ever a perfect parent, she knew that she had made mistake after mistake, but her children always knew they were loved. They always knew that their mother would be there for them.
Ginny was not there for James.
Going that evening, the whole plan, in retrospect was also a MISTAKE. But, in times of war when the unspeakable happened -- the unthinkable needed to be delivered. ... -- Right?? Fight fire with fire, Ginny always did so, Ginny always persevered no matter what life threw her way.
Could she persevere through this?
Seeing the carnage brought back a more human side that she felt she lost during the never ending war, seeing the carnage that she had caused made her realize things she forced herself to push away. Two children, she still had two children who depended on her. Even as she felt the silent tears run down her face, even though she couldn’t feel her body from the mere shock that she had failed -- failed COMPLETELY, she ran. Ran for Lily, ran for Albus. Ran for James so that her other children did not add to the death toll.
“Lily,” wrapping her daughter in a hug she knew would NEVER be enough to keep her together, she pressed kisses into her hair, “Lily, love, I’m here. Let’s get out of here. Let’s go.”
How could she do this to her child? How could she tell herself making her child hardened for life was the only way to get through it? F A I L U R E, all she felt was like a failure.
“We’ll get Albus, your father as well, but I need to get you out of here immediately before the rest of the Order comes. You’re only a CHILD, you shouldn’t be here. You shouldn’t... have been here.”
It was her fault. It was all her fault her daughter was there. It was all her fault her son’s were there. It was all her fault that her James was DEAD. Murdered. While she tried to keep herself composed, while she tried not to cry, to stay strong for her daughter, her voice cracked when she tried once more to assure her daughter that they needed to get out the Travers Manor. It was the least she could do when she couldn’t guarantee the safety of her own firstborn son.
“Lily Luna, let’s get out, now.”
