OnceUponOneHelluvaTime

Mostly true stories

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

When my brother was around ten or eleven years od we were hanging around outside like you do and while we were talking about something from church the day before my sister told him that he could barely name the days of the week so how could he remember the books of the Bible and he then very proudly stands up and says that he can too remember the books of the Bible and then proceeding listing the months of the year and he didn’t realize his mistake until he got to July and my sister and I were laughing so hard we though we were going to pee ourselves

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

I was hanging out with my crush at a covered basketball court and it was really cold so I was doing some cartwheels to warm up and he was meandering around trying to find something to do now eventually he started doing pull-ups on the basketball hoop and I had gone to get some water on the benches and I look over just in time to see him slam his head into the hoop and fall straight down to the ground and I was laughing so hard that I fell off the bench

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

My brother was sitting at the table playing google feud and instead of actually trying to come up with probable answers he comes up with random stuff like one of the questions was ‘do astronauts...?’ And he said do astronauts lay eggs. Then there was ‘I think my cat is gay.’ And I’m dying over here because some of these guesses end up being correct!

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

I was teaching a kids martial arts class and there was a boy there who was very smiley and happy and loved talking to everyone and he couldn’t have been older then seven or eight and I was holding the pad for him during a portion of the class and he pauses mid kick and says “you ever have days where you feel like you’ve been hit by a bus? Because that’s how I feel right now, I feel like I’ve been hit by a bus.” And I legit just stood there like what do I even say to this I mean this kid was the definition of cute and happy and then he straight up pulls this out

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

Two of my best friends were dating and me and my other friend used to say that we were the designated third wheels and that whenever they lovely couple were together one of us somehow always ended up having to witness their grossly adorable love so that being said on the occasions where we would third wheel together we would hang back while the couple did their lovey dovey thing like holding hands, snuggling, tickling each other, or arguing like an old married couple... and we would make documentaries. My friend and I would take turns using a Steve Irwin voice and start going into exaggerated-story-time mode and we’d go on and on CRIKEY LOOK AT THAT WILL YA THE MALE IS INITIATING HIS EXTREMELY DORKY MATING RITUAL AND— BLIMEY WILL YA LOOK AT THAT ITS ACTUALLY WORKING!!!!

YA SEE KIDS WHEN THE FEMALE IS REALLY ATTRACTED TO THE MALE SHE MAKES HIM MISERABLE TO TEST HIS STRENGTH— “no I’m not saying you’re a hellbeast!”

I’ve lost count of how many shoes have been thrown at at because of these beautiful creations

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

My sister and I were sparring without head gear and she punched through my defense and got me good in the eye so of course over the course of the next day or so it started swelling up and bruising until I’ve got a typical looking black eye well two days later it was still there and I had to go to a staff meeting at the dojo where I work and as soon as I walk in the door and my coworkers see it they start threatening the person who did it to me like

‘Who do I have to beat up?’

‘I need an ax.’

‘Let me go get my shotgun.’

‘Who done it?’ *cracks knuckles*

Honestly this was one of the most touching things that ever happened to me at work because It’s nice to know that if I ever really do need help whether it me a creep or taking over the world I have an army of black belts who can go from teddy bears to serial killers it .057839 and would shoot first ask questions later

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

Our dojo used to have two separate mats and when we finished up a class the kids would go to the second empty mat to play and one of these times one of our senseis came with us and tried to teach us drop kicks and he would hold for the little guys no problem but then suddenly everyone is chanting for me to try it— me 15 years old and weighing 125 pounds pure muscle— my sensei wasn’t much older than me but he insisted he could hold for me so I give in and run up and throw my legs up there and kick as hard as I deem safe and turns out it wasn’t safe enough because I kicked him into the window

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

I was at work (a Krav Maga dojo) and I was assisting a family class and there’s this one family that trains together that I absolutely adore! There’s two boys and a little girl and the two boys are super funny and they’re always telling me these wacky stories while I’m holding sets for them and recently they’ve made it their personal goal to inform me about every romantic relationship I find myself in, first it was another assistant instructor then it was another sensei my age and from there I’ve stayed with the sensei and we’ve been going on some pretty cool dates and he drives me around in his car and I don’t know I think my love life is pretty exciting according to these ten year old boys I can’t wait till they tell me how my wedding goes

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

My friends and I went canoeing and on the way there we were discussing who went in which boat because there’s eight of us and one of the guys said that since they were stronger and better at canoeing the girls should always have a male in the boat to help paddle and this is coming from the same friend who when in a boat full of all guys tipped the canoe while oogling at a fish. So we get to the lake and it’s windy as hell like there are actual waves and we ended up deciding that we had to prove to the guys that we girls were better at canoeing so we shoved all three of them in a boat and then the rest of us managed to squeeze into one. We all went against the current barely moving at all and after ten minutes we turn around at the boat full of boys has vanished and even with a pair of binoculars we couldn’t see them but we continued on and managed to make progress in about an hour so feeling accomplished we turn around and row easily back to shore with the help of the wind. We arrive and still no guys so I call one of them and come to find out that they turned around and went with the current and were now stranded on the opposite side of a two mile wide lake with a broken paddle two useless bodies and a dying phone battery. With nothing we could possibly do we told them to just dock somewhere and carry the boat across the shore and pray that the trigger happy rednecks who owned property on the other side of the lake decided they weren’t worth the bullets. An hour later and they thought the wind was dying down so they got back in the water and tried to paddle with one paddle only to get stuck in some thick vegetation and by now we’ve called their parents who are now grumpily sitting in the back of a parked truck discussing whether or not one of the dads should hike out there and take charge which in the end one did and they carried the boat on their shoulders in defeat. It took two hours more, a unsuccessful jet ski, some duct tape, and an airboat but finally as the sun started going down the men returned exhausted and humiliated because they thought it would be best to travel with the current on a windy day three of them went to their tents and napped the rest of the day away while we girls watched the sunset in triumph with some s’mores and maybe some video recordings of the whole ordeal.

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once Upon a Time...

...during my Krav Maga class my sister and my best friend and I were working on gun defense and one of the key things we’re told is to do our best to be aware of our surroundings so if there’s a civilian in the vicinity try not to get them shot. So I had the training gun pointed at my sister and my super preppy schoolgirl-like best friend was watching and then my sister did the technique but accidentally pointed the gun at my best friend and she says “I just got banged” and she meant it as the most innocent thing but my sister and I just stared at her trying not to laugh until it dawned upon her poor exasperated mind what we enterpreted it as and now every time we’re in class and one of us says bang she turns red and hits us harder when we spar

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

...one of the moms in my homeschool classes decided to offer an ediquette class for all the girls and my best friend made me and my sister sign up and we were the only high schoolers in the class everyone else was under age 12 and one of the classes we were talking about proper phone ediquette and one thing led to another and we were discussing what you should do when someone you don’t know texts you and so I decided to share a story about a time where a stranger texted me about trying to cover up a hickey she gave her boyfriend and I forgot that I was in a class with a bunch of little girls with over protective Christian parents and so they began asking what hickeys were and my mom made me write an apology letter later

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time…

…I took a religions class with my friends and halfway through the semester we were discussing angels that delivered the messages to the people who started the religions and the teacher asked one of my friends which angel visited Muhammad with what would later become the Quran and my friend was only half paying attention so he confidently answered: “Abraham Lincoln” and I swear the teacher looked so disappointed that she could cry.

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

...when I was in high school our homeschool group went to Kennedy space center and learned things and at some point my friends and I wandered into the mars mission building and we were walking around and there was an exhibit about rovers and there was what looked like a window behind it and out of the corner of my eye I saw someone watching me so I nudged my friend and told her and she said she noticed too so we walked away and saw the people follow us so we ran back to the rover area only for the people to follow us again and so we stare directly at them only to realize the ‘window’ was just a really clean mirror and my friend and I had been accusing our reflections of being stalkers.

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

...my family has a tradition where during the holidays we go to Cracker Barrel with our friends and then go to some sort of Christmas show and one of these times my sister and our childhood friend were in the bathroom and they thought they were alone so our friend began singing her heart out and then these two little old ladies hobbled out of the stalls when she finished her song and they applauded her and asked if she would come sing at their table and that’s the story of how two ladies paid my friend in biscuits to come sing at their table.

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time...

...my friends and I went to a homecoming for homeschoolers that was gatsby themed and so were were all decked out in 20’s dresses and suits but we got there and nobody else was dressed to the theme and the music was crap so when it was time to hit the dance floor we hid in the kitchen and ate the leftover breadstick until we heard the cha chia slide come on so we rushed out to the dance floor and participated for a few songs and some guy used me to act out ‘Shut up and dance with me’ but anyway that was the most interesting part of my homecoming experience except for the car ride home in which one of my guy friends got so loopy he tried to throw his pocket watch at me but it was attached to his jacket so it just flew back and hit him in the face

[onceupononehelluvatime]

Once upon a time…

...In drama my partner and I were supposed to put on an improv skit and so I laid down on the couch and my partner started to act as if she was my therapist asking all these questions about how I felt about things and I’m pretty sure this would have been offensive to actual therapists but for her last question she asked me “If you could use one word to describe your life and how you feel what would it be?” So obviously I went to scream a heartfelt F bomb and since my partner happened to be my best friend she sensed what I was about to do and started beating me with her papers because there were small children in the room and so really the skit ended with my ‘therapist’ beating me and our drama teacher falling out of her seat.