DUMBLEDREAMS

Welcome to a world that’s entirely my own

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

we were trading friendship bracelets at a taylor swift concert with a friend and i'd spent so long making bracelets i just wanted to get some good ones in return. and i met this girl and we switched bracelets and she leaves and i looked down and it was just a zoggs pair purple and pink pair of goggles wrapped around my wrist

anyways i look up and it turns out we're not even at a taylor swift concert, it's a bloody red nose day campaign with dolly parton and that guy singer who was big in the seventies with long curly black hair and it's grey now, i don't know his name

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

in the new narnia movie it was lucy, peter, susan and prince caspian and they were on a flying plank of wood. it was going around a lagoon with a little cabin and some rocks and on top of the rocks in the cabin was professor slughorn and when it landed he invited them round for tea. and then the plank of wood slipped off and fell on the floor, and i noticed there was still an aubergine on the plank of wood. and slughorn was like 'where is that pesky aubergine? i need it to cook tea.' and for some reason i was in the movie, so i just grabbed it and it went up the ladder and it plonked at his feet and he thanked me and i disappeared out the movie and started watching it in the cinema with my sister and the scene that i was in was playing and i was texting my family passive aggressively telling them to get over, the film's already started

and i glance back in the audience looking for them and i see harry styles behind us and he's bald. and people are starting to notice that he's there watching a narnia movie. and they start tapping his shoulder and bothering him while he's watching a film. and i tell my sister 'i need to tell him he doesn't actually look that bad bald' because i was starting to feel bad about all the bullying he was getting online about it. so i turn round to tell him he looks fine, but he's disappeared into the crowd and the seats start moving

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

the flat i was living in had combined its two bathrooms into one and i went to leave my bedroom (because i was sharing it with six other people) to go get changed. and while i'm in the bathroom i'm like well i might as well take a piss while i'm there. so i'm sitting on the toilet and the other bathroom door opens and someone walks in and they start cleaning up and making small talk and they're like 'god it's such a mess in here, what's going on' and i'm like politely bewildered, still pissing, just wanting a little bit of privacy. and they're like 'are these your clothes hanging up to dry in here?' and i look and it IS but i swear i didn't leave them there. and the person's like, 'don't worry, i'll sort it out for you'

and the next thing i know i'm outside and there's a bunch of clothes horses with my stuff hanging around, but it's all on separate ones and i'm trying to figure out what's going on. and then the priest from fleabag shows up and he's like 'my guy, let me sort you out, i'm going to stick your shit in the dryer' and i was like pathetic, like 'no please, don't make a fuss, i just wanna get my stuff and then leave' and he's like 'no, it's too late, it's already in the dryer' and i look and my stuff is gone and i'm like wtf

so i go and find my best friend and he's doing his clothes but he's more professional about it so he's like keeping track of his shit and i'm just so sad because i was just trying to get changed in the bathroom. and then mr priest guy comes back with all my clothes in a dry bundle and he hands them to me and he's like 'that's how you do it' and i was like 'ohhhh great thank you'

and the moment he leaves i realise my other clothes that had been separated from the majority were still hanging up to dry and if he sees me trying to rescue it he's gonna think i'm so dumb. so the moment he disappears i start yanking my shit down as fast as i can, and it's all on different sides so i grab what i can and ninja jump and grab the rest and go underneath and fall on my brother and i'm still grabbing stuff. and i look up and my dad's laughing at me and i'm like stop it the fucking priest is gonna make fun of me it's not even funny

and my best friend is just watching me shaking his head because i'm an absolute buffoon

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was dog sitting and there wasn't much to it except the fact that one of the dogs was called spider and when i went to see him he had eight legs. he was great. really close to the ground, and his legs were not in the right place for a dog. like some of them were coming out of his back

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was at a water park with my siblings and two friends. it involved a lot of walking, it was a massive outdoor nature park. you had to walk across a lot of bridges and it was quite dangerous, probably not the most safely checked thing in the world. and the entire time we were doing it we were with jack sparrow for some reason, and he was scared of me. which was bad because i was really excited to see him. i was like 'yo jack' and he kept doing his funny run away from me. and we were going on a water slide and we were at the back of the queue and i was second from the back and he was at the back and he was trying to get away from me the entire time, i wasn't having it

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

dude i was at a park with a friend's baby and it was like bald but it could talk, i don't know how old that makes it. and i hate babies but this one was chill. and we were sat on the tarmac by the swing set and i was asking it random baby questions and then this massive green car just drives straight over it and smushes the baby

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

so i'm in my primary school and we're in the hall but the hall was getting ready for hozier to perform. and he goes to the front of the stage and the hall is packed and he does this great gig and i have the time of my life. and when he finishes everyone goes outside and i get sucked into this tide of people heading out the door. but as i do there's a van in the hall where hozier is packing up but when i get there it's just his stuff and he's not going in there so i leave again. and then i go outside and i see two birds and i'm like is one of those a bird i know. and my dad looks over, sees one of the birds and just reaches up and grabs her and he's like omg yeah it is. and then a falcon from absolutely nowhere just swoops down and catches her. and i chase after it and she falls to the ground and my dad's like 'we need to take her to the emergency vet this is awful' and i pick her up thinking she's dead but she's just a bit worse for wear but i'm like telling myself she'll be okay and i take her inside and try and feed her and stuff and eventually she started looking a bit more lively than she did. and while i'm taking care of her i can hear someone in the back on guitar playing hozier chords and i'm like 'damn, someone in this house has great taste' so then i walk into the living room and my mum's in there like raving and she's like 'how did i not know you were really good at playing musical instruments' and it's my fucking brother with three guitars and a keyboard and he's just like, whilst playing the keyboard, strumming the guitars getting the perfect chords for first time by hozier and he was singing all the words as well and i was just gobsmacked because there's no way that boy likes hozier

anyways i go back to feeding my bird and woke up thank god

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

so it started off in a house party playing video games in the living room. and in the back i see phoebe bridgers and lucy and julien next to her and i just lose it. i hug julien and she asks me what my favourite song of hers was but it couldn't be a boygenius one. and i panicked and ran away

then it cut to behind the scene of the kids show 'my parents are aliens' and they're ice skating on a lake and the mum is really good at it because she's an alien, but the dad is lacking. and the director is getting more and more angry. and then i go down to check the strength of the lake and i reach the far end of the lake and it's weak, so i let them know they can't go any further. and then the director gets really angry at the dad again, and the dad tries to do a cool trick shot and ends up going beneath the ice. bro nearly drowned. but he doesn't

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

everyone here was a wizard, they all had wands. and we drove down to see one, but we kept getting lost. but we eventually came back and were put in teams against people we didn't really know. and i was like 'i'm not getting in a wand fight with these people i don't know, you can do it yourselves'. so i stuck with my sister and all these teens and young 20s people started wand fighting in my garden. i went to my room

then hagrid came and knocked on my door and he was like 'take my wand' and i was like 'what do you mean' and he was like 'just take it, take my wand' and i was like 'you need your wand, i know i've leant mine off but that's not my wand' and he was like 'well i'm gonna die anyway' and then he shoved his wand at me and ran out my room

so i obviously followed him downstairs and caught him and was like 'wtf do you mean you've gonna die' and he was like 'no no it was just a joke i was just joking' and i was like 'well take your wand back because you need it still' and he was like 'yeah alright but you need to go and help because we're dying out there' so i go and get my wand back and step into the garden and start saying a bunch of sick spells and everyone's falling to the floor and i'm so cool, i won for us.

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

me and three other people got taken to taylor swift's 'castle' where she lived. and we were professional chefs and we were making her this really crazy meal and i was part of the dessert team. and during the second or third course, one of the chefs got in a massive fight with taylor swift. and the chef came back to us and we were still prepping our meal, and the chef was like 'taylor swift is being really shitty right now, we just got in a massive fight, there was a lot of 'he said' 'she said' thrown around.' and we all took the side of the chef because of chef solidarity. so we all started gathering up our stuff, i got my chocolate ice cream, but as we were leaving i was like 'don't forget to take some ice cream guys, it'll go nice with your meal' so they all took some of my ice cream and we left

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was in control of the machines at kfc that dispensed the food and we got the order wrong so asked the customer to send it back and they just kept eating it

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was at hogwarts and one of my professors was using the projector and lost their wand so used a bit of technology they'd seen muggles using and i was like won't that stop working here because it's hogwarts? and she was like will it? oh.

so i went to my next class taught by matt smith but i didn't want to concentrate and at the end before i could get away he literally stooped down and grabbed me as he dismissed everyone then put me on the bench and was like 'right what's wrong'

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was working nights in the back with my best friend and a friend from college and one night everything started going wrong. i ended up being really really late to finish my shift and i'm trying to log out of my device but for some reason it won't work. my college friend came over and tried to sort me out and it turns out it won' t log me out because he'd told me the wrong date to enter in and we both tried to take the blame then began arguing when neither of us would accept that we'd been in the right and the other person was to blame. and while we're arguing, phillip schofield comes over to the four of us (me, my college friend, my best friend and some other guy) and he says 'right, guys i've just noticed that you've gotten a lot livelier this past hour' and my college friend started explaining himself, and when he got to the end of his sentence i jumped in because i thought he was done, but then he started talking again and i shut my mouth and looked guilty. then i thought he was done again so i started to talk again but he still wasn't done and i ended up interrupting him twice and i got this guilty look on my face and then phil looked at me and i started wheezing and then he started wheezing and we both just like fell on the floor and dissolved into laughter? i have no idea

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was in a basement searching through my old stuff and in the back of my mind i was like you're gonna come across your wendy doll but i was having such a good time i didn't really care. and then i found her under a wardrobe. and then she started moving. and like walking towards me to kill me. so i filmed it and put it on my snapchat story and showed my dad later but he didn't believe me, but then he asked me if i'd pissed arthur weasley off because it was probably him playing a prank on me. and i was like no i did not piss arthur weasley off how dare you

anyway, before this all even happened i was trying to pee in the outhouse and my mother's old spitfire tried to RUN ME OVER but it was ONLY THE FRONT HALF OF THE CAR. it was covered in weeds and full of vengeance apparently. i had to like push it away, it was so weird

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was watching half-blood prince with my friends and i'd forgotten that molly weasley dies in it (she doesn't don't worry) but then i started crying because i wasn't emotionally prepared. and i was like mentally trying to tell myself to pull it together, so i started thinking 'i wish i was watching mamma mia right now because at least no one dies in that' and then i started crying harder because i forgot DONNA DIES

but THEN we went to the beach and one of my friends collapsed so someone was taking care of her, and then matty healy turns up on an electric scooter and made fun of me for crying about molly weasley dying in half-blood prince

i forgot to mention at one point i was in the film the half-blood prince for a bit. and i was with the weasley family, dumbledore, sirius and voldemort and we were all in the super market. and molly weasley went down an aisle to get some pasta sauce, she was reaching up to the shelf, and voldemort appeared. and i passed 'cause i was getting bored and i saw what was about to happen so i ran to dumbledore and i'm like

'dumbledore, voldemort's in the fucking ---- aisle 23!!!! trying to fucking avada kedavra molly weasley!!'

and dumbledore pretended he didn't know what i was talking about while molly weasley was getting sLAUGHTERED. and he was like 'what?' so i just told him to follow me, and by the time we got there she was dead. and arthur found her and was obviously very upset. and he was like 'we have to get out of here' and i was like 'well no shit, 'cause voldemort's in the shop'

anyways, we ran into the car park but it was like a multi-story one, and the car was on the ceiling. turns out they didn't park the car properly so it had flown up to the ceiling while we were in the shop. and he was like 'shit we don't have time to get it down', so he started grabbing all his kids, like fred and george, and threw them up into the car, and ron was slipping everywhere but he did manage to get in finally

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was on a plane and we got the emergency alert that a war had started. but by that time we'd already set off. when we landed i found my friends and i just started crying. obviously. because we were now in a war

[one-time-i-dreamttt]

i was living in a cult in a shopping centre that had been abandoned. i was very popular. everyone loved me