drown me in coffee

21, minors dni

[onedaydear]

tw ed, minors dni - HIDE YOUR LIKES AND FOLLOWING OR I WILL BLOCK YOU

if you don’t want to see that stuff block and move on please i’m not trying to hurt anyone i just need somewhere to talk about this stuff. i talk about calories, my weight and other shit that could be triggering if you’re in recovery (which i fully support). DO NOT FOLLOW ME IF YOU’RE A HEALTHY WEIGHT LOSS BLOG!!

intro and stats below the cut.

to those in the same space, hi! call me sam. i’m 21, she/her, uni student (nearly graduated eek) and a bartender. undiagnosed binge/restrict cycler, been on edblr since i was 15 and have lost and gained weight over and over again in that time. i hate what i am but i hate the idea of never changing more.

i like writing, reading, my friends, fibre arts, and copious amounts of alcohol. i dislike my university, most men, fascists and driving lessons. if you’re a misogynist, homophobe, transphobe, racist, zionist or similar, get the fuck off my blog and either educate or drown yourself :)

currently trying to shed 7kg by my graduation date after 3 years of failing to lose weight at uni.

bmi: 23 :(

height: 5,3

hw: 60kg

lw: 50kg

cw: 58.1kg

gw1: 57kg

gw2: 55kg

gw3: 53kg - want to reach by 24.07

gw4: 50kg

ugw: 45kg

remaking my blog because of some irl stuff which led me to feel unsafe posting on my old account, which sucks as i’ve lost mutuals and friends i’ve known for years. honestly i'm still paranoid that people i know are watching me here, i don't want to jump ship again but it's becoming likely. that being said, if anyone who knows me irl comes across this i am begging you to leave it alone and forget you ever saw this.

[onedaydear]

suddenly having a lot of anxiety about my grades this year. i’ve tried not to think about them because if i did i would stress to the point where i considered seriously harming myself to the point where i’d have to take a break from the year. but i never told anyone that or anybody at the uni about my mental health in general so it won’t be considered in my grade. and if i graduate with a bad classification ill probably be fucked for a job or potential further study. fuck i spent so much energy just trying to coast so that i didn’t spiral and kill myself that i’ve probably ruined my life haha. fuckkkk

[onedaydear]

tracked everything today at least. hate myself but ig it’s a normal person intake not a binge. but that’s just an excuse really i know i need to change

[onedaydear]

way over my limit today.. har har… kill myself

[onedaydear]

i just cut my bangs but i’m cutting them again i want them gayer

[onedaydear]

not really 100% on board with moving home cause i won’t have a room for the first few months and even after i’ll be moving into my brother’s room and expected to give it up whenever he comes home again, and the whole loss of independence, but it’s far more attractive than living where i currently do. there’s nothing to do in my immediate vicinity, not really any nature i can get to without walking along a highway first, it’s very industrial and run down thanks to govt neglect. if i don’t want to walk for two hours along a main road where the air quality makes me feel ill then i have to get a bus to get to anywhere. idk i shouldn’t complain it’s just not really the kind of place i want to live in again

[onedaydear]

drinking black coffee in a cafe, and suddenly it tastes like the cappuccino foam i’d steal from my dad’s cup as a kid when we’d go to lunch after church

doing a whole lot of parent related nostalgia these days

[onedaydear]

guess who binged.. i feel fucking horrible. like a humanoid sack of vomit

better tomorrow. i fucking hope

[onedaydear]

having beef stew tonight cause i remembered my mom bought me a bunch of freezer meals and i'm moving out in 2 weeks and really don't want to waste them, they were expensive. the beef stew isn't too bad about 260 per serving, would be better with mash but that's too high c

[onedaydear]

i want to be skinny for the summer so fucking badly

[onedaydear]

friend and i ended up sharing a cake.. it was good but i feel horrible. idk i guess ill eat less tomorrow

[onedaydear]

tired

[onedaydear]

i feel so massive

[onedaydear]

felt like a bunch of snacks today.. not great tbh

breakfast - porridge with blueberries, 152

lunch - half a wrap with peanut butter and honey, 230

snacks - 2 brioche, 264, gherkins, 10, pretzels, 86, chilli paste, 25

then planning to have popcorn tonight with a friend, idk if she’s bringing snacks i hope not. assuming i eat 1/4 of the popcorn that’s 110

so day total of 877

feel bad. i’ll go on a long walk before meeting up with her.

[onedaydear]

might have a nap later

[onedaydear]

weigh in

57.4kg

yessssss!!!! getting back within a safer zone, it’s still too heavy but once i maintain under 56 i’ll feel a lot more relaxed if the wl rate slows down

[onedaydear]

feeling drained, meant to go to the gym but walking upstairs for coffee made me tired

maybe i’ll just go on a walk idk