drown me in coffee

21, minors dni

[onedaydear]

tw ed, minors dni - HIDE YOUR LIKES AND FOLLOWING OR I WILL BLOCK YOU

if you don’t want to see that stuff block and move on please i’m not trying to hurt anyone i just need somewhere to talk about this stuff. i talk about calories, my weight and other shit that could be triggering if you’re in recovery (which i fully support).

intro and stats below the cut.

hi! i’m sam, 21, she/her, currently unemployed graduate woo. undiagnosed binge/restrict cycler, been on edblr since i was 15 and have lost and gained weight over and over again in that time. i hate what i am but i hate the idea of never changing more.

i like writing, reading, my friends, fibre arts, and alcohol. i dislike myself, most men, fascists and the job market. if you’re a misogynist, homophobe, transphobe, racist, zionist or similar, get the fuck off my blog :)

currently trying to reset my diet so i stop binging

bmi: 23 :(

height: 5,3

hw: 60kg

lw: 50kg

cw: 57.4kg

gw1: 57kg

gw2: 55kg

gw3: 53kg - want to reach by 24.07

gw4: 50kg

ugw: 45kg

remaking my blog because of some irl stuff which led me to feel unsafe posting on my old account, which sucks as i’ve lost mutuals and friends i’ve known for years. honestly i'm still paranoid that people i know are watching me here, i don't want to jump ship again but it's becoming likely. that being said, if anyone who knows me irl comes across this i am begging you to leave it alone and forget you ever saw this.

[onedaydear]

i have not one but TWO interviews set for next week at actually good companies holy moly

[onedaydear]

graduation tomorrow eek

[onedaydear]

i might be a very selfish person but when i’m like 30 i don’t want to be sharing a house that another person has input on when it comes to decoration and style, i want to be in control of it and i don’t want to have to compromise. feels shitty and vain but i just don’t. i also don’t want to be financially dependent on another person, if i can’t afford rent/a mortgage on my own then i want a smaller place, not to have half or more depend on another person who could cheat, leave or lose their income at any time. i dont want things done by committee. likely i am a horrible person and my boyfriend deserves better but the idea of living with another person in my own space, but for it to never actually be fully mine, is unappealing to me.

[onedaydear]

hell yeah little buddy

[onedaydear]

haven’t been able to weigh or check in here much cause boyfriend has been with me the last few days, but i’ve eaten better than i usually do around him (normally i just eat whatever he eats but ive been better about prepping my own separate food recently) and i feel less bloated. idk graduation is on friday, still unsure whether i will take two dresses in case the first one ends up being too tight

[onedaydear]

fine food wise today i guess

[onedaydear]

had a mostly decent day

walk in the woods

[onedaydear]

sorry if i’m whiny on this blog lol. i feel terrible expressing this stuff irl, swear im not this annoying in person

[onedaydear]

i’m so unbelievably self centred. i want to move away from everyone again even if i know it won’t solve anything, i just can’t be around people all the time. it’s been like 5 weeks and i’m done already. terrible friend daughter and girlfriend

[onedaydear]

graduating on friday i should be happy. instead im crying my eyes out multiple times a day and hiding from everyone. if another person asks me how i am ill burst into tears again. not making plans with a childhood friend because i know i wont make it through without sobbing at her.

[onedaydear]

sick of it all, especially myself

[onedaydear]

going to the gym. had i think 350c today so far - two eggs, rice crackers, beef jerky. disgusted by myself, my legs are fucking gigantic and wobbly

[onedaydear]

pls long sleeve weather come back im so warm and my legs and arms are so fat

[onedaydear]

ok for the next week focusing on debloating. gonna hydrate a bunch, go to the gym as much as i can, and stop eating bread/rice/other carbs. focusing on protein, fruits and vegetables. have failed miserably at my goal to lose weight before my graduation but i can at least do damage control. unhelpful im on my period but should end before the actual day

[onedaydear]

having a good evening out with friends! had a chicken wrap, 335 and ice lolly, 117, then some drinks. might have food when i get home, we’ll see

[onedaydear]

had cheese on toast, some beef jerky and two cherries so far today. hanging with friends, not sure what we’ll do but likely will eat/drink something. trying to avoid anything that’s straight up sugar or fryer oil