What Are We Gonna Do With All This Future?

To the moon and never back

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

I guess the problem is I wish I could see more of you. Have more of you, only you. I want to see you under the refrigerator light at 1 am, during breakfast with my grandparents, during a rain storm, all wet and cold. I want to see you sleeping on the couch, and that all feels so foreign

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

I don’t know at what point I stopped crying, but it does worry me a lot.

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

I think whenever I meet someone new and it becomes clear that it won’t be the two of us, the universe is spiraling against it, it hits me wow this is so sad. In another lie you would’ve been exactly what j needed. If I wasn’t always so ready to leave in this one. If I hadn’t been so plagued by the before, making it impossible to fit you into my after. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be okay with all of this ending. Somtjmes j get the urge to ask old people “ how do you do it?, how did you survive saying goodbye over and over again?” Life becoming a big act of goodbyes. I think I was born with my heart outside of my body. How does one like that survive?

Am I just miserable at home? Is that why I hate saying goodbye? Never miss home once I’ve left? What do other people have that I don’t? What have they found?

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

Need to feel the sun against my skin as I’m laying on a trampoline again

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

I keep searching for something more.

Have you ever met someone and felt an instant connection? Almost as if you already know each other, even though it is very clear that you don’t, you did not grow up next to each other.

You don’t know my dad’s name or what my favorite color used to be. You don’t know what happened in 2014 and all the reasons why I don’t let people in. You don’t know the name of my first pet or all of the places I’ve lived. But I feel like I know you, even though all of this. When we first met you looked at me with such familiarity, I’ve had a hard time standing straight ever since. I keep searching for a similar feeling, and I can’t find it. I’ve been everywhere, it’s not to be found. Because I did find it. Once. That one warm summer night in August. Have you ever had someone look at you with warmth and softness in their eyes? It’s not supposed to happen when you don’t know each other. There is not supposed to be a softness, not in that way.

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

I go through the motions of thinking I hate him and knowing I’ll always love him

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

You watered me in your voice

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

But when I think about dying

That I’ll be gone one day,

That this is all there is,

I think of you, and how it has to be you and me.

It has to be

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

And then, on a normal Wednesday afternoon, it hits you

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

And when it’s late at night and everything gets really quiet, I hope you know you’re gonna be fine.

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

Ibland kommer du till mig om natten, i drömmar långt bort härifrån. I en annan dimension är du fortfarande bredvid henne när hon vaknar. I ett annat liv händer aldrig det där som tog dig ifrån oss. I ett annat liv får du uppleva allt det vackra som hänt sedan du dog, för evigt. Pappa blir aldrig sådär skadad som man bara blir av ett liv fyllt av sorg.

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

The weight of heritage, the unanswered questions. The silence that always said more than any words ever could. The photograph on my fridge and the understanding that some things don’t have happy endings.

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

It would’ve been like that for you too, you know? If you had cousins or somebody else to visit.

A home is only a home if somebody is there to welcome you back

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

You’re still on my fridge

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

The sun, the moon and all of the things I kept under lock and key to survive

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

Summer is you

[onenightshetookthemidnighttrain]

Som den första vårdagen efter en lång, tung vinter. Den första dagen efter en vecka av feber, du vet när det känns som att all jordens tyngd lyfts från axlarna och man plötsligt minns hur det känns att inte ligga i mörkret och vända och vrida sig efter svar. Svar på något som inte finns. Jag är här, trots allt. Trots alla men. En del av mig vill härifrån, långt bort, aldrig vända tillbaka. Något annat håller mig kvar.