26, Dead and Dying.A little pain never hurt anyone

To see the world in a grain of sand, and to see heaven in a wild flower, hold infinity in the palm of your hands, and eternity in an hour.

[leonardcohenofficial]

genuinely insanity evoking

[onetoughmuff]

💔 4ever

[quotemadness]

“I only need one good friend to see me through. Most people aren’t like that. Most people are always looking out for more people to know.”

— Carol Rifka Brunt

[thegoodvybe]

“Psychology claims that if two past lovers can remain just friends, it’s either they are still in love, or never were.”

— unknown (via thegoodvybe)

[thegoodvybe]

“People tell you all these romantic things. You know, ‘I’ll always be there for you.’ ‘I’ll walk the earth for you.’ Whatever. But then you need a ride home from work or someone to talk to on a Tuesday night and they’re too busy. I don’t want anyone to walk the earth for me. Not unless I can come too.”

— MIKEL JOLLETT (via thegoodvybe)

[onetoughmuff]

Endless party blues

Times are strange and I’m out of touch.

I find myself alone at every party now although I go with so many others.

They come up to me and ask me “what I’ve been up to? How I am.? Where you are.”

Always girls.

I make it obvious that I’m not interested in their small talk.

It feels like pity to me.

I stumble back to the fire alone and sit as the embers float and dance in the air and land on my boots and pants.

I stare off into the endless night and stars the moon hovers over the green hills.

I think.

I dream.

I sulk.

I wonder where you are.

Then it all becomes too much and I begin to start sweating from the anxiety.

I feel stuck, so stuck I ask a stranger if they can get me a beer.

He must of thought I was being a lazy prick but I couldn’t feel my legs.

I felt paralyzed with the thought of you.

I turn to the side and do some bumps of blow and chug a beer and take a couple shots of tequila to help pull myself out of this sour mood.

I walk inside, all the girls are dancing.

Everyones having a good time. I try not to make eye contact with anyone and if by some horrible reason I do lock eyes with anyone a force a smile.

I use to be a lot of fun.

I use to be one to dance with these drunken baffoons.

Now im awkwardly standing against the wall.

I find this other sorry sap who looks older and a little rough around the edges. So naturally I sit down by him I over heard him talking about being in A.A.

I talk to him and he tells me his situation.

He says he has a wife and two kids.

He’s in his late thirties but here with all us degenerates.

I ask him why he’s not at home with his wife and kids.

He tells me he likes to party still and I annoyingly ask for what reason.

Its not fun anymore.

I tell him like some old bastard who thinks they know it all tells a young kid.

“You have a wife who loves you very much and two kids. This isn’t worth it as much as you’ve come to think and when she leaves you which she eventually will, you’ll regret it all and remember this conversation.”

He looks up at me like he’s about to tell me to fuck right off.

He opens his mouth but stops and lowers his eyebrows.

Then he frowns.

Now it looks like he’s about to cry.

He then tells me, “you’re right, you’re fucking right man.”

I know I am.

That’s the problem.

Its nearly six a.m. and this is about the time people go to sleep or start finding there borrowed genitals for the night and I see it happening all around me.

I tell my friend I’ll be right back but I know I wouldn’t I just didn’t want to have to go through all the half assed goodbyes to everyone. I take two beers from the ice chest and sit in my car and wonder why I even came here at all.

[storyop1]

[quotemadness]

“If we wait until we’re ready, we’ll be waiting for the rest of our lives.”

— Lemony Snicket

[onetoughmuff]

Letters from purgatory

Lately I’ve been alone more often than usual.

Which is something I’ve always been fearful of.

Not in the way you’re probably thinking.

I’m fearful of it because I’m left alone with nothing but my thoughts.

Which leads to deep introspection, which in turn leads me to wrestling with thoughts I never wanted to think about.

Mostly everything I’ve been running away from, with the help of relationships, casual sex, drugs, alcohol, and all other sorts of lovely vices.

I’ve always thought that no matter how manic and whatever bad choices I’ve made I at least always had one redeeming quality, which was what seemed like my everlasting love and my willingness to help out people with no thought of any type of reward.

But, now I’m thinking that everything I thought that was good about me was just all some subconscious form of manipulation tactic.

A way to justify my selfish behaviors by hiding under the guise that All I’ve done were pure selfless acts.

But then I don’t think that can be entirely true either.

I’m not sure if this thinking is beneficial to my psyche or more damaging.

I will admit that overall I’ve felt somewhat better these days.

I’m more able to rebuke certain intrusive thoughts and that helps me not fall into a well of despair.

You’re still ever present in my mind from when I wake up until I go to sleep.

Well sometimes you’re in my dreams too.

I’m torn in my thinking, I’m at a crossroads.

I don’t know if it’s that I don’t know how to let you go or if it’s that I don’t want to.

I don’t know if I’m mad for having a sliver of hope still and if that is what helps me not feel so sad or is that I’ve sort of accepted things and I’m just open to the thought of you being around again at some point.

I’d like to think I’ll be ok but I’m worried running into you downtown, I don’t want to feel my stomach sink if I see you with someone else.

That alone tells me I’m still not over all of this.

It’s also hard not knowing what you’re thinking and what you have been up to not that I have the privilege of knowing such things anymore but either way I’m scared of knowing the answer.

I’m trying to be as honest as possible these days.

I thought things would get better but I had too much expectations and didn’t want to accept that my position was simply due to the consequences of my own actions.

It hurts a lot to always hear that I “could” be the perfect partner.

Always held back by the same things.

Has this been all of my fault? I don’t know.

People say it’s not fair to take all the blame but I do.

I’m not going to go over a list of things I thought you could have done better or things that you’ve done that hurt me deeply.

I mostly just think of the beautiful times we’ve had and don’t feel much like crying but it gets me smiling and then that makes me sad.

I promised the world but when it came down to it I buckled by the weight of my own issues and paranoid delusions that you were slowly slipping from me and your love for me was diminishing with each day.

The connection I’ve had to privilege of sharing with you was the most beautiful yet frightening thing I’ve ever shared with anyone.

I’m afraid.

Afraid of the fact that connections like that only come once in a lifetime.

I’m afraid that if that is true and this was my chance and I’ve ruined it I’ll be haunted until the end of my days by this outcome.

But then you were with someone for nearly 8 years or something I can’t remember but that ended.

I was in love with a girl and we lived together not nearly as long as you and your past relationship but still.

Those relationships both ended and with little to no time after those ended we met and fell in love faster than I ever have in my life.

Some how it just felt so right even though I’m sure everyone looking at it from the outside thought we were crazy.

No ones opinions mattered to us because we were happy.

I’ve never met anyone who could make me laugh and feel so loved at times but then also make me feel so alone at other times.

I don’t know if my want to spend every waking day with you in m life is real anymore or just desperation.

I’d like to believe it is my true unbridled love for you.

I can have worries and fears of abandonment which Im usually able to keep at bay and I might drive myself crazy but I can usually calm myself down and then I’ll talk to you later and find out I was worrying for no damn reason at all.

What happens that puts us in this position is that when I’m feeling this way I’m embarrassed and feel shame and I don’t want to tell you I’m feeling this way because I become afraid you’ll think I’m too much work.

So then sometimes I become overwhelmed and I drink and I feel okay for a little until I start to think more and then get sad and more worried and become unhinged.

So it’s ironic really.

I’m afraid to tell you things because I think you will leave me so instead I do things that make it so anyway.

Self fulfilling prophecies have been the bane of my existence.

I didn’t mean to write this much and if you’re reading it I hope it wasn’t too long and I hope with these ramblings you can better understand me more and be aware of why I’ve done the things I’ve done.

It was never to be hurtful or cruel to you.

Maybe there will be a day where I’m healthy and a normal person and we run into each other randomly on the street or in a coffee shop and somehow are single and have love for each other and pick up where we left off.

Sounds crazy I know.

What will probably happen is either of us will be married or something like that but we will be happy for each other and for a second remember how much we loved each other and that sudden rush of nostalgia will over come us and then we go back to our own homes and get dinner ready for the kids and carry on with our own lives.

If you read all of this thank you.

I don’t think I have to say I love you anymore because I know you know that I do.

I don’t know if I’m wasting my time hoping for my phone to ring by you.

I don’t know if you read my texts anymore.

I don’t know really much of anything these days but somehow I feel that’s okay and liberating in some way.

I’m sure you’ll reach out at some point for either two reasons.

1. To tell me to kindly fuck off and to move on because you have and or are.(this is the most realistic)

2. To talk to me because you miss me and would like to talk a little. ( I hope it’s this one)

Either way I guess both are beneficial in their own unique ways.

Hope you’re well and don’t be afraid to talk to me.

Warm regards,

-J. Ryan.

[ophelia-network]

Human character is smaller now, people don’t have durable passions; they’ve replaced passions with excitement. - Saul Bellow 

The Passage by Henri-Pierre Picou

[onetoughmuff]

I took a walk to our spot down the street by my house.

I sat on the ground and let the sand pour through my hands.

I looked up to the moon that was still visible and the sun was at my back in a pink cherry subset.

I thought of you in your room snuggled up in your blankets and in your grey sweats.

I wonder if you’re thinking of me like I’m thinking of you.

I’ve decided to make weekly trips to this spot and reflect upon our good times together.

I can almost feel your presence next to me at times and I feel a warn sensation all along my body.

What I’d give to have you next to me right now.

[freshmoviequotes]

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

[love]

via deviantart

[selena-soto]

[hittings]

[perrfectly]

[onetoughmuff]

I fear this is the end of us.

I understand you have to free yourself from me.

I too will move on I have no choice.

I won’t forget you and you’ll always be dear to me.

I know this hasn’t been easy for you either.

I’m sorry for the pain and heartache I’ve caused I never intended to hurt you.

I hope at some point these memories of you will fade and I hope you find another that will love you and appreciate you for all you are worth.

I hope we can be friends one day it hurts losing my best friend but that’s life I guess.

If you ever need me I’ll always be here for you no matter what.

I harbor no ill will against you darling.

You’ll always be my number 1.

I’ll miss your smile and your laugh.

I’ll miss you little hot Cheeto fingers and your little dance you do when you finally eat.

I’ll miss your lips and and tender skin.

But most of all I’ll miss how you did love me once upon a time.

Farewell my love until we meet again.

Love forever and always your Jacob.