PREVIOUSLY on Ongo Bongo

[spiderweb-bf]

I don't think I could be trusted with shapeshifting powers bc I would just turn into a bear and attack things with my claws at any minor inconvenience. it would be my go-to solution for everything

[awkwordalex]

[paeonia-green]

Gone.

[kcrossvine-art]

in me hole beep beep

[ongobongo]

[ongobongo]

Test

[someemochick]

[ongobongo]

Session 120: The Hole

Previously on Ongo Bongo

fog monster failure

squirrel attack

we're in a hole

LEEEET'S GO, ONGO BONGO~~!

We find the symbol of Piek on the walls, and a grumbly squirrel who says we need to hurry because whatever we don't want goes in the pile. Odh cleans off the mural. It's just the Piek symbol again. The squirrel says we can go in. Kaa asks why there's debris being tossed down, and why they got tossed down too. Gets told she answered her own question, decides to log a complaint with management.

Kaa gives squirrel an existential crisis, learns he's basically been working forever. He mentions something vague about how there used to be a village.

Side room, new murals! First: Several gods, Delal, Skellal, Piek (a very skinny squirrel, skeletal, with tiny body and huge tail, serving drinks to other gods.)

Pony says not like that fucker up there, but I need everyone to see him again.

Next mural! end of the party. food/drink gone, gods upset and yelling, and there's a hunched, shadowy figure in the distance being cast out. Piek is still visible, and is trying to get the shadowy figure to come back. Angry gods are Craig, Delal, Kallero.

Kaa rips back some vines and finds a "trash chute."

We head out and check the other shitty door. Two more murals! First: Piek deep in the woods, in the back is his home/hearth/party, running after the person being cast out. Person being cast out has kind of a black scaled serpentine head, green eyes with vertical slit.

Second: Piek standing food on the ground, pinkish glow, cat with the crystal, holding it out. It's not embedded in the flesh, at least. We debate the likelihood of the nightmare god being able to shapeshift.

Kaa finds a second "trash chute."

We head into the temple proper after Odh opens the magically paper-light heavy door. We go in, the door closes, everything goes dark. Except, our eyes are closed. We open them, and are in a forest.

There's a cabin in the woods, and it smells like good food. Kaa is immediately paranoid. We debate who is going to knock.

We get creepily invited in. After a lot of grimacing, Odh steps in. We find a figure: pitch black squirrel, about the size of Odh. Eyes are completely black. And it's glitchy!

Creepy squirrel is trying to be hospitable. Kaa tries introductions. Nightmare squirrel doesn't remember his name. His name is now Shadow.

Odh and Saabi eat and drink and get some healing. Kaa refuses on behalf of her and Baby because this squirrel is fucking creepy.

We get asked why we're here. Odh tanks this one. Shadow says he's not sure he's a god, and asks if we're here for "these" and drops down three dice. They're clearly an artifact. Odh says we might be here for these, and Shadow gets a lil mad.

Kaa reminds Shadow we did come to help, Shadow says he doesn't need any.

Due southwest there's a squirrel who Shadow calls "nuts."

We end up getting leashed into a game to win the dice. We have to go collect some pieces and come back and play the game, but we need capable fighters. Here, my sound cuts out, and so notes are gonna go away in favor of typing in Roll20.

[cosmonautroger]

[ongobongo]

Session 119: Squirreled Away

Previously on Ongo Bongo

grung and sacred skymaterial

new weapon for Odh!

FOG MONSTER FOG MONSTER FOG MO--

We start in combat, yaaaaay. I look at the chat screen and see this, from Last Session Me:

I'm sure this meant something to me two weeks ago----oooooh, I remember!

I get told to remember that the druid wants to talk to the ranger. We start the battle with the fog monster running directly towards us and attacking.

THE FOG MONSTER EATS ODH AND RUNS AWAY.

Saabi when he falls into the bog.

The beast after Kaa crit on its ass. It fought back with a donkey kick.

AND THEN IT STARTS HEALING AND WE HAVEN'T EVEN BLOODIED IT. SO:

Pass without trace while it regens. We have to dig some shards out of us. Sooooo fog monster has a corruption crystal AND the gross shards.

We sneak off, get followed by some small things, and then find a place to make camp and rest. Odh discovers that we are being followed by splotchy squirrels.

Odh and the squirrels get into a fight over Saabi's sword and the boots Kaa now magically has. Boot gets stolen.

Kaa, you wake up. There's two squirrels trying to take your crossbow." "NO THEY'RE FUCKING NOT BECAUSE I STOP THEM."

Odh falls in a hole. Saabi and Kaa check to see what's missing in the camp. Kaa nat 1s. Camp's haunted. She also falls in the hole.

Saabi and Baby all end up in the hole, and the squirrels chuck the rest of the camp in them.

And now we're in a hole! NEXT TIME ON ONGO BONGO:

we're in a hole

[ongobongo]

Session 118: The Mary Sue

Previously on Ongo Bongo:

We get accosted by the spirit of christmas, beat Jard to death with his own arm(s)

We wake to cookies, chocolate, and money from Jibjab. Immediately, we all decide to read Lasko's diary. The fucking thing is a combination lock. We decide not to cut it open brute force. Then we change our minds when we remember the assembly jar.

LASKO WROTE A SELF-FANFIC. There's sword-fights, there's deals, there's a harem Bartering for Love Fantastic Deals and Where to Find Them: My Pants We find the code to Lasko's fucking excuse of a shop. "The least-picked number is 2, 6, last even number before the highest number."

"Does Jib-Jab have a ledger?" "There is one way to find out!" "Ask?" "There are two ways to find out." For one brief moment, Kaa likes him. It fades quickly. The inn looks great! Kaa talks to the guards, Odh get some cooking lessons. Saabi and Kaa get sucked into a dice game.

Kaa loses, Saabi wins. Odh gets a new cleaver and some food! We head out! We decide to try to teleport to Llorp's temple and then head to the one that ISN'T the nightmare.

Pony gets Saabi to make chicken noises. Sadly, it doesn't fool the Duke.

We start the trip to the other temple, and during watch overnight, we see something fall from the sky. We decide to check it out in the morning, and end up heading for a grung village.

We get shot at again, of course. And then we have to disarm ourselves. It takes a while.

But then we explain we're looking for whatever fell out of the sky. Long story, short, it's magical, they can't use it for religious reasons, we can. Odh gets a new staff! Can't wait to find out what it does, since she used polymorph to infuse it.

We're getting closer to the temple, but unfortunately we run into The Fog Monster. This time we get close enough to see him, because we fail at running away.

He's corrupted, because of course he is.

Wren and Rae the entire session.

NEXT TIME ON ONGO BONGO:

combat!

temple!

fuck.

[squeakitties]

the human eye has evolved to be able to detect more shades of green than any other color! that's because there are so many fucking leafs

[ongobongo]

Session 116: The Spatulation

Previously on Ongo Bongo:

I have no memory of this place

Trek's temple

CAMEMBERT Jambert is adopted

something something magic items, jar of feet

run from the duke

We wake to the smell of burning eggs. Jib-Jab is cooking, his spatula is missing.

Odh tries to find the spatula and does not succeed. Kaa rolls a 24 on a spatula check. (Survival.) There is no sign of it.

JibJab and Kaa fight about whether or not we stole the spatula. ("Why are you lying to me! YOU TOLD ME TO" redux.) He moves on to Odh quickly.

JibJab refuses to serve us breakfast until we find his spatula. "So for the sake of the notes, let me get this straight: are we milking the bumblefuzzes?" *Rae dies.* "No, we're scraping honey off the wall." And then milking the bumblefuzzes.

Saabi: "Kaa trying to figure out what the fuck is buried in our basement." (We didn't figure it out.)

We discuss building a room for the pets, and using the Croissant and/or Camembert to clean up all the fucking honey in the bedroom. Saabi tries to get JibJab to build it based on the schematics in his magic book. It gets put in the queue.

Next on the docket: potentially becoming JibJab's employees. Saabi becomes an indentured servant yet again.

"Scarlett after the whale incident:"

Nat 20 on a "Are Scarlett and Buddy fucking" check. LOVE WINS. Kaa no longer feels the need to play matchmaker, which means everyone wins.

Scarlett is missing her mace, Lasko is missing his diary, Estalion is missing his net, Henry is missing his cleaver, Artist's rendition of Estalion, probably.

Lasko writing in his diary.

Estalion's missing net.

Jaeth and his fucking rocks. Kaa is now covered in Jaeth Musk.

We all take a bath at the wells, amazing! Jaeth:

Jaeth admits that he thinks someone was watching him sleep.

Kaa learns that Xivan has about 8BPM heartrate. "Well, he's not dead, but he ain't right!" "I was looking for this for a while but as soon as Jaeth said "that's the vibe I got" I thought of this video:"

this is a whole mood. #fypシ #foryoupage #vibe #stop #hrhcollection #hrh

"That's just Kaa @ Jaeth currently."

Xivan remains insufferable. We test the DM's ability to monologue without interruption.

"XIVAN!" "Yeeeees?" "I need to ask the DM a question!" "Shut the fuck up Xivan, we need to talk to the DM!"

We definitely are not racially profiling kobolds this entire session. The storehouse door looks like it's been wiped clean, and there are scratches on it. We go home to check and see what's missing. Kaa is missing her bones, Odh's missing Duchess's cloak, Saabi is missing the pebble he got from JibJab. There are scratches on our window on both sides.

We decide to do construction work with JibJab until dark, then keep watch for the thief. Kaa rolls well on her strength check, clearly Jaeth's rocks are working. Saabi restores the entire inn. We blast through nine work orders total. Saabi pays to work. Pony channels some professional rage via JibJab.

We look for the thief, no dice. Well, bad dice. Odh nat 2s, Kaa Nat 1s. Town's haunted.

We wake up and more shit is missing! Druid stone, bar of soap, tinderbox. We prepare our spells and head for the wall. We meet Bar, who is missing a brass ring, but has not seen anything weird. WE locate object, it's in Haventide. Immediately, the kobolds are blamed. "I WANNA GO IN THE HOLE," yet again. "Holes, man." - My brain. (What the fuck?) We go in the hole. There is a spiral staircase now instead of a pit. The kobolds are there. Tagi can now make fire. We make our way to the kobold mushroom farm. There is a dark corner with a shape moving in it. There is a pile of objects. IT'S FUCKING SAL. And three eggs! "How many people know that we have a salamander in our basement, tho?" Pony, with feeling: "*Most." We take back the sentimental items and let Sal have stuff that smells like us but isn't needed. Kaa does not return Jaeth's rock. WE DID IT. \o/ NEXT TIME ON ONGO BONGO: read Lasko's diary!

[vympr]

*lotions you* *lotions you* *lotions you* *lotions you* *lotions you* *lotions you*

[anneemay]

[ongobongo]

Session 113: THERE'S A HANDBOOK???

Previously on Ongo Bongo:

Kobold/goblin/wolvering Saw trap

Morally ambiguous snails

Trekking to Trek, becoming small

We start out in the Equipment Room. We must complete at least one merit. Final eval based on number of merits completed.

Jambert is telling us about what he's heard about the Merit system.

Odh: pickaxe Kaa: shovel Jambert: hammer/chisel hand pickaxe and file Saabi: Hammer!

We are group 1328. We can only attempt a merit station once by themselves. Ending criteria are result of which merits we pass. If we have no relevant skillsets, we will be DISCARDED.

We found the cleaning room, the digging room, the building room, and the self-disposal room.

Saabi decides to build! We get to go to the balcony and heckle assist.

Saabi gets to work building a wall!

The bureaucrat tests Saabi's creation. Roof boulders, water flooding, and then some bolts!

Saabi passes! "Guys, I'm adequate!"

Odh begins digging. She offers over a young grub, some metal, finds some petrified poop, then offers over a tree root. She gets points docked for originality.

Still, she passes.

Gnosh is SO DONE. And we're all laughing too hard to function.

Kaa becomes a janitorial intern. Merit minus!

Jambert decides to try diplomacy. It fails the first one. It fails the second one. It poorly passes the third.

Jambert is not qualified. Ah well.

[ongobongo]

Session 112: EXPLOTION POTION

Previously on Ongo Bongo

Goblin tug o war

Turtle tournament/torture/orgy

run for the trees

We wake to a turtle yelling "HEEEY, WAIT FOR MEEEE." It's one of the turtles, and it is trying to "help us catch the dinner." We end up tying it to the tree because others are coming and we want to get out of there. It falls asleep. It will be fine.

We here some fighting/struggling and decide to sneak up. We average about a 12.

Saabi messages the thing hanging in the pit to see if it's okay. Kaa can't suggest this without laughing because the answer is obvious.

This is some Saw-level shit, but we can't find who set it up.

We half-expect a goblin to roll up like this and trap us, too.

We approach, with a plan to save them both in mind. It automatically does not work. There's a lot of yelling, but we DO save them both. Something something witch's curse, which doesn't seem like it kicked in.

Then we try to save the wolverines. It involves a log and some illusory treats.

Suddenly we hear a bell, and we decide to hide yet again. Baby saves Odh from hitting a stick and then ghosts.

It's a massive snail with glowing eyes. Followed by a smaller snail "the size of a football, like everything in this universe is."

Kaa ding-dings at the snail and they don't seem to like that. We try to decide what to do while it tries to find us.

They are an alchemical shop, but the big dad snail seems a little anti-healing and pro death. The 81 siblings really like the BOOM BOOM.

Odh gets some distraction potions, Kaa gets a BOOM BOOM potion and something delicious. Saabi gets some quiet potion. We get some antigrapple stuff, and there were a LOT of flash sales.

At the end of the day, we get to the vicinity of Trek's temple. Of course it's mounds and likely also holes. Our group:

We get off-topic about Kaa finding Lasco in the jungle and:

We discover that there are bugs, and they are all heading inward carrying kind of building materials. We follow them.

Kaa makes a mental note not to eat them.

We walk through the soft earth.

Odh: "Kaa, do you still have that lucky rock?" Kaa: "...I have more rocks than I should probably admit to, what are you looking for?" It becomes clear that we are getting smaller, thanks to an Arcana check from Odh. We are all very uncomfortable.

We find an entrance! We get in the line to get in.

Half an hour later, we find the person in charge of us going in. Kaa deposits two rocks, Odh deposits a crystal from Buddy. Saabi gives us jewelry. Kaa pays for baby with a deep iron bar, and gnosh tosses the bug behind him into the hole. Odh discovers she can lift massive rocks.

We all admit we're first-timers and get put in orientation. We're stuck with a sickly bug named Jambert. We get handed "merit sheets."

WE proceed into the EQUIPMENT ROOM!

[ongobongo]

Session 111: Gnosh Walkies

Previously on Ongo Bongo

We head for Delal again so we can Trek

Gnosh comes along

Bad touch

LORE UNLOCKED

We start out heading for Trek's temple and immediately run into some goblins squabbling over a bag.

We try and sneak up on the goblins.

Kaa alerts them to our presence with her foot and a stick. So sneaky.

Saabi decides to participate in the tug of war over what's "MINE." Half-Tooth the goblin wanted his help. He goes flying because the goblins Nat 20.

Gnosh goes next. He gets to play with a toy on his walkies! He manages to tear the bag.

Kaa shoots the bag. A lot of coins and a metal cylinder falls out. The goblins all go for the cylinder as a huge variety of coins goes flying.

Odh Nat 20s and gets a handful of coins and the metal cylinder. The goblins, some of them, attack.

Gnosh Nat 20s a goblin to eeby deeby and Odh takes off. Kaa runs for the money.

The rest of the goblins scatter. Half-Tooth does pay Saabi, though.

The cylinder turns out to be a blast one for Saabi's longsweird.

Half-Tooth starts following us. Saabi tries to make it go away using message and pretending to be Bighead. Some Nat 20s on deception help.

Eventually, we lose him. Then, we smell delicious food and then immediately decide it's an Ogren based on smell.

[ongobongo]

Kaa Nat 1s on the approach.

It's not Ogren. It's 60 turtles. Kaa falls into the middle of them. She gets asked to wait, Odh joins the circle. Saabi joins, Gnosh fucks off. Baby gets told to wait.

There's a tournament. Versus their strongest and best warriors.

Odh does the test of strength! The turtles are convinced of their chance at victory. She clears the route in 30 seconds. The last one takes 25 minutes because it had to dig outta some sand.

"I'm gonna do some speed." --Kaa, then me going WAIT NO.

Kaa does the test of speed. They keep handing her some lucky rocks. She takes one, not 59. It was a contestant's girlfriend's rock.

AND WE'RE OFF. Kaa walks ten feet. Kaa walks ten more feet.

Ten minutes later, the others finish.

Next up is the test of MIGHT. Saabi gets it by default. Saabi starts at the finals because of more lucky rock shenanigans.

We definitely overestimate just how brutal Saabi wanted to be.

Gnosh decides to spent the evening "not watching turtles."

We head into the cave for the night, which is kinda laid out like a little lounge? We get white glow crystals for winning. And food.

Saabi discovers the Ogren tied up in the back, waiting to be eaten alive. He begins desperately stalling.

He ONGO BONGOS for backup. He's too far away. He sneakily starts trying to cut the Ogren loose. The Ogren starts breaking loose. The turtles think Saabi missed.

The turtles think he has terrible aim.

Ogren gets loose! We all charge out of the turtle orgy/blood feast. Gnosh tackles the Ogren after Kaa starts seeing ghosts again.

Tarr says he'll pass along that Bigscale is kind and generous. His tribe is inland. "Look for the three trees. The form an arrow."

And then Kaa Nat 20s and we sleep in the trees.

[ongobongo]

Session 111: Gnosh Walkies

Previously on Ongo Bongo

We head for Delal again so we can Trek

Gnosh comes along

Bad touch

LORE UNLOCKED

We start out heading for Trek's temple and immediately run into some goblins squabbling over a bag.

We try and sneak up on the goblins.

Kaa alerts them to our presence with her foot and a stick. So sneaky.

Saabi decides to participate in the tug of war over what's "MINE." Half-Tooth the goblin wanted his help. He goes flying because the goblins Nat 20.

Gnosh goes next. He gets to play with a toy on his walkies! He manages to tear the bag.

Kaa shoots the bag. A lot of coins and a metal cylinder falls out. The goblins all go for the cylinder as a huge variety of coins goes flying.

Odh Nat 20s and gets a handful of coins and the metal cylinder. The goblins, some of them, attack.

Gnosh Nat 20s a goblin to eeby deeby and Odh takes off. Kaa runs for the money.

The rest of the goblins scatter. Half-Tooth does pay Saabi, though.

The cylinder turns out to be a blast one for Saabi's longsweird.

Half-Tooth starts following us. Saabi tries to make it go away using message and pretending to be Bighead. Some Nat 20s on deception help.

Eventually, we lose him. Then, we smell delicious food and then immediately decide it's an Ogren based on smell.

[ongobongo]

Session 110: It's Great to Conversate

Previously on Ongo Bongo:

Delal death

Saabi's deep freeze

Odh making a deal with the Devillal

We start the session well aware that it's ass'o'clock in the morning, but also aware we need to do stuff. Like, a lot of stuff. We start off trying to find JibJab, and instead find Lance Corporal Snitch.

(Also: Steel chalice has been around ~200 years, more power lately!)

It's not a productive conversation. She is asking if anything weird's going on, and we're all going "nope! Haha." Jibjab is not there, we flee asap.

Then we're waylaid by Lasco. Kaa immediately begins fantasizing about murder as Odh turns in, and then upgrades, her battle pass. (Thanks, Nat 1). Saabi helps. Kaa suddenly has no money.

Al: "Kaa every time we see this MFer."

Lasco staring at our coinpurses:

We head off and see JibJab and Jaeth. As well as two guards who are totally not condescending at all. JibJab insists he didn't lock us out of the house, and tries to get us to work. We discover that he's probably getting regularly robbed, but is too pure to believe it.

Kaa then attempts to put her foot down with Jaeth about the whole rock thing.

Al: "Kaa- God I hate Lasco. Jaeth- about to make her day worse:"

Turns out he paid JibJab to deliver the rock. It now sounds like he's got something worse in store for her later now that the Rock Phase of their relationship is over.

Little does he know, the Rock Phase is only intensifying on Kaa's side.

Kaa starts teakettling partway through the conversation with Lasco, and it only continues with Jaeth:

Odh and Saabi while Kaa desperately tries to get Jaeth to STOP TOUCHING HER:

It should be said that Lasco also touched Odh. The men of this island need to be hit with a spray bottle.

For a palate cleanser, we decide to head to Zevran Xivan Xevon Zavan Xavan. Yes, we're that desperate. (No, I still don't know how to spell his name.)

Kaa rolls a Nat 1 and discovers another ghost while everyone else focuses on how cute Bunny is.

We discover he totally knows we have a lot of the totems, and he asks to "hold" one. He also swears he can totally restore them. It should be noted that Kaa cannot hear Kallero when she's in his storehouse.

Some things we learn from an unusually frank conversation with the resident lich:

The Old Gods:

Kallero- Murder Redemption (INFIDELITIES~~!)

Craig- Ocean and Strength

Delal- Beauty and Pride

Skalel- Growth, Giving, Stealing

Trek- Terraforming

Llorp- Sneaky Subterfuge. Platonic intimacy

Piek- Homesteading and hospitality

Panther Goddess of Nightmares- He will not say her name

The original 6 who either fucked up the mountain or got fucked up by it:

Duke Jules,

Captain Pratic,

Leth of the Silver Forest, (DON'T SAY HIS NAME)

Salz Letoz, (Yard Sard)

Cairune Parthias, (Still swear this is Scarlett even though it's unlikely

Exalt Von Van Othole Tha’Vil the Majestic (Xavan) Xavan, when asked, says next time we see Yard Sard we should "ask him why he let her die." That'll go well. He also gives us a fancy rock that will likely help with teleportation. We collect Gnosh and head off to the teleporation circle, figure out how the fancy rock works, and decide to punt ourselves back to Delal so we can head for Trek. We don't tell Gnosh about the water landing, but hey, we traveled fast! Kaa makes Gnosh promise not to hurt Jard if there's a reunion. And then, brains melted, we end the session!

[ongobongo]

Session 108: EWWW! BUGS!

Previously on Ongo Bongo:

Bear hate

Saunas

Jorge

Trash and flesh ropes

Stuffed bucket lizard

Al's recap:

We meet Flappy Bird. He's from New York.

He wants us to respect him. He's also in debt to Delal because of the pink feathers. Odh tries to show him some time since he has no sense of time.

Kaa deceives him that he's pretty. He tells her to keep heads down and weapons ready. He also wants pink for his ass feathers.

We head in and find a big ole bug.

There's also a tick. Oko flexes a few times but I still don't think he's that cool, sorry Pony. :D

Oko according to Odh tho:

We drop one, the tick starts healing, then two more show up when Kaa moves.

Me:

Rae:

This is the worst concert ever.

Odh drops the tick bug. Saabi keeps maneuvering Kaa, which is appreciated.

Al and/or Saabi:

We're left with frost fucker and glue fucker. Glue fucker doesn't go down because Kaa misses and Baby does 4 damage. Kaa gets petrified. Wren sulks, and is also salty.