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August 24, 2017

To the boy with the green eyes,

Remember the last time we saw each other? In your little blue car…. We poured our hearts out to one another. We cried on each other’s shoulders. I confessed my love to you. You confessed your love to me. But you didn’t confess that this night was going to be your last. You stopped by to pick up your (very) late Christmas present. You knew how bad I had been, and asked what was wrong. We walked to your little blue car, put the windows down on that cold chilly moonlit night, and talked. I told you everything that was happening to me: My ex-boyfriend and his new guy. A friend that I thought I could trust. And a lover that broke my heart. I also told you I was in a very dark place. Do you remember what I said to you? I’m too ashamed to confess what I did to myself. Please don’t make me say it. I don’t want to see you cry again. Your beautiful emerald looking eyes don’t deserve to have tears in them. They need to keep sparkling and smiling.

After we cried together, I confessed my love to you. I didn’t expect you to say anything. I didn’t expect you to feel the same way. I just wanted you to listen. I remember looking into those dazzling green eyes, holding your hand, and telling you: “I know this sounds cheesy. And I know that it may not seem true. But this is the truth. I promise. I love you. I love you so much. And I want to let you know that I will always love you. No matter what. I don’t care if you’re with someone new. I don’t care if I’m with someone new. I don’t even care if I haven’t talked to you in months, or even years. I will always love you.” You didn’t say anything. You just nodded as tears fell down your cheek from your watery green eyes.

Then, I asked you what you wanted from me. You said: “I honestly don’t know. I don’t know what I want. I never know what the right choice is. I never know what the right thing to do is. I always hurt you. I don’t want to keep hurting you. We had a lot of fun. And that’s all I wanted at first. And that’s what happened. I liked you. I really did. A lot. Then things changed. I wanted to hang out with you every day and be with you every day. And we did that. I wanted to be closer to you. And we did that too. Then stuff happened, and I got scared. I don’t know. I was scared to be happy. I didn’t want to be in a relationship. I wasn’t prepared at all for how I felt about you. I didn’t know how to take it to the next level. I didn’t know how to be your boyfriend.”

These words still bring tears to my eyes. It’s as if we are star-crossed lovers; forever living different paths in our lives that don’t have any connection in the end, denying us of any chance of living a life together. But how can that be when we are existing at the same time? You’re alive. I’m alive. And I have never felt more alive with anyone else than when I’m with you. Just the way you look at me with those alluring eyes is what convinces me that you are in love with me too. So why aren’t we together? Why are you with someone else? Why are you with her? Is it because she can give you a family? Is it because you want to believe she’s the one for you? Not just you though, for your whole family. She’s someone they will accept. Nobody would accept me into your family. I think we both know that for sure.

Two hundred and twenty-one days have passed since that night happened. I’ve gone through many stages of: Hating you. Worrying about you. Wondering if you’re dead. Wondering if you’re alive. Pretending you’re dead. Wishing for your presence. All while still loving you. It’s torture. I don’t know if I should give up. Or if I should keep waiting for you. Because a part of me feels that I will never find anybody like you. Nobody’s going to look at me the way you did. Nobody’s going to touch me the way you did. Nobody’s going to care about me the way you did. And nobody’s going to understand me the way you do. Every time I talk to someone new, I compare them to you. I know that’s wrong, but it’s true and I can’t help it. That’s when I start to believe that they’re not good enough for me. Because I need to find somebody that’s so good that they make me forget about you… I know that’s not fair and I think that’s what keeps me from letting people in. I put this steel cage around my heart when you left me, and you’re the only one with the key to open it. I just wish you would talk to me. I wish you would tell me to move on, but your silence speaks louder than words. It drives me crazy; leads me to believe that I did something wrong, but I didn’t. Maybe it’s your way of keeping me in the sidelines when things get bad with you and her. I don’t see how that’s fair, but I love you so much that I don’t care. I’ll take any excuse you give me to come back, so long as I get to see your face again. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for getting close to you. I’m sorry for burdening you with my problems. I’m sorry for loving you. I’m sorry for all of this. Maybe things would’ve been simpler if we just didn’t meet. But as people say, “Two souls don’t just meet by simple coincidence.” I start to wonder why you came into my life. Or was it I that came into yours? I wonder if you’ll ever come back to me, even as a friend. I miss you. I miss you so dearly. Please stay alive while I exist. Whether it’s a year or ten, I will wait for you. Because I love you, and I want to believe that we are meant to be together. I want to wake up every morning to those lovely green eyes of yours.

I forgive you. I forgive you for pretending that I don’t exist. I forgive you for leaving me with no explanation. I forgive you for choosing her over me. I forgive you for falling for me. I get it now. We are just simply not meant to be. But that doesn’t mean I’m okay with that.

You know me… You know I always have so much to say to you. You know I could write books about my love for you. But I have one more important thing to say…. Happy birthday.

Love always and forever, The boy with the brown eyes