Yes, I am Scared
Time check: 1:10am, August 09
It is drizzling outside, bed is cozy and the atmosphere is lulling me to sleep but I can’t... I just can’t find a way to get these stupid thoughts out of my head. Do you feel that different kind of way your heart beats? It beats fast and slow at the same time that it makes you wanna pause for a while and just listen to it.Â
My heart, what is troubling you? Please let me know because you’re confusing me plus these thoughts that’s been bothering me for the last weeks. You’ve been acting strange and lonely lately that you cried yourself to sleep earlier. Are you still drained from that sick week we’ve been through? I thought we’re okay, but I guess we’re not... all this time.Â
You are scared, I know.Â
You are scared with this overwhelming stuff you’ve got in your hands --- school (plus the expenses needed), ministry, family and all these responsibilities you have to accomplish because you want to be done with it. This constant pressure that’s always on top of you saying: “you need to graduate next year!” “hit up on your goals!” “don’t forget your family!” You’re terrified that you’ll be stuck and end up with nothing but disappointments and frustrations.Â
You are scared that you’re being left out again. Those people that you’re surrounded with are on the edge of giving up on you, neglecting you and abandoning you. One day will come when you wake up and feel that they just don’t care anymore and that after all this time, you thought they’re the ones worth keeping for but that’s not how they felt about you. You’re scared because you don’t have “your person” who’s always gonna be on your side but everyone you know has that somebody in their life.Â
You are scared that the things you love about yourself are the same things that pushes people away. You are hard to love--- and it’s a terrifying thing to think about. Having questions of “what did I do wrong?” “what’s with me?” just keeps taunting you and leave you helpless because you don’t know the answers. It’s hard to place yourself in a world where you don’t belong in anything or with anyone in the first place. You keep on searching, and finding out what’s wrong with you and why people just can’t stay in your life.Â
You are scared, I know. And it’s okay.
It is normal to react this way--- this world is so big, full of opportunities, lots of people to deal with and it will definitely offer challenges that will push you outside your comfort zone. It is natural because you’re human and clueless on how to handle things but it’s not your fight alone, God is with you in all your life’s battles. And it is naive to think against yourself because if there’s one person who should love you completely, honestly, and unconditionally... that would be you! Love yourself first and that love will radiate from inside out and it will attract those people who’ll love you and stay with you. But you can only do that if you keep your heart anchored in God’s love because the love we’ve been searching and demanding from other people can only be found in Him.
My heart, before we face another day together, I want you to get rid of all the fear you have inside. Breathe it all out. Let’s live one day at a time. One responsibility at a moment. Don’t be so hard on yourself, okay? Never let these challenges remove your softness. We can get through this by God’s grace. All the provision we need is already provided! Tasks ahead are already victorious! Rest is on every side! You have nothing to worry! God is with us always.
You will never gonna have to be scared anymore. :)Â









