Ad Astra

"She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings." My name is Q. You'll often find me seeking adventures, staring at the night sky, and drinking lots of coffee. This is my celestial space online where I dump all my musings.

[onthecue]

Imposter Syndrome.

And it hit me today, "hindi naman talaga pala ako magaling."

I entered graduate school a few weeks back, with a bottle full of confidence and dreams. But now, after a number of classes, I realized how little I am compared to my peers.

It's hard not to compare. I've been out of school for 8 years already. It has been 8 years since I graduated college. I feel like I have lost not just my spark but my wit. I used to be an achiever, but now I feel like I'm just average. Graduate school is really HUMBLING.

With this, am I gonna give up? Hell no.

It's just the start, I'm still adjusting.

I'm gonna do it scared. I'm gonna do it anxious. I'm gonna fake it 'til I make it.

My time will come and I must learn to be more patient with myself and my tiny, little progress. :)

[onthecue]

Cala Laiya weekend. 🌊🏖️🐚🩱☀️

Home away from home. 🏡

[onthecue]

Today's date is a vibe ☔️⛈️

[onthecue]

I felt like drowning in a thousand-feet deep ocean, barely treading and I was gasping for life. 

Little did I know, that there are people out there to help. Someone extended their arm and succored me to recovery. Right there and then, I felt a breath of fresh air.

[onthecue]

One step closer to my RPsy dream!!!! 😭🧠🛋️

Grad school, here we go.

[onthecue]

📍HUB | Make Lab, Escolta

[onthecue]

Bipolar tendencies.

I don't want to have these bipolar conversations where I threaten, and apologize, and demand, and apologize again. I don't mean to take you through the wringer to make you see violence, and mood swings. I don't mean to scare you when I cry for hours. I don't mean to scare you when I scream and punch things. I don't mean to scare you with my suicidal tendencies. I never meant to do those things. I never meant to drop everything and move across countries with no plans at all. I never meant to hurt myself until my arms were coated in scars.

For all the times I self-medicated and drank away my pain, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken so many Abilify pills. You're right, I was wrong again. I never meant for you to become my caretaker. I hate those words — caretaker. I should be able to take care of myself. I'm sorry I am not managing this illness. I am very, very ill. I'm sorry for the times I couldn't get out of bed, couldn't eat, couldn't move, couldn't go to work. I' m sorry for the times I made tons of post-it notes, filled journals with ideas, bought calendars and notebooks. I'm sorry for getting your hopes up. I really thought I could do it this time. I'm sorry for my diagnosis. I'm sorry I didn't understand how serious this is.

I didn't ask to be bipolar. I didn't ask to be born. I make cases for myself in my head but they're all filed as crazy. I'm sorry I was delusional, paranoid, and afraid. I'm sorry for melting, fading, burning, and still coming back alive —these lowest of lows, and highest of highs.

When you're only supposed to be a support, a resource of compassion, you had to be a caretaker. You didn't ask for this, neither did I. I sometimes questioned if it was harder on you to live with someone with bipolar disorder, than it was for me to live with bipolar disorder.

You wanted to save me but, you made me realize that I can only save myself.

Now, I'm drowning and my lifeline is gone. I'm trying to learn to swim. I just hope I do it before I sink.

[onthecue]

Maligcong, you're nothing short of beautiful.

I had a twin hike last May 31-June 1: Mt. Fato x Mt. Kupapey. The best views come after the hardest climbs. If there's something this mountain has taught me is to keep going and to follow your own pace - you'll still get there anyway. :)

[onthecue]

Grief never left my side once we met.

Grief is a reminder of how much love you still have for someone you've lost. But to be constantly reminded that I still have overflowing love to give and don't know how to send it really kicks me out of my sanity.

It's wanting to cry the whole day, being overwhelmed with company, drowning in sad thoughts from happy memories, only to be forced to recover because life only cares about living.

All in a day, an hour, or even minutes.

I miss you lola.

Almost four years and I have not loved the same way since you left.

[onthecue]

Insomnia

I can't sleep. It's already 4:42 AM and I still can't get myself to bed.

[onthecue]

Anxiety on an all-time high.

I hate it.

I hate it how my anxious thoughts easily get to me. I hate how it affects me daily. I hate how I cry about it. I hate how it feels like a never-ending feeling that I’m in danger, when I’m not.

I love how my parents are there to hold me. I love how my girlfriend says the right words to ease my burden. I love how my dad comforts me by saying that I should be strong, and occasionally tells inspiring stories. I love how my mom hugs me and makes my favorite dishes and desserts.

They keep me going.

They make me want to live, 𝙖 𝙡𝙞𝙩𝙩𝙡𝙚 𝙡𝙤𝙣𝙜𝙚𝙧.

[onthecue]

My favourite coffee shop discoveries lately.

[onthecue]

Anxiety and whatnot.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety lately. Even if I plan ahead and know in heart that I am beyond ready and prepared, my negative thoughts still eat me alive. Work has been extra draining lately because of this. This is how ‘everyday’ feels like when you’re dealing with General Anxiety Disorder and Bipolar I Disorder.

I try not to be labeled by my diagnosis. But sometimes, it’s hard you know? Knowing that the anxiety will always be there.

What’s helping me lately is by trying to redirect my thoughts. I wrote notes on a post it and stuck it on my wall. I’ll share what I wrote in hopes that someone might need to hear this too, and help them out in my own little way.

Things get easier.

If you can’t beat fear, do it scared.

You got to do it. You might do it badly, but you still got to do it.

Comforting, isn’t it?

[onthecue]

On self-love.

Sometimes, loving ourselves means accepting ourselves enough to tell ourselves other people like and approve of us. Sometimes, loving ourselves means approving of ourselves even when they don’t.

It takes courage to stop cowering and openly love, accept and approve of ourselves.

Don’t just say the words.

Love yourself until you experience that love.

[onthecue]

[onthecue]

I'd come to an agonizing conclusion that what’s sad about the new year isn’t that gut-wrenching feeling of unaccomplishment during the past year. It is the harsh reality that as time goes by, you get to celebrate it with less and less people that you once loved.

[onthecue]

“If you're lucky, you realize early on that each decision you make answers a question that all of us muddle through: how to build meaning in our lives. Meaning is not something you stumble across or what someone gives you; you build it through every choice you make, the commitments you choose, the people you love, and the values you hold dear.”

- Maria Ressa, How to Stand Up to a Dictator