@opaquecoloredglasses - Tumblr Blog

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You've got to know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

And know when to run

You never count your money

When you're sittin' at the table

There'll be time enough for countin'

When the dealin's done

Every gambler knows

That the secret to survivin'

Is knowin' what to throw away

And knowin' what to keep

'Cause every hand's a winner

And every hand's a loser

And the best that you can hope for is to die

in your sleep

This is the most depressed I've ever felt.

God... If u exist... I don't know how else to feel. My optimism has plummeted. I wish I could go to heaven... Because I've been existing in a living hell. I need your hand... Please.

I need your hand.

32520

I'm serious. My mind is slipping. I'm not sane. I feel my mind getting worse by the day.

I feel like cutting myself again... I want to see if the blood is real. If any of this is real.

32520

I just want to say I don't know who or what was behind all of this...

But thank you.

Thru my initial suffering, there was blessings in disguise (also mockery on my part and that's ok because I deserve it to an extent. Plus, it is kind of funny now realizing it on such a huge scale). I just wish I could know how positively the impact is for the world.

That. Is. Love.

I just wish I could discover whatever it is I'm supposed know. I've been stuck between survival mode and fuck it mode. I have no idea what I want bc I know life doesn't work the way I expect it for myself so I'm pragmatic in my living.

I just wish I could get a clear ass sign. Then again, I've probably gotten them and didn't realize or know what to do.

I know I'm supposed to figure something out but I feel like someone's missing in my life to help me complete it.

I just wish I knew who it REALLY REALLY REALLY is.

Because at this point, you have my love. It's a feeling in my soul I can't comprehend.

At the same time, if I've been disrespected, to earn it back will be challenging but not impossible.

I'm forgiving... Always.

But I have my limits.

But I do feel like part of me is missing... Always have... Maybe that's why I'm always sad.

I just want this figured out...

I feel something... And I hate being lead astray.

I just want something/someone to stay.

32420

Hahaha... The toilet paper hoard

Hahaha... Don't touch your face and stay the fuck away from everybody

Hahaha... Quarantine in ya homes like a goddamn introvert and grocery shop

You think this is funny??

How am I funny???

Do I look like a goddamn clown to you, huh?

Fucking dealing with this shit and nothing fucking out here to work with??

I'm a fucking joke to you??

That's great...

Ha. Ha. Ha.

C'mon everybody!!! Let's all laugh at Danielle with her fucking stupid fat ass!! Stupid bitch had it coming!!! Am I right!!! Yeah, fuck me! I fucking suck.

Let's keep laughing at this stupid bitch!!! What a fucking loser!!!

I'm just a huge, fucking, pile of goddamn shit.

Ha. Ha. Ha.

Dumb fucking bitch.

And maybe I am a afraid of love and intimacy. I have good reasons. And I wish I could've taken this "time" to chill and do something creative. But in real life, as a real person, my mind is still traumatized from being kicked out and fired back to back. I'm still hurting from my mom's death 4 yrs ago. I don't get good sleep. Like I said, to feel a high that grand and treated the way I did fucked with my head. I'm bitter as fuck and resentful. It's only been a month. I can't just be "better and healed" that fast. I have no privacy out here so there's no focus. Just thinking about my next meal. How to adjust to the 40/30/20 degree temps.

I wish I could go back to 2010...

If 25 bright eyed yr old me only knew how much hell 10 yrs could bring... I think she would've tried drinking even harder at 27.

32320

To lose both parents before 30 yrs old

To lose a ton of jobs

To lose my mind

To lose homes

To lose money

To lose health

To lose...

And lose...

I'm a loser.

So I cry...

And cry...

And as I lay in this car, freezing at night...

Praying I don't wake up...

Because I know another day alive will just be more of the same pain.

And no matter how optimistic I've always tried to be...

Results in the polar opposite of my intent...

Others just seem to be blessed from birth to death

Then there are those like me, cursed and hell bent.

Trying to be the best person you can be given the circumstances

And I try...

And try...

Following rules and laws...

Being a perfectionist to lessen the flaws

And I'm still rejected... Neglected... Infected... Disrespected.

They tell me be loving...giving...kind

I get hated...taken for granted... And paid no mind.

I feel I deserve a big pass to sin (drink, smoke, fuck around, get high, steal)

It's the only way to bare the hell I'm already in.

32320

Wtf ???

32120

I really don't understand this method of "enlightening" shit to be honest. A lot of people are starting to get hit hard and for what? Why all this abrupt shut down shit? Really?? It couldn't just be eased into the human consciousness like any other thing, reading writing etc...? That's kinda fucked up to be honest.

I can't find anything (jobs or housing) bc everything is closed or too scared to open up. I try going online and shit starts crashing. I fucking envy everyone who has a place to stay. I fucking envy anyone who has family or friends.

I feel like my mind and my world has been hijacked by a demon. A demon that knows I want to kill myself but won't let me. Whoever or whatever you are... I hate you. I fucking hate you. This is fucked up.

And I've always been "awoke" I just knew there could be balance between the modernisation technology of today and the ancient natural. But whatever this is... It's not right. And I understand we have to face our fears to overcome them... But when is this going to go too far and turn into havoc and riots and all out chaos? That's what I'm concerned about. Deprive and deny, and people will start to get aggravated and cause protests and mayhem.

I really just want my life to get better... I don't know how long my money will last. I have no support... I have every fucking right to be terrified.

I wish my suicide went thru in 2015... Once again... I have no luck. My life is a living curse. I want to get so fucking high right now.

32020

Speaking Out.

I was going to eat at the benches in the park (went back to my car... Didn't want to get stung, allergies). There was a guy sitting there talking on the phone saying how California was on lock down. But anyway, he said hi and how are you. I honestly said meh. I spoke my mind telling him this whole thing is fucking stupid and unnecessary (to a degree). That to shut shit down, enforce lock downs and blah blah was no different from scare tactics of the 1950's duck and cover for nuclear bombs or back under the Bush administration with duck taping your doors/windows for biological warfare. People still out here... Hello?? If this shit were as bad as it seems everyone would be dropping like a mustard gas attack. C'mon!!! I also told him how the government/ media loves to manipulate the minds of people for their agendas. He looked at me weird, smirked and left.

We're so quick to look for direction... From anyone, even if it puts us in danger or fucks us up mentally, spiritually, etc... That's why I said I could never go into the military. My commanding officer could lead us into a barrage and I'd be like fuck you guy, court Marshall me idgaf... The platoon can go that way... *Eric Cartman Voice* Screw you guys, I'm going home!

I hope this quarantine did something. Now that everything slowed down... THINK FOR YOURSELF. THINK. You're forced to stop living your life.

Ask why... Really, why?

And was that life you were told to halt really your best life? Or something the system insists must be lived?

AWAKEN... My babies.

I did... And then some.

32020

If this is a twin flame journey... I've never been so confused. Like I think I know who you are... Then I get sidetracked quick. I've been trying to figure out who it could be for months. Get feelings for one... No maybe it's the other... Then fuck feelings altogether. I wish I wasn't tricked into this. I don't care who it is anymore.

As for finding myself... It's hard with no really good support... The kind that just listens not lectures. The kind that doesn't keep persuading you to do something you don't feel. Someone that can give you ideas or suggestions but doesn't push it. Someone who doesn't play games with your emotions or mental state. Someone who sits with you... Holds your hand while you cry from frustration but doesn't judge you.

I have a lot of frustration to work thru. I guess that's a big key. Once nothing frustrates me, I can work any job or go anywhere without anxiety and depression. Ok brain... time to go to work. Heart... You settle the rest.

31920

The forgotten.

For those of us with no family... Homeless... Jobless...

We are the forgotten.

Where is our help?

Where is our savior?

We are the forgotten.

31920

Honesty.

I have been afraid my whole life. But lately, it's different. At my CORE, I'm not a bad person. People always gave me that impression because of the radical way I am. I have/ had anger problems... But personally, it was passion. It's that ironic good anger like when you see someone being hurt and you're compelled to punish the person doing the hurting. But along the way, I just got overwhelmed. I felt like a lightening rod for those hurting. Go ahead, hit me, disrespect me, yell at me... I know you're hurting. I thought I could take it. But I took on so much... Too much. And I've shutdown. And I was alone in my own pain for a LONG time. Like a rat in a cage, I didn't know how to escape. I was exposed to a lot of wickedness from a very early age. It fucked with me. But I always held on to hope.

I read books... Meditated... Tried to smile thru the tears. I'd like to think I've helped someone... Anyone. I really hope I did. My art has been a gift to many who I felt helped me or were hurting. I hope I brought a smile on someone's face.

I'm not a bad person... And even that's hard to say because to me it sounds conceded.

I always felt this compulsion to feel the suffering of all those in the world who suffer. To let them know I FEEL YOU. I UNDERSTAND YOU. I'M LISTENING.

But I never felt someone was hearing me.

I want to give everyone a hug... Because that's how humans exchange energy.

LOVE IS ENERGY.

Stop pulling away from each other!!!

Enough with the violence.

Enough with this!!!

I wish I could give everyone a flower...

I know I broke a long time ago... Only to see what truly needs fixing.

I still have a bit of soul searching to do... I'm human...

I believe I've disrespected myself for too long. I can't carry the weight of the world. I know there's a way for all of us to come together. I can feel it.

Yes, isolation is good for introspection absolutely. Don't make ppl feel like outcasts during this Coronavirus thing. It's no different from the lepers in the times of Jesus or the Aids crisis of the 1980s.

What if it was you? Golden rule. That's why I need to see how I project myself onto people. That's why I'm grateful to actually have been put thru this "hell." It gives perspective.

Also, the internet has been the cornerstone of connection... But to physically hold another human means more than a hug emoji.

I really hope to love even more than before.

Not for money... Not for things...

We hold on to money and things because so many lack TRUE human connection and love. It doesn't have to be romantic... That is a display like merchandise in a store window to look appealing... I'm talking real, genuine caring.

For connection. For completion.

Heaven and hell I'm starting to figure out truly is a feeling... And all of this is temporary. And life is to be lived. It doesn't matter if you're introverted or extroverted. It's what peace feels like inside of you. My frustration feels like hell... So now, I'm off to find my heaven.

And if I suffer set back after set back like I've done all my life... That timeline isn't it. It's already being occupied.

Fear is something to be examined. I dwell in the past. I get anxious of the future. But now is what's happening. If my present hurts... Why? And is it supposed to? What does that tell me about myself? Chaos exists when things aren't being examined. Order and control are two different things. Order is when the chaos is examined and interpreted based on belief. Control is when chaos is not examined and attempted to piece together which is impossible.

I give up control... I give up stress.

I float with the waves now... Under a starry night.

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Fuck me daddy.

Fuck my brains out.

Mmmmmmmm... Make me CUM HARD.

Yeahhh, you like that?

Mmmmmmmm.... Fuck yes.

Give it to me harder daddy...

Oh fuck. Oh fuck. Oh fuck.

How's that mind pussy feel?

You like that?

I want you to choke me.

Choke me til I pass out.

RAPE MY BRAINS OUT DADDY

Violate me...

Ohhhh... Yessss...

Mmmmmmm

Stroke that ego of yours between my fucking tits.

Mmmmmmm.

Treat me like trash like you always do.

Shit on my dead body. Shit on me like you used to.

I love my hell... Fuck, I love my hell.

I'm the bad guy...

You need people like me.

The world and me are never going to see eye to eye. I already know my fate. Happy ending my ass. I'm going to be fucked bc of some shit I wrote on Facebook 10 yrs ago? Well, I'm going to make sure I'm the most calm person you ever seen commit suicide.

That's the hose you hoes. I'm dead ass.

Say good night to the bad guy!

You know HIV/AIDS, billions of cancer causing carcinogens, STDs, flus/colds, allergens, heart disease, processed foods and other shit still out here right???

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