Today I woke up to Lisa sneezing loudly because she has allergies. I couldn't fall back asleep. I've been taking a new antidepressant the past few days. My doctor told me to wait a week for my antipsychotic to level out, but I was so miserable I started it immediately. I feel more energetic and less able to sleep, but I'm also irritable, dehydrated, and feel as if I drank three cups of coffee this morning although I've had none.
I went to school early and got some work done. I was feeling weirdly euphoric, but I didn't have physical symptoms until about noon. I worked on a couple projects. One I'm grinning and bearing, the other I'm enjoying a lot but I'm afraid it's not my best work. It feels like nothing is ever good enough, but that's a separate issue.
Around 1 my symptoms peaked. I was having a lot of trouble concentrating. I became very fidgety and unable to write anything. Everyone's chatter was amplified and felt very distracting. I became irritated at this, so I went outside for a bit. I sat in the sun and tried to breathe. I forget to box breathe, though I know I should. I watched a preying mantis fall from a tall eucalyptus and slowly crawl. It was horrible and I was in a weird state and I just felt super bad.
I need to call my doctor tomorrow and tell them my antidepressant might be triggering a manic episode again. I would prefer not to be psychotic and go to the hospital again. I really hope we can find some kind of option for me, because the days have been becoming increasingly unmanageable.
This past month I've been making it a point to finish work early. I'm in the studio by myself most mornings and get a lot done. It's been lonely, but I've been able to avoid staying up late. I read a new theory that bipolar disorder may be a type of sleep disorder. That makes sense. I don't think I ever realized it before, but after all my all nighters, I would feel weirdly energetic, as if I had slept all night. I thought this was just a quirk, turns out, it's a symptom.
The drugs have dulled me quite a bit, and I was in a bad depressive episode prior to the antidepressant. I was having trouble feeling alive. Every morning I commute to school, I don't even bother putting on music. It feels like a churn, or it makes me feel psychotic. I've just been existing... It really sucks. I've been isolating myself because I can't hold conversations. My brain moves at a molasses pace.
I've also struggled with my creativity, which has made school tougher. Some days are better than others, but I'm not as quick as I'm used to being. Making work feels effortful. To be fair, it's felt effortful all year. It could just be my condition, or that I had a psychotic episode recently, or my meds.
...obviously I've been ruminating too.
The worst part is the loneliness and alienation I feel. I try to explain to others how difficult it's been, but I don't think they quite understand what I mean. It's not that people haven't been supportive, but I think they may be getting sick of me talking about it. I don't know. I feel so helpless. There isn't an answer here. I have to live with this thing and I wish I did not. The stupid thing is that I've lived with this since I was a kid, probably. I was untreated for a long time, how the fuck was I managing?
I wasn't, in hindsight. It's always taken me more effort to do things other people do easily, like go to school and hold a job. Sometimes I do quite well. I feel really stable and at ease. But I slip, and when I slip, I ruin the things I built in my stability. The meds should help with that.
I also can't drink, or smoke weed, or stay up late, or have coffee. It all exacerbates my condition and increases my risk for an episode. Do you see what I'm saying? My lifestyle has prioritized my health at the cost of living more casually, and the meds make it hard to talk to others. Like duh, of course I'm depressed?
blakekathryn
stormborns
kianamaiart
2087
germansingergirl
