Operation Vindication

Clyde Charlott Mendoza, winging it since '92. So, this is where I dump my random thoughts and personal issues. Elsewhere: FACEBOOK TWITTER

[eleven-wishes]

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I am so sad I cannot even begin to write about it in concrete words

Everything I’ve been going through is just too much for a person that sometimes I wonder how am I still alive after all that has happened. 

We can’t always say “everything will be okay” because it’s not. Those words are deceptive. It promises us something without any foundation other than blind hope. It convinces us that someday, somehow life’s gonna roll the way we want it to be. But that’s not how it works! That’s not how life works! We are not burdened with problems where the solution is as simple as sleeping on it and letting it go.

Nothing is okay. Nothing had been okay since December. Nothing will be okay.

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Things you want to say to an ex

I could have known that it would be too emotional to do this challenge. Haha. 

Dan, thank you for loving me for who I am. Thank you for the times we’ve spent together and for making the small moments count so much before. Now, what I remember are not the painful memories but the time you first held my hands, the time you first kissed me on my forehead, the time you first hugged me from behind. Thank you because I’ve never known anyone who actually believe that I was enough until I met you. And you made me believe it too. :) I should thank you for a lot of things but I think I couldn’t thank you enough. Just know that there’s nothing about us that I’d ever take back. :)

I know we’ve already said sorry to each other but again, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for the times I chose to understand myself more than you. I know you weren’t happy when I left you. But I want you to know that I never wanted to hurt you. There were things that stood between us, you know that, so we let go. It crushed both our hearts, I know, because we didn’t really fall out of love. We just lost hope.

But truth be told, to this day, I still find it hard to come to terms with it. I still wish in a blink of an eye you’d be back. But I know you won’t. You will never come back. And what’s left is just me still remembering you and you forgetting me. And there’s nothing more hurtful than that. Dan, you wanted me back when I didn’t and now I want you back and you don’t. But if my holding on would cause you pain, then I don’t want it anymore. I know it would be hard to make my feelings stop, but I’m willing to try. So just be happy, Dan. Find your place in the world. Always know that I’ll never stop believing the best about you! 

Lastly, I want you to know that there’s one thing I’m pretty sure of that didn’t change since 2007, I still love you, Dan. I will never forget what you told me, that I was the only one and there could be no other. I hope in the future, our paths may cross again. And maybe it would be our time again :) 

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19th Birthday

Actually, I have nothing to say.

Except maybe I got chocolates from my friends and a cake from my roommates.  Plus it's my Tax and Law final exams during that day.

Other than that, well, yeah... Birthday's over.

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Rolling with the punches

As you all may have noticed by now, I'm still trying my best to lighten my pile of dramz and overhaul myself. 2011, so far, has been nothing but harsh and I've spent countless hours stuck in my room trying to figure it all out. I've done my best to keep it all under control. But what did I get? Nothing.

And until now, I'm still having a hard time looking for ways to get what I believe is best for me, or at the very least, something I think I want. I'm 19 but I can barely handle myself properly.

Of course, to people who are not me, this may seem unbelievably shallow. And I realize that no amount of explaining to other people can ever get them to fully understand me. I'm dealing with something that no one could fix. No one, but me, can save myself. That's precisely the reason why I always stay alone in the house. That's precisely why I try to avoid human contact as much as possible. But I know though that keeping all these bottled up, sometimes, is unhealthy, or so they say. So thanks to my friends especially Anavil, Kim, Marie, Paola, Sam, Danel and Jio. You've seen me turn into a sobbing mess, but you're always there to remind me that life is still fucking fantastic!!!

Actually, I'm not confused anymore nor there is a second thought about what I want. I know what I want. And I know too that things are never supposed to go my way all the time. It's a given, right. But what I don't understand is that every single time I try to do what I think would make me happy, the world throws crap at me and pushes me towards something else. Sucks.

It seems like the world is conspiring to keep me this way and it's really hard for me to put up especially at this time when I can't feel more down, but perhaps this is what I really need to get myself up. So this sadness? This depression? I'm just gonna feel it. And fight it. I'd rather be depressed and honest than fake it until I make it. I mean, it's okay to be sad sometimes, right?

 I know life is still going to hit me hard but, I'm not scared. I'm gonna roll with its punches.

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Day 3: What kind of person attracts you

I think I have bad taste in guys. Hahaha. There, I said it. Or maybe I'm just easily pleased and satisfied? I don't know. 

Basta. Everyone else before Dan was a blur. And after him, I think I got lazy, and I still am. And so did my standards. 

But maybe when I'm most ready, I'd probably be attracted to someone who is made of 100% laughter, someone who will outwit me and will always leave me in awe. Someone who has the Mcdreamy effect. Parang ganun.

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Day 2: How have you changed in the past 2 years?

Dear 16 year old self,

I remember you. Freshman year in College. Scared. Immature. Afraid of rejection and failure. Tamad. Pa easy easy. Unsure and hopeful at the same time. In love.

I want you to know that 2 years later, you're pretty much the same. But it's not actually a bad thing. Most of your friends you have before, they are still here, and they have been there to lift you up in your most trying times. Also, college life isn't as fun as you thought it would be. It's actually killing you. Hehehe. But you're trying really hard because you know it will all be worth it. I remember at this stage, you are still in love with your highschool sweetheart and you are scared about what the consequences are of your long distance relationship but I also want you to know that it did not last as you wished it to. After the break up, you learned some of the best lessons in life, you knew who your real friends are, and the best thing is after knowing how weak you can be, you learned how semi resilient and how much beautiful you really are. Hahahaha. Lastly, your Daddy Jun is gone now. You are sad and glad at the same time because he will not have to feel the suffering anymore.

I miss you 16 year old self. Just like you, I'm winging it until now. PS. Friendster is so long gone now.

Much love, Your 18 turning 19 in 20 days self

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Day 1: Weird things you do when you're alone

All of the normal things. I make stupid faces and take random pictures of myself. I talk to myself. I sing really loud and out of tune. I dig old clothes and see how I could wear them with new ones. I stalk people on facebook. I pee with the door open.

That's pretty much it.

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I love you Dad. This is for you.

I couldn't bring myself to write an entry because things have not been normal as usual. Also, I don't want my blog to be all about dramz, so I think I will start making entries in connection to the thing/person who has been foremost in my mind. 

This is for you Daddy.

Half of this day was spent crying over the fact that we won't be able to spend the coming years with you. Still, I know that we must accept it and feel happy that you will not have to suffer anymore.

I will really miss you, Daddy Jun. I never got the chance to tell you this but you were the first real realist that I've met. And I've always admired your intelligence! Sa'yo nga talaga kami nagmana ;) I remember before, you would always tell your friends, "First Honor 'tong apo ko"; "Sa Science High School nag-aaral 'tong apo ko."; "Kayang mag-sulat nitong apo ko gamit yung kanan at kaliwa niyang kamay.( HAHAHAHA)". You would always put my certificates and recognition day pictures on your table. Hehehe. I'm sorry, Dad, you had to go before I graduate. But I promise I'm gonna work my ass off for you! And you know what? I'm finally graduating next year! I know you're so proud of me right now. Hihihi.

I will never forget you Daddy. I want to believe you're still here. But I am sure in your part of heaven, you're happy now. Hinay hinay sa Tanduay Dad ha! I am sure, too that you are telling everyone there about your matatalinong apos na nagmana sayo. ;)

And don't worry, I will take care of Mama Fina. And remind her not to be hot headed always even if she won't listen. Hahaha. And yes, I will take care of Mama Dona as well. I will tell her that you love her. And I will make sure she understands this.

I will miss you everyday, Dad! I love you :) I can still imagine you sitting on your butaka while playing baraha.

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Easier said than done

To be honest, yes, I am living in this mode of constant withholding. Instead of opening myself to hope and chance to be happy, I still choose to live in regret. I still choose to blame the past for its failures. I do not know why but I'm in a rut. I don't have a grip on life. 

Maybe because I am not yet ready to accept the decisions and choices I made. And most of all, their consequences. Maybe because I am not yet ready to let go. I know though, that what I cling to right now is something unchangeable. If it wasn't, I should not be writing this entry now. Hahaha. 

But to be sure, letting go is not easy. If it were, the world would be a better place than it is now, right? Even if we're ready it's seldom easy to let go. It is not just a matter of cutting things out of your life and forgetting them. It is a kind of composure. A kind of composure that I can't regain even just for a second. 

So yes, I am still at the verge of break up. I'm still in the pit of mooning over, of ceaseless crying, and of unending maybes and what ifs. Unhealthy and unnecessary, as it will only drag me down deeper in the abyss. But I believe letting go happens effortlessly when there is no other choice. I guess I just need more time. But it doesn't get easier with time, it actually gets harder. Hahahaha labo. 

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Current Song: I don't wanna be - Gavin Degraw

I really think that I have always been a good daughter to my parents. I have always been studious and obedient, etcetera. Except for getting held up many times and for getting a 'singko' on my major subject, I never again gave my parents reasons to worry about me or to correct me. It seems like I did everything right. (Since when did getting a 'singko' became right? Haha.) 

But I guess, at the moment, I am going downhill. Why, I don't really know.

I am failing, consciously. 

I constantly tell myself that it's okay to fuck things up. I'm on the mindset that it is okay to deliberately suck at everything. Maybe because for the longest time I have been doing things right. 

I know, though, that if I wanted to, I can be so much better than this. But right now, I really enjoy giving myself the right and the chance to fuck things up. Hahaha.

Like what Gavin Degraw said on his song, I also don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately. I haven't figured out yet why this feels much better than always trying to do everything right. Maybe because I like the feeling of getting up after falling down. It's like being high on drugs. Fucking perfect. 

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Reviving my blogging interest

I've been wanting to make an online journal for months now, and since I have so much time on my hands, I might as well do it, right? 

So here it is. And I hope I don't get too lethargic to update. Because, that's what usually happens when I try to write a blog entry. You can just imagine how much effort I am putting in this right now. Haha.

But I'm trying. And it's a start. Just like me, this journal is a work in progress :)