you been on my mind

ophelia cole. 27. ex “influencer”.

[deepblueluke]

Luke knew there was a difference, but it was almost too painful to verbalise.

He loved his friends, more than he could put into words. It killed him to think that one day, he might forget the sound of Amy's laugh or Perry's music, or the noise of triumph that Elodie let out when she found a particularly cool seashell. Did Ophelia really think that wouldn't affect him?

But it would still keep the damage as minimal as possible.

He wouldn't be taking anything from his friends, like the possibility of a family, the chance to have a wedding that both parties were always going to remember. When he looked at Ophelia, he knew she would be an amazing mother, but how could he be the man to give her a child and then just leave them on their own?

He knew that what had happened to his father was nobody's fault. But Luke felt the pain every day of looking at the man he loved most in the world and getting a blank smile in return. He had the opportunity to make sure that never happened to a child of his own.

Perhaps it was better for Ophelia to be angry. She could be more productive with anger than sadness perhaps.

"I'm sorry I wasted your time," he said as he stood up. "But I really did want to make sure you were okay."

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia merely nodded, watching as he rose to his feet, ready to leave.

"Yeah. Well, now none of us are okay," she breathed.

She didn't bother standing, though it ached her to watch Luke turn away from her. There was nothing she wanted more in the world than to pull him back, beg him to stay, to work through this. She wanted to salvage whatever she could of what they had, to ensure that he was hers now and forever more.

A part of her even thought she might be able to settle for less, settle for friendship, if it meant keeping his eyes in her life. But Luke didn't want that, not really. Deep down to her bones, she knew that neither of them wouldn't be able to handle that. They'd failed once already, hadn't they? Would they both just keep stumbling until it all became too much and they had to cut ties entirely? It was probably better for them to do it sooner rather than later.

A sob built in the back of her throat as Luke crossed the room, and she wanted so desperately to keep it in, to push it down until he was gone, until it was safe for her to scream and cry and pound her fists into her sofa cushions. But it broke free, tears trickling down her face as she stared at the back of his head, a choked noise scraping from her throat as she watched the love of her life leave her again.

[deepblueluke]

He’d thought about this before, of course he had. He knew what he was condemning himself to if he chose this life, but he’d had plenty of time to get used to it.

“I won’t be lonely,” he argued gently. “I have friends, it’s… it’s different.”

He felt her hand gently squeeze his knee and he wanted to reach out and lay his own on top of it. It would be so easy to do and that was exactly why he couldn’t. Looking up at her, he selfishly hoped that if he did ever end up losing his memories, then this one - Ophelia crying and looking heartbroken - would be the first to go.

“I should leave,” he said quietly.

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia was trying to be calm. She knew that, despite how much she was hurting, Luke was in just as much pain. He was doing what he genuinely believed to be right for them both, and she'd already told herself to be patient with him, to respect his decision.

But she was hurt, and sometimes pain and grief and trauma could be ugly. It couldn't always be wrapped into a neat, compassionate bow.

"Why is it different?" She asked, blinking back more tears as she stared at him. "Why is it different if you forget them too? I love my friends."

It wasn't fair, and she knew that deep down, but why did he get to leave now? Why did he get to show up here today under some guise of cheering her up, only to turn around and break things off for a second time? What had he been hoping for when he'd come here, pulled her into his lap and kissed her until her skin burned hot and her stomach ached for him?

"Fine," she snapped, anger rising up in her chest. Ophelia didn't do angry. She hated arguments, but she couldn't seem to tamp down the feeling building inside of her. "Leave, Go. I mean, seriously, why bother wasting my time here today in the first place?"

[deepblueluke]

I’ve lost you so many time already.

It wasn’t like it was an unfair thing to say, but Luke still winced. He couldn’t argue with Ophelia, having hurt her already by pulling away without any sort of explanation. He’d as good as ghosted her, and look what it had lead her to do. The overdose had been accidental, yes, but there could still be a perpetrator during an accident and Luke’s hands felt heavy with the weight of the blame he knew he had to carry now.

“I’m afraid of losing you, yeah. But I’m afraid of leaving you.”

He sighed and wiped his hands against his jeans.

“I think it’s going to happen either way. At least this way, I get to be aware of it.”

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia wanted to scream at him, to cry out at him to stay. If he was so afraid of leaving her, why couldn't he just stay?

But she was done being selfish with him. He'd made it clear where he stood on their relationship and what their future held - or, rather, what it didn't hold - and she needed to respect that. She didn't have to like it, but she wouldn't stand in the way of his decision.

A fresh wave of tears spilled down her cheeks, and Ophelia thought of him then, 40 years from now, 50 even. In her own, fabricated world, Luke was simply lonely. He remembered her and everything they had, only he was all alone. The thought terrified her, like she'd failed to protect him from himself somewhere down the line.

"So, you're just... gonna spend the rest of your life alone?" She hated to ask, to put him in this position and highlight everything he was so afraid of, but she needed to know.

She leaned forward and, despite their obvious need for distance, placed a hand over his knee, giving a gentle squeeze even as she was flooded with fresh sobs.

"I don't want you to be lonely."

[deepblueluke]

Luke wanted Ophelia to touch him, but he also knew it was for the best that she didn't. There was no point in making this even more painful for the both of them.

It might have sounded stupidly dramatic to anyone else, that Luke should be acting like such a martyr right now. But he'd had a long time to come to terms with the fact that long-term relationships just weren't for him. At the end of it all, he wouldn't be leaving anyone behind if all he had to look over his shoulder at were short-lived flings and one-night stands. There would always be Ophelia, but he knew he needed to leave their relationship (which had been real and precious to both of them) far enough in his past that it wouldn't hurt so much when he looked back one day and it too far away to properly hurt.

"I think I'm always gonna love you," he said, head bowed.

"Maybe it won't stop for either of us, but it'll hurt less. And then we can maybe, I dunno, love each other in a different way. Like friends." It felt like a cop-out reply, a compromise he was offering that neither of them actually wanted, but what choice did they have?

"I really am sorry, Ophelia."

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia's hands fell to her side. She felt numb.

No, that wasn't right, was it? She wasn't numb. Numb would be preferable to whatever this was. She hurt all over. Every bone in her body felt like they were screaming at her, urging her to run. Run from her own apartment, from her own life, run and never turn back. There was a sharp ache in her chest, and her lungs felt as though they were shrinking in her ribcage, starving her of oxygen.

She could feel her breathing growing more laboured, and she couldn't even ask for help, didn't dare to put Luke in that position. Because right now, he was hurting her, but he was hurting himself too.

"Friends," she whispered, the word catching in her throat. She could barely manage anything more.

The room seemed to spin around her, and her legs felt as though they might collapse under the weight of her. She stumbled back, hands fumbling clumsily for the coffee table, lowering herself to perch onto the edge. She couldn't stand any longer. In truth, she sort of wanted him to leave. She'd never ask, of course, because at her core she desperately wanted him to stay forever.

"I think I get it," she nodded without looking up at him. "You're afraid of losing me, which I understand. I've lost you so many times already to understand."

[opheliaoffline]

He was right. She knew, of course she did. But stupidly, selfishly, she thought they’d be able to find a way to tackle it together. There was no easy fix, sure, but why should that mean Luke had to go it alone? She didn’t want him to do this alone.

“But what about me? When do I get to decide?” Her voice cracked, a sob tearing from her throat.

He’d taken her choice away from her once already, making decisions on her behalf while feeding her half-truths. She’d never known the full truth of why he’d ended things, with Luke deciding he knew what was best for her. He knew everything about her pain now and she knew about his. Why couldn’t he just let her love him?

“I wanna be there for you,” she pleaded with him. “I don’t care if you forget me. I don’t care if I have to remind you every day. I don’t care if it’s hard because I love you and I’d do it all. A thousand times over, I would choose you and this.”

[deepblueluke]

Luke could feel his own vision blur with tears and he hastily attempted to blink them away. He didn't want it to look like a ploy for sympathy. If Ophelia wanted to be mad at him, she could be. If anything, it might actually be better that way.

"Please," he choked out.

He knew that someone as headstrong as Ophelia would want to make her own decisions. He wasn't trying to undermine her in any way. They both wanted the same thing, but the impossibility of the situation sent them down two different paths. Luke couldn't want the same thing as Ophelia, not anymore.

"I care!" he insisted. "How could you just - I care if I forget you. I love you, and one day I could look at you and not know that."

He'd seen it too many times with his mother and father, the way his father's face would cloud over as he looked at his wife, eyes widening like he was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen in his life. It might be touching if there was anything lucid in that look. There was admiration, of course, but no recognition. And Luke couldn't bear the idea of Ophelia turning into his mother, the woman who cried herself to sleep at night then got straight back into it in the morning, her eyes red-rimmed as she tried to navigate her way through her day, never knowing when she was going to have to reintroduce herself to her husband.

"I'm choosing this," he said firmly. "I'm not putting anyone through that."

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia watched as tears filled Luke’s eyes, and she felt like her chest had cracked wide open, exposing her heart and leaving it to bleed freely. She could see the utter anguish that was etched upon his features as he pleaded with her, seemingly begging her to understand.

She had a say in who she got to love, but it was his life too. Even as he confirmed that he still loved her, he needed this, needed to end it. She didn’t like it, the pain of it all consuming, but she understood that he had the right to choose, the right to let her go.

Like was firm with her, and she wondered if this was as hard for him as it was for her. Maybe it was harder. One day, she’d understand that he was brave for letting her go, for putting her happiness and her future ahead of his own. It was a selfless act, wasn’t it? But it didn’t feel that way right now.

Ophelia’s hands lifted as she moved to swipe at a stray tear rolling down his cheek, but she paused, hovering awkwardly in front of him. Was she allowed to touch him? Was that off limits? Maybe Luke wouldn’t even want to see her again after this.

“I won’t stop loving you. Even when this is over, even when you’re…” Gone was probably the wrong choice of word. She meant away from her, out of her life, but she knew he’d read into it, see a future for himself that he was trying to protect her from. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to stop.”

[opheliaoffline]

For the first time tonight, Ophelia was entirely unconvinced by Luke's words. When he'd told her she was enough, she had believed him without pause. Now, it felt like nails on a chalkboard, the words scraping from his throat as though they were being forced out of him. Like he had no control over what he was telling her, some hideous creature inhabiting his body and manipulating him into saying those words.

It was bad enough to hear the sentiment echoed back as though it pained him, but it made her physically ill to hear his insistence that it was him, and not her. Every heartbroken girl had heard those words before and they never got easier.

"Why are you doing this? I don't understand."

She wasn't fighting, and there was no anger in her tone, only hurt. The lump in her throat grew thicker as tears started to spill down her cheeks, exposing her. All she wanted was an explanation that made sense, some sort of understanding as to why he would lead her on like that.

[deepblueluke]

Luke stared up at Ophelia, imploring her to understand.

"You know why," he said.

At least, he thought she maybe did. Perhaps she had acknowledged what he had told her at Halloween, but thought of it as something fixable. As if the wreck that was Luke's head could be mended by knowing Ophelia was here and that she still loved him the way he loved her. Luke wished it could be that easy. More than anything, he wanted Ophelia's love to be the thing that patched over the broken parts of his brain.

As tears spilled down Ophelia's cheeks, Luke felt like an eighteen wheeler had thundered right over his heart.

"Phe..." he said gently.

Slowly pushing himself to his feet, he reached out and grasped her shoulders.

"I can't do it."

[opheliaoffline]

He was right. She knew, of course she did. But stupidly, selfishly, she thought they’d be able to find a way to tackle it together. There was no easy fix, sure, but why should that mean Luke had to go it alone? She didn’t want him to do this alone.

“But what about me? When do I get to decide?” Her voice cracked, a sob tearing from her throat.

He’d taken her choice away from her once already, making decisions on her behalf while feeding her half-truths. She’d never known the full truth of why he’d ended things, with Luke deciding he knew what was best for her. He knew everything about her pain now and she knew about his. Why couldn’t he just let her love him?

“I wanna be there for you,” she pleaded with him. “I don’t care if you forget me. I don’t care if I have to remind you every day. I don’t care if it’s hard because I love you and I’d do it all. A thousand times over, I would choose you and this.”

[deepblueluke]

Luke winced when he heard her quiet words.

"You are," he insisted, hating how little conviction there was in his voice. Of course Ophelia was enough, she had always been enough. The weakness in his voice had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the way she just couldn't fit into Luke's life anymore, not with the shape it had taken.

She deserved more. Someone who could take care of her and knowingly be there for her without the threat looming over him of looking at her one day and briefly wondering where they had met before.

The thought made him feel sick and he shook his head.

"I know how it's gonna sounds if I say it's me and not you, I know," he said. "You have to believe me that it isn't because of you."

[opheliaoffline]

For the first time tonight, Ophelia was entirely unconvinced by Luke's words. When he'd told her she was enough, she had believed him without pause. Now, it felt like nails on a chalkboard, the words scraping from his throat as though they were being forced out of him. Like he had no control over what he was telling her, some hideous creature inhabiting his body and manipulating him into saying those words.

It was bad enough to hear the sentiment echoed back as though it pained him, but it made her physically ill to hear his insistence that it was him, and not her. Every heartbroken girl had heard those words before and they never got easier.

"Why are you doing this? I don't understand."

She wasn't fighting, and there was no anger in her tone, only hurt. The lump in her throat grew thicker as tears started to spill down her cheeks, exposing her. All she wanted was an explanation that made sense, some sort of understanding as to why he would lead her on like that.

[deepblueluke]

What if, one day, the only memory Luke could conjure up of Ophelia was a visual he hadn't even been present to see? Since the article dropped, it had been playing in his mind's eye, Ophelia's body cold and unconscious while a bottle of pills lay open at her side. What if all his happy memories of the two of them together was overwritten by this instead?

What if, a voice that slapped Luke with a sickening jolt of fear piped up, you eventually drove her to that again?

Luke knew he was difficult to get along with sometimes. He had a temper that he tried to hide, but sometimes it felt like as big as his body was, there still wasn't nearly enough room inside of him to house all of his feelings. They always came bubbling up to the surface. Plus, he could be cold and distant. He pushed people away because he couldn't stand the thought of them getting close enough to get hurt.

Ever since his father's diagnosis, Luke's life had been in freefall. He'd done what he could to counteract his fear. Journal entries, polaroids on top of polaroids, tattoos with specific memories attached to them. But sometimes he couldn't help but think of it as a fruitless endeavour. One day, he would read a journal and have no recollection of the day that the notebook was telling him about. An unfamiliar face would look back at him from a photograph and he would glance down at one of his tattoos with no idea why he chose it in the first place.

He'd sworn once before that he wouldn't put Ophelia through something like that. Just because they had made amends, it didn't change that. Especially when he knew what the pressure of being with him could do to her.

"We shouldn't be doing this. We- we can't."

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia had been right. He was ending things with her again, before they'd even gotten a chance to start over.

"Why?" She asked dumbly, unable to utter a whole lot more.

She stared at him, the obvious anguish that was trapped in his gaze, staring into the distance, somewhere past her. Just moments ago, he'd been moaning into her mouth, rutting against her ass and pulling her close. Now, he couldn't even look at her.

She felt sick to her stomach, as though somebody had dumped a cold bucket of water over her, the weight of the world crashing down against her for the second time in the past week. Was she really so difficult to love? Was that it?

"I thought I was enough. You- You said I was enough."

[deepblueluke]

He pressed his lips together in a thin line, suddenly feeling suffocated under the weight of Ophelia in his lap.

To her credit, she was intuitive enough to move, although Luke had a feeling it had more to do with the stinging sense of rejection she must be feeling than anything that worked in his favour. Guilt pressed down on him as he watched the way she stumbled backwards, creating the distance that he needed but neither of them wanted.

"No," he said sharply. He shook his head, trying to soften his tone. The last thing he wanted was for Ophelia to think that any of this was her fault.

"Fuck, I'm sorry." He leaned forwards and pushed his face into his hands with a muffled groan.

[opheliaoffline]

She felt conflicted, watching Luke disappear into himself yet again, just like he had all those years ago. Ophelia was no hypocrite, she knew she had done the same to him back then too, but hadn't things changed? Weren't they supposed to be better now?

Rejection mingled with concern as she stared at him, the urge to run and hide overwhelmingly present. But who would that help? Certainly not Luke, and she'd be the one who would have to live with that guilt. Instead, she drew herself closer, inching towards him again while still maintaining a healthy distance.

She didn't touch him this time, even as she lowered herself into a crouch in front of him. There was a thick lump in her throat, her tears from earlier springing back behind her eyes.

"Why are you sorry?" she whispered. That same, pathetic spasm had returned to her hands and she gripped them tight, fisting them into impenetrable balls at her side.

"We can take this slow, if that's what you need?" It wasn't that, and she knew it, deep down. But she hoped. God, she really fucking hoped.

[deepblueluke]

Admittedly, the sensation of Ophelia's lips on his and the soft, velvety feel of her inside thigh were memories that had imprinted themselves in his mind and haunted his dreams for longer than he thought he was allowed to admit to. He was so sure that memories like that couldn't be overwritten.

He thought back to all the little noises that Ophelia made, all the times they'd snuck out late at night to fuck on the beach. But Luke couldn't remember what the sky had looked like on those nights. When he thought back to kissing between her legs in the bedroom of her bungalow, he couldn't recall what colour her bedsheets were. Surely those were the kind of things a man remembered. And if he couldn't remember that, then what else was he due to lose?

He knew that Ophelia had sensed his sudden hesitance, and he could hear the sound of his breathing getting louder. As she ground down on him again, it didn't spark the same pleasure as before.

Instead, panic flared in his chest.

"We should stop," he said, bluntly.

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia's reaction time was faultless, she had to give herself that.

The moment Luke called for them to stop, she stilled in his arms. Her eyes widened as she drew back, searching his face. He looked so stricken all of a sudden, his breathing a little erratic. Something was so incredibly wrong, and she had no idea what she'd done to cause it.

"Baby? Talk to me. What's going on?"

That was what they did, right? This new and improved version of Luke and Ophelia. They talked things through, listened to each other and made sense of what was hurting. She could help him, if he only let her in.

With his lips no longer on her, the spark behind his eyes suddenly dulled, Ophelia felt sick. She pushed herself backwards, disentangling from him as she stumbled backwards and away from him. Her arm shot out in an attempt to steady her footing, and she lingered uncomfortably a short distance away from him. The two of them weren't dating, so why did she suddenly feel like she was being broken up with again?

"Did I do something wrong?"

[deepblueluke]

"Shit," Luke choked out.

The word was immediately followed by a groan as Ophelia moved her hips in a way that had Luke desperately trying to pull the name of the first deity he could think of to the forefront of his mind, just so he could personally thank them. Amaterasu was getting her fucking flowers right now.

He smiled into the kiss at Ophelia's confirmation. If he could be anything for her right now, then he'd readily jump at the chance to be someone who could make her feel better. After everything that had happened to her, she deserved that.

"Like that," he encouraged her, hands firmly squeezing her hips.

It felt like everything Luke had been missing for years now and his hips twitched minutely, as if chasing the friction he needed.

"I forgot it could be this good," he mumbled, his words echoing in his ears until they hit him with startling clarity. He frowned a little, and tried to shake the sudden feeling of dread. His lips faltered against Ophelia's, and he pulled back to press them against her jaw instead, not looking at her as he did what he could to turn his brain back online.

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia whimpered sweetly against his mouth, feeling a warmth in the pit of her stomach, accompanied by a welcome throb between her thighs. Honestly, she didn't think about sex nearly as much as most people did, but right now it had suddenly become the only thing she could think about. She recalled lazy mornings with Luke's head trapped between her thighs, her hands in his hair as he'd made her squirm and cry out his name as the sun rose over her tiny, beach-side bungalow. Her mind flashed with memories of him pushing inside of her, his tongue hungrily lapping at her nipple at three in the morning, many summers ago, when the two of them had been reckless enough to try beach sex for the first time. (They'd been far more concerned about sand getting into places it shouldn't than the fear of being caught.)

With each tender squeeze, he was encouraging her, so she was hardly going to slow down now.

I forgot it could be this good.

Had Ophelia left so little of an impression, or had everyone that followed just been that good? Once again, her traitourous mind wandered to Elodie. The poor girl had no idea she was the villain in Ophelia's totally fabricated version of events.

"So let me remind you," she giggled, her mouth chasing his again.

She felt the loss of contact almost immediately, brows furrowed as he moved his kisses to her jaw instead. It was a little less eager now, slower. Carefully, Ophelia grinded her hips against him again, desperate for a reaction, for some sort of sign that he was still into this.

[deepblueluke]

Luke's hands flexed around the curve of Ophelia's ass, palming her through her jeans as he kissed her back. He nodded at her question, not really trusting himself to speak because he knew not a single word would leave his mouth, but an embarrassing moan instead.

He guided her closer, the kisses they were exchanging getting sloppier and messier and prompting Luke to ask himself why the fuck they hadn't been doing this ever since they bumped into each other again. He wasn't sure Billy would have been best pleased to have found them grinding on each other on the floor of his store - but actually, he had it on good authority that it was for rare if someone wasn't getting it down in A Novel Idea.

His heart folded in on itself like a paper bird at her words. He'd missed her so much and they had found each other again. That had to mean something.

"Yeah. Me too," he panted. "You feeling okay?"

[opheliaoffline]

For one brief, horrendously horny moment, Ophelia couldn't help but think they were wearing far too many clothes. The truth was, she hadn't had sex in years. She wasn't sure the same could be said for Luke - she'd seen photos of him with Lando's little friend Elodie, plastered all over instagram. The young blonde was beautiful and could always be seen clad in hardly more than a bikini with her hands all over Luke, just as she could be found in his comments section, showering him in the praise that Ophelia had once been the sole provider of.

Not that she was jealous, obviously. It wasn't any of her business. But the truth of the matter was that she hadn't been with anybody, in any capacity, since their break up. And now that she had Luke's hands on her again, she wanted more of him. She wanted all of him.

"I've never felt better," she laughed against his lips. As if to prove her point, she gently gyrated her hips, applying pressure in the exact way she remembered he used to love.

Well, maybe love was an understatement, given that the two of them were like two dogs in heat for most of that first summer together.

[deepblueluke]

"I've missed you too," Luke said, the words mashed unromantically against Ophelia's lips but unmistakable anyway.

He drew her in the minute he felt her slide over his lap, and then she was seated comfortably exactly where she was supposed to be. His hand settled against her waist, just above the swell of her ass so he could pull her close, while the other slid along the long, elegant line of her neck.

"Fuck, I really like the haircut," he whispered nonsensically before he leaned in to kiss her again.

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia giggled, her laugh muffled and distorted against Luke's lips. Okay, so maybe one good thing had come from that cursed article. She wouldn't complain too much.

And she was really fucking glad she'd decided to cut her hair.

"Oh yeah?" Ophelia teased, releasing a pretty, contented gasp as he moved to kiss her again. She lifted her hips ever so slightly, pressing her ass more firmly into his hands, enjoying how large and secure they were against her. She'd missed those hands too, now that she thought about it.

Luke always made her feel so beautiful, so wanted. With each word and each touch, he made her feel like she was the most desirable woman on the planet. She hadn't ever needed validation from strangers on the internet, his love had always been enough.

"I'm so happy I found you again."

[deepblueluke]

Luke's chest exploded with unnameable, inexplicable feeling. Like there were fireworks going off behind his ribcage and delicate fish fins tickling his chest.

Ophelia was still in love with him and if lies were fatal then Luke would be stone dead if he tried to claim he wasn't still in love with her right back. He stared at her for a few seconds, mind racing with all the ways he could possibly react, only for Ophelia to take care of that for him as well.

He had to get better at being a little more proactive.

As soon as their lips touched, Luke lifted his hands to gently frame her jaw, fingertips skirting her sharp cheekbones, the kind models would kill for. His lips slid against hers, muscle memory, because no matter how many years had passed, Luke didn't think he'd ever forget how to kiss Ophelia properly.

It had all been building up to this, he was sure of it. The months following Halloween had been full of near-misses for them that they were both too willing to brush off as nothing. Prolonged looks and lingering touches that both of them had been too scared to really put a name to. They were always going to end up here. Luke just wished that what had happened to Ophelia hadn't been the catalyst.

[opheliaoffline]

The moment Luke's hands framed her face, his lips meeting hers and inviting her in, her whole body relaxed. She felt at home again in his arms, her tongue sliding past his lips and deepening the kiss. This was everything she'd dreamed of and more, and she couldn't believe they'd finally made their way back here. It was a long time coming, but she wasn't about to start complaining.

"I've missed you," Ophelia whispered, her words coming out in ragged little gasps. They'd been spending a lot of time together since they'd reunited, against the advice of their nearest and dearest (namely: Lando), but this was different. She immediately clarified. "I've missed this."

Without pausing for breath, she shifted her weight, lifting one leg as she moved to drape it around his own as she settled down into his lap. This was better, more comfortable, and exactly where she wanted to be. Her hand fell to his shoulder, sliding down so she could rest her palm against his beating heart, so she could feel just how alive he was for her.

[deepblueluke]

It felt god to laugh with Ophelia again, despite the circumstances. He felt the pressure in the room alleviate a little, giving them both a better chance to breathe.

Feeling her socked toes nudge his, he looked down at their matching-but-not socks. The dolphins and the whales. Softly, he smiled before looking back up at Ophelia, gently dropping the weight of his head into the palm of her hand. The action was playful and his chest expanded with a little more ease again.

"What is it?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

His kept his hand closed tightly around hers, unconsciously leaning in to hear her.

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia's heart swelled in her chest, enjoying the gentle way that Luke had nuzzled into her touch, like he wanted it just as much as she did. Maybe, if she wasn't totally misreading things, he wanted her just as much as she still wanted him.

"I think..." she started, her voice barely a breath. "No, I know... I'm still in love with you."

The admission left her with a light whoosh, as though she was parting from much-needed oxygen from her lungs. The words that she'd helt tight to for years, so afraid of releasing them that she'd buried them deep and let them burn a hole into her heart. What if she never got them back? What if they were lost forever, Luke's for the taking?

It didn't bear thinking about. They were out there now, and her face was mere inches from his now, their noses brushing as she felt the light breeze of his breath against her skin.

Without waiting for his response, she closed the gap, her lips finding his as her hand slid carefully into his hair.

[deepblueluke]

His eyes darted between hers, brown on brown, as he searched for any acknowledgment of her hiccup. Maybe she really had just tripped over her words and got her tenses mixed up, but Luke knew Ophelia. He'd sat beside her on the sofa as a whole movie came and went without her attention because she was too busy trying to curate the perfection Instagram caption. She didn't ever mix up words. She always chose them carefully.

"You were always enough for me," Luke said. And because he figured some clarity of the tenses could be useful for them both right now, he added, "You are enough."

What would it even mean for them both, to know that they still loved each other? Was it something they were even allowed to explore?

"You only missed it because I didn't let you in. I didn't see you were struggling because I was too wrapped up in my own shit and I didn't want to tell you so..."

It struck him that they were both just describing experiences that mirrored each other. It wasn't a funny situation, but Luke huffed out a laugh nevertheless.

"God, we're a fucking mess."

[opheliaoffline]

Ophelia's stomach flipped at Luke's words, a ripple of hope nestling into her bones. Was it totally insane to let herself go there again? She could practically hear Lando's voice in the back of her mind, insisting that Luke was nothing but a bum, a total loser, and no good for you. Not that she believed any of that, of course, but she knew he'd be disappointed in her, disappointed in the love she still had for the beautiful boy sat beside her.

A laugh bubbled from her lips as she nodded in agreement. He was right, they were a mess, but why shouldn't they be able to muddle through this together? They were both on the same page now, both being honest and open about their struggles.

"Maybe a little bit, yeah," she sighed, her thumb stroking along his jaw.

She pressed closer, shuffling along the sofa until their knees touched, their thighs pressed together. Gently, playfully, she nudged his socked foot with her own, the whales and dolphins reunited in the vast ocean. Maybe this could be their reunion? A do over of all they'd screwed up the first time around?

"I have one more thing to tell you," Ophelia whispered, looking up at him through long lashes. Her pulse quickened, and she wondered if he could feel it where their hands were clasped, his thumb lightly brushing her wrist.

[deepblueluke]

His breath caught in his throat when he felt Ophelia's hand on his face. Smooth fingers skirted his jawline and he forced himself to look at her, despite the pained expression he wore.

"Ophelia, you thought you had to be better for me," he said quietly.

He wished she had told him what she as going through, confided in him. But maybe he hadn't cultivated the kind of environment where they could tell each other things like that. He would be hypocritical to suggest otherwise. The minute his dad had received his diagnosis, he'd shut everyone out, closing himself off from any relationships and deciding Ophelia's future for her.

"I'm not saying this has everything to do with me." He wouldn't be that big headed. "But if I had noticed..."

[opheliaoffline]

"No. No, that's not it, I promise," Ophelia practically pleaded with him to understand. "I was falling apart and it had nothing to do with you. I was so afraid of disappointing people, of never being enough for them, for myself. I couldn't imagine losing you too, not when I love- loved you so much."

She paused, catching her error. She still loved him, didn't she? There was probably no use in denying it, but didn't need to burden Luke with the reality of her own, screwed up feelings more than she already was. Besides, she'd been powerless to losing him. Even despite her best efforts, he'd left.

"Don't do that, baby," she whispered, blinded in that moment to her own language, to the want that laced her tone. "I didn't notice you were hurting either. You were going through so much and I... I missed all of it."