Opposite Idol

[opposite-idol]

🫦

I don’t know what you want to hear Still declining this drinking culture’s every beer Because even without that, out of my head, I can never get your rear I really really really hope you keep every nasty thought about me dear Fuck it all, let’s ruin some careers

I’m only in the room so I can hear Let me hear you moan, baby Get as close as you can to my ear I’ll make sure tomorrow you walk drunkenly Keep the scanner on, so I can make sure you avoid parasociety’s police It’s ok, let you pass out on me Hold you while you sleep Take as much time as you need I’m still alive, and in love, in the silence Always lost, eyes blown out, at the ever present reverberance Always down on my knees, in pure reverence Praying… …Or something About our purity, let’s keep lying I’m sorry baby, I’m really really really trying…

…So hard Like how we want it, again and again And yet, historians will say they were just good friends Of course we’re good friends, you’ve gotta be friends first to last this long So, paparazzi, tell me what’s wrong Is it that I’m not sorry, for leaving a place that became personified as a nazi Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I only choose to chase the things that heal me And choose to burn all the things that break me, through my writing Throw it away, throw it all away, and try to stop caring That no one seems able to see that I’m thriving Because I can, and you tell me, again and again That’s all that matters, but I’m way too unassuming But being misunderstood, is too frustrating Maybe, just maybe, I should start drinking

I’m only in the room to see you laughing Get those teeth on me Get as close as you can to my neck I’ll make sure tomorrow your back is covered in one big scratch But not an actual open wound, you know I’d never hurt you like that But do the fa-…don’t say it, oh who cares, let’s fuck it, just like we are each other,…fans And when I say things like that, I know you’ll keep the news on Make sure we can both avoid parasociety’s bureaucrats It’s ok, let you pass out in the living room, snap a pic, so cute Covered in all our cats They smother you in your sleep But when we wake up, smothered by society And yet we never beg or complain, like “자기, baby, save me” (pron: jagi, trans: baby) Both still breathing, and both still in love, even when we live in silence Yet despite that, always lost, and eyes blown out, at the never ending reverberance Always down on our knees, in pure reverence Praying… …Or something Just like the pundits want, we practice purity Saying that is all that matters, but real life is kaleidoscopic It’s all about perception, if you really want to talk about optics And I do So fuck it, let’s ruin everyone’s point of view Their POV Can we be a real life version of “FRI(END)S” by V Too impatient, just say it, if you want me I want you so bad We’ll be like this, even if these Everests get upended And yet, historians will say they were just good friendses Of course we’re good friends, you’ve gotta be friends first if you want to simultaneously meet the world So, paparazzi, why you clutching your pearls Is it that I’m not sorry, for not being a girl Jesus Christ, I’m sorry I only choose to chase the things that heal me And choose to bury all the things that feel agonizing So welcome to Camp Green Lake Keep digging, you’ll never find it Until you stop acting like you’re the born receiver of fate No one seems able to see what’s hidden in plain sight You keep telling me, again, and again, that I can But the overlaying display, the HUD, is in the way Your POV is all that matters, but I’m way too unassuming to others And being misunderstood, really really smothers Snap a pic, so cute Maybe, just maybe, I should

[opposite-idol]

Rich

No, I don’t need the Rolls Royce In fact, just brings back childhood memories, of weird adults But, yes, I need your voice Please burrow into me, into my ears, specifically In fact, just brings back childhood memories, of a music filled house Never made a noose, but always made too much use Is that how I wound up as this recluse? Can’t let go, let go, let go of the sound Not of this home, but of all the shit coming out my headphones Like all the bookmarked videos titled “Astolfo” If you know, you know

I don’t know a damn thing about Fate Never seen it, yet somehow I still relate If that’s what I always want to see, what I always find so endearing Then maybe I’m Sieg Baby, you’re all I need But you’re so far away, away away away away away away But so are the planets from each other Yet they’re still always considered together In public, opposites attract But in this home, we’re no different That’s why, when we’re so far away, away away away away away away We’re still telepathic Just like when a plant is so far from the sun, but still sways Just like how the planets are so far from the sun, and each other, but they still rotate Baby, you make me gravitate

But I wouldn’t have it any other way Way way way way way way In public, hold my hand, even if no one cares The worries, we’ll still bear And little do they know, little do they actually believe My whole sole laid bare, rub my belly What the fuck is this level of trust between you and me When I can’t stop beating my chest, I’m only a monkey I’m just doing this on instinct, I don’t know a damn thing So why does it keep working Intuition is always right, ready to take flight

But fuck mental health What if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if, what if What if it all falls down No parachute, head so big, it’ll break my fall For me But, shit, that’s pretty costly

No, I don’t need the Rolex In fact, just reminds me of every bigwig Cult cult cult cult cult cult cult But, no, I don’t need to look out for my own neck But you better look out for yours Not a threat, just a desire Please burrow into me, into my thoughts, I require… Let’s up the rating to R, drop the attire To the floor Despite getting snagged on these huge 10 point attires Baby, you’re all that I desire In fact, just brings back childhood fantasies, of a bleep crazed head Never made a noose, so now I’m allowed to be and meet a moose Is that how I wound up as this recluse? Can’t let go, let go, let go of the dead No matter how far I travel from my comfort zone Or stay in this home, only holding onto all this shit coming from my headphones Please burrow into me, into my ears, specifically Like all the bookmarked videos titled “Astolfo” If you know, you know

I can’t go out, need to stay home and scrub For fear the public finds out But that sounds stupid So I just own it I just bare my sole, rub my belly What the fuck is this level of trust between you and me When I can’t stop beating my chest, I’m only a monkey I’m just doing this on instinct, I don’t know a damn thing So why does it keep working But fuck wealth Just keep jerking that mental health What if I want it, what if I want it, want it, want it, want it, want it What if it all falls down No parachute, head so big, it’ll break my fall For me But, shit, that’s pretty costly

[opposite-idol]

Musk Ox

Love you, love me I’ll write down our history We’ll normalize it so hard Make all the haters want to leave Give more, and more… …Love to you, love to me Let’s go ahead and make history We’ll normalize everything Hold tight, don’t worry, you’ll get to see Love you, love me Are you ready? “I don’t know” Well, neither do I “Are you ready?” I don’t know But I sure as hell know I love you, baby “I love you too, 사랑해” (Pron: “I love you too, saranghae”) (Trans: “I love you too, I love you”)

Love you, love me This is our history Yeah, normalize it so hardcore Holy shit, who are they all hard for Is it you? Is it me? Or is it our legacy? So much of what everyone has regard for Are things I disregard I’m too absentminded, only when it matters the most I want more, and more, and more I’m trying to stave off becoming a ghost So in you I become engrossed Love you, but save me I don’t need saving, just hold this ring for me But all I get is this damn engraving “I guess you’re famous now” But I really don’t understand how I just give until it’s a fault, until I’m but a shadow Ignore all I’ve been taught, until I become an amino But you love me anyway, just accepting it all Shit, someone get me a Pellegrino And at the ready, there you are My baby star

Love you, love me I’ll write down our history We’ll normalize it so hard Make all the haters want to leave But it’s all so jarring Puts us in a cage Oops, forgot one of us was still at least somewhat, a puppet on strings God, please let this give us wings, give us wings Because I love you, and you love me We’re only at the start of our history But they don’t wanna wait, already jarring us into a legacy Ready to be mass produced at the factory Well, they won’t take this from me That I can always guarantee Because… Love you, love me This is just the beginning Let’s keep going

[opposite-idol]

And It is in Kings' Palaces

You’re too busy, being in your prime But if you had the time, would you be mine I’m always in a tizzy, but if I could stop it for just a moment I could be in my prime too Or is the lack of drive just a product of my environment I only have the energy to survive But I wish I had the time, to chase enlightenment For ten years I’ve dug deeper into my own head Just trying to figure out who I am And what my problem is Only just now circling back to face who I am, I’m avoidant And the isolation it takes to figure yourself out, only makes it worse I can delude myself, can ignore all the insults, like “sellout” Internalize it all, until it can worm its way out in a verse Allowing me to ignore it once it’s out, avoiding going in reverse But I’ll reach the start again, because I only walk in circles And for your information, I only work in, I only work in miracles But the passion, even secret to myself, god, I love being clerical I always disassociate, and lose myself Until I sit down at a desk, data entry at it’s best I can go hours, days, months without rest, I’m in love with it What’s it called when you’re vampiric to yourself? Because I don’t want to hurt anybody else With this one more faction of my nonsensical juxtaposition I love the monotonous when I’m on a roll But the hours, days, months, years toiled away sure take their toll With all their lack of variety Even if I always pick the same one, a life without options Is a killer Killer, killer “Hey Alexa, play Thriller” And swamp me, with all the nostalgia, and daydreams I tell you again and again, stop bringing home ice cream I’m trying not to eat Fuck all these spotlight beams Stop telling me I need to cite my dreams I’m just a spider, climbing up from the drain, after spiraling I’m just a liar, attempting to cure myself again, out of breath after not even running It doesn’t take much, to toss me out, out of luck Baby, what the fuck Maybe, I’m finally out of touch, with reality Time to accept it’s always been the truth So why do I always feel like I’ve been in love with you I’m in love with you Even though you gave up on reality, the first time you saw me This life is everything Even though I lie, and say I don’t, but I know exactly what I’m doing I’m only here to suck you in, keep you spiraling

[opposite-idol]

Iceberg / Family(가족) pt.4

If you were still here, would you love him, as much as you loved me If you were still here, would you love now me, as much as you loved past me If you were still here, would you be happy If you were still here, would we be laughing Is everything ok? Sure, it is I just miss people I never got the chance to get to know If you were still here, would you have been there when she needed you If you were still here, would her bad dreams be devoid of you If you were still here, would I stop seeing you leading me around in my nightmares Trying to lead me out, trying to bring me to safety Even now, to you, I’m grateful for your love, for everything, even if all you left is money I’m sorry for all the things I regret, I’m sorry for my choices But I swear I’m happy, I just miss somebody

If you were still here, would you have accepted me as I am now If you were still here, would you be proud of who I’ve become If you were still here, would you love who I love, like your own If you were still here, would you be smiling If you were still here, would you be joking Still not caring, that no one was laughing Would you have embraced newness, and opened your heart to all of this I’d like to think you would But I still hear so many stories about what a hard-ass you were But the only side of you I saw was love, fun, and laughter 7-11 in the morning, beach in the afternoon, where you wouldn’t get out of the car But you were happy, just to see your family happy If you were still here, if you were still here, if you were still here, would I still miss you Living so far away, as one does, when they’re selfish, apparently I’m just trying to live this life as me And I’d like to think that would make lost loved ones happy What more do you want from me?

They say certain things skip generations Well, I was 40 years old when I was born Now I’m so close to 40, I think it’s about time for a midlife disaster That’s already happened, sorry My mental age was already 60 when I was 20

They say certain things skip generations But I’m not from my own generation And I don’t understand any generation I just know, there should be no such thing Everyone should be immortal What the fuck is an unbroken heart But don’t worry, buried mine out in the backyard Of a house my family don’t own anymore In a town where no one I know lives anymore So, why is that the place where our love is buried?

One might think I’m elusive to change That’s not it at all, I fucking love variety Without it I lose me I just don’t understand why can’t I take it with me, with me, with me All the warmth and love that made me It all falls away too early I always love cold weather, everyone knows this about me But when the blizzard blows inside, that’s when things get too scary Somehow realized all I wanted was for someone to be prepared around me Too shy to ask for it But he put on snow shoes and goggles, and treaded through it

If you were still here, would you love who I love, like your own If you were still here, would you love him, as much as I love him If you were still here, would you still love me, would you still love me If you were still here, would you be happy If you were still here, would we be laughing Is everything ok? Sure, it is I’m just longing, and disguising it as growing I just miss people I lost too soon, before I could ask them a million questions So, I’m sorry if when I text you it seems like I want you’re whole life story And I’m sorry if I’m too quiet in person, I’m just too shy to ask, I don’t know how to express my own meaning If you were still here, would you be a part of our lives If you were still here, would she still dream of you, miss you, because you live in a different state If you were still here, would I have someone to talk with about my nightmares Would you be able to lead me out Even now To you, I’m grateful for your love, for everything, even if all you left is money I’m sorry for all the things I regret, I’m sorry for my choices But I swear I’m happy, I just miss somebody

King of grief, yet another eye roll emoji Oh thank god, it’s almost like I needed another label, or something I’ve been to therapy most of my life, but still have yet to even touch on the topic If you’re not an iceberg, then what the hell are you doing? I don’t need you to get me, I just need you to believe The best in everybody, and to enjoy laughing Just be somebody, who if you leave before me, I can miss you and us being happy

[opposite-idol]

Lifelong

It’s been a while, still falling Never mind all the trials I haven’t learned a thing Everyone, even strangers, try to help me But I never learn Because all I wanna do is yearn

Waste all my time, somewhere else, where you can’t go Because you don’t know And I don’t know How to explain all the pain From a maladaptive daydream Step into my head, I’ll shut you out All anyone’s ever seen is the entryway But my internal world says “get out of the way” “I’m the best” But I haven’t learned Anything How do I explain my dreams When they’re so unbelievable Am I the only one who believes me, and believes in me? The people, who I’ve always wanted to have my back, have always been a no show Fuck a family, I can only rely on me Yeah, they’re so loving, I’m so lucky But “hey, mom and dad, tell me one thing you know about what I’m wanting” All the things I want out of life, no one knows When will I again feel alive, I miss childhood I used to feel fine, expressing myself But now I’m trapped by the most wholesome form of toxic masculinity Stoicism, just copy pasted from family, please rip it from me I know it’ll hurt, but goddamn, I’ve got these maladaptive daydreams Life and love, even strangers, say it’s meaningless, when it’s just in your head But what else is there to live for, at least I don’t wanna wake up dead I know, I know, I know No I don’t I’ll never learn Because all I do is yearn

I step into my own head, I want someone there to shut me out Why won’t my own head kick me out I can’t get anything done This week, this month, this year, this decade is not the only one When did this start? Probably the first time I ever wished everyone would leave me alone I fall into MBTI, enneagram, what’s my horoscope Sorry, disoriented from tripping over all that cobblestone Please tell me I’m not alone That’s all I think I want But, step into my head, and I’ll shut you out Say you know me, and I’ll shut you down Why do I do that, when all I’ve ever wanted is to be known? Goddamn, why can’t I just act grown Maybe if you left me alone Rip the bandaid off, I know it’ll hurt I just need to strike out on my own But I can’t do it alone I can’t stand the thought of no one having my back, not with a home, but financially It’s fucking terrifying I don’t need you to do everything for me But I don’t know how to do anything So I still need some things done for me I just want everything to be easy Because otherwise, everything is hurting How do I explain that pain From the perspective of a maladaptive daydream You tell me “it makes no sense” Fuck, bitch, I know Why do you think I need all these coping mechanisms? It’s not just the diagnosed too late autism My therapist tells me I need a support dog You laugh in my face, say “oh my god!” Please take me seriously, goddamn, I’m not a child

But the future is scary, I know So maybe you too have maladaptive daydreams Where I never grew up So what are you going to do? Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, I don’t want to listen to you Even though the older I get, the more sense you make While what’s in my head still doesn’t But if you step into my head, I’ll shut you out All anyone’s ever seen is the entryway But my internal world says “get out of the way” “I’ll get there someday,” optimistic to a fault But every step of the way, I seem to spill a little more salt Devil on my shoulder, invisible My cells, no longer divisible Because I haven’t learned anything How do I explain nightmares, when everything’s fine How do I explain I feel like no one cares, when I’m happy It’s unbelievable, yeah, I don’t believe it But I’m still superstitious Am I the only one who believes me, and believes in me? Please wait, I’m too polite to become a ghost I have no idea how to haunt people Because I’m optimistic to a fault Everyone has good in them But “hey, tell me anything you know about me” All I hear are crickets chirping Used to be my favorite summer sound But now it’s too hot out Fuck global warming, I don’t wanna go out All the things I want out of life, require too much I lie, and say, “I’m not lazy, I’m just a homebody” When will I again feel alive, I miss childhood I used to feel fine, expressing myself But now I’m trapped by the most wholesome form of toxic masculinity Stoicism, just copy pasted from family, please rip it from me I know it’ll hurt, but goddamn, I’ve got these maladaptive daydreams Life and love, even strangers, say it’s meaningless, when it’s just in your head But what else is there to live for, at least I don’t wanna wake up dead I know, I know, I know No I don’t I’ll never learn Because all I do is yearn

[opposite-idol]

Then & Now

How are you now I wonder where you are now When I was a little kid, I couldn’t have you And I remember having to watch my mother cry over your abuse And I had to watch my mother cry, my mother cry

Now that I’m older, she and I are not the same But I still cry too, all the same As I remember all the times I wrote your name In chalk on the sidewalk, as my parents let me run away Knew I couldn’t bring myself to go far, to go too far Always a good kid So you, I couldn’t get I don’t remember what you looked like Just that you were small, even in the arms of a child And that my mother cried over you And that my mother cried over your abuse

I remember earlier secrets I held about someone else I wonder where her sister is now If her father’s in prison, or somewhere else As I still hold my tongue, in the face of known abuse Even though, she knew it was wrong, and so she spoke to someone What a shame I’m such a good friend Who keeps their mouth shut when asked not to tell a secret When sharing it would have, could have, should have served justice

I wonder where you are now When I was a kid I missed someone I never had And as an adult I still think about you I suppose now you’d be way past old age, you might be dead But I still wonder did someone take you home Did someone love you the way that I thought I could I remember writing your name outside, no care in the world who would see Now that I’m older I’m a different person, who wants to live your name silently Maybe someday, I’ll visit the city that was your namesake Just for my own inner child’s sake It’s been over 20 years, but I still need to heal the part of me That had to see my mother cry over you I had to see my mother cry over your abuse

And I wonder about the human too Where are you Where are you

Where are you Where are you

[opposite-idol]

Blabbermouth

If we kiss, does that mean there will be a future A future we will have to miss I don’t care, let’s start all the rumors If you dare, I. Don’t. Care. Just so you know, these files are read only We both hold everything to our chests too closely We can’t know, what parts of life will become trials Hope I won’t ever be a tribulation I love you so much, I want every word to be a tributation And I know, from this point on, no one will miss any action Don’t say goodbye, I won’t say goodbye Is it time yet, for vacation But I don’t think we’re yet stressed enough by the situation Isn’t that a good sign Oh wait, look at that, haters in formation But I will forever think I was right to make you mine You’re out here, so bright, while I’m always hard at work under the shroud of night But so are you When do you sleep? You can fall asleep anytime anywhere I can’t help but think of you so cutely Baby, are you ready?

If only we would just kiss But love is always such a hit or miss And it’s worse, because I’m the one with hidden rizz But, what if we just keep letting everyone assume it’s you, because it is I think that would be hilarious And we’re two unserious Aren’t we, for this much showbiz Keep going, don’t stop Keep glowing, don’t flop Don’t care about being opposed When forced to focus on not being exposed

Are you ready? We’re two unserious Lying through our teeth to ourselves They don’t see us Even though we both know We don’t hide anything beneath these waters that swell

Let’s start all the rumors I. Don’t. Care. Do you care? Do you dare? Just so you know, these files are read only We both hold everything to our chests too closely We can’t know, what parts of life will become trials Hope I won’t ever be a tribulation I love you so much, I want every word to be a tributation And I know, from this point on, no one will miss any action Don’t say goodbye, I won’t say goodbye Is it time yet, for vacation But I don’t think we’re yet stressed enough by the situation Isn’t that a good sign Oh wait, look at that, haters in formation But I will forever think I was right to make you mine You’re out here, so bright, while I’m always hard at work under the shroud of night But so are you When do you sleep? You can fall asleep anytime anywhere I can’t help but think of you so cutely Baby, are you ready?

[opposite-idol]

👽

Lightbulbs all burn out One by one I’m so lazy, sorry to myself Nosebleed every time I blow my nose Am I okay? I don’t know, I don’t know I just pray and hope someone thinks there’s things I know I feel like, that’s the only way I’ll get by But I don’t have much faith in my brain Only have faith in my mind And I feel so alive when it rains But my hair was just dyed, so I gotta stay inside I gotta stay inside

Sometimes I wonder, if we’re all just someone’s pets Dear aliens watching this planet Our water, will you drink it? I’m serious Why does everyone always think I’m playing pretend “Look at me,” I’m a t-rex “Rawr XD XD” Drink the water, it’s about sex Everything I tell you is a lie I’m telling the truth all the time But more important than the truth, is the rhyme Don’t need no group, but I’m lonely It was only a matter of time, only a matter of time Only a matter of time Before it started to get better So, dear aliens watching this planet Will you drink the water? It’ll only get wetter Politicians secret plans, to drown intruders But I don’t want to be that kind of loser So I’ll never run for office, no matter how badly I feel a need to change her Dear aliens watching this planet, please take me with you But more important than home, is the verse So done with her

“Look at me,” I’m a t-rex “Rawr XD XD” Drink the water, it’s about sex Everything I tell you is a lie I’m telling the truth all the time I omit so much, don’t worry, it’s all fine I’m just trying to keep safe, my life This time We all learn some things the hard way In the moment, it sucks But in hindsight, you always learn a lot Dear aliens watching this planet Please come take me home, I no longer wish to be included in this place’s plot Or its godforsaken rot This place is not a home, and I’m too exhausted to roam Everyone says if you’re awake you should be an activist If I was an activist, I would have killed myself in 2002 The headache is so much bigger than you Please don’t ask me to give up being a satirist I may not be an artist, but I’m viably insane Yes, I’ll be horny on main

“Rawr XD XD, rawr XD XD” Drink the water, it’s about sex Everything I tell you is a lie I’m telling the truth all the time But more important than the truth, is the rhyme Dear aliens watching this planet, please take me with you Because more important than myself, is the view No, I don’t need the wealth, but it sure would be nice to be able to renew Myself Sometime But more important than time, is the rhyme And more important than the rhyme, is the line Don’t you dare drag my own boundaries back across my sight I just want to fall in love this time

Dear aliens

[opposite-idol]

Rowdy (Freaks pt.3)

I can’t speak And this is how I want it They all think it’s you who’s the little freak But what if it was me instead And you who was my little minx Honey, too many people want the real thing You and I both know you’re too unique For that, and everyone also knows it So why don’t you get it through your head Oops, were we supposed to keep quiet But we were never silenced Just too happy to accept the risk You like to play it safe I like play it safe Until we get in bed Get in loser, we’re going shopping I’ll get you anything you like Because promise, whatever it is, I’m sure I’ll like it Just wanna show you lovin’ Are you lovin’ it?

Hands around my neck But I refuse to play dead When I can’t breathe, exhilarated Probably linked to trauma from when I was a kid But won’t call it fucked up, can’t, when it feels so good So good in your arms Baby you sucked me in with all your charms And with that perfect fit Both the clothing and the pit But once it’s off, never mind the outfit In the end I’m so goddamn out of it And out of breath Goddamn the asthma But didn’t you still love every minute of it?

I wanna make wishes come true You do too That’s so scary when everyone and they’re mother thinks they’re an aficionado But where else would you ever be able to send all that bravado It may not seem it, but between the two of us I’m the modest one I just put on this brave face for fun It’s not bravery, it’s just being a troll, because I’m too stubborn and asthmatic to run Fuck all of y’alls award winning lungs Gave up on all the “maybe I’ll get there someday’s” Because realized, I just want to have fun today And this is how I’ve always wanted it Baby, don’t you know people always want the real thing They want the real you and me They want the real real freak But you and I both know you’re too unique While I’m faking being ordinary Hold on, let me send everyone a “wink-wink” Half of them do, and half of them don’t think it should be private Well, fuck that We’re not getting paid to be quiet It’s literally my job to talk shit Hahaha, so I don’t know what made anyone think we’d embrace the silence Forever, forever If you don’t like it, these ties, you’re free to sever Whenever Come on, get it together I’m delusional too, but it’s whatever Just too happy to give a shit You like to play it safe I like to be cautious Until we start getting raucous Didn’t mean to cause a ruckus Just tired of being quiet Sit down loser, open and be content with the gifts you got Because promise, whatever it is, it’s the real deal Weren’t afraid of getting caught Because there was nothing to conceal Normalize, and make this shit real

[opposite-idol]

Legacy / 가족 pt.3

Thinking about it from your perspective I’d want them to come home too But also what I want for everyone, simply, is freedom And to accomplish their dreams So go as far as you need Just don’t ever forget, together is how to stay at least somewhat sane Don’t ever forget those who keep you alive Why’s it so hard to love unconditionally It’s not, it’s just hard to understand the brain rot But who needs to understand, in order to simply just love

곁에 있어줘서 고마워 (Pron: gyeot-e iss-eojwoseo gomawo / Trans: Thank you for being by my side) 정말 큰 힘이 돼 (Pron: jeongmal keun him-i dwae / Trans: It means a lot) 집에 돌아갈 수 있어서 너무 기뻐 (Pron: jib-e dol-agal su iss-eoseo neomu gippeo / Trans: So glad to be able to go back home) 이 순간이 영원했으면 좋겠어 (Pron: i sungan-i yeong-wonhaess-eumyeon johgess-eo / Trans: Wish this could be forever) 미래를 생각하는 건 좋지만, 가끔은 슬퍼 (Pron: milaeleul saeng-gaghaneun geon johjiman, gakkeum-eun seulpeo / Trans: Thinking about the future is great, but sometimes it's sad)

Thank you for never giving up “절대 포기하지” (Pron: jeoldae pogihaji / Trans: Never give up) It means a lot “나에게” (Pron: na-ege / Trans: to me) But I don’t wanna go home “항상 집에 가고 싶어” (Pron: hangsang jib-e gago sip-eo / Trans: I always want to go home) Wish this could be forever, “wish this could be forever” “하지만 가끔은…” (Pron: hajiman gakkeum-eun… / Trans: But sometimes…) Thinking about the future is what keeps me going But sometimes it’s so sad, “하지만 미래가 너무 슬플 때도 있죠” (Pron: hajiman milaega neomu seulpeul ttaedo issjyo / Trans: But sometimes the future is so sad) Please don’t leave, “Please don’t leave” We’re not done here, “We’re not done here”

They said, and begged, no more sad songs, “one more sad song” Who are you kidding, do you even know who I am “I don’t, please tell me” What’s it to you, when I’m just a nobody “그런 잘못된 말은 하지 마세요” (Pron: geuleon jalmosdoen mal-eun haji maseyo / Trans: Please don't say such wrong things) They always do, but I just don’t want anyone to go “안 할 거야” (Pron: an hal geoya / Trans: I won’t) Then make a promise “안 할 거야” (Pron: an hal geoya / Trans: I won’t)

Get out of my head, while I worm my way into yours, against my better judgement But before I know it, I’ve let you in You were sneaking around in the dark, while your other self was in the light And next thing I know… I want to go home with you, “나랑 같이 집에 가고 싶어” (Pron: nalang gat-i jib-e gago sip-eo / Trans: I want to take you home with me) But I also know you need to be free, and I want that for you, “and I want that for you” And me “I love your dreams, keep chasing” I’ll always be here creating So go as far as you need “I’ll always be here waiting” Don’t ever forget that disarray can drive us insane Just don’t ever forget the things that keep you living It’s too hard to detach when I’ve been in love so unconditionally It seems to happen a lot, a lot, a lot, and I’m just ready to be done “I’m sorry if I become the next one” Then stay “Okay”

[opposite-idol]

Token

It’s all confusion But I’m happy just to be your friend Even if it’s all confusion Even if it has to end Even if it has to end I’ll be happy to have been your friend To have been your friend

It’s so hard to let anyone in Unless our types are matching And then, oh no, now I’m oversharing But is that not the way it’s supposed to be I don’t know, because the spectrum is always calling Though I never know where on it I fall in Or maybe it’s the obsession Why do I always feel so neurotic? Is it because the compulsions are held in Well, I’ve got nowhere to put them Unless I’m ok with people perceiving me as broken I don’t need to be exposed, for that to be what everyone thinks they know

I’m happy, I swear to god I am But apparently I’m too quiet And it’s not ok to be alone, there’s something wrong with it I’m happy, I promise I’ll just keep doing me No need to care what people think But I do, obviously Because, I too, am a part of this society Even though society never represents me

So what if the old me goes missing? Will you miss it, will you miss me? Are you already experiencing the sentimentality I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care As long as you don’t bother me with it And I hate to say this But maybe that’s why we’re no longer friends Do you have anything to say, that’s a part of my life these days?

If not, I’ll see you some other time When maybe things have changed But I’ve watched you spiral down into the depths of “it’s always someone else’s fault” And I may be stubborn in my own way But I really can’t stand that level of negativity So right now, I don’t wanna be around But if you ever climb out, please let me know There’s just some depths where I’m not qualified to go

And if you’d just taken the time to listen Maybe this wouldn’t have to happen It slowly becomes less confusing But I’m happy to have been your friend for a moment Even if it’s all confusion Even if it has to end Even if it has to end I’ll be happy to have been your friend in the end

But I don’t know how it happened, when I couldn’t even bring myself to let you in Because from day one, I could see nothing about us was matching Maybe we just had the same sense of humor Laughter sure brings people together But now, all that’s changed You take yourself and everyone else too seriously While for me, I’m the only one I take seriously While everyone else around me is just too silly I love juxtaposition and absurdity Philosophers either love me or hate me Even though I also don’t take them seriously But my own thoughts I do, if only I could make a living out of it like they did More people should probably be telling me I’m oversharing But is that not the way we’re supposed to be How else do you make friends, if not doing what loses them I don’t know, because the spectrum keeps calling Though I never know where on it I’m supposed to be falling Or maybe I should just focus on the obsessions Why do I always feel so neurotic? Is it because the compulsions are always held in Well, I’ve got nowhere to put them Unless I’m ok with people perceiving me as broken I don’t need to be exposed, for that to be what everyone thinks they know

I’m not broken I just know I don’t fit the parameters of your token And I don’t want to let you in The door is just painted to look like it’s open It’s only an illusion

[opposite-idol]

Other People

I’m every person you’ve never heard of Because I’m just looking for the exit I don’t want to leave I never did But I’ve spent all of life, trying to figure out how to be me Every door in this head I open seems to lead to an empty elevator shaft I teeter on the edge, trying not to fall in Like I said before, I don’t want to leave So, no, I’m not in a hurry But that’s the part of me that everyone seems to find so goddamn annoying What the fuck is a sense of urgency Taking my time lets me learn things I’m smarter than everybody No, not like anything, in school, I’m still failing But if “thank you’s” could pay the bills, I’d be swimming in bills Emotional intelligence is something else Every horoscope says I should be a therapist And I have no doubt I’d be good at it But I don’t care about your fucking problems I just love to be polite

I’m every person, you’ve never heard of Because I’m just looking for an exit I don’t want to die, I never have Except that one time, promise Used to tell so many lies, I’m still not done Promise But this is not one Promise

I’m every person you’ve never heard of Because I’m just looking for the exit sign Wake up, hit the grind, hit the grind, hit the grind Holy shit, that’s not a life Do you want to die, or are you just desperate to unwind? Sorry, the life you chose, can’t afford the time Vacation on a dime, doesn’t exist Time to unwind, doesn’t exist I’ve got this abundance of hope, convinced I’ll be just fine Because I’ve got an island state of mind How did I ever find myself when I was living landlocked I’m only just now realizing, maybe I didn’t Used to tell so many lies, how did I miss the ones I told to myself

I’m someone I’ve never even heard of I’ve spent so long trying so damn hard to be anyone else I just wanna be known I just wanna be known I just wanna be known Because I’ve looked everywhere else The last place left to look for myself, is in the eyes of other people

[opposite-idol]

Hearticulture

Sometimes you have to be a child But you’re the most grown up one I know You say “baby, I don’t want to go” But you’ve got a world to let know How much you love them all

Sometimes you’re so silent It’s your duality, and juxtaposition But in your silence, I can hear one million questions Promise I’m happy to be a footnote Because I know you’ll always come home I’m not jealous, I’m proud Because it’s a mark of your success And you’re in love with it, and all the rest Seeing you happy is what I’m in love with So if you’re happy with that, I’m happy too In your silence I can hear one million questions Promise I’m ok with all of it Don’t worry about me, don’t worry on my behalf

I don’t wanna be the thing that brings you down I wanna give you space to be your own Where you can feel free to change and grow As you need I’m just here to nurture the seed I swear, that’s all that matters to me That’s how I want to show love, and everything

It really is that simple Promise, promise I want you to think I’m some kind of Nostradamus So confident about the future When you’re not Promise, everything’s going to be completely fine How do I know? I don’t I just have faith in my insanity And the fact that you instantly felt like family

Because sometimes you’re like a child Even though you’re the most grown up person I know But you say “baby, I don’t want to go” Don’t you know you’ve still got so many places to go Please let everyone know That we love them all

There’s other times to be quiet We’ve got duality covered And juxtaposition, that’s my heart But I can hear yours, “thump-thump” everywhere I go That’s why I’m perfectly happy to be a footnote Because I know you’ll always come home I can hear “thump-thump” Like footsteps, no matter how far you go And I’m never hurt, I’m proud Because that distance is your mark on this earth And you’re in love with all of it Promise, seeing you happy is what I’m in love with So if you’re happy right now, yesterday, or tomorrow, then I’m happy too In your distance, I still hear all your silence, laughter, and loudness Promise I’m ok with it all

I’ll do my own thing, and let you do yours too You’ve got space to feel free to change and grow Whenever you need I’m just here to protect the seed I swear, that’s all that matters to me That’s how I want to show love, and everything

It really is that simple Promise, promise I want you to think I’m some kind of Nostradamus So confident about the future When you’re not Promise, everything’s going to be completely fine How do I know? I don’t I just have faith in my insanity And the fact that you instantly felt like family

Sometimes you assume you’re being too confusing But you’re way too easy to read At least to me We have the same duality, and the same heartbeats But in your fumbling sentences, I can hear one million questions Promise I’m happy to be a footnote Because I know you’ll always come home I’m not jealous or hurt, I’m proud Promise I always will be It’s a mark of your success, and of the place you’re meant to be And I don’t want you to give it up for anything Seeing you happy is what makes me happy So if you’re happy, I’m happy In joy, I always find you in my mind Promise I’m ok with anything, with everything So just tell me what you need And I’ll do my best to sow the seeds

[opposite-idol]

Sphynx

Here’s the followup All my insides are calloused It’s not just my lungs But my stomach My sinuses, and esophagus

I still can’t breathe Even after getting rid of all the things that cause me allergies I can no longer give love to anything Nor leave room for it to be received This home is empty If I want any of that, it’s gotta be… “Sphynx” Or “ugly”

I won’t take it, just call his name He won’t listen Only listens to me, copies his parents And I ain’t got time for any of this shit Cold shoulder, species specialty, well it’s mine too Because I ain’t got time for you Get hate, I take the high road I’ve been covered in preen oil since I was a child But come for the ones I love And I’m begging the ones I love not to let me go Death Note Shinigami Eyes Chrome extension turned on Even though big tech can kiss my ass But I’ve been a shareholder since I was a high school sophomore Oops

So here’s the followup All my insides are calloused It’s not just my lungs But my stomach My sinuses, and esophagus

I still can’t breathe Even after getting rid of all the things that cause me allergies Turns out it’s a deviated septum But surgery requires that I take out this piercing, that finally made me feel like me Fuck my health, I’m more committed to the aesthetic My health has always made me feel like shit While the aesthetic has always had my back So I’ll just suffer in silence “Wheeze…wheeze…wheeze” “Sniffle” Or maybe not I can’t breathe Even after getting rid of all the things that cause me allergies I can no longer give love to anything Nor leave room for it to be received This home is empty Not even a single roach in the walls I’m just writing this to stall The inevitable “Sphynx”

[opposite-idol]

Broken Arm

Rumble, hic, rumble, hic, rumble from the h-h-hicups While they’re still making me pee in a c-c-cup “Sorry, w-what?” What a weird kink Hey, doc, what do you think? Is it because of the drugs Or maybe it’s because you’re a bigot But you don’t know it Your bias is internalized Well so is my mental health But you don’t see me offing myself So why can’t you get over yourself And do your fucking job? I guess not Fuck it I guess I’ll never come here It’s not like I’m weird I’m just trying to solve my problems, in the normal way, like everyone But no one can see others in a normal way I guess you didn’t wear your contacts today Don’t worry, it’s ok I didn’t want to see you either, anyway But I needed to come here today Because I’m dying And no, it’s not because of the drugs It’s just because I’m trying to be normal But in order to do that, I need your help But in order to get that, you need to see me as normal But you don’t, because you’re in love with a criminal So if my health is bad, it’s not my goddamn fault It’s because they still make me pee in a cup “Sorry, what?” What a weird kink Hey doc, what do you think I’m not…. But I could take your… if you want Wouldn’t that be a nice lawsuit? But don’t worry, I showed up drunk So in court it won’t hold up But when we show up I’ll look like the normal one And the judge will ask what you were on And you’ll stutter I’m sorry, no I’m not, has the cat got your t-t-tongue? Since you didn’t make my heart flutter, you can get yourself g-g-gone With this shit, wish I could be done Why, you ask, am I on drugs Well, I’m trans because I was born wrong And I like to eat, so I’ve got high cholesterol And I’m still sad two decades later because I miss my dog And I’m paranoid because I prefer to be alone And I’m anxious because the world is fucked Goddamn! So don’t tell me what you want You make six figures a month, so get it yourself Wouldn’t that make a nice lawsuit? But don’t worry, I already know you look good in a suit Stalker? No, but I know how to use google Why did I even come here, when I’m trying to be frugal? If doctors never help Even with insurance, the copay still so high No one can even afford to save their own life Goddamn, don’t waste my time Why bother educating the passionate When by time they get to the real world, they no longer give a shit Every time I think it’ll be different It’s not Same old, same old, goddamn don’t waste my time Wasted my time coming here It’s not like I’m weird I’m just trying to solve my problems, in the normal way, like everyone But no one can see others in a normal way I guess you didn’t wear your contacts today Don’t worry, it’s ok I didn’t want to see you either, anyway So BRB while I go home, and come back a whole new person Just so you can treat the actual problem

[opposite-idol]

≠

Are you okay, in that place you stay? I left 23 years ago, to the day Laugh all you want, you’ve never had worries anyway While I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community, while I’m so fucking far away Are you okay?

Chained to the wall, and underwater, is how it feels And I’m someone who’s privileged, and has everything I ever want For the most part And I can’t even begin to imagine what it’s like, for those still fighting I can’t even imagine, what it must be like to not be mentally suffering

I may be privileged, but I don’t have the privilege that allows me to laugh about wholesale slaughter Sure, some of us used to be daughters But I only want to be precious to those who I let in So, fuck you

Are you okay, in that place you stay? Laugh all you want, you’ve got nothing to worry about You’re the tile, while I’m the grout Care needs to be taken, if I don’t want to mold away I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community While you’re the majority I don’t give a shit if you’re okay

I’m just trying to make small talk Because if I try to have a real conversation, no one fucking listens Fuck you, and you, and you, and you till the very end I’m going insane, I say again, and again, and again For the millionth time, but I have a good reason I’ve been growing mold since I was twelve years old Maybe I care way too much, and maybe you don’t care enough But it’s been 23 years, and caring hasn’t done shit So if you want me to stay, give me a good reason

Chained to the wall, and underwater, is not how it feels It’s how it is, and how it’s been And I’m someone who’s privileged But I don’t have the privilege you have, to feel completely normal laughing about the fucking genocide of generations of children Sure, some of us used to be ignorant And I’m still so careful about who I let in So, fuck you again

Are you okay, in that place you stay? I left 23 years ago, to the day Laugh all you want, you’ve never had worries anyway While I have to worry for all my friends, and a whole community While you’re the majority I don’t give a shit about what you have to say

I’m just trying to make small talk Because if I try to have a real conversation, no one fucking listens Fuck you, and you, and you, and you till the very end I’m going insane, I say again, and again, and again For the millionth time, but I have a good reason I’ve been growing mold since I was twelve years old Maybe I care way too much, and maybe you don’t care enough But it’s been 23 years, and caring hasn’t done shit It’s been 23 fucking years, and I’m still mad as shit It's getting way too hard to keep it inside So if you want me to stay, you better give me a damn good reason One that can trump a fucking democide