Is it okay if I vent? I'm a bi woman but haven't really gone far with another woman yet. I really do want to have a relationship with one, but I'm not having much luck. It hurts me a lot when I see people talk shit about bi women almost always choosing to be with men, or that we say we are bi but go on to marry men anyway. Lesbians can have their pick of the litter in the dating world but bi women are seen as bottom feeders even by other bis. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Yes please vent, it gives me life knowing other people feel the same way about these things. You’re definitely not wrong, and you’re not the only one to notice that “you shouldn’t date bi women because they’ll always end up with men” is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I thought I was a lesbian for years and one of the main reasons is that so many experiences common to all wlw are widely seen as lesbian-exclusive. I’ve always felt so lonely at the idea of never finding a woman who loves me back, I’ve struggled with my self-worth a lot wrt how other women see me, to the point of considering transitioning because I didn’t know any other wlw (at least none who were out at the time) and it felt like women wouldn’t be attracted to me or love me unless I somehow altered myself. And a lot of that was me feeling like I had to be more similar to men because I could never compete with them for women’s attention.
So having those experiences, when I heard things like “only lesbians understand the alienation and desperate loneliness of feeling like you’ll never find a woman who loves you back, bi women can just comfortably choose men for their whole lives,” it seemed obvious that I was a lesbian. And “don’t take bi women seriously, they’ll just leave you for men” was probably the hardest form of self-hatred to shake, later on, partly because I know how awful it feels to think other women will never want you as much as they want men, and I know how it feels to want to blame them for that.
And it hurts knowing other wlw see you that way. It feels like the message is “just go content yourself with men and don’t bother women, we know you’re not really one of us,” which I guess stems from the myth that only lesbians can feel like falling in love with women is essential to their lives and identities. So lot of us end up thinking we’re just different from other bi women, or trying really hard to individually prove ourselves. Back when I was embedded in more biphobic communities (because I was told that was synonymous with supporting lesbians) I probably said a lot of biphobic things in an effort to prove that I’m different and more legitimate somehow. But that only reinforces shame and self-hatred so it’s really sad seeing other bi women do the same thing.
Or we invent ways to signal to other women that we’re actually serious. I’ve seen febfem/bi lesbian/sapphic/ tons of other labels that seem designed specifically to convince other women not to write us off just because we’re bi. I think this also contributes to the trend of bi women acting like their attraction to men is a burden. Part of it is being sick of men’s misogyny, part of it is trying to tell other wlw I’m actually trying to date women!
And it kind of makes sense, because I know bi women with a preference for men do exist. I still don’t have an ideal way to find out other bi women’s preferences or communicate mine, except on an individual basis. But I want other bi women to know I prefer them and I can’t be the only one, and there are lots of other bi and lesbian women who don’t see us as less legitimate. As much as the idea of having to constantly argue against biphobic stereotypes frustrates me, it’s way worse seeing bi women just give up on finding other women because they started to internalize those things and feel like they’ll always be unwanted. There are too many forces preventing us from connecting with other women as is, and we really don’t need to add to that.
People who see us as lesser don’t have any authority to speak for all of us and don’t represent the community as a whole. You don’t have to prove anything, but I hope you find women you connect with, who understand your frustrations and like you for who you are, I hope you find chemistry and comfort and feel seen and wanted. But even if that doesn’t happen in the near future I believe you and you’re not alone in thinking any of these things.
