I AM THE ORB

round (formerly known as skelly)(30 nb fat artist/drum teacher with every diagnosis imaginable that everyone thinks are fake because of people like average Tumblr user. Because of this i am nearly homeless and hoplessly addicted to drugs)

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I know this kind of shit probably isnt helping anything and im probably being delusional but I dont care i wish they could hear it and believe it. Even if its too late to ever be friends again I want them to be ok. I know how its effected me and im barely gonna make it out. Im still not sure if im gonna be able to recover tbh. I know it bothered them too so even on the off chance they may see this somehow or or even feel my vibes from 500 miles away I have to give it a chance. That was the love of my life as as far as i can tell. If we ruined that I would love to at least get to be their friend some day. Honestly im kind of wanting to start life over at this point, so im gonna need a new best friend to go with it :) all I know is that i love em and despite everything its not going away, its just getting stronger and more mature and unserstanding and less fragile, even in their absence.

Losing my temper at this person and telling them never to speak to me again was the absolute worst mistake of my life. I didnt even want that. I just said the meanest thing I could cuz k was so hurt. I actually wish they would talk to me all the time, any time of the day, 24/7, about gosh dern anything. It doesn't matter. Talking to them was the greatest moments of my life. I felt so ridiculously happy talking to them about literally anything. That was true love man. I cant ignore that shit. I have to hope she'll come back at some point

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I wish they could understand that I just want to understand them and there's nothing to be ashamed of, whatever horrible things they've done, embarassing mistakes, bad thoughts, socially unacceptable shit that youde expect that I would hate them for. I love them. I just want to understand every little thing about them. If its embarassing or unacceptable to most people I just want to kiss it. I want to kiss your flaws and let you know how beautiful they are. Obviously it fuxjing sucks that's the reality. But it doesn't mean I have to be a jerk about it

Ide rather you be loved and accepted even with the issues. Issues are part of being human and psrt of why I love you so much. Just be honest. If you dont let me know about them they will hurt me when we could just be loving each other even with the flaws. If we know what to expect in the worst case snd still choose to love one another I think that is so fucjing special. Like, as hurt as I am, there's not a thing you did that I couldn't understand if you would've just voiced your genuine feelings instead of playing the weird games. If i heard you did this to someone else i would be worried for myself obviously and expect some warning anf honesty from you if you felt it coming, but it wouldn't phase me overall. I would still love you. I'll always love you. Im so sorry for letting myself judge you when I can't say im any better. I have my own issues ,(you got some right and others totally wrong lol,)

My loyalty is always to the wellbeing and growth of my fellow strugglers, especially one who I love from the bottom of my heart, who was always there for me when no one else was, who loved and cared about my art and music that no one else cared about, who almost helped me get sober just by existing by my side. I have tried everything under the sun to get better. You are the only thing that ever worked. The only problem is that we were never able to stay together in love long enough for it to stick. Nothing else has ever had that much of a positive effect.

I want to be there for you for the things you cant tell a soul about. I saw such sorrow on you. I just wish I could lift you out of it, i wish you would tell me why you feel that way. I dont know what you were going through, but I know there must have been more than you were telling me. I love you so much there is nothing you can tell me that will change that. I hope you you are doing well. At this point im really just waiting on you love. I think ive processed and healed what I can on my own.

We need to talk. Im sorry. I know you want to run, but we really need to talk again. If its just to say our final goodbyes that's ok. I truly love you. Wherever you want to go and do is fine with me ss long as you're truly happy. I just think that perhaps there are parts of yourself you have been neglecting and it shows. You have so much to offer and yet you seem so held back by your own shame. God I just want to see you free and hsppy and light. I love you so much buddy. Please be ok ❤️ please plesse don't give up on understanding yourself :) I think it will be so worth it. You're pretty neat in my humble opinion :) dont ignore those emotions of yours, ok? I think they're much bigger than you like to admit ♥️

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At the end of the day there is really nothing someone I truly love can do to make me hate them or want them to go away. Ive said things in the past that were the total opposite of what I wanted or believed out of pure stress and the fury of betrayal. I love the fool more than ever. Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn and they certainly made me scorn

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Why my butt so sore tho (im celibate dont be gross)

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Just really feel like sending out posi vibes today. I love you!!!! I love you!!! You're magical!!! Whoever you are!!! Im willing to bet you're much cuter than you think you are!!! ^^ ♥️♥️♥️

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Thanks to a literal random miracle im able to stave off withdrawals one more day, for nicotine, too. Thank you God. Please let me have a miracle like this with my friend.

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I guess thats the weirdo life having one person you like who hates you but could literally be like the happiest couple ever and just having to move on pretend like it doesn't exist and ignore the pain of possibly never seeing each other again. Life is so fucking mean man. At least I only cried once today. The nighttime right before bed is always the worst cuz i never got to kiss her good night without something being off.

Ugh im feeling so romantic for no reason. I wish i could send her flowers (she hates that shit probably) and also im completely undateable right now lmao. Maybe ive reached the delusion part of the grief process. I hope not, it seemed so legit at first. I like to think maybe she knows what she lost too. :(

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Tbh keep this on the dl but I would still wife her no questions asked

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Ive seen and felt a whole lot of shit, done alot of drugs, died and came back, got my shit sucked by the hottest girl at school, been to Disneyland, played some sizeable shows and gor paid to do my dream job (for as long as it lasted) but nothing, NOTHING, has ever come close to how giod it felt to hug that goofball weirdo from tenessee. I squeezed her so tight she came up off the floor and wiggled around, and that was the happiest, purest, most divine thing ive ever felt. In that moment my heart was full. I felt like life was worth it. I could be happy with her forever. It was so fleeting. We barely had any time before things went sour but it was immaculate. I had never even known that I COULD be that happy, and now I dont know how to live in my old reality. She hates me now. I have no idea what to do. I know now where my happiness lies, but its locked away. I have no idea if ill ever reach those heights again. I hope so. I just want to be happy and share it with everyone - its infectious y'know :)

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So many lessons and experiences gone to waste. Please someone hear me truly, some day,

I hate seeing people suffer, its so much less necessary than your overlords make it seem. There is so much pleasure in simplicity, love, simply being yourself in the sun, spending time with your friends, being whole. To serve one's purpose is as good as it gets besides kissing the one you love.

God bless these lost people. I weep everytime I think about it. How old am I, truly? 30 seems so young. How many times have I made this trip to earth? Or is it just because i had to skip my childhood? I used to love stumping my parents and grandma. Im so painfully aware of my inadequacy, and the complete lack of even the seed of adequacy in others

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Biggest case for hell actually existing is how well people who think its cool to go there do in life. Like. You're incurring more karma than you can pay for there brother. Meanwhile people who will actually probably end up in heaven live meager lives. Guess we're paying in advance

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Somehow I dont think that its a good idea to not be worried about going to hell. Whether or not you'll end up there after you die you can definitely end up there

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I love you, whoever is out there. I caught a nice vibe right now. Love you, mysterious vibe. You are sweet. Thank you for coming by

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Catholic methadone counselor calls me Bubba and buddy and It makes me feel nice.

I can keep being going even with no hope as long as i have little things like this

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God ive just been so pathetic and I just cant fucming get up its embarassing

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God, do i really have to go home because of this? I dont think i can fight anymore. I don't want to harm myself enough to die. Please let me go home in peace. I have nothing left. Ive totally ruined my life with no escape. Please present a solution soon or let me go to sleep.....

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Ive spent so long being fake to survive I couldn't fucking understand that I had to just be radically honest and I just kept doubting myself and retreating inward . Also i hated their other partner. They were fucking evil but really good at disguising it.