Goodbye, Baby…
After seven years, 29,930 posts, numerous friendships made, and some broken, and countless memories that will last me a lifetime, I have decided to leave Tumblr.
I began to think about it around this time last year, but I only decided that I was going to leave Tumblr in autumn. In my “Year in Review” last year, I said that I had “plans” for my Tumblr this year, and these are the “plans.” There were also three factors in the latter months of last year that solidified my decision to leave.
Firstly, I do not enjoy Tumblr as I once did, and what is the point of continuing to do something that you do not enjoy? The numerous updates to Tumblr were also a factor that contributed to my decision to leave as they would often interfere with the format of my posts, which led to Tumblr becoming more of a chore than anything else.
Secondly, I feel that it is the right time to leave Tumblr. I turned eighteen years old on 21 September 2016, and the seventh anniversary of the creation of this blog was in January of this year. I created my Tumblr when I was eleven going on twelve, and I am now eighteen going on nineteen. I lived through the most formative years of my life (so far…) on Tumblr, and, as corny as I am aware that it sounds, the adolescent chapter of my life is drawing to a close, and I believe that it would be fitting to leave Tumblr in that chapter. I am also going to graduate from high school next month, which contributes to the overall feeling of a chapter of my life ending, and a new one beginning.
And thirdly, the death of Carrie Fisher on 27 December 2016 had a number of impacts on me. I cannot describe adequately in words how her death solidified my decision to leave Tumblr, but, perhaps, her death made me want to focus more on my life (I sound like my therapist…).
Speaking of my therapist, she was the first person that I told about my decision to leave Tumblr, and she has been supportive of it. I have sessions with her on a weekly basis, and I believe that she has helped me progress to a degree with my mental illnesses. I am currently being weaned off of my previous medications with the exception of Klonopin due to their ineffectiveness, and I will begin a new medication to replace them in mid–June. I will return to visiting my psychiatrist on a monthly basis in June (I canceled the appointments with him in February and March due to lack of means to get to his office, so I had not seen him since January when I had my most recent appointment with him in April). It has been difficult weaning off of my medications, but I believe that it is the right thing to do because the medications are ineffective (or, rather, not as effective as they should be). As I said in my “Year in Review” last year, I continue to hope for the progression of my mental illnesses, and I likewise hope that the new medication(s) that I will begin will aid in leading me there.
In my “Year in Review” for last year, I stated my intention to read all of Carrie Fisher’s books, and I reread “Postcards from the Edge” from its beginning in early January of this year (I began reading the book in spring 2014, but I did not finish it), and I watched the film adaptation starring Meryl Streep and Shirley MacLaine after I finished the book. The book and the film differed in certain areas, but I enjoyed both of them immensely. I received “Surrender the Pink,” “Delusions of Grandma,” and “The Best Awful” in late February (I received “The Princess Diarist” for Christmas, and I have owned “Wishful Drinking” and “Shockaholic” since 2011). I intend to read them during the summer. In addition to reading Carrie Fisher’s books during the summer, I intend to read (or, rather, finish, as I have already started reading it) “Go Ask Alice.” I watched several films in the past five months, including a “teen movie” spree a couple of weeks ago, during which I watched “Sixteen Candles,” “The Breakfast Club” (or, rather, re–watched the latter two), “Pretty in Pink,” “Heathers,” “Clueless,” “Romy and Michele’s High School Reunion” (or, rather, re–watched the latter), and “Jawbreaker.” I enjoyed all of them. As an aside to the topic at hand, I watched the anime series “Samurai Champloo” in January (I had wanted to watch it in September 2016, but I became too focused on other matters). I likewise enjoyed it immensely. After I have left Tumblr, I intend to return to “Sailor Moon: Crystal” in the summer.
In my “Year in Review” for last year, I stated that I intended to pen a letter to Carrie Fisher, and her mother, Debbie Reynolds, “for my own closure, if not for anything else,” and I finished the letter a few weeks ago. I began writing the letter on Ash Wednesday, 5 March 2017, but I stopped writing it for a reason that I cannot recall, and I began to rewrite the letter from the beginning — after I noticed the pages of the letter were bent — on Palm Sunday, 9 April 2017, and I finished the letter on 1 May 2017. I would like to say that I reached closure regarding her death through the completion of the letter, but my heart remains broken, and I anticipate that it will remain so for a while. I shared the letter with my brother, my therapist (who made several good points based on things I wrote in it), and I intend to share it with @lanaturners (Karen).
In late February 2017, my mother bought tickets for my brother and me for Stevie Nicks’ show in Baltimore, Maryland for the second leg of her 24 Karat Gold Tour. On 26 March 2017, I traveled to Baltimore, Maryland for the first time — dressed in my “Stevie attire,” my scarf, my shawl, my platform boots, and my jewelry — to attend the concert. I was disappointed to hear that The Pretenders would not be performing (I had looked forward to hearing “Hymn to Her,” as well as the rest of their opening act due to the fact that I had arrived in the midst of their performance during the concert on 14 November 2016), but I remained excited for the show. On 14 November 2016 — the day that I saw Stevie Nicks in concert in Washington, D.C. for the first leg of her 24 Karat Gold Tour — I wrote her a letter, which I intended to ask Mary Torrey to deliver to her if she would, based on advice I received from @crystallineknowledge (Danielle), However, I was unable to give my letter to Mary Torrey in Washington, D.C. due to several factors. @lanaturners (Karen), @crystallineknowledge (Danielle), and my therapist all encouraged me to ask Mary Torrey at this concert if she would deliver the letter to Stevie, and so I walked to the front after she came out from backstage, and I asked the security guard if I could ask Mary Torrey a question. A fellow security guard joined him, and the two informed her that I wanted to ask her a question (it occurred to me after I had sat down that I should have thanked the security guards, but the moment had passed, and I did not want to make the situation any more awkward), and I politely asked if she would not mind delivering my letter to Stevie, and she said that she did not mind “at all,” and I thanked her profusely, and I said that I was “eternally grateful” for her help in delivering my letter to Stevie, so that Stevie will know how much she and her music mean to me. Mary Torrey was kind and sweet, friendly and gracious, and I am eternally grateful to her. As I said to her, “Stevie and her music have saved my life.” After my success in delivering my letter to Mary Torrey, the night was destined to be amazing. The seats my brother and I had were in the fourth row (the tickets my mother, my brother, and I had for the concert on 14 November 2016 were in the twenty–third row). When Stevie came onstage, I was overcome with joy. I loved all of the songs in her set, but I particularly enjoyed hearing “Gypsy” (the second in my top three favorite songs of hers as a member of Fleetwood Mac), “Stand Back” — I wished again that I had enough space to twirl along with her! — “Gold Dust Woman” (as I said to my therapist, my experience during “Gold Dust Woman” was the most fun I had the entire night), “Edge of Seventeen,” “Rhiannon,” and “Landslide” (my favorite song of hers both as a member of Fleetwood Mac and as a solo artist). In addition to the successful delivery of my letter to Mary Torrey, the most exciting aspect of the experience — as it was at the concert on 14 November 2016 — was to be in the arena with Stevie Nicks, listening to her perform live and hearing her stories and advice between her songs. In addition to being a dream come true for a second time, it was an amazing experience that I will never forget. I intend to give an in–depth review of the concert to @lanaturners (Karen) and @crystallineknowledge (Danielle) soon.
As for my plans for the rest of the year after I have left Tumblr, I would like to attend the Holy Sacrifice of the Mass in the Extraordinary Form for the third time next month.
I intend to audition in July for the role of Mary Warren for my local community theater’s production of “The Crucible,” which will be performed in October. I do not know whether or not I will get the role due to my gender, as well as the fact that I am uncertain of my abilities as an actor, but @lanaturners (Karen) and my therapist have both encouraged me to do it, so I think that I will do it.
The most significant thing that I intend to do with the rest of my year is to continue writing my novel. After the death of Carrie Fisher on 27 December 2016, I was solidified in my decision to write a novel — which was an idea that I had been thinking about for a few months — that is based on my life, particularly my experiences with my mental illnesses, and that I would dedicate it to her. It is entitled “Out of the Depths” (Psalm 129:1), and the main character is Sara Reinhart, who is essentially me, but as a twenty–nine–(going–on–thirty)–year–old woman. I have written a few pages of the first chapter thus far, but I have also written a few pages that I intend to place in my second chapter, as well as the ending of my fourth chapter (I intend to have five chapters in my novel, as well as a prologue and an epilogue, based on “Postcards from the Edge”). My family has supported me (the Reinhart family is based on my own, and most of Sara’s experiences with her parents and siblings are based on experiences of mine with my parents and siblings), as has my therapist. I want to attempt to finish the novel by the end of the year.
When I spoke with my therapist about leaving Tumblr, I told her that I wanted to write a “pithy,” meaningful “farewell” text post for the friends that I am leaving on here, and the followers that read my posts (the lone follower of mine that read my posts will hopefully appreciate what I have to say). I want to say to the twelve year old boys, and girls, and boys that are mistaken for girls (I speak from experience…) that join Tumblr (as well as the ones that are already on Tumblr) to be kind to one another. Do not remain in friendships with people that do not respect you. I understand that it may be heartbreaking to end a friendship with someone with whom you are close, but it is not worth the anger, the resentment, and the hurt feelings to remain in a toxic friendship (again, I speak from experience…). Although I did not have the brick–and–mortar middle and high school experiences due to the fact that I attended cyber school from the fifth grade onwards, I did experience the fights, the popularity contests, the cliques, and the drama of Tumblr (which I admit that I participated in), and I want to say to those aforementioned twelve year olds to try to rise above it, and to be good people to one another. I realize that I sound more pretentious than anything else saying these things because I am only eighteen years old, and I have more learning to do for myself, but I am speaking from my experiences on Tumblr, and if my advice based on my experiences can help one person (I doubt such a person exists, but just in case…), then it is worthwhile. In conclusion, be good people to one another. Be loving. Be understanding. Be compassionate. Be kind. Watch movies (specifically, classic movies). Listen to music (specifically, Judy Garland, Liza Minnelli, and Stevie Nicks). Read (specifically, Carrie Fisher). I am biased perhaps on the latter five recommendations, but I recommend them regardless. During her concert in Baltimore, Maryland on 26 March 2017, Stevie Nicks said (I am paraphrasing as I cannot recall her words exactly, and there is no video of the speech as far as I know), “Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t cute enough, beautiful enough, talented enough, good enough.” I interpreted “anyone” as including one’s self, and, as someone with low self–esteem who does not believe that they are “good enough,” her words were words that I needed to hear, and that I need to remember, and I wanted to share them with others who are like myself. And to those of you — twelve years old, and otherwise — who are mentally ill — specifically, OCD, GAD, MDD, &c. — I know that our journey is difficult, but we must continue onwards. We must not let our mental illnesses win. We must rise above them as we must rise above the hatred, the ignorance, and the meanness, and be good to ourselves and to one another.
As I have expressed many times over the years (I usually expressed this to myself, but I did say it to others a few times), I do not intend to delete my Tumblr after I leave, but I will simply leave my Tumblr inactive.
Thank you all for the memories, the fun, the love, the support, and the friendship that you all have shown me for the past seven years.
And now I’m off to see what’s over the rainbow…
