Orphan tweets

Text of joke tweets that no longer have an account. I claim no credit for making the jokes, this is just an archive. DM me screenshots you'd like included

[orphan-tweets]

@novixv

No America, I didn't get you anything for your birthday this year. Look at how the fuck you've been behaving.

[orphan-tweets]

[Image description Tweet from @liv_thatsme "What if Gandalf were a real guy, and not just in the bible?"]

[orphan-tweets]

[Image description Tweet from @joelmuchai "When someone out of your league starts flirting with you." Attached image is of a person sticking their tongue out at an uncomfortable-looking statue of Gollum from Lord of the Rings.]

[orphan-tweets]

[Image description Tweet from @trgrrl "the story so far: george lucas made a film in 1977 titled "star wars" with the help of many talented VFX artists and editors. this has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad idea."]

[orphan-tweets]

[Image description Tweet from @devonpalmers "Well I officially just got layed off of my job at Redbox so Im finally allowed to say yes there is a person inside the Redbox I was one of them and I loved it"]

[orphan-tweets]

@420hoseokfucker

me reading academic journals; God this sucks when do they kiss

[orphan-tweets]

@LangdonHickman

a whip is just a boneless sword. none of you will rt this because you are cowards that hate god

[orphan-tweets]

[orphan-tweets]

@mutablejoe

the idea that the "ideal beach body" just means being thin or buff is so unimaginative, surely the ideal beach body would have a powerful lobster claw, arm flaps to act as a windbreak and a sand repellent anus

[orphan-tweets]

@kierongillen

I wish medusa would stop objectifying people.

[orphan-tweets]

@GuacamoleJesus

ME WITH MAKE-UP: hot, sexy, fun, popular

ME WITHOUT MAKEUP: the setting is Paris in 1813. I am an old wrinkled hunchback beggar with a wooden leg. My hair is full of spiders. Noblemen spit on me.

[orphan-tweets]

Somebody once told me in the middle of a huge machine gun battle that I always emphasize the boring parts of anecdotes, which made me sad.

[orphan-tweets]

@therealeatwood

What's with this dude that keeps saying "Turn around" in "Total Eclipse of the Heart"? Man, shut the fuck up, she's trying to sing a song.

[orphan-tweets]

@therealestwood

[Changes Siri to male]

ME: Siri, tell me the

MALE SIRI: Listen, here's what you need to know.

ME: I...

MALE SIRI: Excuse me, I'm speaking

[orphan-tweets]

@novixv

[first lumberjack meeting]

Guy 1: “What should we yell when we cut down a tree?”

Guy 2: “Clear the way?”

Guy 3: “The tree is falling now!”

Tim Burr: “I have an idea…”

[orphan-tweets]

@crushingbort

hmm well I'd say I'm fiscally conservative but socially very liberal. the problems are bad but their causes...their causes are very good

[orphan-tweets]

@therealeatwood

MOSES: Why not a commandment against rape or slavery?

GOD: Sorry, had to be ten.

MOSES: Literally three of them just say that you're God.