Ortilano

The shallows and the deeps

[ortilano]

Pangapat

Kanina habang ako ay naglalakbay at nakatitig sa aking patutunguhan, biglang dumalaw ka sa aking isipan. Kaya pinagdasal kita sa Panginoon na tulungan ka at ibangon ka. Habang ikinikwento kita sa Kanya, may sinabi siya sa akin pabalik. “Anak, habang naghahanda kansa iyong magandang kasal, ihahanda kita sa buhay pagkatapos ng kasal”. Ngayon malinaw na ang lahat kung bakit natin to dinaanan. Bukod sa pinakilala Niyang muli kung sino nga ba talaga siya, sinagot din niya ang tanong na bakit?

Patuloy akong magdarasal at kakausapin Siya hanggang sa makita mo rin ang nakikita ko. Mas maniniwala ako sa sasabihin Niya, kaysa sa lahat ng naririnig at nakikita ko. Kaya Mahal, tahan na. Magiging maayos din ang lahat. Bagamat di pa man malinaw ang lahat sa mga mata mo, hayaan mo lang at ipapakita niya sa iyo ang bukas na nilaan niya para sayo.

[ortilano]

Pangatlo

Nanghihina...

Nanghihina ang katawan ko. Wala akong tulog. Halos di ako makakain. Wala akong oras maghanda ng makakain. Wala din akong oras kumain. Ako ay nag-aayuno para mas makita ko ang Panginoon. Para ipagdasal ka na makita mo ang mga pangako niya. Para muli kang buuin at patuloy na pagpalain pa.

Nanghina si inay. Nung sinabi ko na wala na tayo, di ko mahugot sa aking puso ang mga tamang salita para kumalma si ina. Di ko kayang sabihin na ang dahilan ng lahat ay ang aking nakaraan. Kaya kong sabihin ito sa iba, pero hindi kay ina. “Anak bakit ka ganyan?” Yan ang ikinakatakot ko na marinig. Takot akong itakwil ng mga taong mahahalaga saakin. Takot akong iwanan ng mga taong pinaniniwalaan kong minamahal ako.

Nanghihina ka ngayon. Nanghihina ang iyong spiritual na katawan. Ang dami mong agam-agam. Tinatanong mo malamang ang Panginoon. Puro na lang ba sakit? Puro na lang ba kalungkutan?

Nanghihina ka man ngayon, nanghihina man ang pisikal ko na katawan, pero hindi ang pananampalataya ko sa Kanya. Ako ay nananalig at naniniwala na ikaw at ako pa rin sa huli. Ang pangako ng Panginoon ay hindi nagbabago. Hindi nawawala. At habang buhay na totoo. Kakapit ako kahit gusto mo ng bumitaw. Hahabulin kita, kahit gusto mo ng tumakbo. Hahanapin kita kahit gusto mo ng magtago. Ang pagmamahal ko sayo ay di magpapatinag. Dahil ang pagmamahal na ito ay galing sa Panginoon.

[ortilano]

A letter to God

Lord today I woke up with the feeling of rejection. The feeling that no one will ever love and accept me because of my bitter past. I know Lord that I have sinned against you, disobeyed you when you were rebuking me, and forgot you when I was happy. But Lord, you’ve reminded me that you will always love me despite of who I was and despite of all the sins that I’ve done. Your Love is eternal. A love that will always satisfy us. A love that will never change regardless of what we do. Today Lord, I’m surrendering once again my life to you. Let this be a public declaration that I am yours to command. You have full sovereignty in my life. God thank you for being my God. Thank you for being the ever powerful and merciful God. Thank you for being a loving God. I will always be grateful with you my God. Truly in times of suffering, you reveal yourself to us in ways that we don’t see before. You will always be my God. I will worship you. I will praise you. I will speak your word to the broken hearted. Let this be a testimony of a broken hearted being sent to the broken to speak for the Lord. Truly God loves the broken hearted. All praise and glory is your Oh Lord.

[ortilano]

Pangalawa

Sobrang mahal na mahal kita buddy. Sa totoo lang ang sakit ng puso ko ngayon. Literal. I pray that the Lord will restore us and heal us from these pain.

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Isa

Kanina nagdecide ako na dapat malaman mo na lahat ng lihim ko sa buhay dahil ayaw ko na ng may tinatago ako sayo. Kahit sobrang bigat at alam kong pwede mo akong iwan, ginawa ko pa rin dahil yun ang tama at ayaw ko na ng may lihim sayo.

Ayaw ko na na mabuhay ng mali. Yung pilit na may tinatago sayo. Dahil alam ko sa loob ko na sobrang bigat ng may di ako maamin sayo.

Patawad aking mahal kung nagkamali man ako sa panahon ng kabataan ko. Nung mga panahon na naliligaw ako, nung mga panahon na ka-isa ako sa mundo. Patawad mahal. Sana mapatawad mo ako. Hihintayin kita. At susuyuin kita. Kahit ano pang sabihin ng iba. Maghihintay ako. Patawad mahal.

[ortilano]

Pamana ni ina

Siguro kung may namana ako kay ina, yun yung pagiging paulit-ulit at makulit. Ngayon naintindihan ko na kung bakit. Dahil gusto ko ng sigurado. Ayaw ko ng walang kasiguraduhan kung anong gagawin. Gaya ngayon. Ang aga ko nagising. Nakaligo na din ako. Nakabihis na. Sa totoo lang di rin ako natulog. Pero ayun, magbihis na uli ako ng pambahay. Dapat tinanong ko kagabi kung sigurado ba.

[ortilano]

Antok kaibiganin mo ako

Siguro may mali nga sakin. Galing nako dito, pero bakit nandito ako uli? Yung mundo na akala kong sobrang saya, may bahid din pala ng mundong pinanggalingan ko. Nakakalungkot. Pero ganun talaga, wala naman perpektong relasyon. Baka nga ako yung may depekto? Madalas, sa aking kagustuhan na makatulong nasasagasaan ko na yung mga bagay na di ko naman dapat daanan. Babalik ba ako sa dating ako? Bakit parang may mga panahon na magisa nanaman ako? Mali ba yung mga ginugusto ko sa buhay? Sa totoo lang, di ko alam kung ano bang dapat kong ayusin. Kung titingnan ko yung dating ako, malayo nako dun. Wala nakong kinakausap na kung sino-sino. Hindi na rin ako sanay mag-isa. Lahat ng salitang bibitawan, kailangan natimbang na. Nakakatakot magkamali.

Makulit daw ako. Ang hirap alisin sa sistema ko yung kinalakihan ko. Sanay kasi akong ayusin o gawin ora mismo yung mga dapat gawin. I treat everything with urgency. I want to settle issues right away. But this is not what she wants. She prefers to sleep with all this thoughts running crazy in my head. I wish sleep can be my bestfriend in cases like this. I wish I can just close my eyes with my heavy heart and just dream of random things.

September 8 ngayon (actually September 9 na). Death anniversary ni lolo. Nalulungkot ako. Natatakot ako. Natatakot ako sa mga panaginip ko. Mga panaginip na laging may kasamang kamatayan.

Magisa ako ngayon. Antok kaibiganin mo ko. Sa mga panahon na mag-isa nako at wala nakong makausap, hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko. Ang layo ko na sa dating ako. Wala naman makaka-intindi sa akin kundi ako lang.

Ilang araw na lang, kaarawan ko na. Pero parang di nanaman ako masaya. Anong regalo nga ba ang gusto ko? Isang araw na walang pagkakamali, isang araw na walang kasungitan, isang araw na walang mabibigat na salita, isang araw na payapa lang. Gusto ko ng kasama ngayon. Antok kaibiganin mo ako.

Ang gulo ng mga sinulat ko. Pero gusto ko lang ilabas ang lahat ng nararamdaman ko dahil wala naman taong sasalo ng lahat ng ito.

Nasaan kana panahon ng tamis at saya? Nasaan kana antok? Nasaan kana mahal? Bakit magisa nanaman ako?

[ortilano]

How did we grew up so fast in six months?

We took the big step forward and now I’m just too excited to see the future with you. Although the road won’t be a short one, I pray that we have a fruitful and joyful ride together. There will be a lot of challenges ahead. But with God by our side, we are secured and justified.

Kailangan na natin mas magtipid pa. Hahaha 🏠

[ortilano]

How can I deserve something like this?

“To the most responsible bf ever,

Thank you for always being the God given instrument to calm me when I feel crazy over my situation. And for reminding me always, of how powerful prayer is, when things seem so impossible to go through. Thank you for inspiring me to move forward in times that I'm really demotivated. Thank you for being my instant cure whenever I am having an emotional breakdown. I really appreciate you, I appreciate not just the idea but also the reality of having you as my bestfriendxboyfriend. I love you, and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life kasama ka at si Lord as our great wing man.

Love,

Vanessa “

[ortilano]

(Transferring it here) Akala ko sobrang kilala na kita. I never knew that you can really cook. I thank God for blessing you with your cooking skills that can satisfy my picky taste. I thank you for making me food most of the time. Ikaw na namomroblema sa pagkain ko. Haha Ps: sasabihin mo nanaman na ang pangit mo sa picture na to. Pinili ko talaga yan. I just want to make a point that a photo can still look good, regardless of the background, if the subject is beautiful. Di ko nga napansin kaagad yung background eh.

[ortilano]

Sleepless

So for a week now, my body clock was a mess. I didn’t have a decent sleep for days now. A four hour straight sleep is already a blessing. I wasn’t able to follow my usual routine for I sleep late and wake up late. I’m feeling weak everytime I wake up. Maybe it’s my body adjusting to the changes. Maybe I need to sleep on a dark room.

I’m starting to feel those random heart sting once again. Maybe I should stop eating fatty foods. To be honest, I’m afraid to sleep alone. Fearing that tomorrow I may not wake up. My body is tired. I need to sleep badly. But the worst part is, I made you mad. I’m sorry for bossing you tonight. It’s not my intention to order you. Believe me. I don’t even want you to work in my room. To make it even worse, I fell asleep when I shouldn’t. I woke up alone. I was looking for you. Suddenly I felt so lonely once again. Random thoughts are creeping my mind. I don’t think that I’ll sleep again tonight. I’m sorry my love. If you only knew what’s going on with my sleep maybe you’ll understand better. I’m sorry for this very wrong timing. I know that you are in the peak of your emotions. I’m sorry for hurting you once again. If ever I fall asleep tonight, I hope that I wake up next to you. I know that this may not happen for that’s how I know the old you. But I’ll still hope that you do.

I’ll close my eyes now and pretend that I’m sleeping. It will be even harder to sleep but I do deserve all of this.

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You are the loveliest in my eyes and I will tell you how much beautiful you are until you finally believe me.

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How can one simple gesture from you turn my bad mood around?

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I is the most selfish word to say.

These is one of those times that I really hated myself for being insensitive with my words. I hate to see you hurt. I hate myself for making you cry for my senseless thoughts. Your feelings matters the most.

I’m sorry for being so selfish. For considering my feelings more than yours. To be loved by you is a privilege. Who am I to make those precious tears fall? I really don’t deserve you. I can’t sleep for my conscience is killing me. You are too kind to say that you are OK but I know that you aren’t.

I’m so sorry for telling you to leave me when you see me dragging you to depravity. I’m too naive to even demand something so foolish from you when I should be begging for you to stay.

And yet you stayed... I hope that you will stay even if I’m bringing you to no good. Please be patient with me for I will be always a work in progress. I hope that the day will come when I can finally say that I deserve you with all my heart. For right now you are a star in my sky while I’m just a dust that makes you cry.

[ortilano]

“In just a finger snap the plot of the story changed. In less than 3 months both Confidantes became Lead Characters of a wonderful story”...

Probably this is the greatest plot twist in my life, where in the person that I used to consult about my Valentine’s day shenanigans will also be the girl that I’ll be putting more effort on, just to see that bright smile of hers.

Yes, it was less than 3 months since We both crossed that bridge together. But see, in the past 3 months God has manifested His great works for us, giving us all the signs that we asked for and taking all the burden away from us. I can’t thank God more than enough for making all of this happen. Hence, I promise that I’ll be taking care of His princess and promise to treat her as my queen.

We are both strong individually, but together we are as stronger. You can depend on me as I depend on you. I will love you, every inches of you (that’s not a lot of inches literally 😂).

Finally, I understand what loving someone from God’s love really means. It is a love that will never cease. A love that won’t burn you with all your efforts. A love that unconditionally makes me seek the happiness of my other half.

Wow! I’ve have mentioned God many times in this entry. But I’m not ashamed or will ever be ashamed about God. For He has answered all of our prayers, hence our story started.

Let this be the first to many of those plot twists and happy moments together. I’ll never get tired of being with you. For you bring peace in my train of thoughts and you bring joy to my loner kid inside.

[ortilano]

Dance slowly

January 27

Have you ever felt like dancing slowly while listening to a song as you embrace someone?

I did.

It was the first time that I danced with someone as if the world is slowly revolving around us. While every lyrics and melodies plays in our ears, all the stars in the sky started to fall as I fall deeper and deeper into you. All the butterflies are suddenly in my stomach as if they were trying to lift me up. Euphoria is such a cheap word. Joy is underrated.

Who would have thought that this will happen to us? If this is just a dream, I don’t ever wanna wake up. But this is not just a dream and this is better than every dreams to come.

“At nakita kita sa tagpuan ni Bathala”

[ortilano]

I’ve seen your worst and I thought that you were the best.