my name is Jayden, and my heart is torn.
for months there has been unrest and pain and aching and tears and it all hurts. i don’t know if this is the lowest of lows but it is not a good feeling. maybe i need to feel this to feel good about the highs. maybe.
2 people are there. waiting. waiting for me to choose. i tried to make sure we’re all on the same page - why me?? what is so special, what is so interesting, what keeps you here? i’ve lied and cheated and caused so much heartache, and yet you see the good in me somehow. both of you.
knowing me, how do i choose between something that’s been established and worked on... and something new that exhilarates me and has my unending curiosity. i want to see what that’s about. but i also want to be secure. i don’t know if i’ll ever be able to feel like how i was last Christmas. simply in love and bliss and grounded in your clarity and beautiful mind. i want that so badly, but the strings of Lisa are tugging hard. looking into her eyes with the concentration of a surgeon and trying to imagine a world with her- a wedding, adventures, our friends meeting your friends. it’s a little difficult to see that with her.. my friends are used to you. my friends like you, and constantly tell me how much they like you. but i want them to see her too.
she’s outgoing when comfortable, friendly, compassionate as hell and so understanding. she’s gorgeous, strong in her love, loyal, and dedicated to her goals - even when she’s still trying to figure out her goals. her mind is interesting in that she knows more than most the dynamics of love and relationships.i get lost in her nutella eyes. it’s hard not to show affection, for us both. but is this just infatuation? we meet with strong physical attraction, but we haven’t really developed a strong emotional connection based on a solid foundation of friendship.. but i know we can if we try. we have had many adventures - events, hikes, small hangouts with friends. we haven’t ever really gotten started on a serious romantic footing because of my situation. i guess i’m just curious to see what that would be like. and that curiosity is heavy.
heavy enough to match what you’ve done for me. how you constantly give me clarity in my mind. how you challenge my views by introducing yours. how you bring about a me that i have not seen before. you’ve saved me from a terrible episode and you helped prevent another one shortly thereafter. you have your own place now, and i keep wanting to hangout there and see Riley and chill with Grace and see how much happier you are when you don’t have your parents breathing down your neck. it’s insane how well you can layout my options in front of me because i have such trouble spelling things out for myself. your mind is just incredible, and if i’m able to find a romantic partner with that.. what the hell is holding me back??
is it really just the attraction i have to her?? i hate comparing so much but it’s hard talking to her sometimes because conversations don’t go as deep as i’d like and i feel like it’s just because you’ve experienced more, you’ve done more and you’ve had years to soak in thoughts and organize them while she..
she still has along road in front of her. she still has things to figure out.. but i want to be there for her whens he does.
for a long time, i measured how much i was over someone by imagining them with someone else. if i could see an SO with someone else kissing, being pleasured, posting pictures on social media, and NOT be phased by it.. i feel like i could be over them.
with you.. i want to say i’m okay with it..
with her.. i want to say i’m kind of not.
And I guess a lot of it is because you’ve told me and proven to me that you don’t give in to sex so easily. and that’s... that’s something i’ve loved about you. i threw sex around like it was nothing and here you are keeping it something special. not that it isn’t special to me, but i feel like it’s desensitized to me a bit.
and she’s been through the same road i have. multiple partners and flings and such. i feel like i’m more bothered by her being with someone else because i know she’ll probably end up doing it with someone else much quicker than you would. and that’s fucking stupid reason.
why can’t i be like you when you tell me you just want to see me happy. this whole entire thing is my fault because i wanted to see people be sad over not having me. my ego is so fucking stupid. i tell myself be humble but i throw a fit when you’re attempting to date again? what the fuck, Jayden.
this is a big realization from when i was on the phone with you last night. you told me you don’t care what choice i make, you truly only want to see me be happy with whatever and have no ragrets. you telling me that alone made me want to go with you. but again, the strongs of Lisa pull me into her eyes and her voice and everything that gets me weak.
maybe this is a battle between the emotion and the physical. emotionally, i’m with you. because we’ve worked on it. well, not rly because we’ve always been able to talk and share our thoughts so well with each other. so much so, that i find myself actually fucking tell her “you need to ask more about me”. what the hell. but i’m also attracted to you physically..
physically, i’m more with her. but i guess not by a lot. just felt nice with her. felt like something i’ve wanted or longed for.
and i hate to say that. maybe i feel inclined to be with her BECAUSE i feel guilty that her looks are a huge factor in this. if that’s the case, maybe i already know my choice..
but i guess it’s not just that. it’s her affection. her sweetness. her own longing for something sweet that makes me want to fulfill that. my longing to be the light in someone’s life. You always told me you were already really happy and content before meeting me, and i just made that feeling better. But she said she was just okay with life before meeting me. i don’t know if that’s me thinking, “i can really make a difference for her”. me wanting to be the knight in shining armor. me wanting to feel like i’m worth something because i have felt for a long time that i’m not.
all my thinking... points to you. i’m connected to you emotionally, attracted to you physically, bonded to you spiritually.. so why do i want to go the other way? it’s always been like that. even since last summer. everything in the world pointed to staying away from you. i wasn’t ready. i had just gotten out of a long term relationship. and i just decided anyway to go for you. to pursue you. and pursue you hard. when you were at a stage where the wounds were still fresh from your past relationship. i felt like all the signs in the world said no, but i said i didn’t believe in signs. maybe this is the same thing. where all the signs point to you, but here i am saying no again...
but where has that brought me?? happiness, fulfillment, satisfaction, pain, heartache, anger..
full spectrum?! should i just go with what i somewhat feel and what the rest of the world feels? or should i continue my rebellious action even though i don’t know why i rebel in the first place.. or if i even have a solid reason to rebel other than “don’t tell me what to do” haha. what the hell is going on with me.
maybe this entire passage... i put “you” as you and “her as her”.. because it’s an apology for being so hesitant despite how much you’ve done for me. i see a future with you. and it is so bright. and with her i feel like it’s not as bright... only because i don’t have an idea of what she’s like. i haven’t connected with her family or her friends, nor has she connected with mine. it’s not as bright because we just haven’t established that foundation, as mentioned before. i’m scared if we get together.. if my friends will like her, how they’ll feel about me not going with you. i guess that’s a fear - but i should realize what she told me, “this isn’t their relationship.” and it’s not.
think i’ve gone on for a while haha. glad to have my thoughts all out on here. if you’re reading this.. and we aren’t together right now.. i truly believe we can make it work. just.. not right now. you were right in how off our timelines were. i pray that if circumstances become different, i would love so much to try again. i just feel like my heart wouldn’t be in it if we did try again now. you said “either stop talking now, or stop talking later”. i don’t want to stop talking either way..