I live my life now live yours...

Sverige Jägermeister MLP Love for hurts.

[osirisosept]

Im depressed... for the first time has alcohol "helpt"... just watching horror flics trying to feel something. Im so lost... ive started to get help but.. what will it do? It wont solve anything and pills will just push my problems forward... i believe i can feel happiness but the moments are just so... so... i lost so mutch of my progress... i want to do stuff but its all so far away... i want to sleep and never wake up but the day can bring a solution... i need something to believe in. To work for, to struggle with, to complain about.. i dont know how to feel normal.. i never did.. i never have.. the only thing i know is how to be weird.. and i feel some form of.. me in it all? Yet.. its not truly me... i dont think thers just one me... i think im split. One part in the back of my head screaming for to be seen and heard. I dont know... i solve problems but my own are a puzzle i cant handle... or work with... one day i might read this and pity myself... or never see these words agen.

[osirisosept]

My cat, my cat oh my cat. How sudden you were taken from me. My little princess... my friend and dear family member... i couldnt be there when your final breath was taken... your last purr spun. When i come home youl be ash in a box but not suffering anymore. The pain i feel will ease but i dont want it to for it is the love for you that i fear to loose. Im so faar away and i dont know if i can forgive myself for not beeing there with you... i allways have... But your memory lives on. In my heart, soul and minde.

Min Maja Paja. May you forever rest in peace ❤️

[osirisosept]

Fuck this site just makes me wanna slit my wrists in a nostalgic way ❤️

[osirisosept]

Finaly found myself a nice dress for my skeleton! Made a crown and gown and some decorations. Might ad more.

[osirisosept]

Finaly found myself a nice dress for my skeleton! Made a crown and gown and some decorations. Might ad more.

[osirisosept]

One day all our papers will be burnt.

[osirisosept]

Fuck, i keep doing stuff and projects keeping myself buissy, accomplich things and yet my depression linger... now it feels like its staring me in the face. I never watch movies cus it brings out the feelings and lonelyness. But when im down i do... is it to cope? Is the feeling what i have pent up? Why do i allways fix things. Why cant i leave stuff alone? Why does it feel like my insanity is seeping thru and im patching it whith whatever? In my fantasies i allways have way for my emotions, allways a right... my own "perfect" world where i can feel pain... and sorrow as its ment. Allways with the why. I dont feel right for this.. for any of this. I can create so mutch but inside of me i want to destroy... to hurt.. cus i know I... I will hurt. Emotionally... to feel. To be overcomb by emotipns. To feel it thru out my body. So many times. Thoughts of cutting myself open. To cut of pieces. To acomplish what im afraid of. To grow old. To die... it scares me.. so.. so mutch..

I want to cry. The tears are there... but seldom does they fall... had one tonight.. the shock surprised me and it all ended.. allways gets ready for the next trope.. the next piece of work, project, sister drama.... im not alone... but.. i need someone to connect my brain to. Someone that can eaven out... something. I dont know what it is... im allways working alone.. allways have and does... but i know i need someone more in my life. I cant go back to before. Ive come so far.. so so far.. being here is a warning sign... typing this is a warning sign.. but every warning has a action to avoid failiure... what do i do. What will i think up of doing...

[osirisosept]

Will i remember this night amongst the many nigts...

[osirisosept]

Im finally alone.. in my house. Dad has ben forced out. Ive been goin at it like an animal to fix him a new apartment, move his stuff, organise everything but the biggest mountain to moove was his addiction he blames me for. Ive done it.. im finnaly at the goal line. I see my house with new eyes. Time for a family.

[osirisosept]

My motto has allways been "There is allways someone having it worse than you.". It brings me some peace. And horror to how mutch worse it csn be..

Dying Out of Sight: Hikikomori in an Aging Japan - NHK Documentary

[Skip Intro] 00:04Watch more documentaries on NHK WORLD-JAPAN:https://www3.nhk.or.jp/nhkworld/en/ondemand/category/15/?cid=wohk-yt-2207-dyin

[osirisosept]

Morning in Sweden. My atempt to spend the night in my clothes was a success. If only my body could have relaxed enough to sleep. Anyway, ended up putting my thick blanket under my trench coat to make it be still and my tarp as a cover to keep more warmth in. No condensation. Well not an excessive amount anyway. Soon brakefaust.

[osirisosept]

There are memories here. Mostly good.

[osirisosept]

Im at the hospital... drove here myself... it was weird and terrefying to do. But im not here for my sake. Im here to get my dad who have been waiting for transport for 9 hrs. They dont have that service anymore. Like covid is over. Anyway. I hope we survive the trip home. Feelin high and have "pulses" of... feeling? Dont know. And i have my normal stress feeling but its... under my skin.. barely emiting just enough so i notice it. Barely any adrenalin taste in my mouth. Its so weird..

[osirisosept]

Im my dads son allright. Caught it too.

[osirisosept]

At the emergency with my dad. Every morning i make breakfast for us, waking him up after getting the newspaper. Every morning i stand outside his door. Waiting to hear something. A million thougts rumbling around. But one thougt is the loudest. Is this the day. Is this the day i say my usual phrase. Is this the day i dont get an answer or a movement for the first... 16 years... Hes getting older and older. Hes body goes weaker. But his will and temper is still active and strong. I help him with everything. This man has brought me down and damaged me so mutch. Still here i am. Just got confirmation on covid suspicion. He got it. Il test myself tomorrow.

[osirisosept]

One of my pigeons died tonight. Björna. She had damaged something conected to her left wing causing troubble breathing, and tonight she drew her last breath lying in my palms. I didnt have her for long but still.

[osirisosept]

#lollipop