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otomozaku

Mar 12, 2022

moved-to-roxyrotica

❁ blooming panic headcanons; do you love me? (they think their attraction is one-sided)

» support bloomic & robobarbie here! ; ✾ || ✾

characters included ; nightowl, quest, xyx, nakedtoaster + onion & june

tags ; angst, it’s not actually one-sided, mutual pining, gender neutral reader

author’s note ; angst! :D anyways I’ve decided to keep adding onion and june from here on forward! Onion purely out of obligation, but June because I adore her. I want more june content— send all june content my way! I love her more than anything <3 anywaysss! enjoy the angst! :)

❀ Nightowl ;

— Nightowl smiles softly at your messages of encouragement in your private channel. He responds with his usual cheery gratitude before letting out a soft sigh. You were always so kind to him— to everyone in the server. He liked you and had for a long time. He looked forward to every call, every text, every photo that you’d send his way. He was head over heels for you, but would you really ever pick someone like him? Would you ever love someone like him?

— After all, he had quite the possessive streak. He was the jealous type— not to mention clingy, overly affectionate— and he wasn’t some fancy STEM major like some of the other server members were. He was far from perfect. He wanted to be someone you deserved— wanted to be someone you’d give your attention to, but alas, he was almost certain that you didn’t like him. You saw him platonically. It’d never shift into the affection he wanted it to be.

— He put his head down as he set his status to offline. They were having a group call— you’d be there, but he didn’t want to be dragged into it. Not tonight— he couldn’t. He knew that those ugly feelings of jealousy would return. He’d see you smile at the others, show them the same care you showed him, all while he had to wait and wonder what it’d be like to be yours. He felt tears well up, not out of sadness, but frustration. Why couldn’t he just tell you? At least if he got rejected— maybe he could move on.

— If he heard it from you himself that he didn’t have a chance, it’d be painful. But at least he could stop entertaining the possibility— finally stop wishful thinking, mindlessly hoping that one day you’d be his. But as far as he was concerned, he was far too anxious to ever directly say that he liked you. Scared of the rejection he might face— scared to face the potential reality of you not feeling the same for him.

— He hoped that you’d understand his advances— pleaded that the flirting and compliments and pet names would get through to you. Maybe he’d get lucky and you would reciprocate— return the flirting and the pet names— give him the confidence he needed to confess to you. Because in a world where you did return his teasing and hapless flirting, he’d be more confident that you liked him and wanted to be with him— he’d feel it mutually between you both.

— But that was but a distant daydream. He couldn’t even begin to fathom a guess as to how he’d ever manage to get over you. You treated him like a friend. Just a friend. The tears continued to slip as he groaned out of pure frustration, wanting so badly for someone to tell him he was gonna be okay. Usually that person was you, but he couldn’t bring himself to ask for your support. Not when it was you he’d be talking about. Not when it’s you he’s desperately pining after.

— He has to settle with accepting the fact that you’ll never love him. And that he may never be able to bring himself to confess to you. The thought alone makes him wanna break— but for the time being, there wasn’t much he could do.

— If only Nightowl could see. If only he could’ve seen the way your face fell when you joined the call only to find him absent. If only he realized that you’d only wanted to join in order to spend time with him. Perhaps if he saw the way your smile fell in his absence, the questions you asked regarding where he was and if he was okay— maybe then he’d know. He’d know that you loved him just as much as he loved you.

— You just didn’t know how to express that to him.

❀ Quest ;

— Quest glanced at your icon, still offline. It wasn’t a shock or anything considering that you were working, but he so desperately wanted you to come online. You always brightened up his day every time you both talked and he always found himself like this. Waiting for you to come online so he could talk to you— ask you about your day, get your mind off of your many stresses of daily life. You always expressed so much appreciation to him for his help in comforting you, but he was more than happy to do so.

— He loved you and if his conversation, presence and company could help you destress— he’d drop everything in a heartbeat, fly out and spend an entire day with you if he could. But he never told you. Not yet, at least. He wasn’t entirely sure how you felt about him. For the most part, you’ve shown him kindness, always remained non-judgmental of others, and did everything you could to reciprocate the support he gave so freely to you.

— But you were like that with everyone. Your messages to all of your friends in the server were punctuated with hearts, filled with compliments and support. Was he special? Did you do something differently with him that you didn’t do with anyone else? If you did, he never noticed. Besides, what reason did you have to like him? He wasn’t exactly the best role model. He was an ex-felon, working some dead-end job. He didn’t have much of a social life outside of the server and if he wasn’t moderating the server or on call with you, he was working his ass off.

— What did he bring to the table that’d make him attractive in your eyes? You were genuine— a responsible, intelligent, loving and admirable person that deserved the absolute best. Could Quest really be that for you…? He highly doubted it. Usually he’d go for what he wanted— just directly say to you that he loved you and wanted to be with you— but he was afraid. What if he lost you?

— He already had something so special with you. An intimate bond— a close friendship. Was it really worth risking just to see if his romantic attraction was reciprocated? Would you really give him the time of day or even consider him as a partner? He had no clue. He wanted to keep a positive mindset and tell himself that it would be worth it— that any response would be better than never knowing if you felt the same. Anything would be better than finding out he had a chance, but didn’t take it. But he couldn’t. He typed it out countless times, but never quite got the courage to hit the send button. In every call with you— the words got caught in his throat. He just couldn’t.

— He knew that he’d eventually have to accept that he couldn’t confess. He couldn’t be with you. You didn’t feel the same adoration he did. One day he’d have to grow to be okay with that fact. No matter how much it hurt— no matter how much he wanted you to be his angel, as long as he couldn’t say the words, it’d never happen. With a sigh, he went offline. He didn’t want to think about it— he wanted to think of anything else.

— What he didn’t realize was that on your side of the screen, your face had fallen seeing him go offline just as you had gone online. You had been planning to ask him to call— a confession written on paper that you had been rehearsing for what felt like forever. You were finally going to tell him how much you adored his kindness and gentle nature— but he went offline before you could even ask. You sighed and folded up the paper.

— Oh well. Maybe it was a sign. The universe telling you that it wasn’t a good idea— wasn’t reciprocated. That wouldn’t stop you. Hopefully tomorrow would be better. Hopefully, you’d be able to tell Quest what you’ve been feeling for so long. And maybe if you were lucky, he’d accept with that same, warm smile you were so used to.

❀ Xyx ;

— Xyx gave a small smirk and made a quiet comment before leaving the call with you. He let his facade fall and sighed, leaning back in his chair and covering his face. Did you notice him staring at you through the camera? Did you see the slight flush of his cheeks when you complimented him? Did you realize that he spent the entire call biting his tongue— holding back from letting all of his emotions spill?

— Next time, he told himself, next call— he’d definitely tell you how he felt. He’d sweep you off your feet and his desperate pining would be history. At least, that’s what he hoped for. That’s what he’d been longing for.

— He moved his hands from his face as he felt a familiar, fluffy weight in his lap and he looked at Cat. Their tail swished behind them, watching Xyx carefully as if they knew that he’d, once again, backed out from confessing to you. He rolled his eyes lightly and smiled.

— “Don’t look at me like that! I’ll… I’ll tell them soon. I swear it, Cat. I just…” He trailed off, a distant look in his eyes. The same question had been ringing in his mind for… who knows how long now. Since he first started liking you, maybe? The question of if you even felt the same or not. Yes, he could flirt all he wanted— keep up a suave disposition, but when it came to actually sitting down and talking to you about his deepest, genuine affections that he held for you? That was an entirely different story.

— You were the first person he opened up to. The first that he shared his intimate, dark thoughts with. You were the first one that he could truly be himself around. He could be upset, happy, pissed, depressed— it didn’t matter. You’d be there with a smile on your face, ready to listen, support, distract— whatever Xyx needed. He felt it was only natural that he fell in love with you. You were incredibly thoughtful and non-judgmental. He felt comfortable around you. He felt like he could be himself in your presence.

— He’d been planning on confessing for what felt like weeks now— but every time he came close, your eyes would meet through the screen and he’d slip up— letting out some last minute joke instead of the confession he wanted so desperately to give. He just couldn’t. Because what if you didn’t feel the same about him? What if the feeling wasn’t even the slightest bit mutual and you only viewed him in a platonic light?

— The thought terrified him because he cared so much for you. He knew that there was a chance you felt the same, but he couldn’t ignore the possibility of you feeling otherwise. He always flirted, but you simply flustered and brushed it off. You never reciprocated his flirtatious comments. Sure, you gave compliments of your own— but they were always sincere. Ones that made him stutter over his words— made heat rush to his face and always put a sheepish, slightly embarrassed smile on his face. But you complimented everyone. You gave your support and affections to the whole server— so what made him different from anyone else?

— It only fueled his fear that you didn’t like him back, which only caused him to further postpone his confession. He kept giving himself excuses— but he had no idea who he was trying to satisfy with his empty encouragement and sorry excuses. No one else heard them but himself, but perhaps he was just trying to convince himself that he wasn’t in an endless cycle of never confessing. He wanted to believe that yes— today wasn’t the right day, but he would do it. One day he would say exactly how he felt— tell you how much he wanted to kiss you, wanting to fly out and meet you just for that reason.

— But he knew it was circumstantial in nature. In truth, he’d made no progress these past few weeks— not any closer to a confession than he was before. He rested his head in his hands and sighed. Maybe he should just give up— he wasn’t the best choice in partner. He was an adrenaline junkie who sought a distraction the moment things got difficult. Someone who struggled to discuss his emotions— a person that built up the tallest walls to protect himself. You deserved better than that. That’s what he thought.

— Nevertheless, he’d still have to be honest with you one day. That way at least the rejection could be over with and he could accept that you’d never be anything more than a friend, even if he so badly wanted to be by your side.

— Little did he know, however, that you went straight into your private channel with Toasty after the call with Xyx— heading into a call with him and letting out another long sigh.

— “Let me guess, you chickened out again?” Toasty muttered and your face flushed and you nodded.

— “I’ll tell him one day! I just… feel like he’s hiding something from me, so I’m hesitant. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same, yknow? Xyx isn’t the easiest to read. Even over call.” You muttered. Besides. He was attractive beyond belief and had quite the way with words. He could have anything he wanted and more. Sure, you cared for him and supported him— but you were probably nothing more than a friend to him.

— Right?

❀ NakedToaster ;

— Toasty gave a small smile, waving quietly at you as you leave his apartment, your things in tow. Another night spent together. He let out a long sigh as his face flushed— how could you call him cute and compliment his voice so casually? Did you have any idea just how much of an effect you had on him? He adored you. Some days he wondered how he hung out with you in a daily basis and kept it together— not breaking down completely in a furious blush. How had he not just lamented and told you just how much he loved you? How much he wanted to be yours.

— He’d fallen faster than he realized— not intending to fall in love, but somehow managing to without even noticing. It started rather simply. You two met up once the server censors had lightened. You had shown genuine interest in FFVIX and even started playing without needing Toasty to bother you about it constantly. You both started calling pretty frequently after that, and soon enough, it evolved into you coming over to his apartment so you could raid together.

— Some days, he just sat and rambled instead. Surprising to some, but not to you, that he just wanted to just talk as opposed to playing Final Fantasy. You both just sat together in his office as he talked your ear off about his troubles, nerves, bloonini— anything that interests him. Because he knows you’ll listen, regardless of the topic. If he needs comfort, however, you’ll both sit on his bed instead.

— You’re affectionate with close friends, so he would ask you to play with his hair— braid it, run your fingers through it, while he ranted about whatever troubled him that day. He finds a comfort in your warmth, feeling his previous stresses melt away at your touch. The first time you offered platonic physical affection to comfort him— that’s when he realized just how far he’d fallen for you. He’d been humming in content at the touch, glanced up at you and saw how you looked at him— and his face flushed. You worried, asking if he felt feverish— but he brushed it off. All that had happened was that he finally realized that he adored you. They wanted to be with you. Toasty wished he could be yours.

— However, he wasn’t the best when it came to picking up on how other people felt, so he had no idea how you felt towards him. He knew you were affectionate with all of your friends, supportive of all of the server members— was he special in any way? Did you reserve those soft expressions for all of your friends, or was it just him? He hoped that was the case. That those expressions were meant for him alone— meant only to express your own adoration for him. But he couldn’t get his hopes up— because in all honesty, he didn’t know. And that scared him.

— He so badly wanted to confess to you— return the compliments, tell you that he loved you. But he didn’t want to lose the bond you both had already— he didn’t want to make things awkward, or get the wrong idea and see something that wasn’t there. He wanted it to be mutual, though. He desperately wanted it to be. You were one of the few people to show genuine interest in his passions— listened to him rant— showed him complete honesty— and you were incredibly caring and supportive of him.

— Even so, he found it hard to believe that you’d ever like him. You were charming, attractive— you could find a much more suitable partner. One that didn’t stay up into the late hours of the night on some video game— one that didn’t call you in the early hours of dawn, asking you to come over and support them— one that could give you the attention you deserved. Toasty was often busy. He didn’t always have time to spend with you, but he tried his best. He just… felt like his best wasn’t enough. Perhaps you’d only ever see him as a close friend. Maybe you’d find someone more nurturing who’d make plenty of time for you— but it probably wouldn’t be him.

— He let out a soft sigh, glancing over at his computer monitor at the countless server messages and the pings from his friends. He logged off of the server before his eyes drifted to the gift he’d gotten you. He shoved it in one of his desk drawers before deciding to play FFXIV to distract himself from everything.

— He didn’t want to think about the fact that you’d probably find someone else. He didn’t want to address that one day, you wouldn’t come over and comfort him at the early hours of the morning— one day, you’d find someone to love. A life partner. And it wouldn’t be him. It wouldn’t be him even if he wanted it to be so badly.

— However, little did Toasty know that all of the pings— the messages in the server— would’ve told him exactly what he wanted to hear sooner. You had accidentally let it spill to Xyx that you were in love with Toasty, and the server troll decided to let that information loose in the general chat. Attempts to get Toasty online to read the conversation were fruitless and you told everyone not to mind it. You loved him, yes, but you never wanted to pressure him into anything.

— You figured that he probably saw the conversation, and just didn’t feel the same. That was fine with you. Even if it hurt, as long as you could support him as his close friend, you were fine if it didn’t evolve into anything more. But you still hoped that maybe you’d get lucky and he’d like you romantically, just how you liked him.

— Oh well. It was nothing but a passing daydream, anyway.

❀ Onionthief ;

— Onion sighed in frustration, hung up after the call he just had with you. You were everything he wanted in a partner. He wanted to be the perfect boyfriend for you— but he couldn’t bring himself to tell you about just how much he adored you. He didn’t know how you felt— how embarrassing would it be if you rejected him completely? If all of the signs he’d been seeing were nothing more than his mind playing tricks on him— just wishful thinking on his part— he’d never be able to face you again. He’d be far too embarrassed and his own pride would be too damaged to recover from something as humiliating as that.

— At the same time, though, what good would come from hiding it? What if he lost you to someone else? He wouldn’t blame anyone else if they had romantic interest in you. You were direct, intelligent, yet still kind-hearted and considerate of others. You let Onion talk about all of the achievements he was proud of— you actually cheered him on. No one else did that for him. Not only that, you never expected absolute perfection from him like everyone else in his life did— expecting nothing but the highest marks and stating that he should never struggle if he was so smart. But you… you never held him to that standard. You never held that sentiment.

— He thought it to be pity at first, but the more he talked to you— the closer you two got— he realized that it wasn’t pity. You never had any doubts in his ability. You knew he could succeed in whatever he set his mind to, but you just knew that even if he never admitted it, he struggled, too. And you thought that was completely okay. Struggling to motivate yourself, having trouble with a topic— getting a not so perfect score— you never judged him for any of it. You supported him, encouraged him— helped him in any way you could. Onion tried to convince himself that it didn’t affect him.

— Sure, you were the most considerate person he’s met. You actually made an effort to get to know him despite the dispositions the rest of the server held towards him. Despite how direct he was, how often he bickered with others and how rude he could come off— you never let that cloud your own personal judgement. You got to know him for yourself— and he tried to tell himself that it wasn’t anything special. He didn’t like you in any other way aside from platonic… right? Oh, who was he kidding? He wasn’t exactly convincing himself. If his rapid heartbeat, slight blush and desire to be by your side was anything to go on, he had been in love with you longer than he’d ever care to admit.

— He wanted to tell you— wanted you to be his. He’d tried on multiple occasions, but he was always immediately discouraged when he saw your kindness throughout the server— showing your warmth to everyone else, including him. Right, of course. He wasn’t special to you. He was just another one of your close friends— just like everyone else.

— It left a bitter taste in his mouth. Was he not enough? Was he too mean? If he was nicer and more welcoming like Nightowl— maybe if he were impartial like Quest, funny like Xyx— or even as successful as Toaster— maybe then you’d give him a chance. Maybe then you’d view him not as a friend, but as a romantic partner?

— He wanted a chance. He wanted to be what you wanted— but he was far too prideful to ask you about anything love related, lest you find out that he feels so much for you. He knew he was smart, had many achievements and successes of his own— but that was all surface level. Could he be the kind, gentle, affectionate partner he thought you wanted— the one he thought you deserved? He was unsure. Sure, he could easily outmatch anyone in intellect (or so he thought), but as much as he hated to admit it, when it came to love?

— Anyone in the server would he a better match for you. Everyone else had more confidence when it came to that. Onion wasn’t the type to get suitors at all— didn’t have people complimenting him or asking him out. People often didn’t look beyond his book smarts— figuring that with his stoic demeanor, that was his only redeemable trait. But you saw past that. You saw the Onion that worked tirelessly to take care of his family— the one who cared so much for those close to him, but didn’t know how to express it. The one who desperately wanted someone to cheer him on and tell him that he was doing good— and that was exactly what you did.

— He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want to risk chasing you away with his feelings for you. Even so, would you even believe him if he said something so outlandish as “I love you?” Or would you laugh it off and assume that he’d be mean enough to play some cruel joke on you? He had no idea, and he didn’t intend to find out.

— So what if you fell in love with someone else? He couldn’t let it bother him, lest he let it tear him up from the inside. He’d have to just. Bite his tongue and keep it to himself even if he longed for your company. It was better this way. He couldn’t confess to you unless he was certain he could be the perfect partner. And as far as he could tell, he was the farthest from that standard as he could be. So he’d keep it to himself.

— Little did he know, though. That you were having a conversation with Nightowl and June— the two knew Onion the best out of everyone else and you questioned how you could tell if he liked you— if he’d push you away if you confessed. Would you lose him if he didn’t reciprocate? All questions they tried their best to answer for you— but it was useless.

— You felt entirely helpless, completely head over heels for Onion, but… you couldn’t read him. Sure, he spared you the time of day and was polite to you, let you talk about your own passions— but you assumed it was because you allowed him the space to do the same. You assumed it was merely out of courtesy, not any sort of affection or love for you.

— You sighed, your conversation leaving you with more questions, rather than answers. You glanced at Onion’s icon before deciding that perhaps it was best if you didn’t tell him.

— You couldn’t. You loved him too much to risk losing him to your own frivolous feelings.

❀ June ;

— June smiles softly as she watches you type in the private channel that you both share. It was created initially for you both to make theories together, but it eventually turned into a little safe haven for you both. You talked bloomic, art, various fanbases— something that she was so glad to share with you. At first, you two were merely friends who wanted to talk strictly bloomic, but as time went on, it evolved into so much more for June.

— You truly got to know her in a way no one else in the server did. You knew of her perfectionist nature, supported her when she was being a harsh self critic— reassured her when she felt incompetent in comparison to others. You always told her that she never needed to compare because she was perfect the way she was. Talented, pretty, smart, compassionate and full of energy. What wasn’t there to like? June never got told those sorts of things much before, so every time you say it. Every word of reassurance— every affirmation makes her blush, stutter over her words and smile. It’s hard for her to be upset in your presence.

— For the most part, at least. It’s nice to get lost in the conversations you have in the private channel— but she has to remind herself that she’s unsure if her affections are mutual. She has to remind herself that you aren’t dating— she isn’t yours. She wasn’t even sure you felt that way— probably only seeing her as a friend. She wants to insist— criticize herself. Her mind screams at her and tells her it’s because she isn’t perfect— she isn’t good enough for you and you deserve so much more than she can give you.

— Yet, she reads back on your old messages, some she’s screenshotted for moments like these. It reminds her that you’ve always been transparent with her in telling her that she’s enough— more than enough for anyone she may have feelings for. She remembered that conversation— having asked you if she’d make a good girlfriend. You assured her that anyone would be lucky to have her. She was kind, creative, and thoughtful. If they couldn’t see that, you’d insist that they were blind. June’s heart filled with warmth at your words, but quickly she returned back to her thoughts.

— Had you known that she was talking about you? The amazing person who knew her for who she was— the one that made her excited to wake up every morning just so they could chat— the one that would make her heart skip a beat when they said her name— did you know it was you who she was referencing? She didn’t know. If you had known, maybe you didn’t feel the same and didn’t want to hurt her? But… if you didn’t know and she had said all that when you had feelings for her… were you deterred? Did you think she was talking about someone else?

— How could she be? No one else willingly delved into her interests, asked for her updates on her art and theories, checked in with her when she’s been gone for a bit, supported her when she was upset— she could go on and on. You’ve been a rock in her life: someone to lean on, a shoulder to cry on, a person who she loved so truly and deeply.

— She wanted to tell you— to get it all off her chest, but she couldn’t lose you. You were too special. She wanted to ask for advice again— but how could she? You were the first person she went to to talk about her deeper emotions. Should she take the leap? Should she play it safe? She had so many questions— and no answers. She let out a soft sigh, glancing at your icon once more before typing out that she had to rest for the night, and that whatever you were typing would have to wait until the morning, unfortunately. She apologized before walking over to her bed and laying back, staring up at the ceiling.

— She can’t tell you. If you didn’t feel the same, she’d never be able to handle it. She loved you too much to go through the pain of having to lose you to her own emotions. That didn’t mean she was even a little happy about it, though. She let a few tears slip, glancing the artwork she’d made for you, but kept backing out of giving to you. Her as Xander, you as Lola. The insinuation clear in the pose and the affectionate expressions. It was for the best that she didn’t tell you. At least that was what she tried to tell herself.

— On the other side of the screen, you sighed, wishing June a good night after deleting the confession paragraph you’d been typing out. So much for an impulsive act of courage. You loved her, but you never seemed able to get a chance to tell her that. You were starting to get discouraged at the constant obstacles— logging off and heading to bed.

— You thought of June, how sweet she was and how much you’d grown to adore her. Maybe this was a sign that you should appreciate the friendship instead of seeking something more. Even if it was, it didn’t stop you from wanting so desperately to tell her— to scream to the rooftops that you were in love with June and wanted to ask her to be yours.

— Maybe luck would be on your side tomorrow. Hopefully.

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