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VJ’s Ottawa!

VJ’s Lounge – 7:30pm, September 2, 2015

It appears that I am incapable of following New Year’s resolutions I even enjoy. My mid-year goal is to adult less and “drink and dive” more.

Name – Robin (5/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? Stone cold sober (0/10) Hungover? As much as this lately has been a regular state (awake, asleep, hungover...), not today; today I judge this dive with the bright, clear eyes of a nun at the Metcalfe fair.

Baseline leaving: Meh? Our bartenders colourful approach to service left me more sober than any self-respecting dive patron ever wants to be (3/10)

Atmosphere: (1)

Where to begin….It was like a swap meet for kitschy Vegas collectables crossed with the family room my parents rocked in the early 90’s. Lots of burgundy and forest green with wood paneling, and then an explosion of rat pack Knick knacks and Marilyn Monroe posters. Plus there was a gigantic grand piano at the front of the room. The back office had been partitioned off with residential sliding closet doors. Recycling win!

The bartender seemed very excited about the animatronic James Brown bust which graced the shelf above us. I was waaaay more excited about the autographed Tom Jones photo though. I also thought the customizable dimmers on the table lamps were a nice touch too. “Create your own mood at VJ’s Piano Bar and Vegas Lounge!”

Staff: (1)

An internet search told me later that we were in the presence of VJ himself and this guy is fabulous! VJ is a man who marches to the beat of his own customer service drum. You get a drink when he thinks you should get a drink, not a moment before. Also, you get snacks and a bit of a floor show. There was some singing, some dancing, and some amazing faces. Plus, he served my gin with a bendy straw and announced his delivery of our beverages by dropping them on the table and mumbling “here.” None of this was off-putting; I think it adds to the VJ’s experience. He was also kind enough to show me where the weird office bathroom was. Apparently he likes to sing “My Way” and impersonate Willie Nelson on Friday nights at the piano. I know what I’m doing for the rest of my Fridays…

(Ir)Regulars: (0)

It’s hard to award a point for this one. The serious regulars looked to be on the patio and there was a couple at the bar. Nothing too colourful, if you don’t count the braless lady. But really, who hasn’t gone commando whilst diving? I once went in pyjamas. Who am I to toss empty 50 bottles at this lady and her boobs?

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point: (-1)

I opted for gin and then cider here. I am obviously off my game. To make up for my transgressions, I am drinking 50 while I type this. I did think the bar rail booze was pretty pricey here. $21 for 2 gins and a cider. Maybe because of the free floor show you pay strip club prices?

Bathrooms: (0)

The bathroom actually appeared to be part of a completely different address. I mean, it was actually located in the office building behind the bar, but it also had a completely different flavour. Clean, totally neutral and came with a selection of scented hand lotions. (I opted for red plum and freesia.) I thought I might have stumbled into an alternate dimension.

Lack of Self Awareness: (1)

Zero fucks given. Amen.

It factor: (1)

I can only describe the whole experience as a little surreal. There was so much shit everywhere, and our bartender was so colourful, it was hard to take it all in. I think that means it deserves a point here.

Music: (1)

Muzak versions of Neil Diamond. Sold!

Bonus Points: (1)

I’m awarding a point for the dancing James Brown bust, which we got to see in action, not once, but Twice!!

Name – Alanna (6/8)

Baseline entering: Stone cold sober (0/10)

Baseline leaving: Delightfully buzzed/probably drunk because I spilled my drink on myself two...three times. (5/10)

Atmosphere: (1)

It was like a trip into the past, and by past, I mean a strange intertwined mix of rat pack era nostalgia (lot's of Marilyn Monroe memorabilia photographs) and early nighties vinyl chairs and emerald green paint. Also, a pretty great flower wallpaper border rounded out the aesthetic.

Staff: (1)

Now I can't say for certain, but I am pretty sure this guy hasn't fully integrated into modern day society. He loves singing along to the music (again, Sinatra) and makes really hilarious faces when he is pouring beer. He was really nice and attentive (if he remembers you were there...).

(Ir)Regulars: (0)

It was dead inside, but there were a few rambunctious middle aged men outside on the patio drinking quarts. So, maybe?

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point: (0)

I think they are known for their quarts , which in retrospect should have been my choice, but instead I went for cider and spent alot. That said, once inside you forget that you are on Laurier Avenue at Elgin Street, which might explain the cost.

Bathrooms: (1)

The bathroom was actually pretty great and very clean considering. In addition to a selection of hand lotions, the bathroom had pink hand towels.

Lack of Self Awareness: (1)

Absolutely none.

It factor: (1)

I would go back. There is a huge piano at the entrance of the bar that we didn't get the opportunity to hear in action. Also, the weird mix of Hollywood nostalgia/90s dinner/singing bartender makes it really charming.

Music: (0)

Lots of Sinatra.

Bonus Points: (1)

Light dimmer above each table, the entertainment provided by the staff (theatrics!), the dancing Elvis penguin, and, the CDs for sale really added to the entire experience.

Cafe Caco - 8:00 pm, Jan 11, 2015

New Years’ Resolution #6 – Spend more time making terrible life decisions in Dive Bars. Finally a resolution I know I have the willpower to keep.

Tyson – (6/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? I did have a couple of beers earlier that day, but a few hours had passed, so I was mildly buzzed (2/10), Hung-over? Oh, I can't even tell any more. I don't think so (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Well, I think I had like 5 beers, so I was feeling something, but it was pretty spread out, plus, you know, tolerance (4/10)

Atmosphere: (1) Baffling and eclectic. When we arrived at the address, it appeared to be a tiny terra-cotta covered, and completely uninhabited, cantina. Upon further investigation, however, we discovered, that this was merely an ante-chamber. A door at the rear served as a portal to what we were seeking: a dark and quirky watering hole, with at least a couple of homo-sapiens in evidence.

The layout was weird in a good way, with a proper bar elevated in the center, a pool table, elevated booths, and those false tiled roofs, the kind you see sometimes at old school Mexican restaurants. There were large TVs everywhere, as well as projectors, disco balls, and strobe lights on display, if not in use. They really had the bases covered with décor, too. Robin pointed out the ubiquitous clocks (perhaps to aid the window-deprived patrons?). There was a bookshelf that held approximately 20 years of phone books, and little else. There were international fags and a variety of soccer balls hanging from the ceiling, no doubt anticipating the international throngs gathering to watch the World Cup, and Halloween and Birthday decorations everywhere, because, you know, why take that stuff down when you'll eventually put it back up again anyway, right?

Staff: (1) Older bartender fellow. Struck a good balance between friendly and minding his own business. Except when he minded his own business in the back kitchen for several minutes when we were looking for another round, which happened at least a couple of times. He had a bad knee or some other limp-inducing malady, and it was a bit painful just watching him amble around the bar. He really likes the Portuguese Super Bock beer, and he's right, it's pretty delish.

(Ir)Regulars: (0) Not sure if we saw any, but it was a Sunday after all, so neither the after-work drinkers, nor the Friday/Saturday night revelers were there. The one customer sitting at the bar when we entered, speaking animatedly in Portuguese with the bar-keep, turned out to be a bartender-in-training.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point: (0) Well, they didn't have Robin's baseline brew of choice, the 50, but they did have a couple of lovely Portuguese options: the lighter Sagres Cerveja, and the above mentioned Super Bock, both of which I thoroughly enjoyed. We were a little surprised at the bill, which was $55, which breaks down to $4.87/beer, typical for many establishments; it's just a bit high for a dive. I'd like to award the point for the novelty factor of the Portuguese beers, but given the criteria Robin has laid out, I think it must be denied.

Bathrooms: (1) Nothing too horrifying here, unless the thought of unfinished linoleum tile jobs or unattended fy traps horrify you. There was even a small bouquet of artificial flowers to sweeten the ambience! Best thing about the men’s room, however, were the multiple signs in Portuguese advising patrons of proper urinal etiquette, translated via Google, one such sign reads ”attention is so good to pee and so easy to open water”. Whatever is lost here in the translation is more than made up in the inadvertent poetic abstraction.

Lack of Self Awareness: (1) This is not an intentionally ironic attempt to present a “dive bar” for the hipster set, this is an old Portuguese dude, and maybe his family, putting together what they think is the best bar possible with the resources available.

It factor:(1) Perhaps this is the place to mention the running shoes that were visibly left on the stovetop in the kitchen, or maybe the Elvis/Michael Jackson/etc. makeshift shrine in the corner, or the huge abandoned fountain sculpture thing. There was a lot of charming weirdness here, in other words.

Music: (0) I don't recall hearing any music. I think the only background noise was provided by the sports broadcasts on the multiple television sets, which ranged from an international Rugby tournament to soccer and back again.

Bonus Points: (1) If nothing else, the complimentary popcorn made the visit worthwhile. It couldn't have been very fresh, but was just toothsome enough, and an unusually spicy seasoning application provided the perfect favor juxtaposition with the beer. Oh, also the pool table! We had the run of the table for a couple of hours, unencumbered by the watchful eye of potential competitors. Nor were we burdened by the practice of calling our shots, because, as Robin put it “I like to think it's fortune.” Fair enough.

Robin – (5/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? I’ve been riding the DayQuil/NyQuil roller coaster for weeks now so I’m basically perma-buzzed. I’m not even sure if I’m sick anymore. (1/10). Hung-over? See previous comment (0/10 on the praying for death scale).

Baseline leaving: Drunk? 5 little beers over 3 hours….pffftttt…..not even close, but I will acknowledge an increase to the entering buzz (4/10).

Atmosphere: (1) Where to begin?? It was like Vegas without the buffet. Or glamour. Or Excitement.

I think Tyson has nailed it with “eclectic.” First, there was a mysterious pre-entrance, which looked like a heavily mural-ed basement bar, then a proper entrance which led into a dimly lit, and strangely silent bar area with a pool table and fountain feature to the right, and dancefloor and seating area to the left. We opted for a lovely banquet set that someone had reupholstered in an army green vinyl, including the coffee table between the benches.

Looking around, I was impressed with their attempt to be permanently decorated for any event you could possibly want to host there: Halloween, birthdays, New Year’s, or World Cup….So practical! Also, the Michael Jackson Shrine, with Elvis bust, cookie jar and succulent plants in the corner really caught my eye. I believe MJ was the only framed print. Immediately below that was a floor sign with a Bristol board insert advertising the kitchen menu. Also practical! Nothing to wipe clean, and they apparently make a new sign when the menu changes. I was also taken with the home popcorn machine that had a similar sign attached advising patrons to wait for the bartender to offer the popcorn within. (Side-note: That was some tasty popcorn. It was both surprisingly fresh and slightly spicy.) The pool room décor could also be described as somewhat whimsical. The room was anchored by a large stone, non-functional water feature which had garden gnomes and aquarium plants tucked in its various ledges and nooks. The walls had been framed out in a faux tudor/70’s rustic barn style, with large wallpaper murals in the background. On the south side of the room we saw what looked like beautiful Lake Louise, and on the north…Hawaii. Best of both worlds! Plus the pool table in the middle spit my loonie back at me and gave me a free game. Fortune! I also want to mention the huge upright freezer with the open door beside the bar (on the public side), with an old fashioned oak office chair on castors in front of it. I like to feel business-like when I drink.

Staff: (1) One guy behind the bar. Friendly (he offered the popcorn!), but not in your face, and very enthusiastic about his products. There was one other guy having an animated conversation with him in Portuguese or possibly some eastern European language. It turns out he was a new recruit learning the Café Caco ropes for his first night. Lesson number one: How to get Brazilian TV on the satellite using the 12 remotes in the “remote box.”

(Ir)Regulars: (0) No evidence of regulars. Weird because I consider Sunday to be the more regular of (ir)regular bar times. One guy came in and ate at the bar eventually (Cuban Sandwich – looked good), and then a group of university kids on a pub tour (amateurs….!). They left after one and then it was just us.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point: (-1) Frankly, I’m perplexed by their decision not to sell 50….in Vanier. What. The. Fuck???!!! I’m surprised that shit doesn't flow out of the faucets in that neighbourhood. No Quarts either. I can’t even…He asked if they still made it….Deep cleansing breaths…

Bathrooms: (1) Knowing what I now know about the men’s room, I’m sorry that the ladies room was bereft of colourful signs and learning opportunities. We did get plastic flowers and an area rug though. One vinyl tile had been replaced with layers of white duct tape. Crafty. I’m awarding a point for creative flooring solutions in a public space.

Lack of Self Awareness: (1) There is absolutely no self-awareness here. Not even a hint. And no PBR.

It factor:(1) The atmosphere was strange enough to leave me feeling a little off kilter. Visually, there was just so much going on, but not unpleasantly so. I like quirky. This was quirky.

Music: (0) No music to score. We did however watch a few hours of international football, then a Brazilian

beauty pageant (above the bar only), and then Portuguese news. I want to award a point for the old dude watching a beauty pageant, but that’s not really what this category is about. Denied.

Bonus Points: (1) I’m granting a bonus point for the padlocked “out of service” stall. Whatever is in there is bad enough that it has to be locked in.

Taverne 57 - 10:00 pm (?), July 3, 2014

2 in one night! Ambitious? Not really. It just took us one false start to find the promised land this time.

Taverne 57 - 10:00 pm (?), July 3, 2014

Tyson – (7/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? I arrived as I left Le Whip, mildly buzzed (2/10), Hung-over? Nope (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? I wouldn't say drunk, exactly, but headed that direction (3.5/10)

Atmosphere – (1) Now this was waaay more like it. Not the diviest dive I ever dove, but right up there. Fluorescent lighting, bathroom tile in the main room, taxidermy, beat-up mismatched chairs. Right away we knew we had found a legitimate Dive.

Staff – (1) Scratchy-throated older french dude (seriously, almost tracheotomy scratchy), also happy to speak english, which was clearly not his first language. He had a dirty white t-shirt, and one of those old fashioned change-belts, I suppose for the video gambling machines, which is apparently the thing to do in the taverns of Gatineau.

(Ir)Regulars – (1) Very friendly, very noisy, very drunk, very french-canadian group of regulars. I think there were five. Ok, there was one old, mostly passed-out fellow in a yellow beret who didn't make a peep, and then there were four good pals who were mostly on the video gambling machines, when they weren't chasing each other around being goofy, that fit the above description. I got the sense this is how they spent most, if not every, evening. Oh, and then there were the dogs, the tiny, tiny dogs: a chihuahua who left not long after our arrival, and a toy poodle (Ruby) that did tricks and was about as cute as those things get.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) Everything was behind stainless-steel doors, but I would hazard a guess that it was the standard, commercial varieties we saw at Le Whip, or any basic tavern. 50's were a quarter more, at $7.75. So why does the 57 get a point when Le Whip got 0? The food menu, which included pickled eggs, cashews, and $1 hot dogs, which Robin encouraged me to try. I almost did, but she came short of a full-on dare, which is obviously impossible to resist, and so I was able to leave without compromising my intestinal comfort.

Bathrooms – (1) Yep, this was a men's bathroom that said “we don't really give a shit”, or, more accurately: “Nous n'avons pas vraiment donner une merde”. Broken tiles, exposed pipework, no means of drying ones hands whatsoever. Most remarkable/upsetting: an extensive set of scratched in tally marks, as though some poor soul was imprisoned here for several months and forced to mark the passage of time with a crude instrument of unknown provenance.

Lack of Self Awareness – (1) Clearly, nothing was intentional or ironic. This was %100 genuine Dive Bar.

It factor – (1) Oh yeah. So much to choose from. Tiny dogs, for sure. Funny, friendly francophone folks. A table that didn't wobble (not proof of diviness either way, but a rare and appreciated occurrence). I mean, if you appreciate sincere, joyful, blue-collar drunkeness, Taverne 57 definitely has “it”.

Music – (0) None whatsoever. The jukebox was actually unplugged, which was fine, all the better to hear the drunken regulars giving each other a hard time, but I can't really justify awarding a point for music.

Bonus Points – (1) Oh yeah. So much to choose from. Funny, friendly francophone folks. A table that didn't wobble (not proof of diviness either way, but a rare and appreciated occurrence). I mean, if you appreciate sincere, joyful, blue-collar drunkenness, Taverne 57 definitely has “it”. I'll dedicate this point to Ruby the chihuahua playing dead for us, which her non-Anglo caretaker specifically approached our table to show us, along with her friend the translator. Perhaps her buddies were no longer impressed. But we were. The whole thing was pretty magical.

Robin - 6/8

Baseline entering: Drunk? Slightly tipsy. 2 glasses wine and a quart. (3/10). Hung-over? Nope. Not yet anyway. 0/10 on the Praying for Death Scale.

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope. A little tipsy? Yep (4/10).

Atmosphere – (1) One word: Phenomenal. Fluorescent lighting, Bristol board price lists, taxidermy, more gambling terminals…this place has it all. I also wrote down “bathroom time walls,” in my phone notes that night. No idea what that means, but I’m pretty sure it’s awesome.

Staff – (1) One middle-aged guy. Super friendly. Voice like a guy who smokes 6 packs a day. The ladies room is actually behind the bar and he had to show me where the light switch was. He actually winked at me, then growled “for next time…”

(Ir)Regulars – (1) 3 ladies with tiny dogs, an old guy in a Marlin Travel golf hat sleeping at a table, and two other dudes. Everyone was really friendly. Even the sketchy guy. I got to see some dog tricks, and cuddle a puppy. I swear someone yelled “come back again,” in Franglais as we were leaving.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) As noted in my review of The Whip, you can’t throw a rock and not hit a quart of 50 in Quebec, and our bartender was well versed in the international language of 50. Here our beverage of choice was slightly pricier, but still more economical than any of the dives I’ve hit in Ontario. Also, although I usually reserve this category for alcohol exclusively, I feel I have to note the $1 hot dogs. (Side note #6: I bet the hot dogs at Taverne 57 are way more flavourful than Ikea hot dogs and, having read Tyson’s review, am very sad I did not throw down a dare. Next time, my friend. Next time.)

Bathrooms – (0) Bathroom time walls. Enough said. I’m actually neither awarding or deducting a point here because I think Tyson’s experience was much better than mine, dive-wise, in the WC.

Lack of Self Awareness – (1) This is a tavern that doesn’t give a fuck what you think. Also, no merchandise, which is my self-awareness-qualifier. It looks like it’s been there for decades, but I couldn’t find even one mention of it on the web, besides an address of course. There is no urbanspoon-ing this fucker.

Music – (0) No music. TV’s were on baseball but even they were muted. Jukebox was broken or unplugged. We drank to the soothing melodies of the video lottery terminals.

Bonus Points – (1) I’m awarding a bonus point for the high mullet ratio. I swear 2/4 of our fellow patrons were sporting one. Un-ironically.

Marlin Travel is everywhere

Taxidermy

Doing hard time at the urinals....

Industrial chic

Le Whip – 9:00 PM, July 3, 2014

Tyson - (2/8)  

Baseline entering: Drunk? No. (0/10). Hung-over? Not at all, surprisingly. Been drying out for the last few.  

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Well, I'm feeling it a little. Low tolerance: the reward for flirting with sobriety (2/10). I had a big quart of 50  (side note: as an effete Seattleite, this “50” business is new to me, I'm more accustomed to the micro-brew thing, and when we do get our ironic-appropriation-of-blue-collar-beers on in the NW, we usually go PBR. No big difference really, but I was a little confused at first that we weren't talking about 50 ouncers.  

Atmosphere – (0) It's not a “bad” atmosphere, in any objective sense, it's actually pretty cozy, but it is definitely not divey, and as far as I can surmise, that is the criteria for our evaluation.

Staff – (1) One bartender, older, middle-aged francophone lady. I think we were both a little concerned about not being able to order in French, but she immediately put as at ease with her own broken English.

(Ir)Regulars – (0) There was basically one guy (I think two, for a few minutes, when we first got there) besides ourselves, who just played video poker, or video slots, or whatever you call it.  

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (0) Seemed pretty standard. They had the 50's we were looking for, of course, and the popular commercially available lagers and ales, all very tidily organized, in a non-divey manner.  $7.50/50

Bathrooms – (0) Clean and neat. Not what you would expect from a dive.

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) Hmmm... How to evaluate this? Well, given that I take this category as an opportunity to critique an ironic embrace of the dive bar image... there was certainly none of that, but neither was there any authentic working-class watering-hole griminess to be aware of, so I guess it's a wash, 0 again.   

Music – (0) Pop station Hot 89.9 pumped out the mainstream jams at mid-volume for the duration of our visit. A cursory examination of the jukebox revealed a somewhat eclectic collection of soft country/oldies (Eagles/Alan Jackson) to goth rock (Marilyn Manson/Rob Zombie)

Bonus Points – (1) I'm gonna go ahead and find a reason to award a point that has nothing to do with our true mission (appreciation of dive-iness), but because it was not an unpleasant place to be and I don't wan't to leave it with a zero: I kind of liked the purple and green paint job, like the Incredible Hulk did the interior decorating; the shiny copper tile ceiling was nice; and there was some pretty exciting EXTREME motocross action on the giant flat-screen TV; the bartender was nice; and everything was clean. Again, I realize that these things are actually the opposite of what we were there to recognize and appreciate, and if I were a strict-constructionist type I should be subtracting my bonus point, but I guess I just don't want to be a dick. Look, here's the deal: Robin picked this place based on some clearly outdated info. This was definitely NOT the dive we'd heard about. There must have been a change of ownership/management and a concerted effort to make it NOT a dive, so it was set up to fail our litmus test for blue-collar watering holes. It's a pleasant enough place, but not what we were looking for, and thus we resolved to move our quest onward.

Robin - 1/8

Baseline entering: Drunk? Meh. 2 glasses of Chardonnay on my way to The Whip (2/10). Hung-over? Nope. I clearly have been living too cleanly of late. 0/10 on the Praying for Death Scale.

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope. A little tipsy? Yep (3/10). (Side note #1: 50 makes a not-terrible chaser for white wine. Mind blown. Stomach only a little unhappy.)

Atmosphere – (-1) I was lied to – Screw you, guy from Wikimapia! Where were the grey and brown interiors, the cheque cashing office, the absence of a women’s washroom? The Whip is not a dive anymore. It currently displays the shiniest pressed tin ceilings I’ve ever seen and a strangely appealing teal and purple décor. (Side note #2, my mom carpeted and roofed her home in the same shade of teal in the late 80’s. Side note #3, teal shingles are hard to replace.)

Staff – (1) One older lady. Friendly, but not too friendly, and efficient. She looked like someone’s Gran.

(Ir)Regulars – (0) There were a couple of dudes on the lottery terminals when we arrived, but one disappeared by the time we left. The guy that was left was so engrossed in gambling, I forgot he was there. I guess Thursday isn’t a big drinking night in Hull (?). I later wondered how The Whip stays open if most of its nights were like that one. Then I decided it must be a front for something, which made me want to award a bonus point. I’m still on the fence.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) Since Quebec is basically the land of both quarts and Labatt 50, I suspect that finding a reasonably priced quart is really not that challenging, even if you only manage to ask for “une 50 grande.” (Side note #4, this is what years of French class looks like.)

Bathrooms – (-1) Small and incredibly clean. Purple and teal décor continued in here as well. Because the ladies’ room actually exists, I’m actually deducting a point here. Life can be so cruel.

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) I think this one doesn’t even apply. As Tyson noted, this is not a dive, and is thus not catering to a crowd in search of ironic divey-ness.

Music – (0) Top 40 radio and jukebox. I don’t even remember what was playing. Bland (Hot) 89.9

Bonus Points – (1) In the end I decided against awarding a point for the imaginary criminal enterprise, but I am awarding one for the conversation we had about circumcision. It was very informative, and that’s what drinking and diving is all about – education.

Finnigan's Bar – 6:00 PM, May 24, 2014

Brent - 1/8

Purpose

The evaluate Finnigan"s Pub in Vanier on its merits as a dive bar of the National Capital region

Hypothesis

Based on previous experience with Vanier, and Montreal Road in particular, I fully expect a poor interior of cheap materials, a clientele of diverse levels of trashiness, quality shit-beer and a staff unable to secure employment at a better establishment.

Materials

1 Lovely lab partner

2 bottles of 50

Picnic-style patio table

Octagonal interior table, though not felt covered so as to be used for poker

2 cougars/women of the night

Procedure

We convened on the patio at around 6 pm local time. From there we engaged in discussion while waiting for an extended period of time for a server of some sort to come take our order. When he finally made himself available to us, I discovered that they did not have quarts or draught 50, so I had to settle for the smallest possible serving size. Sadface.

From there, a variety of patrons made their way across the patio, including two women who were clearly out on the town the make a man of out someone. They appeared to have taken control of the jukebox and proceeded to thrill me with their choice of songs, in particular, Shakira’s “Whenever, Wherever” which spawned delightful recollection of pop music from 1999, which it turns out was misplaced as research shows that song as being released in 2001. That’s why you-know-who hates our freedom, and why they flew those you-know-whats into you-know-where.

Upon being repeatedly blown by the intense winds, we moved indoors to find a small selection of people around the bar, but aside from the previously jukebox heroes, there wasn’t much about them that was noteworthy. The interior was the rustic woodsiness that I expect of these places, but it don’t not seem to be in a state of disrepair that a dive demands.

They hide their bathrooms on a second level. There was nothing impressive or disgusting about the bathroom, which was fitting as their second level seemed to be making some attempt at creating a respectable establishment. There was a dedicated jukebox for the second floor, pool tables, a pinball table and another level of patio. At this point we decided that gin and Dr. Pepper would make for a better evening and we left.

Results

I did not end up drunk.

Conclusion

This place did not meet my expectations of Vanier nor of a dive bar. It’s just sort of there. By no means is it nice place, but it is almost entirely lacking in any sort of character. Perhaps a food tasting is in order to further examine Finnigan's, but I don’t think that the place is really deserving of a second look. It failed the beer test, and the regulars weren’t flashy or gross enough. I feel thoroughly disappointed by the experience and from now on will stay out of Finnigan’s wake

hashtag cleverfinish

Robin - 4/8

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Fuck yes, the kind of hangover that can only be fixed by a Dr. Gin Medicine Woman and Final Destination 3. 6/10 on the Praying for Death Scale.

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope (1/10). 2 cans (yes, motherfucking cans) of Guinness. Still not making better life decisions but was swayed by the promise of the above mentioned medicinal gin and a desire not to be drinking there after dark. I’m straight up awarding a point in the bonus section for this thought process.

Atmosphere – (1) Lots of wood paneling and stucco, with possibly an excessive amount of neon lights and scrolling signs. I actually enjoyed the upstairs way more than down. They had pool tables, arcade games, plywood floors, and the washrooms. Now that I think about it, most of Finnigan’s appeared to be made of plywood. I appreciated the practicality of this.

Staff – (1) One guy on the bar. Friendly and efficient.

(Ir)Regulars – (1) I have to award a point here for the two cougars who were drinking wine at 6 and playing “Red, Red Wine” on repeat on the jukebox. They know what they like and they like to hit it early. Otherwise, it was a mix of dudes in golf shirts and some local vanier colour.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (0) There were no quarts of 50. But my Guinness was Okay.

Bathrooms – (0) Large and clean. Nothing special, save for the plywood stalls. (It was everywhere.)

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) Once again, it knows what it is, and it doesn’t give a shit. I saw no merch, and I think this is a pretty off-the-beaten-track location, unless you live in that ‘hood.

Music – (0) Seemed to be mostly jukebox based. Totally random selection. And incredibly loud for 6 pm on a Saturday afternoon.

Bonus Points – (1) I literally circled the block to park behind the bar because leaving it on a side street felt like a really bad idea. Sounds like a bonus point to me.

Sonny’s Bar & Grill – 8:30 PM, May 17, 2014

For this week's review, I respectfully introduce the "Daivku." A little like a haiku, but all about the dive.

Brent – 3/8

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Nein.

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope (2/10). I had 2 small 50’s

Atmosphere – (1)

Truly amazing

There was wood everywhere

Local art for sale

Staff – (0)

First she was perfect

Then her shift came to a close

Inattentive douche

(Ir)Regulars – (0)

Old and boisterous

Then hipsterish and lame-os

Possible escort

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (0)

I know what I want

They did not have it on tap

Or in quarts either

Bathrooms – (1)

It looked very clean

Maybe a little too cramped

Had to touch handles

Lack of Self Awareness – (1)

They offer no shirts

Only open stage and mic

Someone drop a beat

Music – (0)

Potential for band

Alas not one did appear

Should have hit jukebox

Bonus Points – (0)

I have none to give

Not one single sex wizard

Please step up your game

Robin - 4/8

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Nyet. (Take that Brent) I think next dive I actually need to aim for a 3 or 4 out of 10 here. Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope (1/10). 2 cans (yes, motherfucking cans) of Guinness. Am I getting old? Am I making better life decisions? Fuck, I hope not. Next review, I promise a return to the binge drinking that dives thrive on.

Atmosphere – (1) Sonny’s was a weird mix of cafeteria/diner/local/art gallery…it’s a true multi-textural experience. I was especially impressed by the stained glass hunting scenes over the main entrance, and the random wildlife scenes/metal-work art for sale. Seriously, occasionally the terrible decisions made in dive bars SHOULD include the purchase of paintings of Canada geese.

Staff – (1) When we arrived, there was one waitress on. She was perfect - friendly, and efficient. Although, I think she works the worst hours ever. Ever. I only want to go there when she works. But not in a creepy way. The replacement dude wasn’t great.

(Ir)Regulars – (1) I had high hopes when I walked in to find a table of 60-something guys watching baseball or something sports related. As the evening went on, however, those regulars were replaced with a strange mish-mash of hipsters and local teens (?), plus a dude who looked like he might be on a date with his hooker. (I’m on the fence as to whether I should add or subtract a point for that. Scratch that. Awarding a point. She had on Barbie shoes).

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (0) There were no quarts of 50. But my Guinness was Okay.

Bathrooms – (0) Clean and modern. Surprisingly so. Plus they were thoughtful enough to include a portable step for us munchkins.

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) Once again, it knows what it is, and it doesn’t give a shit. I saw no merch, and I think this is a pretty off-the-beaten-track location.

Music – (1) Totally random. I’m awarding a point here because I got to listen to fucking Bad Company. I fucking love Bad Company. Also, we briefly thought we might be in for a band, but it turns out one of the drunks just felt like organizing the sound cables. I applaud his ambition. Bonus Points – (0) The art gallery was pretty sweet but I can’t think of anything remarkable enough about this location to award a point. Sorry Sonny. Maybe once the patio opens.

Carleton Mother Fucking Tavern – 7:00 PM, May 11, 2014

Brent - (8/8) Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Not at all. Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope (2/10). I had a quart of 50 and a regular bottle of 50. Still not enough to make me properly drop my inhibitions. Maybe a -1 on the ‘being a man’ scale Atmosphere – (1) This place is a God-damned 1970’s den/ living room expanded out into a full-sized bar. It’s kinda dirty. There’s a vending machine in there. And I’m pretty sure that the door to the men’s room has a window on it. There’s no pretentiousness to the place whatsoever. It is all function over form and their “patio” is a fucking alley! Staff – (1) There was an old guy working the kitchen and a 30-ish woman working the floor. When I first arrived, the dude was standing near the patioalley having a smoke. The lady was on her shit. Super trusting of me to sit outside, right beside an open gate and no line of site, whilst running a tab. She was there to pick up a glass and offer another right when she needed to be. Plus, she rocked the vending machine and got 2 bags of chips out of it! (Ir)Regulars – (1) Anyone who happens to be in the tavern may as well be seen as a king amongst men. The lone exceptions to this were the hipsters on the Parkdale side patio who were to cool to either sit with the people or to sit in the alley. There were some sketchy dudes sitting at the tables right beside the door to the outside. Anyone else, and there really wasn’t many, looked like they were exactly where they belonged. Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) They have quarts of 50. That is pretty much the only thing that matters there Bathrooms – (0) Didn’t use them, but I could see into the men’s room quite well. It looked alright. Clean enough. If you used a urinal, you were probably getting stuck in a conversation with somebody Lack of Self Awareness – (1) It’s an institution. It knows what it is, and it doesn’t give a shit. It looks at your gentrification and wags its dick right back at it. Maybe that means it should get a zero because it is totally self-aware, but it is also right across from the Parkdale Market, and it’s the only thing keeping those people from taking over the whole area. Music – (1) I’m pretty sure Boston came on at some point. I don’t really remember any songs beyond that, but it’s Boston: another point on the board Bonus Points – (1) 10 years ago I encountered the first Sex Wizard I have ever known of. It was the night of my 25th birthday, and this woman who I think was named Pam, imparted some valuable advice to the ladies that were in attendance in relation to making a relationship work. The first was “Swallow. And fast.” which seems pretty self-explanatory. The second piece of advice was a little more abstract, but no less sublime, and it was “Take it in the ass and like it!” Thank you, Pam. May the God’s look upon you with favour. (8/8) And yes I’m aware that I awarded 0 for bathrooms and this score doesn’t make sense.

Robin – (5/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Nope. 3 pints of moonshine cider the night before (1/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Nope (4/10). Rolling Rock in child sized glasses – my mom would be so disappointed in me.

Atmosphere – (1) More than a little run down but with lots of character. I’m pretty sure my public school had the same flooring, though it was noticeably lighter on the beer swag and “ugly club” t-shirts. Curious layout with 2 long rooms and no actual bar, only what looks to be a repurposed cafeteria station for beer dispensing. There are 2 patios (one on each side of the building), both street side and alley side. I recommend the coziness of drinking in the alley. Who doesn’t like drinking in alleys????There is a menu but the vending machine might be the safer option, unless it eats your change and you’re forced to shake your snack free (like our waitress.) Careful kids, death by vending machine is no way to go…especially at The Carleton Tavern.

Staff – (1) Friendly but not too friendly. There seemed to be only one server on for the whole place, plus a couple of random kitchen dudes who were mostly smoking in the alley patio. Our server decided we looked normal enough to run a tab, although we were sitting beside an open gate in the middle of Hintonburg….I liked her.

(Ir)Regulars – (0) Pretty quiet. Mostly empty all night except for a lot of middle aged dudes sitting by themselves and staring at the outlanders who wandered in (which wasn’t creepy at all…)

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) Definite quart availability. Reasonably priced. No hard liquor though. I still don’t understand how that’s possible.

Bathrooms – (0) Small but clean. Nothing really remarkable.

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) Sort of self aware but also doesn’t give a shit. As my fellow reviewer pointed out, it’s off the main drag in Hintonburg/Wellington West and may be the last stronghold against gentrification, which should win it some points. However, based on the available merchandise, and the growing hipster population at The Carleton, it actually fails my self-awareness test and any points awarded are nullified.

It factor – (1)I stand by my original review of the Carleton in the category. This is a solid “local.” Welcoming but not too welcoming. Full of slightly rumpled charm. And I want an “ugly club” t-shirt.

Music – (0) Nothing memorable. Was it a playlist? Was it radio? Was it hockey? I have no fucking recollection.

Bonus Points – (1)I know that it’s a contradiction to award a bonus point for this, since I just deducted a point for it in another category, but fuck you, I do what I want, and I’m awarding a bonus point for the Ugly Club t-shirt.

Rochester Pub - 5:00pm, May 3, 2014

Glenn – (4/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? A couple of T3s to set the mood (1/10), Hung-over? Nope – Previous night’s gin and tonics worn off (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (6/10) The stout and meal filled my belly to bursting before it could get ugly.

Atmosphere – (1) Kind of worn. 3 distinct areas – the bar, the big room/patio and upstairs party room which wasn't open. Didn't know the party room existed until late in the evening. It kind of blew my mind. Sat in the big room/patio. Lots of worn wood paneling and a comical hand drawn sign to warn patrons of possible spontaneous combustion from a heater.

Staff – (1) Big dude with beard and suspenders. Glass was never empty. Great service!

(Ir)Regulars – (0) Empty at 5 and then the regulars trickled in, sitting at the bar. A big group of hipsters sat in the big room with us later in the evening. Not enough contact to get an impression. No threat of violence which is always a plus.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1)Large eastern Ontario on tap selection. Exclusively Ontario. Impressive.

Bathrooms – (0) 1 unisex on the main-floor with a plywood patch on the floor that is a bit of a tripping hazard. Separate men and women’s bathrooms upstairs. 1 of 2 urinals in working order. Good enough for me.

Lack of Self Awareness – (0) Not really trying to be anything more than it really is. It factor – 1 Only 1 small TV at the bar! A place for talking.

Music – (0) It was radio or generic rock, nothing special. Live music on Tuesday’s with horns. Might check that out.

Bonus Points – (1) Venison and portable mushroom pie on the menu! Not sure how clean the kitchen is but the pie was delicious and the salad fresh and crunchy. Decent menu and decent prices.

Robin – (3/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10). Hung-over? Nope. 3 pints of stout the night before (1/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (7.5/10). It may have been a stumbly walk home.

Atmosphere – (1) A 1980’s breakfast nook with split cushions greets patrons as they first walk in. It does not appear that anyone has made any changes to the decor since the mid-1990’s, which, based on the FIFA sticker on the window, may have been when the patio/porch room was added. Wood paneled walls in the main drinking area and faux brick wallpaper in the main room, plus kitchen chairs from the 80’s and worn carpeting add to the tired, worn vibe. Only one television over the bar, which played TLC reality programming the entire time we were there. Awesome.

Staff – (1) Only one guy working. Friendly, but not too friendly. I’m pretty sure he actually cooked our meals too. Plus, he never once commented on the “Practical Taxidermy” text on the table. I bet he’s seen much weirder shit.

(Ir)Regulars – (-1)Pretty quiet. Totally empty at 5, and a few souls left around the bar at 11. Only 2 other tables. Nothing remarkable. Unlike my fellow reviewer, I enjoy the prospect of a dive bar fight. ( Although the porch might have collapsed if it came to that.)

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (1) Excellent selection of micro-brews available. No quarts ordered.

Bathrooms – (0) A two inch gap under the door of the main-floor washroom, plus an intermittently working fan, means everyone sitting at the bar can hear you pee. Awkward. Questionable plywood patch in the middle of the floor. Actually, questionable floor period. Much nicer washrooms upstairs, adjacent to the party room.

Lack of Self Awareness – (1) Really doesn’t give a shit. Hidden away from the main drag in Little Italy, minimal advertisement, no website and no merchandise.

Music – (-1) Nothing memorable – well, except for that strange moment I realized that we were all listening to Counting Crows in a dive bar manned by a giant lumberjack dude.

Bonus Points – (1) It’s been mentioned already but I’m awarding a bonus point for our barman not even addressing the taxidermy manual on the table. Plus the food was good. Which I guess means I'm awarding double staff points. Fuck it. He deserved it.

Chateau Lafayette - 8:00 pm, February 23, 2014

Robin - (4/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? 4 pre-beer and one short nap (3/10), Hung-over? Nope (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (7/10)

Atmosphere – 1

Small and a little run-down but I like the bulletin board and high tables. I love feeling like I’m sitting at the kids table at Thanksgiving dinner; especially when someone is serving the kids sweet, sweet draft beer.

Staff – 1

Like the Dom. Big and surly. Still my favourite. Plus, table service!

(Ir)Regulars – 0

Almost totally empty at 8pm on a Sunday except for one lonely regular and the band hanging out at the bar. Table next to us asked us to join in a game of Cards Against Humanity. Clearly members of my tribe.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – 0

Reasonable beer selection, nothing unexpected for the market and hipster crowd.

Bathrooms – (0)

Tiny but functional and reasonably clean.

Lack of Self Awareness – -1

The “Laff” merchandise display indicates a level of self-awareness, plus the “hipness” of the after 10pm crowd indicates that this is not an un-discovered gem.

It factor – 1

Very comfortable, slightly rundown pub. I can’t explain why, but I felt at ease here. Perhaps it was all the lucky Ron posters? Sigh, just like home…

Music -1

Classic country Sundays from 7-11pm. The playlist kept stopping and starting, which left some really weird moments of silence. Great bluegrass/classic country live band though once people started trickling in.

Bonus Points – 1

No food for sale but you can order pizza and have it delivered to your table. Or you can smuggle McDonald’s hamburgers in your coat like Traynor. No one gives a shit. I actually think this is brilliant. You’re not limited to any one menu. You can have anything your heart desires (so long as they deliver). The world is your oyster.

Delano - (?) Still too fucking hungover to rate anything.

Dominion Tavern - 5:30 pm, February 9, 2014

Robin - (5/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? 1 pre-beer (1/10), Hung-over? Nope (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (7/10)

Atmosphere – 1

A little (a lot) run-down but with lots of character, including mirrored paneling, discount 1980's tables and chairs (with very questionable padding), and threadbare carpeting which is still actively emitting the nicotine of generations past. Wall mounted breath mint dispenser on offer to cope with those pesky RIDE programs. Plus colourful punk/rockabilly posters on the walls and free pool till 9pm and the Walking Dead marathon on AMC was a nice change from sports (although there was no sound and the tv settings were maybe a little off).

Staff – 1

Big and surly. My favourite.

(Ir)Regulars – 0

There was a regular shift change around the 8pm mark. Nothing too remarkable except for the dude with the tricked out but clearly unused work boots.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – 1

Large beer selection and pitchers filled to the brim but $9 quarts are the priciest we've seen yet.

It is the market though, so even though this is a (delightful) shithole, it could be worse.

Bathrooms – (-1)

Basement bathrooms had a very distinct outhouse/septic system back-up odour. Management appeared to be trying to cover the scent with copious amounts of mint air freshener. It will be a while before I can enjoy fresh-mint gum again.

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

There's really not a lot of "try" here, besides the beer selection of course.

It factor – 1

The Dom straddles the line between seedy and just run of the mill sketchy, plus there's the convenience of being situated between the peeler bar and the best street meat vendor. As well, this reviewer knows the backyard patio in the summer is lovely. I would call this one of the best bars in the market.

Music -1

Drive-By-Truckers playlist. They had me at "Too Much Sex, Too Little Jesus."

Bonus Points – 0

I really want to award a bonus point here because of how much I enjoy the Dom, but nothing really all that spectacular or life altering happened during our visit, except I will now be making a point of choosing the unpadded chairs. Thanks a lot, Traynor. You asshole.

Delano - (6/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? 1 pre-beer (1/10), Hung-over? Mildly (3/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (7/10)

Atmosphere – 1

Small, dark, dingy, haphazardly laid out, and mismatching furniture just like a dive should be. Free pool until 7.

Staff – 1

Big, never smiles, and efficient. Said thanks when I brought glasses to the bar.

(Ir)Regulars – 0

Pretty standard day time and night time crews. The lady crying in her friends' arms for two hours was a little much but then again who am I to judge?

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – 1

Huge beer selection with possibly a red wine option but why would you want to? Pricier than most but given it's location in the market it's not a surprise. Conveniently located downstairs from Barefax for those lonely nights.

Bathrooms – 1

Downstairs bathroom is huge and clean. Almost too much room as you could fit 50 people in there in a pinch. Could double as a makeshift bomb shelter.

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

For a place that is located where it is, I generally expect management to milk it for all it's worth. I respect a place that stays true to it's questionable values.

It factor – 1

This is one of the few places in the market I would consider going regularly.

Music – 0

I don't recall hearing a song I liked but also not any that I dislike.

Bonus Points – 1

The 25c Clorets machine was a fine touch straight out of another era.

Bathroom decor!

Carleton Tavern - 16:30 pm, February 2, 2014

Robin - (5/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? 1 pre-beer (1/10), Hung-over? Nope (0/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (9.5/10)

Atmosphere – 1

Note: Super Bowl Weekend - may be a totally different atmosphere on a regular day.

A little run-down/well-loved but with lots of character, including original wood paneling and stained glass windows, as well as random photos and clippings tacked up everywhere. There was also an unusual beer station (instead of a bar) that looked like it had been re-purposed from a cafeteria.

Staff – 1

Staff all appeared to be skilled at serving, and friendly but not too friendly. Plus, old men with change dispensers...

(Ir)Regulars – 1

The Tavern was packed with regulars. I'm assuming that they all don't typically come on the same night, but again Super Bowl is an exception. Solidly working class without a lot of sleazy folks (except for that fucking Richard Traynor).

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – (-1)

No spirits. Unable to order Caesar but menu separating beers by size was appreciated. Sometimes you don't care what you have as long as it's big ass! On that note $8.925 quarts (strange accounting system - maybe there was a 2 quart special? Which feels like a terrible idea).

Bathrooms – 0

2 ladies bathrooms in one area. Both exactly the same. Clean and basic. Maybe a legacy of the separation of the men's and ladies' lounges.

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

The Carleton looks both untouched and ravaged by time, but not in a bad way. There appear to have been no major updates, besides flat screen tv's, in decades.

It factor – 1

This is a solid "local." Welcoming but not too welcoming. Full of slightly rumpled charm. I would like to visit again to see what a regular night here looks like, plus the patio might be interesting come summer. And I want an "ugly club" t-shirt.

Music - 0

Super Bowl Sunday = no tunes, so this reviewer can't award a point.

Bonus Points – 1

Since I turned into a clusterfuck shitshow with a 2 day hangover after about 7 hours at the Carleton, and will likely be apologizing to my fellow reviewer for a very long time, I feel compelled to award a bonus point. Also, 35 cent wings.

Delano - (6/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? 1 very challenging pre-beer (2/10), Hung-over? It was a difficult day (7/10)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (6/10)

Atmosphere – 1

It has the ambiance of a place that has been a family watering hole for generations. The layout and decoration is not unlike a retired Elks Lodge. Other than the front entrance which has two, unmarked doors which gives you a 50% chance of either entering, this is a somewhat welcoming place for a dive. The camp cafeteria, open-concept draught station was a nice touch.

Staff – 1

The team consisted of a young gal, a slightly less young gal, a serious middle-aged man, and a near geriatric, but energetic cook. They were competent and friendly enough although the serious man appeared to do all his paperwork in at a table in the centre of the room.

(Ir)Regulars – 1

Very busy. Superbowl Sunday, what else can you expect. The place was filled with people of all ages and also a meagre fellow with a large laptop with equally large headphone that did not appear to appreciate the surplus of patrons. Again, this is a family watering hole where fathers, mothers, aunts, uncles, cousins and everything in between come together to imbibe.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – 0

Beer and wine are your options. I felt that at $8 the quarts were higher priced than usual.

Bathrooms – 0

The men's washroom door features a window that presents a fine view of the urinals. The room is tiny so only two of the 3 urinals can be used at a time and you can forget about using the hand dryer. It's positioned precariously close to the ass of the guy at urinal #1.

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

They have their own t-shirt as it is an anniversary edition, it's more for regulars than for marketing. Nothing ironic or intentional about this joint.

It factor – 1

After sunset it appears this places avails itself to a younger, hipper crowd. Not a lot but enough to say hey, this place is cool.

Music - 0

No music b/c of the game but there is a coin operated jukebox. I think a lady did manage to get a song going at one point but it didn't last and was obviously forgettable.

Bonus Points – 1

Wing special, random and old newspaper clippings posted to the wall, super old cook, and they have their own 75th anniversary t-shirt. Plus that two-front door gag is quite creative. That's enough for me.

Concorde Tavern - 16:30, January 25, 2014

Robin - (6/8)

Baseline entering: Drunk? Nope (0/10), Hung-over? Yep (4/10 on the praying for death scale)

Baseline leaving: Drunk? Yep (7/10)

Atmosphere – 1

The combination of psychedelic carpeting with the Caribbean themed murals, 6:30 pm disco ball, and random beer swag was interesting and evocative. Plus the bowling alley/urinal puck/cigarette smell enhanced the visitor experience.

Staff – 1

Staff members at the bar had definitely “seen shit,” and, in fact, were seeing shit while we were there. Also, all evidence to the contrary, I think our bartender may have been my age. Plus, the sketchy front desk clerk looked like he had seen a dead hooker or two.

(Ir)Regulars – 1

The upstairs hourly motel and off-track betting allowed for some excellent interactions with hookers/johns, and new friends at the bar (Mark and Anne) were exceptionally welcoming and helpful.

Selection (or lack thereof)/Quart Price-point – 1

No draft. Enough said. Caesar made exactly as requested and the Clamato appeared to still be "on." $8.50 quarts.

Bathrooms – 1

Pink toilets with familiar gold walls. The Concorde and I have excellent taste.

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

The love that went into those tropical bird murals was not ironic.

It factor – 0

I’ll be back and I'll make others go too. I opted to neither add nor substract a point here because, while I enjoyed myself, I don't know that this is an everyday watering hole for me. There's a sadness to the whole establishment (which may be attributable to the unwelcoming weather.)

Music - 0

No money in the machine, no tunes. Sometimes. This really enhanced the overall "sad/strange" vibe. Well, this and the wasted lady dancing with herself under the disco ball at 7pm.

Bonus Points – 0

I may be denying a bonus point just because this is the first dive and I want to allow room to rate someplace truly spectacular

Delano - (7/8)

Baseline entering:

- Drunk? Had a beer to nurse hangover (1/10)

- Hung-over? Two stops on the karaoke train the night before (5/10)

Baseline leaving:

- Drunk? Yes but still with plenty of life energy (6/10)

Atmosphere – 1

Cozy with great carpeting, perhaps a bowling alley at one time since it's located down two flights of stairs. Dart boards and disco ball occupied the same area (changes over at 6:30seemingly regardless of usage). Perhaps a little too spacious.

Staff – 1

Quite friendly. Definitely has seen some things but still readily able to serve with a smile.

(Ir)Regulars – 1

Saw two rounds of regulars, most seemingly fellow employees and/or friends. Bar-side banter, pool table-side banter. No one seems to be concerned with the harmless, heavily intoxicated clientele.

Selection (or lack thereof) – 0

No draught -- a blessing in disguise -- and don't scoff at mixed drinks but pretty standard otherwise.

Bathrooms – 1

Wonderfully tiled and four of everything (four urinals, four toilets, fours sinks with mirrors).

Lack of Self Awareness – 1

They appear to have been doing the same thing since at least the early 90s. That's my hunch as to the last injection of time and effort possibly injunction with switching over from a bowling alley.

It factor – 1

It feels like it could get dangerous and unforgiving on weekends and it is somewhat out of the way, but I offered a point here since it's worthy of further field work.

Bonus Points – 1

Bonus point for the outdated sports paraphernalia and that the server gave us three free rounds of pool.

4 of everything!!!!

No, Seriously! 4 of Everything!

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