lost//confused//forgotten
Friendship is one of those precarious things that we sometimes fail to recognise how important they are until we lose them. But then our pride and our egos often prevent us from seeking to renew or repair them.
This has happened to me quite recently and I have spent the past few months replaying every conversation in my mind. I repeatedly considered what I could have changed, where I may have gone wrong and if there had been any signs?
My answers to these questions are still to this day unanswered. But despite the lack of understanding behind why this friendship had been terminated, I realised something far greater about myself and my approach to those whom I cherish dearly.
It is through the struggles and the experience of loss that we act emotionally without any rational thought. But often this is where we misjudge our actions. I was under the impression that when we lose someone whom we care and love suddenly - with no reason (or no given reason); we tend to hold on tighter, try harder, work harder to return to how your relationship once was.
But when this doesn’t work, we think distance is the next best solution, giving them time to gather their thoughts, where we ultimately hope they shall realise that they do miss us and want us back in their lives.
But I ask you, what do we do when they realise they don’t want us back, when they no longer wish to be a part of our lives?
The person who I lost/am in the process of losing, no longer wishes to be a part of my life. Sadly, the part of me who is fully aware that both giving him distance will simply add more distance between our relationship and pestering him will only push him further away is still unable to let it be put to bed.
I love him, I care about his wellbeing, I need him and I want him in my life.
The scenarios I look back to and the ones I hypothetically create remind me how important he has been in my life and how important I want him to remain in it.
A relationship always brings about its tribulations and trials, but it also has its moments of reminding you that happiness is an obtainable state.
There have been moments in the past three months where the first person I wish to call or speak to have been him.
But it is at these specific moments we have to remind ourselves that for a relationship and a friendship to work, we must listen just as much as need to be listened to.
His absence, as I am sure it can often feel the same for those of you who have lost someone whom you cherish and care for whether it be platonically or romantically, has made me question who I was as a person and who I have become having embarked on a journey - mine specifically being university.
I find myself doubting my contentment with who I am becoming and the direction I am heading in. This lack of self-belief as a result of a lost relationship only re-affirmed, to myself in particular, how important my friendship with this individual truly is.
It is these individuals whom we should never let go from our lives. These inspirational, motivational and ultimately influential individuals often help us to be great. They offer us direction when we do not seek it, they have this ability to change our lives for the better, when we do not realise that we need the change.
Yes, I may to many sound overly dramatic about the loss of this singular friendship, but when you lose an a relationship like this, you are left with a gaping hole that no one can seem to fill.
//So take this as you will, but I urge you to take the time to thank those loved ones in your lives for being there and supporting you through all the times both thick and thin, in their own special and particular way. //
Because without them or that single person, you will be left feeling;
lost
confused
& forgotten.
~
