preferential disclosure

an outlet that sometimes makes sense

[outlyers]

Don’t trip, otherwise you’ll fall

It was summer that left me in a void, a void that encompassed not a single day in winter but a whole season that carried the weight of this feeling I’ve met before.

I carry this empty soul, like an ocean drifting me further from the sanctuary I had loved, it was a beacon that calls out at me when the moon retreats from its wake.

The air is swept from your lungs, like moving at 100 miles per hour but you cannot see or hear a thing. This disfigured image stands before me, we’ve met before I say, he nods as I lay my hands unknowingly over his and carries me back to where I’d tried to hide from before.

[outlyers]

Flesh and bones

don’t be too hard on yourself, your skin and fingers aren’t made to wither on what could have been and what could possibly be. I hope you learn to embrace your vulnerability, your sensitivity, those slight smiles you make when you hear how beautiful you look when you laugh; it’s your best quality. you’re only human, I wouldn’t want you to change yourself beyond what you could recognize, this is you, a wholeheartedly warm being with so much love to give you would break every vessel in your body until there’s no more love left for yourself. This is the burden of a heart of glass, you only let light pass through, you reflect the warmth of those who bring you joy and that joy, even if it’s for a mere second, can patiently heal every burden you carry on your shoulders. don’t be too hard on yourself, you are still learning to share your love to those around you, whilst still leaving some for yourself.

[outlyers]

First of all,

I am sorry for letting myself get the best of me, I am sorry for overthinking situations beyond what they were from the beginning, I am sorry for relying on your constant reassurance on who I am as a person, I am sorry for lingering on details that are not worth our time of day. I am still trying to find myself, the kind of person who sees the imperfect beauty in each and everything we encounter, the kind of person who isn’t afraid to put their heart on their hands and embrace their vulnerable self, the kind of person who loves themselves enough to share that love to those around them. I don’t want to apologize anymore for reasons that are beyond what either of our hearts can handle. I want to enjoy this journey of life with you, find the warmth in each other’s wake, reminisce on our achievements so far, and the dreams of our future. I want to hold your hands for the rest of my days, but before I can do that, I have to learn to love holding my own.

[outlyers]

I wish love was so easy

You could feel flowers fall from his skin and his lips, they were petals of hibiscus, they drew you in, asking to let go of what could be. Why did I feel like this, I still wouldn’t know. The air remains sentimental, caressing my neck, as it lays my worries on a bed of dandelions, carrying me to a languid slumber. He continues to whisper from under my tongue, yet only a ringing of silence, I couldn’t waiver, is left to consume me.

I follow the tracks of sun, he leaves me warm, waiting for daylight to kiss me goodnight and I could only hope that he grips me tighter than he ever could, before diving into deep waters. My heart has been heavy, all I ask is for your patience, and all I need from you is to hold me closer. My dear child, you’ve been hurt, I can see, but please let your heart grow.

You are were destined to be loved.

[outlyers]

It’s only you,

He was a Sunday afternoon, the sweet taste of his glance could turn milk into honey and you could never forget his nonchalant gestures that leave you longing to catch your breath. And like a weekend, his presence would leave you dreaming a dream when you could finally let out a sigh, one large enough to burn the taste of incense from your tongue and heavy in your heart.

He yearns for those nights when he can finally escape God’s own country and venture into places only innocent hearts could bare to imagine. And like Icarus, he almost wished he held the warmth of the sun in his hands. But he was never meant for the world’s melancholy, instead he will go and befriend the moon, lay away with the stories that were once whispered to the breeze and hum songs until dawn greets him once more.

[outlyers]

For the one I love,

We lay against sun stroked sheets, dry as day, but warmer than a mother’s kiss. He smelt of daylight, I rest my cheeks on the nape of his neck and my fingers follow the curves that line his skin. He had the hands of an honest man, he deeply sighs with such delight and I hold onto them with a wish that they never leave. He had those eyes, like falling in the depths of warm water, you lose all sensations in your fingertips.

And suddenly, you realise how soft your heart truly is.

[outlyers]

Dean

He was the scent of an October afternoon, longingly warm and gentle, like an infinite day of spring, where all the flowers in bloom stood still and carried nothing but the aroma of fresh peonies with every word he spoke. He was the warmth of a December evening, a kind soul that almost swept past my fingertips, until the sun rises and you can feel every bit of your body once more when I fall onto his embrace. He was the ease of an April morning, like an old tree that holds a hint of nostalgia, and with every rustle of leaves you leave me with nothing else to look forward to but a fresh coffee in one hand and you in the other. He was the contentment of an August night, comfortably quiet but memorable, like melting into a cold bed, where I am left yearning to be the cool air and sigh of relief that you hold on to before you wish the moon and stars goodnight.

[outlyers]

“Call me by your name and I’ll call you by mine”

He whispered those few words as we sat hidden beneath the tall cattails, I lay my head on your chest and wait for the humming of the breeze to settle, to float me away from what we both knew was nearing, but neither of us has any courage of saying a word. Isn’t it scary to think that this could be the last time I could stroke your hair, the last time I could get lost in your eyes, in your soul, the last time that I could honestly forget that seconds and minutes were carrying us along the tides. He said let’s find the seasons drive in through our window; let the dusted light settle and slowly crawl over my body and yours. We lie over wrinkled sheets, your fingers lightly running down mine, the curves of my legs have never felt so much as one when it was intertwined with yours. You follow the lines that track down from my face and towards my spine and I am so jealous, still, of what we could’ve had. What happens when you find your other half at the wrong time? When both beings are forbidden to become one. I called my name to you, repeatedly whispering and waiting for either of us to leave, little did I know, our souls were already oceans apart.

[outlyers]

Dear David

I want to spend those Sundays at home with you, me in my corner, you in yours. Let’s breathe the crisp morning dews, relish the taste of our sentiments, greet the innocence in each others eyes, and embrace the warmth that hugs our very skin. Let’s catch the reflections of midday, let ourselves fall into the meadows of spring; forget we were visitors on this land, and dissolve slowly into each other’s fingertips. Let’s bid farewell to Sunday night, forget the worries that rests on our shoulders, whisper sweet nothings from your mouth into mine, and I can rest peacefully knowing the sun rises for a new day with you.

[outlyers]

Let me dissolve back into the strokes of sun; until my flesh goes numb, my feet remain afloat, and my heart still longing to be understood.

[outlyers]

David

He was this forgotten dream, the ones that you never wish had been dreams from the beginning. He leaves you catching your breath, but constantly longing to taste his. Do you remember waking to those mornings, like you had felt all the seasons in one night; I only ever saw this with you. Like the moon, he carried this heavy sense of cool, as if you made a promise to the earth and trees. It makes me wonder if I’d ever see you eye to eye. I guess, til then, I’ll wait until these dreams can gather all my thoughts to a longing caress.

[outlyers]

Caress

I’ve always wondered if he was nothing more than just a dream. Like innocence painted over walls, he always reminded me of my childhood. The way he leans at the door frame like a shadowed figure, he made it so easy for my heart to fall. Pulling my body closer, he didn’t utter a word, but you could feel every bit of gratitude that was laid from the warmth of his eyes. And his smile, oh that smile, like sun strokes that casts across opened curtains at dawn, his face scatters my thoughts and all I could feel is his entrusting embrace. Further and further, I can feel my mind lose touch with reality. I lose sensations in my fingertips and all across my lips. And for once in so long, there was silence in my mind, warmth in my heart and peace in my soul.

[outlyers]

North North West

Like wilting evergreen I long for those words that keep me from whispering sweet nothings to the willows at dawn. Without notice, you pull me under, beyond what my breath could handle, and so, I choke. I no longer see the nostalgia that used to dance with your words, the way my stomach loses all it’s sense of control, or how every hair on my body stands the moment your eyes would lay over mine. I wait until all the dust settles, beneath what only seemed like dreams. And yet, after all that, I still find you casting this constant murmur, that collects every speckle of sweat above my skin. My heart doesn’t ache like it used, but I guess wounds always hurt more when they’re made by someone you love(d).

[outlyers]

Night Shift

He lets these nights overcome his thoughts, like a lingering that he'd wished had never been; it keeps him up at night. A dull light reflects back on this sorrowing facade, a tapping noise, comfortingly annoying. It calls to him; reaching deeper into his soul. With every movement he makes, he can feel his body sink closer, realizing that it's never going to be. That, regardless of what he wants, or what he doesn't, this dull light will always remain a burden to him. He flicks each light on and off, as if he was waiting for temperatures to reach a sweet consistency. Even when it burns his tongue, all he can feel, and all he can still taste, is your breath, that sweet sigh of not knowing whether this was the last time he'll see you or feel you again. It always felt like you were there, as if your lips were touching each wrinkle and hair on the back of his neck, waiting for him to fall, fall like it was the first time he had laid those hopeful eyes on that very smile of yours.

[outlyers]

“She was summer and he was winter; both guided by personal caprice but they never, for one moment, left without saying good morning at dawn.”

[outlyers]

Sunrise; Sunset

It was at that moment you realize all intimate moments are just temporary. We dream this kind of realization, but we don't ever really want it to happen. This sudden onset of emotion floods every vessel in your body. And it pains me to think that people can actually make others feel like this with a single few words. You build up that moment in your mind,  thinking that you've finally grasped happiness by the fingertips. And just when you think that the world is finally on your side, it crumbles. You can't help but feel as if nothing can be done about it. So you just surrender, raising that white flag in the air like nothing can ever fix that moment. It's so painful; this single moment. In a heartbeat, all you wanna do is crawl into a crevice and hope that time will just restart,  that you can just redo it all.  But life goes on, you move on, and people continue to live.

[outlyers]

Poignant 

Speckles of ashes are scattered across the breeze. With each breath that he takes, he was slowly cremating himself into a trance; one that can only soothe a broken heart. It was consoling, something warm, like the brushing of legs under an embracing blanket in winter. Soaking up daylight from mother's morning breath, he leaves the world and embraces this loving solidarity. Loneliness became his only friend, and yet as the morning sets further across the horizon, it became something he never wanted. Temperatures rise, leaving him in a evaporated state. Like the ashes he once scattered, he dissolves back into the songs of what should've been different.