Autobiography

Between life and death.

[outofit-leavemealone]

They asked me why I couldn’t stay,

Told me about all the things I would miss,

The taste of cherries,

I haven’t found love and this life is so unforgiving,

I never wanted the world,

And already it’s being taken away from me,

Because of choices I wish I could call mistakes,

But I have made too many of them,

Now every night I fall asleep terrified of what the next morning might bring,

I can’t even remember what I feels like to dream,

Even of something as simple as being something worth more tomorrow,

For now I am waiting die,

God willing sometime long from now he will bring me back to life.

[outofit-leavemealone]

The Wolf

I hope you always remember the love you felt in the morning light,

As I try to escape the dark night of the soul,

There’s a wolf waiting for me to die,

She preys in the rows of the trees,

On people just like me,

She is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen,

God if you’re listening,

Please forgive me.

[outofit-leavemealone]

God’s never going to forgive us,

There’s shells and broken glass everywhere,

You can see through every hole in the wall into the next room,

All the picture frames have faded behind the tears I’ve cried

[outofit-leavemealone]

There’s nowhere I haven’t been,

Slamming the highway harder than you could imagine,

There’s demons right behind me,

Screaming childhood memories,

Remember me, remember me,

Behind the glass everyone enjoys when I’m gone,

Watching life go by I wish I couldn’t see it,

Save the best for last but it’s only getting worse,

The desert is destiny buried in the dirt,

I’m sorry I pulled the wool over your eyes mom,

While there was a beautiful smile those demons have been here a while,

If I let you see, you’d know this is the end of me,

[outofit-leavemealone]

I’ve seen the worst this world has to offer,

Watching a man crawl around on the gas station floor with tears in his eyes because he can’t find his needle and it’s Christmas Eve,

2 blocks from here in any direction there’s a child pretending to sleep, intently listening for footsteps on the ceiling,

Different realities that flow right past one another but never touch,

Stop telling the kids Santa’s real and this is at good as it’s going to get,

Everything you do right now will define who you will always be,

Stop dreaming and start believing in this reality we live in until you’ve lost all feeling,

You’re six years old for Christ sake! Where’s your three piece suit and your amphetamines?

How could you come to work without your pills but you brought in all these hopes and dreams?

Because I wanted to believe even for a second,

I could’ve been anything.

[outofit-leavemealone]

This is how the world broke my heart,

I needed help, now I need a miracle,

Listening to wolves in their suits and ties selling me false hope behind lifeless eyes,

I couldn’t even figure out what they were before they took my hopes and dreams,

Feeding me pills I didn’t need so I could be who they wanted me to be,

We all knew I never could and now I don’t even know who I am,

Yelling and screaming and burying me with their disappointed eyes,

Pass the blame on the child without a choice,

Now he’s a fucking junkie and we can’t bare to look at it,

He just took the vacuum a part and cleaned his house for the third time today but never went outside,

We don’t bother to call or even ask if he’s alright because the unsaid truth speaks through consequences.

[outofit-leavemealone]

They said it takes grit but you’re going to need a hell of a lot more than that,

The harlequins come in spring and they won’t leave you alone until they’re done,

Dance with the music and sing wine with melody,

What I would do to be loved by anything,

Facing the world with white knuckles and a clenched jaw,

Eyes that have transformed from milk and honey to shotguns and razor wire,

[outofit-leavemealone]

You look me in my eyes unable to register the emotional turmoil,

Glancing outside the windowpane you ask me, “When will you sleep again?”

Grinning through the cigarette smoke and the levee broke under the weight,

When the sun seizes to rise I will rest my eyes,

Time has gone and left me behind in limbo with my past and unwanted memories,

Cure the lonelinesss with isolation and it all leads into self pity,

I’m so far from where I need to be that I’ve started digging my own grave,

[outofit-leavemealone]

I am a wolf and my disguise is whatever I need it to be,

You will never be within arms reach of anything I hold inside,

My life is to please the simple mind until I am tired and bored,

Then I tear it apart spin it around and take it to every limit I think it can withstand,

This is just a game to me because the emotions are beyond recollection,

Sick and methodical but I’m the only one moving any pieces,

Speaking when every other mouth won’t look at the elephant in the room,

I’m so good at what I do,

Running around with my iron fist that’s more than seen it’s years,

I’ve yelled till I’ve lost my voice and gained half of the respect my delusional mind thinks I have.

[outofit-leavemealone]

Theres nothing left to say or maybe just know way to say it,

God Damn me and how long this has gone on,

Stumbling in and out of different places all over everywhere,

Every night I lay alone with the different ceilings and floorboards, 

In the end it will always just be me inside slowly rotting away,

Fighting for a feeling I can't ever remember feeling now,

I try to remember these days as I watch it spin out of control,

What the fuck have you done,

Handed the world time and time again and lost it all,

I loved it all though, 

The good in me the part you'll never see,

I sit on the other side of the bridge I just burned down,

The sad fact is I built that bridge and many others just like it,

It all ends the same,

it will always end the same,

Moments of light give way to the ever present darkness,

[outofit-leavemealone]

The weight of it all had become more than I can bare,

Swallowed by mistakes and a checkered past,

Eyes of honeycomb and jasmine leave me black and grey,

It was all just a dream to be left behind and never felt again,

I die every night just to wake up again in the false hope things could be better again,

[outofit-leavemealone]

I’ve thought of death and salvation,

Living a life where they are on their opposite spectrums,

The mornings are promising while the nights are suffocating,

Trust is a needle in a haystack and I’ve set the the entire field on fire looking for it,

[outofit-leavemealone]

My Life In The Gutter

Nothing ever changes,

I have 4 sisters, 3 brothers, 2 mothers, 1 father, and this man that’s really just a wolf in disguise,

Hiding behind the curtain eating us all alive,

Not a single one of them loved me,

they just keep asking me for more,

after everything they took,

We know we’ve made you carry our sins and bare the weight of the world,

If you’re ever going make us love you better make some room because here’s some more,

My mother is not my mother just some woman who takes her life out on me,

She tells me I need learn boundaries but she’s never let me be free,

She forced pills down my throat but hates me if I do the same thing,

I am thankful for an unconditional love I’ve never known and resentful toward the door I’ve been shown,

Left out in the cold,

On my own,

Tell my mother as she lays in the arms of another while she’s married to my father that I loved her,

Tell my father as he hides in our basement ravaging the foundation that I miss him,

If there was a purpose for the pain I would’ve made room,

You took the home I grew up in and you burned it to the ground,

You did it by saying, “We don’t want you around.”

So now I hold onto ashes and cry over dirt,

Nothing ever came of this but it took everything from me,

I just want to be free.

[outofit-leavemealone]

You look at me the way I always needed someone to,

Seeing right through me and past the beast,

He is untamed but weary,

There’s no fight left after the surrender,

Give me a life of love and good measure,

I don’t want to walk these streets alone anymore,

Stumbling home right before the sun rises,

There’s no purpose in the madness,

I’m paralyzed,

Everything that was so right for so long now just feels so wrong,

I believed that God would come save me and tonight I told my mother she lied,

There’s nothing in those skies that will save us and I’ve never been more upset,

I dreamed of outstretched arms and was given a closed fist,

Lived and died in the gutter but at least I saw the stars,

You stand in front of me ready to love again and I stand in front of you a hollow man.

[outofit-leavemealone]

I sell the whole world vices in hopes of buying my way out of my own,

Here’s some more money,

I hope it fills the holes in you that it has put in me,

Wrapping my mind about how to obtain anything im this world except a peace of mind,

I used to love poetry and music but that’s not good enough so now I smoke drugs to get by,

If I can’t be what I want to be I’d rather be nothing at all,

[outofit-leavemealone]

Everyday I run from the imminent past,

It’s racing after my heart and trapped inside my mind,

Leave everything you love behind and save your life,

There’s no time to stand still when you’re running from yourself,

How the sun can shine and die all within the blink of an eye,

I’ve watched love turn to leave so many times I’m not sure it’s not the same thing,

It feels like Heaven and I’m sure it is,

[outofit-leavemealone]

God, I found Hell

The preacher towers over those of us in the gutter trying to bury us in our shame,

Simple minded fools,

There’s no amount of singing that will drown out our screaming,

Don’t baptize me in the waters drown me in them,

Let me not drink your wine in remembrance but to help me forget,

They put nails in his hands and feet and a crown of thorns around his head,

“He died for your sins so you could live again.”

They tell there stories as I sit silent with a shit eating grin,

God hung from a cross while I hung from a ceiling fan,

Trying to defeat death so we could both live again,

He went to Heaven and I woke up on the floor just where I had always been,

Speak to me like you know what I mean and nod your head,

How do you keep on living when you’re already dead?