Forgiveness ( an essay to people with contemptible fathers )
This started out as a Facebook post and as I began typing I noticed that this might be better on my blog. So here is it .
Now before I post anything I ask myself two questions 1. How will this help me 2. How will this help someone else. It may seem like Iām completely comfortable with sharing and putting myself out there but I hate it . I only do it when I feel like there is something to learn. Whether itās about being body positive , self love or whatever, I usually post to be a guide for women who need it and those who donāt usually get annoyed by my post . Being open is not easy and it leaves room for people to judge you and criticize you freely . People interpret your actions and form opinions that may be completely wrong but Iām willing to take that risk if it helps one person including myself. With that Iām going to post what Iām gonna post and hopefully you learn from it. If not then you read it and you learned something about me. Itās also me making peace about a topic that I think need to openly make peace with , while being respectful.
Fathers are the backbone of the family. They influence how daughters see men and how sons become men. Since Iāve voluntarily ended my relationship with my father , Fathers Day has become awkward for me. I scroll through my timeline on social media and see all the pictures of fathers and daughters. Girls using words like protective, dedicated , The one that they could go to for advice and I cringe. To be honest Iāve been cringing for a while. When Facebook start in college, it gave me a glimpse of what a lot of father/daughter relationships were like and I think thatās when I knew something wasnāt right but I carried on with the relationship I had because it was the ā right ā thing to do.
Now I never fault my dad for being who he is. I have a deep understanding his childhood is the reason he is the way he is but he had a choice to be better than his upbringing and in someways he was. Iām always grateful that he was present and that he thought my sister and I things that men would reserve for a ā sonā; Like fixing things around the house and pushing us to be independent in that matter . As much as my father was there he wasnāt, not for me at least.
Looking back I think he realize he messed up with me but in true form it wasnāt his fault it was because my āgrandma raised youā and unlike me, my sibling was raised by him. I think he thought I was already tarnished and the reason why I wasnāt as successful in his eyes is because of my grandmaās influence. That caused a very different relationship between my sister and him that I canāt speak much about because I donāt know that much about it. Mine was more like brother and sister. I was his advisor and the one he told all his problems to. That is no place for a child and it continued into adulthood . If anything that was the reason why the relationship was severed. As he did more things ā¦ bad things , he came to me and involved me and it was my love for him that made me obey , that made me sit and listen to what he had done. Despite this because of his own self hatred he continued to critize me which was a lifelong thing that he did in the household to mask his own shortcomings.
So for the love of myself , I finally told myself that I canāt save my father and I walked away. As I walked away I got messages on my phone that were so disrespectful ( I would post some of it here but it serves no purpose to do so ) because like always he was the victim. Iām 90% sure the bashing continues today but I never say anything mean about him and actually I always wish him inner peace and wisdom . When anyone ask me I tell them what he was to me and what he did positive for me but also say that Iām done with him . Saying that is not as easy as you think.
As much as this caused controversy with one of family members and I donāt regret it at all . This family member can ask me at anytime why I chose my path but has failed to do so and maybe never will but feels like they can criticize me as if this choice was easy and it pains me that this is another thing that separates me and this family member . Unexpectedly after five years while writing this I begin to cry about varies things and I laugh at the only compliment he ever gave me which was āYou would make a good wife because you have a great sense of humorā after my mom got offended at a joke ; Despite this I know walking away was the best thing I could do for myself.
Since Iāve learned that you canāt take care of yourself if youāre always taking care of other peoples problems and because at such a young age I was always trying to help him with his problems I learned very early to neglect myself. Now without his problems and issues Iām left to face my own. The ending of this relationship made me realize that a man , a husband A father or a boyfriend should protect the women that he loves. A daughters place is not in her parents issues or a daughters place is not to rescue her father and a daughter is not to blame when things go wrong in her parentās life. My place was to learn from you, to look up to you and to feel protected.
So let me wrap this up. After all is said
And done I forgive him. I forgive him for everything and I hope he learns to love himself and I hope he discovers what his purpose in life because I realize itās these things that were lacking. So you may ask why not send this to him thatās because Iāve tried . Iāve tried in the past to sit down and have conversations but when someone is always the victim and is always right itās very hard to get any other perspectives in there because no matter what youāre wrong so itās like talking to a brick wall.
This post more for me but remember itās also for those who lack a father figure. Again what compelled me to post this is I saw the posts from people who donāt have the best father figures and Fatherās Day is a little shaky for you. I honestly wished we held man to a higher standard as we expect mothers to be. I hope you find peace wherever you are in your relationship with your father. Whether itās realizing that itās not the best relationship or not hearing from him or not knowing him ,Youāre not alone the best thing you could do is make peace , walk away and learn because when itās your turn to be a father or to pick a man for your father you can end a negative cycle by being or picking someone different
To the great dads that I grew up seeing, to the dads that Iām friends with and to dads that Iāve dated happy Fatherās Day. You give me hope that one day when Iām ready to start a family I have someone as great as you guys
