Overheard in Emergency

Tales and snippets from a level one trauma center / emergency department. **Any and all names have been changed to protect anonymity.**

[overheardinemergency]

One hat- blue, twenty-five cents, a pair of pants- khaki, one sandwich- age unknown...

Hospital security, inventorying patient belongings and coming across a moldy lunch baggie.

[overheardinemergency]

Patient has dementia and often creams... Oh, that's a very unfortunate typo.

A nurse, reading a patient chart.

[overheardinemergency]

RN #1: The safety alert read "Masturbated to completion."

RN #2: That sounds very clinical.

RN #1: But then I finished the note with "Patient refused to change out of his jizzy clothes" because I am clearly a professional.

[overheardinemergency]

So... I Uber pooled with a patient this morning. She was covered in vomit and all. It was very awkward.

A tech, on why she was booking a private Uber to go home.

[overheardinemergency]

He had two homemade quesadillas before he got here. Want to know how I know that? They were all over the stretcher when be arrived.

A tech, with regards to a very intoxicated young male.

[overheardinemergency]

Senior Resident: Room 2 is a guy who walked into a fire station at 4am and said that he had chest pain. Bro was riding the white train.

Resident: Excuse me, but which substance did he use exactly?

Senior Resident: ... Cocaine. I guess you don't hang out with nerds like me.

[overheardinemergency]

Okay, well we're going to get you some wake-up meds now.

An MD, referencing Narcan, to a patient repeatedly nodding off and becoming hypoxic.

[overheardinemergency]

So giving her a liter bolus will kill her. It's ordered but it's a bad idea. I won't be hanging that, did you have another idea?

An RN, talking on the phone to an MD

[overheardinemergency]

See us Dominicans, we fill both legs up with bricks under the cast. Then we hop in a wheelchair and go to Spain. Then we hop out and walk on through and rip that sh-t off.

A patient, under the influence of drugs and loudly proclaiming his plans.

[overheardinemergency]

I had a ham and cheese and then the squirrels ate me. I need a rabies shot.

An ETOH patient at triage.

[overheardinemergency]

Make sure you don't staple the wrong hole closed or we're going to have a problem.

A patient, while the doctor closed a puncture wound on his rear end.

[overheardinemergency]

You can use me as a sprinkler head now.

A patient,after being stuck multiple times before a successful blood draw.

[overheardinemergency]

I can see someone's eyeball hanging out but I can't with a dirty fridge. If there's one thing that's going to make me gag, it's that nastiness.

An RN after opening the break room refrigerator and immediately regretting that decision.

[overheardinemergency]

RN: Well despite the 50 minute down time, he's maintaining his pH well.

Resident: You mean /we're/ maintaining his pH well.

[overheardinemergency]

"The only cards nurses have time for."

[overheardinemergency]

Basically, anytime you find some sort of left behind mess its from Ortho. Sink clogged with plaster? Ortho. Bandages everywhere? Ortho. Blue dye on the floor? Ortho. Unless it's bloody guaze and sutures- then it's Plastics.

Overheard as part of a commentary on specialties that are bad at cleaning up after themselves.

[overheardinemergency]

Admitting writes for 60 an hour all the time and it makes me crazy. I might as well go lick my patient if that's all they need.

A nurse, on orders for maintenance fluids.