Somewhere, Someday

and I taught myself to believe every story I told. This used to be my joy journal project but it failed and that shows how screwed up my life is. So I decided to use this as a place to keep my shit together. Avatar is the work of alexiadraws and header is Robert Copu's. You're just gonna find useless rambling here so don't even bother.

[wordsnquotes]

How many times have people used a pen or paintbrush because they couldn’t pull the trigger?

Virginia Woolf, Selected Essays. (via wordsnquotes)

[timbllr]

[overtherainbow]

When I was younger I used to have a dream; I would build a village for poor people to live in. They would still have to work there, but I would somehow be able to control the economy that they would live a good enough life; not prosperous, perhaps, but not poor either. The old ones could have undisturbed peaceful days while the youngsters kept the village going. I realize now it’s very Utopian, this dream of mine. Lately my dream has shifted to me having a normal life, me being fixed, me no longer hate myself. It’s more realistic, I guess, though it’s also quite self-centric. But I’d still like for my childhood dream, a village where the poor can live in peace and content, to actually come true. My Utopian village. It doesn’t even have to be mine. I just wanna see those people finally come off of their sufferings.

[overtherainbow]

perks of having suicidal thoughts: not afraid to cross the road no more

[overtherainbow]

[overtherainbow]

[overtherainbow]

holy shit it’s in words

[overtherainbow]

it often saddens me that some of my family members—somehow, in a way—support things like racism, due to things that were taught to them when they were much younger. I mean, I was pretty much taught the same thing, but I don’t remember being taught that I should hate.

[overtherainbow]

Sometimes I think about cutting my body in half so that I could lose my hip.

[overtherainbow]

Loneliness

I get that some people are afraid of being lonely. Not being alone, but being lonely. I know some folks who can’t stand being alone, let alone being lonely. They need other people to accompany them, otherwise they’ll go nuts. I was too, at some point of my life, afraid of loneliness. But here’s a piece of writing (or rather, dialogue—since I first hear it as a dialogue in a film) that I love:

You know that story of the Russian cosmonaut? So, the cosmonaut, He's the first man ever to go into space. Right? The Russians beat the Americans. So he goes up in this big spaceship, but the only habitable part of it's very small. So the cosmonaut's in there, and he's got this portal window, and he's looking out of it, and he sees the curvature of the Earth for the first time. I mean, the first man to ever look at the planet he's from. And he's lost in that moment. And all of a sudden this strange ticking... Begins coming out of the dashboard. Rips out the control panel, right? Takes out his tools. Trying to find the sound, trying to stop the sound. But he can't find it. He can't stop it. It keeps going. Few hours into this, begins to feel like torture. A few days go by with this sound, and he knows that this small sound... will break him. He'll lose his mind. What's he gonna do? He's up in space, alone, in a space closet. He's got 25 days left to go... with this sound. So the cosmonaut decides... the only way to save his sanity... is to fall in love with this sound. So he closes his eyes... and he goes into his imagination, and then he opens them.

He doesn't hear ticking anymore. He hears music. And he spends the sailing through space in total bliss... and peace.

It’s a beautiful scene. I love it and it’s been stuck in my head ever since the first time I watched it. In this analogy, the cosmonaut is me, and my loneliness is the ticking sound. I’ve found my peace in it. Now I’m still afraid of losing people per se, but I don’t think I mind being lonely anymore.

[overtherainbow]

who you talk to when you don’t feel well

who you don’t wanna talk to when you don’t feel well

who you don’t talk to when you feel well

who you wanna talk to when you feel well

and who you wanna talk to when you don’t feel well

[overtherainbow]

"what if they send you to pesantren?"

Me: to be honest I haven't really thought about that

Voice: well. what, then?

Me: dunno. what I know for sure is I'd be forced to do things that would induce my dysphoria in such a great deal, that I might go further in self-harming and suicidal-thinking. I'd probably do more than just thinking, for the latter, depending the circumstances.

Voice: well then. what are you gonna do about that?

Me: about what? self-harm and suicidal thing? It's not like I can help it, really. I said before once that I'm not a masochist, but sometimes the only way to forget a certain pain is to engage in another pain, usually physical.

Voice: well what are you gonna do to avoid such scenario to happen then?

Me: I don't know... yet. I'll figure it out later, I guess?

[overtherainbow]

I still think Let It Go is the perfect song for transguys who went through transition

[overtherainbow]

confession. I haven’t watched Good Will Hunting up to this day for fear that it’d hit me right in the face real hard. I’m afraid of in what way that hit would affect me and how I’d recover from it. that is, if I’d ever recover from it at all.

[overtherainbow]

superslow progress

slowpoke

slow

[overtherainbow]

[overtherainbow]

Someone told me today that Remus Lupin’s vibe reminded her of me.

I know it’s not something important. And it’s not funny (as in weird) or anything, but with Lupin being the one fictional character whom I identify with most, I just wanna hold this moment a little longer please, if I may.