the ayer of our youth @overworked-underpayed - Tumblr Blog

2 May 2017 1:30 am

as my second year of college comes to a close I want to remember my acknolegements

I have organised 30 girls skinny dipping at a public pool without getting caught the first campus streaking for woman not just men I got an entire one of my classes to smoke weed before our final tomorrow

how is this the college I always had pictured when I was in high school

31 December 2016

I don’t want to fucking write today. I am tried and board and do not want to write. So much has happened since I last wrote, but I do not care. I am sick of being a slave to writing. I am sad, and weak, and a disappointment to my parents, but maybe, writing will make me feel better. For so long, writing was my only solace. It was how I made sense of the world around me. Now I feel like we are codependent lovers. It needs me for life and I need it to be alive, but writing makes me reflect and sad. I do not know if I am sad today because I am writing or because I have not been. I suppose I will understand better tomorrow, but tomorrow is a new year, marking two since I began this blog.

283

Quest once asked me if I needed to write.

I answered a quick and seemly easy yes. Everyone needs to write. I need to write to make orders at work, to send texts, to leave notes. Countless things everyday I need to use writing for in order to survive. I am just now starting to see that is a problem.

I need to be in contact with people at all times to feel anything. Any alone time brings out realizations that make me hate myself. I thrust myself into community just for nothingness. Most of the time it is not even things I like or want it is just i know without it i wont be able to stand myself.

When Quest asked me that he meant it as do I need to write stories, or journal. Sometimes the answer is yes, but right now it would be, not lately.- and that kills me.

Fuck Post Numbers (282)

Throughout all my life I have found myself striving for one thing, though it has shown many faces. When I was very young I wanted to be on tv. I could not sing, dance, or most importantly act, so I knew that was going to be a challenge. I felt like my time had come and gone with age so I move on to different dreams. New music, new styles I took a chased each dream as far as it would take me until I settled on the true behind each goal. I wanted to be young and alive. After watching a Keith Richards documentary however I realized I would have to settle with just being alive. But now tonight, watching “Almost Famous” I realized something. It is impossible to feel alive all the time. There are boring, importantly boring moments, in everyone's life. I am not alive and living a venturous life watching almost famous at this moment but it is important that I did so I could have this realization. I think life and being alive happens in the small moments. When I am working at a job I hate or making the recipe wrong. Part of me fears that I am already too old, and washed up for my dreams of somethingness, but that is what is majestic about life. Even if fame never comes, even if nothing splendid ever happens. You still lived it.

Post 281

I got a tattoo today. It was crazy. Cross that one off my bucket list and I live another day

Post 280

I’m feeling pretty lonely so I’m about to go on chatrolet but I figured I would write first. Today I went to work and after it I saw a movie with Jake. I forgot how good he smelled. Its something like weed, spirement and leather. I am still attracted to him. n the theater i wanted to lean over and kiss his lips, lick his jaw, but of corse I didnt. I have a boyfriend now. Someone who cares for me more than I understand. I’m seeing him tomorrow.

Post 279

I dont want to write. I am angry and sad and lonely and board. I just dont want to write. I am sick f writing and I am sick of not writing.

I am home for the summer. It is so much harder to return home that I thought it would. I miss the big city and I miss my boyfriend. I want to be anywhere but here. I am working at the same restaurant that I was working at three years ago. I do the same work I did when I was 16 with the same people. I feel like it doesnt matter that I have changed and that is what is disgusting. How much things around me can function without growing. I am scared to be back and I am scared to be this lonely.

Post 278

So I am back, and I am alive. Interestingly enough I am writing this in a hotel drinking shitty coffee working on my first short story. I have been working on finishing up my first year of college (twenty more days yay!) and making my artist life richer. I am nearly done with my first short story and will soon be going back to my old job in my home town. I wanted to write to fill in on my latest adventures in life. For starters I finally have all my majors declared and finalized. I am on track to graduating on time and hope to do so. i also have a weird crazy boyfriend that I am very happy with. He comforts me and we have scared with each other all the closeness a relationship should offer, all the things I had hoped to get when I was younger. I also wanted to say that I will be writing everyday after the semester ends I want to get back to my old schedual of posting everyday. I have been writing but it feels cheep to post assignments on this forem. As for tonight I want to leave you with a lecture I was lucky to have come accost today.

Post 277

I have not posted in a disgusting amount of time. I can not even tell you what day I am on, would be on, or should be on. Well I guess I can tell you, but I do not care to do the math.

Lets recap the last few months. I am in college and I am doing generally well. I have nothing lower than a B- and I am learning a lot. I have meet many new people. Some I am fortunate enough to call my friends. I have recently declared a major and hope to get my degree in English in the next four years. I wanted to double major in English and Creative Writing but they no longer allow that at my university. I am thinking about double majoring in English and Communications, with a double minor in creative writing and education. This would give me a bitching resume for a literature teacher but if I have learned on thing it is a degree does not promise you a job.

I have developed feelings for my writing tutor, who I have name on here Quest. Our “relationship” is stronger than ever but I do not foresee it becoming a dating relationship. He is moving across the country and I am sure in time we will lose communication. I have yet to tell him how I feel about him, and I may never. That is the beauty of life, you only have to divulge as much information as you would like.

As for this moment I am writing is a small coffee shop on campus. Few people come here and it is the kind of quiet I did not think a building could offer. I like it here and come to write. I have been writing countless poems lately but my writing style has changed dramatically. I might start posting them but not today. I hope to start writing again daily but my schedule is crazy. As for now I wish you all a pleasant day, and hope you enjoy the poem.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCTtfeZYrFk

#will evans #How to Find a Heaven You Don't Deserve #NPS 2015 #button poetry #poem #poetry #slam poetry #slam poem #spoken word #spoken word poetry #spoken word poem

Post 276

Over the weekend of Halloween I partied harder than I had every before. I was bound, gagged, spanked and bruised. After the first night, when I woke up covered in black in blue splotches; I wanted to escape. My skin did not feel right. Too painful, too tight, too human. I called many friends and asked them to come pick me up but they could not so I spent another night partying. I think Quest is in a similar position tonight. I will get him if he asks it of me. I will drive any distance. I will not even ask what happened. If he needs to cry, I will play music to drown out his sobs. This is not what I wanted being an adult to be like. We are all broken pieces, looking to be mended with broken pieces. My only comfort is know so may people are in this with me. I was broken those nights, and poetry gave me hope. Now, I should return my lesson. I should give back to the broken, give back to myself.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gx91fd_7G4Y

Post 275

As of today, I am four years clean, one year single, and another night empty. My body aches, cuts, and bruises adorn my body, like medals of neglect. I think back to four years ago where I was doing this to myself, but this isn't self modulation. It doesn't count since I did not do them, but I let them do them to me... I am starting to realize their i no difference between hurting myself and letting someone else do it for me.

291

I am an eternal pessimist.

day 289

Tomorrow I go back to school. I do not want to go back to school. I loath this like going to the dentist. Worse than any first day of school. I need to get to work but I am not letting myself.

day 288

You need a Quest update. I emails Quest last week asking him if he wanted to and out because I was board. Upon his reply he told me he had sustained near detrimental injuries and corrected me on versus grammatical errors. An important thing to point out is that he used the phrase “as your mentor.” When I read this I understood it to mean, he was letting me down easy because he was my mentor. I rebutted with something along the lines do not misunderstand my conduct and thank you for the correction. By this I meant that I am not trying to go after you, but thank you for explaining to me that you just see yourself as my superior. He then ended the conversation by saying, that he did not misunderstand anything and that he really did hurt his head. Then he ended with telling me I was always welcome to his correction. I have no idea what any of this means. I know my school has a strict policy on dating, but I do not know if this is the case here. Quest and I have majors in the writing field, so our words are very intentional. I want to believe that all of this has a meaning, but I do not have the time to analyze it. Quest is very lovely, but I must work on things that will work in the long run and a boy parading as a man does not fit this.

287

A lot has happened since I wrote last. I could talk about them now, and I probably will later, but I think I would be better off to talk about right now. I am home. My school is own fall break so I get to be home for a while. The sensation is one of the strangest I have ever experienced. When I was driving into town I did not feel anything, but when I got home my heart began to ache. I have changed so much, but this place can not change. All is the same and all will remain that way. I do not even have inspiration to write anymore. Sorry this is not a good post, I just feel void.

283

Time goes by very fast here. I do not know the last time I posted. I do not know if I have been posting to the wrong blog. I work very hard on things that do not mean anything to me and the things that mean the world to me are now on back burner. I do not know what to do. I want to write. Quest says that means I should be a creative writing major. So much stuff happens every day. I do not even think I like Quest very much right now. I need time. I need sleep. I need money. I need food.

280

poetry is the only thing keeping me going

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