@ovurth - Tumblr Blog

tangafoss waterfall, iceland by ingvi stígsson

Played my first show in 8 years last week. Went well enough. I had a fun time overall. It's always a bit of a weird feeling, the nervous buildup and then the sort of tunnel-vision focus/trance of actually playing the songs. Had a friend play backing guitar too. I uploaded a video stitching together the footage my girlfriend took. It's sort of funny to watch for me because obviously it's a different perspective, for one, but also because crisp iphone footage just feels surreal or hyperreal. Like almost clinical. Anyhow. Glad to have gotten an invite to play after so long! Met some cool + nice people.

Just over 5 weeks since the last time I had any caffeine. Not a significant difference, but a difference nonetheless. I just wanted to try not being beholden to any drug at all, and caffeine was my last one. I'm pretty much solid bone sober for all intents and purposes.

It's been a challenge though, as I still crave coffee to make inane tasks more enjoyable. I'm wondering if I abstain long enough that my craving and perhaps relation to tasks in general may change? I've been procrastinating my general organization habits more often.

Grateful for what I have. Trying to center my thoughts to that more often. It's easy to become preoccupied with worries and problems.

At least for now, I've got my needs met and I also have a day off tomorrow.

Sometimes I get caught up in my head about what to spend free time doing. A truth is that there's nothing I really need to do. Things I could benefit from and such, sure. No content that I *need* to consume. No movies, shows, books or music that I *must* entertain.

Sentimentality in objects/things is an interesting phenomenon.. I have difficulty getting rid of old photos as to me they're captured moments that are gone forever otherwise in a sense. I find it almost odd that no one else in my family seems to care for this type of ephemera.. I have dozens of rolls of undeveloped 20+ year old film that I slowly get developed at a local photo store (slowly because it's expensive) and digitized + sent to me. If I wouldn't do it, I extremely doubt my brothers or parents would ever bother. I still find periodic photos among these rolls that place imagery to memories I've had stored all that time. Often times I'm surprised by how accurate my visual recollection or general sensibility of the memory is.

It means something different to each person it seems. Some people recoil from or ignore this type of material. I can understand that too.

I feel sometimes a pull between a desire/interest in abandoning material-based reflection and living in the moment vs. maintaining an archive of past materials. Photos, videos, even social media (I have a whole copy of my blog from like 2014-2018 or something), music, etc. I almost feel guilty looking back through these things, like I'm committing some transgression by indulging in nostalgia or something..

Nostalgia I have a complicated relationship with. As I don't want to feel hindered, encumbered or otherwise over-influenced by the past, but I also like looking back to maybe help solidify a sense of progress or self-identity.

I've never had a strong sense of identity (why I generally am at a loss when needing to come up with usernames and have used many variations on "earthling" or "human" over the years). Likely influenced by being a white guy born and raised in America with a very loose sense of ancestral connection. It doesn't bother me but I've just always had the feeling that I was a purely biological form, an animal like the rest, with my own individual DNA twist, like the rest. It's cool.

But yeah my point I guess is I wonder how much of art and general archiving/sentimental ephemera is for utility vs ego vs facing the quandary of mortality vs purely present-moment enjoyment + experience. Probably some of each huh?

And I especially consider this knowing: 1. That the sheer amount of content being made, accelerated exponentially through near-instant artificial generation is making the chance of serendipitous discovery ever-less likely and 2. That within a generation or two, and certainly 100 years, that nearly all but the most popular of artifacts will be forgotten or lost. I guess it's up to future curators, if there are any.

Think I'd like to make a website to congregate my art stuff in.. Is wordpress still the move? Sounds fun but also like a bit of an endeavor that may take some time..

No caffeine for a week in now. Not as difficult as I had imagined it would be as a daily sipper x many many years. Not sure how long I'll try it for, but I wanted to see what it would feel like to live with no caffeine whatsoever.. First few days mostly headaches, brain fog/hard to concentrate, and general off-kilter sensation. But that mostly subsided after few days. Of course easier to tire naturally and more inclined towards naps.

I find my waking hours much smoother emotionally/stress-wise and less spikes and rapid alterations. I fall asleep near instantly when desired and feel, I believe, a bit more rested than before upon waking.. I find I used coffee to help with my depressive mood moments + boredom, so having to deal with that more naturally is an element, but there's noticeably less anxiety so not as bad as I first imagined.

Some simple ways of life you just can't really experience anymore. When I was probably 7 or so years old I'd hangout with an old friend Tommy. He got into trouble at school for behavior a lot, he was impulsive and childish and would throw tantrums. But I liked Tommy because most kids around that age feel a pull to leave imaginary games behind and try and act like emerging teens, and I could still indulge in imaginary play without shame with Tommy. I always felt pressure to grow up and act mature, so I found some sort of secret solace in letting go of that pretension..

He lived in a cul-de-sac and it felt secluded and private. We'd play nonsense games with various props, whatever was around. His dad looked like he was straight from the 70's, wore big shades all the time and had a bunch of wolf oriented decorations in the house. His mom had all the disney movies on VHS and swore they'd be worth a lot one day. He had one skateboard and it was the chunky wide kind. He had Monster Rancher 3 for the ps2, and we had fun extracting monsters from random discs around his house with the help of his dad. I liked the game so much that I begged my mom for it, and she called a few stores, but I mistakenly thought it was Monster Rancher 2 and so no one said they had it in stock. Calling retail stores to see if they have an item in their inventory I feel is pretty much antiquated now with online shopping..

Tommy moved away in 3rd grade and I never heard from him again. He wasn't very articulate or coherent I feel so he sort of just phase shifted away. His family moved to Indiana. I wonder what he's up to now, I could only imagine. He had Chinese immigrant neighbors and one of the boys would always ride his bike around collecting cans. I swear I still see that man riding his bike collecting cans sometimes over 20 years later, and I think about pulling over and asking him if he's who I think he is. Maybe next time I will, but it's still pretty rare to see him at all.