As I have gotten older I have found the truth to why so many of my older friends have such few friends. There's no point in putting time, energy, attachment, and raw vulnerability into a friendship when in return you receive the opposite. I'm not going to waste any more feelings of being hurt by words that people only use and use again. A simple sorry isn't enough anymore. Once a friend has crossed that final boundary it's at the point war against myself. Because no I am not one to express how I'm not okay with this or why, because I have already seen and heard it all to many times. So I store the anger, sadness, hurt, the energy and emotion of feeling, and I hold it inside my body. One day it will break open, and very few people have earned the right of where I love someone so much and they hurt me so much that I store the hurt inside. On one hand I can count two. And those were painful and every time I told myself I'm not doing this again. I told myself I'm done being vulnerable because I am hurt often. Thankfully I have not put up all walls because I have managed to make a few new friends and keep 3-4 very important friendships. But aside from new and important there's still friends you love. So maybe I have 25 people I love. 7 in Texas, 1 in Alaska, 3 in Florida, and the list of states continue. So I have (guessing a number) 25 friends and that's including the important and new friendships. Out of all of those you quickly learn who you can and can't go to when your sad, happy, struggling with anything, a bad day, a good day. You learn this sometimes the hard way. And sometimes it's absolutely shocking when you expect the ones who you count on. They come to you everyday yet when you go to them, it's like talking to a wall, talking to yourself, talking to the air. When you see or hear the fact that they are not interested in your feelings, what do you do? I was thrown off, I didn't see that coming. How does someone genuinely not care about how you feel, they may say they care, or get defensive if you bring it up, or they may say nothing at all. But we all know when someone is talking to us in person and there mind is elsewhere, there texting, or interrupting you. The if on the phone there distracted, saying one worded responses like "yes, yeah, no, damn" or the longer statements of " I'm sorry" "I don't know what to say" cutting you off to talk about them self. When all you need in maybe 5 min of their time to talk about what's happening, how your feeling, or something your just excited to say. But you can't because they either show no interest, compare, act like they don't care when they do, say nothing, comment when they have no room to, judge you when it's so inappropriate because they have no idea what you have just been through or any way of relating. That ALL hurts. Raw vulnerability, honesty, and expressing feelings and thoughts are the pillars of my friendships. I assume they start off that way, and then you sometimes see that there actually a growling beast that you never saw before. While learning this I have found the very few people I can talk to and I am so glad I have them. They are so important to me. But I seem to reach out to those I know will let me down in hope that they have changed. It reminds me of the last 5 years I tried to share and tell everything to part of my family, again and again I was belittled, hurt, heartbroken, confused, angry, and sad. But I still kept doing it. Week after week, month after month, year after year. In the last 6-8 months I have realized that it's never going to change. I can not change them. I could choose to finally listen to what I have been challenged to do for the past 5 years and stop reaching out. I did I stopped, things got better but I still longed for someone to replace them. But you are not replaceable, especially your family. Now I do nothing. Sometimes they will call I may briefly say something and move on. If they say something I am able to say let's please not have this conversation, or end the conversation in okay I gotta go. So I had this with my family and yes it's better but not what I would want it to be and I know I can't change that. So why can't I use this example and apply it to what is happening now. Why let people try to destroy you, try to bring you down, let them say well it's not that bad, you don't even understand, that's disgusting, and simply not care Why won't I just stop hoping. Abby I know your up there looking down. Please shed some light into my heart. I miss you my fighter. I miss you my angel.
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