Sigh Me A River @oxredox - Tumblr Blog

The deepest cut is still that you don’t see it and that maybe you never will.

But I see me. I see the loyalty, the patience, and the love I gave. What I did was love as deeply as I could. I poured myself into someone who could not or would not meet me. I carried weight that was never mine to carry.

I see you. I see your hurt, defensiveness, shame, avoidance, escapism, deflection, mocking, and minimizing. I can’t express how much you hurt me and how much you can’t or won’t understand. I can’t wrap my head around it.

I wasn't wrong for wanting care, acknowledgement, recognition, respect, commitment, trust, repair, safety, accountability, understanding, and responsibility.

I'm sorry I let myself be dismissed. I'm sorry I had to shrink myself and bend until I broke. I'm sorry I was alone in my pain. I’m sorry for trying to understand you and that I keep trying to still.

I deserved better than dismissal. I deserved to be cherished and supported. I deserved to feel safe and cared for.

I will not abandon myself this way ever again.

This relationship shaped me, but it does not define me. I have grown so much. I am open and healing.

#I was so angry but now I’m just sad again #but I honestly still hate you #no one has hurt me like you #and you take zero accountability

One day, you'll be looking back

And maybe wish that you were kinder

But ain't it always just the truth

Oh, that hindsight makes you softer?

I played it back a million times

And always wish that I was wiser

But it'll be coming back to bite you like a dog

You know you better run for cover

If you ever check up on me, please know that when I left, I had no ill will and I wished you healing.

Now, I actually hate you now.

And you earned it, through every action and inaction.

You told me you were in your mourning period, too. That you were heartbroken, too.

You’re not mine anymore, and this is a confirmation that I am much better off without you. It’s devastating that it took less than a month after I left. Was it days? A week?

You didn’t just sleep with someone. You confirmed exactly why I left. You reminded me that you’ll always pick chaos over care, instant comfort over healing. You will burn yourself down and everyone else around you with it.

Now, even my grief for you feels wasted.

Thank you for making it easy not to miss you.

I just hate that I ever thought you were worth this much of me.

If I were you, I’d also be doing whatever I could to avoid the consequences of my own actions.

So put up your defenses. Surround yourself with walls of denial.

The same patterns will follow you into every corner of your life until you either change or collapse under the weight of them.

Hope you feel good. Hope you feel free.

#you’ve burned me so badly #you let me down #you have health insurance. go to therapy #No one else should have to deal with your anger hurt and sadness but you

Our fucking landlord reached out to me to tell me you slept with someone and left the room a mess after you assured me it’d be no problem for you to clean up and finish out the lease. Fuck it hurts.

Fuck the landlord for telling me that shit. I didn’t need to hear that.

BUT FUCK YOU. I HOPE YOU FEEL DEAD INSIDE.

#I don’t deserve this #I’m physically sick from how much I hate you right now #it just lets me know you still can’t sit with pain love or accountability #and that you lied #hope you’re happy #I’m done thinking about you

jelicaalynn

#no offense but

astrotheyge

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See, honey, I saw love, You see it came to me It put its face up to my face so I could see Yeah then I saw love disfigure me Into something I am not recognizing

#this broke my heart the first time I heard it but I didn’t really get it until this year

aestheticjunkyard

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oxredox

I gave real, tender, patient, over and over again love until I ran dry and you were like 🥺 why no unconditional love? Even though you hurt me and others and never learned from it.

I don’t even blame you bc codependency and chaos were all you knew. All you craved, in fiction and in real life.

It’s not romantic. It’s tragic. It’s kept you from healing.

Like why did you stay if we were so incompatible and you were so unhappy? What were you holding onto?

I stayed bc I loved you until I couldn’t.

You could have met me halfway, but you didn’t bother even taking the first step.

Being abandoned was your self realizing prophecy and the only way I could reclaim myself.

Now, I’m left feeling stupid for loving you so hard, for wanting my pain acknowledged, and for thinking you could reflect instead of deflect.

I said you’d never make me cry again, but you have, just not directly.

I said I didn’t want your response, but, God, some acknowledgement would give me closure.

My body and mind are still trying to adjust to leaving.

I’m not out of the woods yet.

I am the woods.