oyemaggi

Mapping stories of the ordinary Architecture|Nature|Food|Travel|People PS- I like rainy days and thunderstorms, sunsets and quiet coffee shops.

[oyemaggi]

To the girl who feels like love,

I don’t know if at all someday, somewhere, sometime, someone will hold your hand in the snowfall and look into your eyes to tell you, “Khoobsurat hai har vo lamha, jinme teri muskurahat khil khilati hai.”

.

Cheesy? Sorry, but that’s how it works. I remember this one time when my sister was crying in the shower. I ask her what happened and she says, “You can’t make people love you back but you can’t stop loving them at the same time” and I just couldn’t do much but sit beside her and think of you.

I feel like telling you how madly I want to hug you and whisper in your ears all those songs you love. The clock in my bedroom sometimes chimes, and it’s almost unavoidable to hear your name in it.

I’m a broken man, who counts stars sitting alone on the roof, and just wants the night to stay a little longer for I fear seeing a morning with this hollow chest that can’t feel the warmth of sunshine. But, somehow, when I see you smile with the curves of your lips forming soft wrinkles around your eyes, I just feel a tinge of completion around me.

And then, here’s where all of it ends. After everything that’s said and done, I’m not the home that can shelter your gorgeous heart.

But, I just want to tell you, for once, I want to hold you in my arms and believe that I’m still allowed to be loved.

If at all someday you read this, just know that I can’t bring you the moon, but I’ll show you a mirror, ask you to smile and that’s where my moon lives. That’s where it always will be.

Love.

[oyemaggi]

"Change: We don't like it, we fear it, but we can't stop it from coming. We either adapt to change, or we get left behind. It hurts to grow, anybody who tells you it doesn't is lying. But here's the truth: Sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same. And sometimes, oh, sometimes change is good. Sometimes change is everything."

– Meredith Grey / On Change

[oyemaggi]

"Maybe we're not supposed to be happy. Maybe gratitude has nothing to do with joy. Maybe being grateful means recognizing what you have for what it is. Appreciating small victories. Admiring the struggle it takes simply to be human. Maybe we're thankful for the familiar things we know. And maybe we're thankful for the things we'll never know. At the end of the day, the fact that we have the courage to still be standing is reason enough to celebrate."

– Meredith Grey / On Being Grateful

[oyemaggi]

"Pain, you just have to ride it out, hope it goes away on its own, hope the wound that caused it heals. There are no solutions, no easy answers. You just breathe deep and wait for it to subside. Most of the time pain can be managed, but sometimes the pain gets you when you least expect it, hits way below the belt and doesn't let up. Pain, you just have to fight through, because the truth is you can't outrun it, and life always makes more."

– Meredith Grey / On Fighting Through It

[oyemaggi]

"Deep down, everyone wants to believe they can be hardcore. But being hardcore isn't just about being tough — it's about acceptance. Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to not be hardcore for once. You don't have to be tough every minute of every day. It's okay to let down your guard. In fact, there are moments when it's the best thing you can possibly do — as long as you choose your moments wisely."

– Meredith Grey / On Being Tough

[oyemaggi]

"It’s a shame, how often you lose people in life."

— ten-word-story, #101

[ninasdrafts]

“I‘m trying to see this for what it is: a new chance, an opening. A clean slate. A way of the universe unmistakably showing me that one phase is over and I’m ready to dive into the next. But all I see is defeat. All I see is the fear of not deserving to end up where I want to be. My thoughts are overwhelming. My doubts are endless. I‘m a well that’s filled to the brim, but my water is poisoned. I‘m a finished painting, a portrait drawn in the most vibrant colours, but the knife is already grasped in my hand. I want to scratch off layer after layer and start again, not because I‘m unhappy with the outcome, but because I don’t know how to do something different. Something new. It’s all old news and repetitions of past mistakes and I don’t know how to break free from this spiral. It comes down to the same thing: I‘m scared senseless. This fear has become a part of me and I don’t know how to let it go. I don’t know how to look at the future without feeling overwhelmed by it. I want to write about hope next, but I‘m not feeling it right now. But one of these days, I will. I will.”

— one of these days, I’ll write about hope / n.j.

[oyemaggi]

"Tbh instead of driven by your needs and wants always focus on doing whatever is needed...."

[ninasdrafts]

“On most days the marks from our battles feel less like scars and more like open wounds. These days are the hardest. It’s when my skin burns and my sanity slips right through my fingertips that I miss you the most. Don’t tell me it’s futile. Don’t tell me you don’t deserve it. I know better than anyone that this is a road that leads to nowhere. Still the memories are etched into my mind, keepsakes I can’t seem to let go of. I don’t know what would have to happen in order for me to finally recognise you as the villain in our story. You already cut into me with the sharpest knife. You don’t allow the wounds you’ve inflicted to close and if this isn’t the most violent crime of them all then I consider this case lost. I consider myself lost. Somewhere on the path to losing you I lost myself and I’m running out of places to search. Where is home when it’s no longer with you?”

— these days are the hardest / n.j.

[oyemaggi]

Yes , these days I need you the most P ..// xx

[ninasdrafts]

“It was normal for people to change over time, I thought, normal for them to pick up new habits and become unrecognisable to a person that hadn‘t seen them for years. But you were different. I’d hoped that eventually you’d turn into a stranger. Into someone I could no longer read like an open book. It‘d been a little more than five years and you hadn’t changed at all. Your smile was the same. The way you talked and walked was the same. How your eyes crinkled when you laughed, how you pushed your hair behind your ears, how you raised your eyebrows in that stupid fashion that made me wish I could do that, too. Some people lost that glint in their eyes over the years, but yours flashed the moment they met mine across a crowded room. And it was so clear to me - I knew you then. I saw you. And I would‘ve known you anywhere, no matter how much time passed.”

— don’t go changing / n.j.

[photografya-deactivated20230917]

[oyemaggi]

Hi. Idk how to say this but somehow I've to ... It's almost been more than three years and somewhere in the corners it still persists . The things i shouldn't have had done at that time .... that broke your trust !! Over the period as much as we grow older we get wiser , like we get different perspectives as per our situations/ conditions with those experiences life throw at us and those experiences might be different wrt to our situations, as for someone happiness is with ppls they meet and live with and for someone choose to stay away from them . It depends . Period.

And that's the reason, Some days more than others I miss some ppl intensely and regret everything I’ve done, inbetween work and personal balances. So much so that I felt nothing I ever said was justified. Not that I was “right” to say any of those things, I would never say that. But that I had feelings and reactions I needed to address and that they came out in a hot, crying mess of hurtful words and mess i created that I'm aware have wounded you deeply.

Good things, exciting things are happening in my life right now and they’re both frightening and exciting. Some days I’m tempted to withdraw because I fear failure and judgment. Surely someone else would do it better than I ever could.I wish you were the first one I could share these things with, just like the way I used to. It’s funny because I was more honest with K with everything because I never fear judgment even when he disagrees, but telling him everything wasn’t the same. Perhaps I was delusional but the comfortable friendship that K and I have just isn’t the same as the emotional connection we had. I always thought that we were slightly more than friends, even if the relationship wasn’t romantic. We were allies and confidantes to each other. I cannot say the same for all my friends.

I don't mean to bother you much as time passes you might have forgotten that and me but i do still remembered everything and i have to come to a realisation that i wronged you and your feelings at that time and I feel terribly sorry for that ... I shouldn't have done that !! As you face certain things over the period and later on you realise that if you don't like something neither you should do that with anyone ! Like I'm the situation to realise every bit of it and feel the pain ..you felt that time !

Moreover i don't mean to hit at your worstest memory neither i wana wish if things were OK ... With just an intention to apologise i just wanna let you know I'm Sorry for the things that caused you so much pain and heart break plus tears ! I can't bring back all those good moments of joy and happiness but what i can do in this very moment is that to apologise and feel regret with just a promise that it never 'be repeated again . And pray god for your happiness and more goodies over bad ones ... With the ppl you surround and whatever you do !

PS- I wanted to tell you much earlier than this but i didn't had courage to tell ...as i feard about consequences what might happen next or i might get into any trouble as neither my intention was bad at time nor is this time .Tbh, I really never wanted to hurt you but somehow i choosed my friend over everything and who didn't understand my concern even ..!! What else a proud boy can do ?! I don't care anything anymore now neither in any situation to complain about it ... I hope you do understand now !! I hope you are doing good in careers . and moreover I hope you forgive me.

-On moving onn with regrets

[ninasdrafts]

“There’s a riot in my heart and I‘ve been dying to tell you how I feel, dying a little every day that you’re oblivious to the walls I keep having to rebuild because of you. The thing is you’re not sorry and you will never be because you’re used to me falling over my own to feet in order to impress you. I don’t know how to stop needing you, not yet, but one day I will lay down my weapons and I will stop fighting for you with everything that I have. But that day is not now, nor will it be tomorrow. Until I no longer see your smile when I close my eyes, I will have to wait for the war drums in my chest to quiet.”

— riot / n.j.

[creatingnikki]

To someone i love most in this entire universe,

I want things to be different. I desperately do.

I’ve always held out hope that we would find a way if we just tried hard enough. If we fought hard enough. If we gave it everything we had. I mean, doesn’t the universe honor that- if two people are willing to risk so much to be together?

That’s not the case, though. Because some things don’t work, even if you believe wholeheartedly that they should.

Everything in my bones screams at me that maybe there is another chance for us out there. I would love to cling to that idea. If I did, then I could reach out to you again, without hesitation, to bring that chance to life. Yet the sadness and finality of everything sits on my chest like a weight. We aren’t meant for each other.

If we were, then I would’ve sacrificed everything when I had the chance. If we were, you wouldn’t have looked to other people to fill the space I held. If we were, you would’ve told me how you felt when it made sense to. If we were, I would’ve told you how I felt, even if it meant scaring you a little.

There are memories and moments where I understand why I felt so sure about us. Our genuine connection, the ease in which we opened up to each other, our chemistry that made everything feel as if it were one fire. The tender moments where we held onto each other, silent promises that one day we’d figure it all out.

Yet on the other side, I remember when we’d push each other away, when you would grow distant and detached, not giving me a reason why. When I would reach out to you in a way that felt clingy and dependent. When I would turn to someone else to distract myself from the hurt, and how I wouldn’t change my mind even when you showed up again.

I remember the endless circles we went around, how we called them learning experiences instead of bad habits. We would always say we would do better in the future, that we had our whole lives to figure this out. But I can’t spend the rest of my life being dizzy, even if it’s with you.

I miss you more than you could ever realize. I still pick up the phone, ready to text you about something that happened. I still ache when I see you on social media, and I want to reach out. I think about you more often than I would care to admit- to myself or anyone else.

I know it’s okay to miss you because whatever we had was strong and beautiful. To pretend like I don’t miss you would be a disservice to everything we went through. Yet I’m finally in a place where I know that missing you isn’t a sign to try again. It’s a sign that we had a great thing. That’s it, that’s all.

So please know I miss you, but I do understand we aren’t meant for each other.

But I’ll still remember us for the rest of my life- and I will learn to be okay with that.

PS- It's been one and half year since that still Idk , why you choose to give up? One day you woke up and suddenly you're like i don't love you anymore .... Don't you ever thought that wasn't enough for me and still i didn't asked you a thing ...!! Sometimes it just keeps running through my mind in a loop but what a person can do who is just left with no choices..... Btw thanks for lessons not to trust anyone except self plus to let you know soon I'm gonna be a Chartered Accountant and I'm doing well in my careers !!

Peach, you will always be a part of my life. Not present nor future but all those precious and important years of my past. I cannot erase you, it would mean erasing my teenage life. I no longer even feel like I want to. We had good times together, didn't we? We helped each other get through the horrible stuff, didn't we? I'm glad. So for the past you, from the past me, there is friendship and warmth and love. From the present me to the past us, there is acceptance and gratitude and understanding. But from the present me to the present you? There is no emotion other than stay the fuck away from me.

what is something you want to tell someone right now but never will? send me an ask on/off anon and share. I'll respond with one of mine.

[creatingnikki]

all my spaces are given away to people who chose to give me away. the opposite of love is not hate. it is throwing someone away. you threw me away. and it did not take you much to do that. you say it’s not about economics? it’s all about economics. how can you truly believe that you can be in a romantic relationship with two people at the same time? love may be infinite but everything that goes into loving someone is finite. time, energy, effort, space. the constant prioritizing one person over the other person is cheating both of those people and yourself. that is not love. how are you so blind? why do you choose to be? there is a deep wound in the middle of my chest and it won’t heal. I have come to accept it. it will stay open. it will hurt. but I am used to that now, it does not bother me more than the ordinary. but what I cannot deal with is newer people like you who open that wound further, who make it deeper. while most words’ destiny is to reach a person’s ears and die, some words don’t do that. some words find their way to a person’s heart and survive. your words have done that and now my heart is heavy. how do I not internalize this? because if I were to not internalize it, I would have to see you for who you really were. weak, selfish, indecisive. and nothing hurts my heart more than knowing that I have loved a person so undeserving. somehow the burden of thinking that I am the unlovable one is less painful than the burden of having loved an undeserving person. how twisted is that? sure, at least I am self aware. but what do I do with all this self awareness? go throw it in a fire? see a therapist? hydrate so I can cry more? no? then? just live with all this until I go mad? okay. 

[ninasdrafts]

“It’s one of those days. They’re asking me how you are, as though you’d still confide in me. As though I had an inkling of what you were up to. They’re staring at me with their glasses of champagne and their painted smiles, wondering aloud how I’m doing without you. I say I’m happy for you, then I cry myself to sleep at night. It doesn’t matter how much time passes. The memories cut deeper the more times I turn them over. Just like that, you got into that car that one day in September, wearing your maroon trenchcoat and your too-long scarf, and when you slammed the door shut, you did not even look back. Not once. Not even for me. You left it all behind. Your mind was always too big to live in such a small town, your mum used to say, but I didn’t agree. I thought the city would choke you. I thought it’d rob you of the air you needed to breathe - I nearly find myself wishing it had and I’m sorry for it. The city was at your feet from the moment you moved into that apartment overviewing the river, put up your mismatched mugs on your shelf in the kitchen and filled the rooms with your laughter. What hurt me the most was not you leaving me behind without hesitation. It was me realising that I could never be that person. I could never get into a car and slam the door shut on everything that used to mean the world to me and never look back. This is not who I am. I am the one who stays behind and answers questions about the people who left. If someone happens to ask you about me, do you tell them you‘re happy for me and mean it?”

— the one who stays behind / n.j.

[oyemaggi]

To,

Me Myself

There'll be a moment when you realise you're 26 when yesterday you were just 16; and you wouldn't be able to tell how a decade passed away and your life got divided into before and afters. The fury of youth will subdue and nothing will really change but everything will feel different when you look at old photographs and blurry videos taken on cheap mobile phones. Scents will remind you of childhood and certain friends you don't talk to anymore, hangouts will become reunions and mom's burnt chapati will become the best food you ever had. And I know on some days you won't be able to show anything of those 10 years but I hope you remember to breathe, and let go of the knot in your chest. I hope you go out in the sun and live a little, because tomorrow is 36.

- via @lettersbyc , Notes I should have burnt earlier!