Hiding Behind My Trial Balloon
I think it has been nearly a year since I blogged. I’ve shared little bits and pieces, but I haven’t written anything substantial. What you don’t realize when you leave a marriage is that... no... others are probably smarter than I am. What I didn’t consider when I left my marriage last June was that there were all these things that would be difficult to both take with me, and leave behind.
There were the obvious - my house, my kids, my Starbucks, my neighbors, my grocery store, my pharmacy, my internist, my large bank account...
And the not so obvious - my mom, my siblings, my friends, my privacy, my angst, PaigeRandall.com...
Yes, mom and siblings have mostly come back to me. Mom finally stopped being furious at me for leaving a good man and somehow we have had this love revival and we are closer than we have been in years. Mom learned an amazing lesson at the tender age of 78. You can support and love two people with very different interest. You don’t have to choose sides. Mom and my future ex are very close.
I should mention that my kids are 17 and 20. 20 lives at college and 17 is with my 50% of the time. My girls are absolutely amazing.
I didn’t realize that when I left my marriage I would also leave all of my joint friends. Maybe it was a defensive maneuver to protect myself from being hurt by their potential desertion. I realized quickly that my husband was a better friend than I was to our friends made in the last 10 years. I was a little absent the last 10 years. Somehow he became better invested in our lives. Those friends were really his friends. Those who have tried to keep up with me get cancellations and excuses until they stop trying. I have really been a piece of shit. I have been repopulating my life with wonderful people. Its what I need. I am also blessed with many friends from my pre-marriage days. I got to keep all those.
My angst. I wrote REALLY well when I was unhappy, frustrated, angry, scared, etc. I’m doing better now, emotionally, and writing feels different. I haven’t really tried much. Circling The Shadows and Forever Falling (coming soon) are part of a four book series. Coming to Brooklyn is inside me, but it is difficult to let it out. I’m afraid that it will feel different from the other two since my life is so different.
And finally my privacy and PaigeRandall.com... I want to write about my life. Blog about my reality - dating, falling on my face, behaving poorly, accomplishing my dreams. But everyone I don’t want to share myself with follows PaigeRandall.com. Obviously blogging is not a private forum for sharing, but shooting my innermost private thoughts into so many in-boxes from my former life... well, it is very daunting.
So - this is my trial balloon. My opportunity to see who unfollows PaigeRandall.com. See if anyone is secretly stalking me on Twitter (most are blocked, but we all know ways around that) who may be unhappy about this post. I’ll just wait and see.
Tumblr it is... for now. I don’t feel like proofing... too much wine. Please forgive the typos.