I found out the real issue is I can't handle my emotions. Everything can be fine but I will eventually feel the same way anywhere. Everywhere you go, at times you will feel rejected, hated, unwanted, a burden, unloved, annoying, and disliked. Everywhere you go it will happen and drag you down. Even when things are way better. It happens everywhere.
I'm here and I'm still asking God why I feel sad. I'm away and I still feel hated.
I do feel a lot better in general though. More motivated, better about myself, more useful and efficient and positive and uplifting. But it's because I am a guest. At the end of the day I should be able to feel this way at home too, and I just dont.
Even with the positivity, I feel a sense of dislike or toleration from people sometimes. I can tell my aunt doesn't like me anymore like she used to before last year. She might just have been tired coming home so late but it's the lack of warmth even when she sees me. She used to always have warmth for me.
My uncle talked to me because he was concerned about how my grandma was talking to me. He said to tell him if she pressures me about marriage because she won't know the limits and that he will check her. He asked me about the process so that's nice.
He also talked to me about my career and lowkey that's what I needed. Someone to just help me figure it out and give me a few notes of guidance. He says that the economy ebbs and flows and you just go with it and find someway to make what you do useful even if it's tangential to your specialty. He said theres always a way and to stick at it and keep trying. And that's what he did too.
My aunt is weird about my family. She said some things and asked me some questions that made it seem like she was fishing for potential drama and also like she was lowkey competing with my side of the family. She seemed happy when I told her the electricity sometimes doesn't work at home, and almost disappointed when I told her there were no issues at the airport last year when I came super last minute to the festivities.
I got to teach soccer to the younger one, draw art and do crafts with the older one, and give gifts and spend time with the baby. They all have fears of being annoying and feeling rejected by the world, and they are harsh with each other yet caring. It was sad to see my own struggles reflected in them. They also struggle with psoriasis the way I used to. And they felt bad about it but they shouldn't.
I finally got to chat a little bit with the second oldest and we bonded over korean food so that was nice.
I got to spend time not just with my grandma but their grandparents. They argue and bicker even though they look perfect on the outside. And the family lowkey resents my grandma too and think of her as outdated and dont update her on plans. I can tell they think she's entitled and demanding and I can see when she gets sad. She has a naturally cranky personality and she is bossy from the old days, but it's clear they've moved on without her and don't even want to deal with her if they dont like the tone. But i understand even if it's not ideal. She isnt meant to be perfect.
Their grandma helped me with a few things and i got to speak our language with her and she was very sweet and appreciative. She gave me some earrings and they were lovely. Their grandpa taught me a little about cooking.
I made cookies with the younger one and cleaned up after. I heard my uncle say that I could drive her to the store, even though a few days ago he wasn't super comfortable with that idea. It was nice to take care of people. I got a ton of cute outfits too. The girls kept wanting to braid my hair and I let them. Even though I dont feel attractive anymore, the compliments are nice.
My aunt is awol and I get the sense that even when she can see me, she doesn't want to. I guess the incident last year affected her more than I'll know. I wish she would just ask me about it and be open to discussion instead of just assuming things. But then I get the sense that whenever my mom or anyone in my family does something, it's easier to hate us all.
I felt motivated here. In the car when we drive i make them say their prayers. I spend time with each of them when I can. I love how they communicate. I baked with them, I taught them soccer drills, I made them say their prayers, I enforced cleaning, I did art with them, and I felt encouraged to work again, and confront my demons like the resume. It's really about hope and self belief. I feel like I've been living a life of shame and it stops me from trying to be or do anything. The truth is i am accomplished but im afraid to express my talents because it will remind people i am capable and i am not sure i can excel anymore. But doing things little by little reminded me that I still have the ability. I am not a failure. Im not sure why the shame built up so much, it calcified and became ugly. Maybe because my dad thought so about me clearly. And my mom hates my guts. But she hates everyone. But it's like theres nothing left inside me. My family doesnt respect me anymore. I can tell. They want my labor but they want to spit at me for being depressed for so long and not doing their work for a while.
Talking to the second oldest it became clear to me that she had been depressed and she's on ssris now. It is genetic i guess. She has help now. She's glowing, she's happy, she's livelier and opinionated and she actually looks up, meets our eyes, and talks now. She shares her thoughts and she seems open to socializing. In the past she was behind a wall. I am happy that her family cares for her.
The oldest is on a trip but the younger one told me that she likes me now but still complains a little. So it's confirmed the period of hatred. Hopefully it has passed but who knows how long it will take.
The kids take out the trash everywhere, have to clean up when they eat or take food out. They dont wash dishes but they have to do a variety of chores and tasks for all the people older than them.
It feels weird. The kids are begging me not to go. The teenager is chiller about it. The kids asked me to pack them up and fly them home with me. The others have separation anxiety and dont want to leave me to sleep in case they dont get as much time with me in the morning. I'm sad too. I suppose it was a short trip.
The younger one is so socially acute that she is a savante. She is precocious in a way I can barely fathom. If she has plans, she wants to cancel them as soon as she feels that it is an inconvenience or that others arent excited or willing to go or not participating. She never wabts to feel like she is doing something for herself. But I've learned a lot from her ability to adapt.
I can see now that my issue was never about me. I can be loved anywhere. I mean it shows how the oldest changed her mind about me in two seconds flat ever since the last trip. After years of hatred and my own confusion. And my aunt changed her mind based on her daughter, after years of loving me. My uncle is steady, strict and the same type of weird as me. And the younger ones are sweet. The middle one is temperamental. She went through the same que. er phase and exposure that I did. I'm shocked that everyone's fates keep repeating in this family.
I feel bad. My dad picked a bad one, and he isn't engaging and active and attentive like their father. But he was always more into his work than my uncle is. My uncle is an active father. He interacts with the kids.
I miss my cat most of all. Every time i see their cats, i miss mine more. There is no love like hers, no sweetness like hers, no fire like hers. I don't allow their cats to even risk biting me, because I wont love their bites, their scratches, like I love hers. I miss her sweet little paws and the way she lets me pet her claws. I love her gentleness and her teeth. I miss her little yawns and I miss her lithe, graceful steps, and I miss the way she bounds behind us to keep up with us as we walk and we never even know. I miss her.
They apparently only change their cat's litter once a week or every two weeks. The garage stinks and the cloying smell lingers in the hot muggy air. Their aunt hates the cats. The youngest told me she feels like her mom hates her and might eventually get rid of the cats. I do feel awful. And of course if they arent well taken care of, their behavior becomes unruly. Apparently a friends cat pooped in her moms closet before she kicked it out. I think of the love we have for our cat and how all her vomit and poop troubles only give us information about how well she is and only make us more concerned for her, never less. The one thing that is good about going back is seeing her beautiful face again and feeling her curled up gently next to me when I sleep. I missed her presence.
God really blessed me. I went back to my old posts and saw myself in march dreaming and wishing and longing for her. And then she came, as if miraculously, into our lives. When I told the story, I could tell my aunt was a little miffed by how beautiful and pricey she was. She asked how we afforded one. I told her how lucky we were. She became silent and looked sullen.
I don't know what's happened to my aunt. But I can tell she has changed.
Being here has shown me that these things happen in every household not just mine. The kids feel like the adults hate them every time they get in trouble. The parents get angry with my grandmother and there is a pretty loud fight in the kitchen about the way things go. The tension remains in the air clawing and coiling. The happy elderly couple still fights and argues and takes their mood out on each other, even though they seem quaint and old. The kids snap at each other. And love comes and goes. The loyalty is what stays.
Being involved in work outside of myself helped me to broaden myself. At home i feel constrained and isolated from reality. I dont express my skills at all. Here my experience in coaching came clutch and i was able to help others with my skills. My old experience in drawing came through when they wanted a realistic portrait done. When the kids wanted cookies my experience in baking came through and I made them something from scratch. I felt useful in some way. Instead of alone and dead. I could see i retained value and that my skills mattered and I had value as a person. I stopped feeling washed out and worthless. Even if my career isnt where its at, i had somewhere to go eventually, my uncle encouraged me. And he also opened my eyes to not feeling less than about marriage. I didnt need to force myself into it because i was being pressured. He was right.
It showed me how many cognitive biases and internal narratives were overloading me and clogging me up and dragging me down. How much other peoples negativity i was internalizing and making my responsibility. People are insecure and competitive and unkind and jealous everywhere, even places where there is love abundant. Its not just my reality. My youngest told me about how her cousin was sht talking her behind her back and how much it hurt her. I understand now i am not alone.
The cousins in my homeland judged me here and there but it would have happened regardless. I am beautiful, I am physically gorgeous to whatever small degree, i am vibrant and lively and positive, i am caring and loving, and worst of all, I am talented and skilled. My art was always going to be a problem for them. People were always going to misinterpret me if they chose to do so. You cant win against people like that. But the best case scenario is to not act rashly outwardly and publicly, and to simply confide in those close to you and hone those relationships. Trust in the pieces of love that you do have. Those who want to think badly of you will, but they are wrong to do so. Look how quickly the winds of opinion changed about you, but you did nothing differently. You were the same for many years. And then one day you stopped being mistreated and started being appreciated. Through no doing of your own. This is because it's simply about the smallness of others.
Even the younger one who is more talented and smart than all of the others combined told me about a social abuse bullying campaign at school that some girl was waging against her. It starts young. This girl could lead an empire someday and i am sure that she will. And others have already identified that and started punishing and isolating her intentionally. It happens to the best of us.
It happens everywhere. Its not because there is something wrong with you.
And more things. I feel appreciated and valued for my career here whereas at home i thought it felt dead. I mean maybe because i wasnt involved with family community there, in kids sports or anything, and my family at home is dead inside too with nothing going on but silence or fighting. The house is unclean and disgusting and nonfunctional but i mean that kind of stuff requires money. Here if there is a water leak they fix it, if the electricity stops they fix it. They hire people to clean the grout out or to clean the rooms or to clean the kitchen. The kitchen is mad organized with tons of food, utensils, platters, tools. There are two kitchens, two fridges. Everything is stacked and stacked and stacked. I have no idea how they sat down and organized everything not to mention the storage methods. It must have been meticulous. Every type of cabinet has its own purpose, every drawer has its own set of specific utensils that apparently cannot be confused. The inside kirchen scissors versus the outside kitchen scissors. They have little storage drawers added to the tiniest places imaginable with just the right size. I mean wow.
And they get the newspaper! Every day. And the newspaper has word puzzles ans crosswords and comics. Just like when I was little.
A lot of thwse things cost money that I guess we just didnt have. I guess if we had the money for an electrician and a plumber and a renovator which yes they do have right now as well, and a housekeeper and a cleaner weekly to help with the smaller things that are tough. And the supplies it takes to organize. But instead at home we're just making do with anything and everything is awful. My family is inactive and refuse to participate in being a family or being responsible for themselves. And they hate when i change anything up to. Asking my dad for help is pointless. He checks out and his only request is to not be bothered and he encourages the wrong behaviors in others. The only concept he seems to have any respect for is work. But family? He doesn't care about hosting or being respectable or being clean. He doesn't care about being honest and having integrity anymore. I know it's the lack of resources but we don't truly want for much do we? We can be kind, we can be generous. I don't understand why we have to be stingy with food.
They force the kids to eat here and one day they said they notice i don't eat protein daily and I need to. Daily?? At home i had gotten used to perhaps eating once a day, noodles. I didnt even think about eating regularly, much less protein.
It is what it is. But we shouldnt be the way we are, and I am sad at the state of our house and I can't understand how my dad is content with the way things are. He is okay with them throwing the trash on the literal ground in our yard, not even in bags, just right there onto the dirt like our house is a natural landfill meant to be surrounded by rotting and decomposing feces and food. I just don't understand. It's like I'm living in a mental health nightmare, a looney bin.