When we talked, I wanted to say that I forgave you, but the words felt strange. I still needed to process things, I think. Before that, I never fully understood why you did some the things that you did. I wish you could've explained it way back when. To help me help you, perhaps, even though it was my time to stop giving and instead start moving away and dress my wounds. But now that I've healed, there's still some things I need to say, but reaching out again feels risky somehow, like I might unbalance you again. So instead I'll say it into this void — I forgive you. I see how you regretted your actions and acknowledged what happened and how. How you've been trying to change, to do and to be better. And it's the best thing I could've asked for. Not for my sake, but for yours. And also, saying it just in case, never think it was all you. In the thick of it, I made a big mistake as well, and I hope last time we spoke helped emphasize that and the role it played afterwards (even though I was pumped full of anxiety and probably sounded off). But besides, I don't think there's much point in quantifying hurt or asking who hurt who first, especially so long after the fact. We both messed up, we both wish we didn't and grew from it, we both wish the other better. Maybe it's a gross simplification, but I think it's healthier to see it that way, and an easier place to heal from. And one day, I hope you'll manage to release yourself from the soft, ambient hell you found yourself in. (You didn't really say it outright, but you were my best friend; I can still read between the lines) I know you know that my home is no longer yours, but still, I hope one day I can welcome you in as an old friend. Open invitation, no obligation, no expiry date. Just one condition: That you'll have forgiven yourself too, so that we can meet anew on equal level.
yousharknotpass
2087
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